Sunday, December 27, 2009

Finding That Balance

I can't find the balance between being a mom and being a person. For the most part, the "mom" me is me. It's too hard to separate the two, but in essence, because I can't separate me the person from me the mom, I end up just being me the mom. Does that make sense?

There are many parts of me that have been ignored since having children. I used to be an interesting person. I read good books, studied about other places and cultures, kept up on current events. I played the violin, the guitar and the piano. I tried to stay involved in church or school or community. I was active, joining the church basketball team or going hiking with friends or going out country dancing.

I've tried to incorporate some of those activities into my life as a mom, but I find that it is too stressful and distracting to try and be that person on top of trying to raise four children. If I sit down to play the piano, either all my children are climbing all over me trying to play on the piano too or they are in the toy room destroying it.

I feel like if I try to do anything that interests me, I'm being way too selfish and neglecting my children. I just can't seem to figure out how to do all that I want, like even keeping up with this blog. I love to write, and probably could get much better at it if I ever had time to actually do it. Moments like these right now are rare, and, in fact, I can think of about a half dozen other things that are probably more important and need to get done while the kids are in bed before I'm too tired to do them.

So I guess me the person surrenders to me the mom. I have to put her aside for a few more years. If I don't, then I will just continue to feel like a horrible mom who neglects her children. Yet, if I do put her aside, then I feel like a worthless person with nothing to offer.

So what gives?

Maybe 2010 will be my year to find that balance.

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