Friday, May 21, 2010
I didn't sleep so well last night. You see, we got some bad news this week. I previously wrote about our desire to have more children and how it doesn't seem to be happening for us. There is a reason for that. Apparently, I'm having some problems that are possibly causing infertility. And it turns out, so is the husband. Of course, there are more tests to be done. There are steps we can take. But it may not pan out.
Last night I slept lightly and restlessly and had uneasy dreams. Dreams about pockets that were full of holes and empty. Dreams about half-eaten papayas. At about 3 am, I woke up. I started thinking about it all. I hadn't really allowed myself to do that yet, that maybe if I just didn't think about it and went about my life as normally as possible that the problem would just go away and I would be normal again.
And then it hit me. If we can't have another child and probably won't take the adoption route (unless we have some spiritual inklings in that direction that are very strong, we don't plan on going that route), my babies are already growing up. My youngest is 2-1/2 and she's just growing so fast. And while I thrill at the idea of her turning 3, then 4, then 5 and starting school and watching who she will become, as I do with the others, it dawned on me that those days of a newborn snuggled up against my neck, sleeping softly, with pursed lips and fluttery eyelids could be gone. All the milestones that my daughter has already hit may be the last time I get to see those milestones in my own children.
And the flood gates opened. I couldn't stop crying. I feel like part of me has died. I feel devastated. I hate not having control over my body and that it is doing its own thing.
Then, at about 5:30 this morning, my daughter crept into our room and climbed into the bed on my side. She put her arms around my neck and just held on for a long time. That's not like her. She doesn't like to snuggle in bed in the mornings, she wants to get up and get going. She even fell back asleep for a little while in that position, with her arms tight around my neck, holding me and comforting me. It was like she just knew that I needed her.