Sunday, June 27, 2010

Grieving

Every month around this time, I grieve.

I grieve that my body isn't working the way it's supposed to. I'm only 32 years old, for crying out loud. I'm supposed to be able to have a few more years of childbearing left. I just feel so frustrated by the events in my life that I have no control over.

I have always been a problem solver--a person who wants to find a solution, find it quickly and do it. Solve that problem. It frustrates me that these problems I'm facing have no readily available solution.

If we want another baby, we will have to go with fertility treatments. But because we struggle financially, money for that type of thing is not something we have.

It costs money to get all the fertility testing done. Most of it is not covered by insurance. Some of the tests are because they aren't fertility-specific. The tests and treatments aren't all super-expensive, but when you are living paycheck to paycheck as it is, every amount over that budget is a lot. Then we are faced with a choice. Put it on a credit card or not get the tests done? Increasing our debt to have a baby doesn't seem right. These are the choices that are always facing us. Do I just sigh and say, I guess I'll be content with four kids even though I still really feel like there is supposed to more in our family? I just wish my body would work right.

With the whole fertility thing, I don't like it when people tell me that I shouldn't be so upset; after all, I have four kids already. If you feel like your family is complete, then you don't understand how I feel. If you are still fully fertile and have no problems, then you don't know how it feels. Having four children doesn't diminish my desire to have more or my feeling that our family is incomplete. Yes, of course, I am grateful for the four I have. They are wonderful. I love them with all my heart. But I just feel like our family is not complete.

And then I have those who tell me to be patient, we have all the time in the world, what's the hurry? So how long do I wait before pursuing the fertility treatment route? Until I'm 33? That's only in six months. Until I'm 34 or 35? When do we stop trying?

I know. The situation really isn't as hopeless as it feels sometimes. My doctor says there is a chance that I could conceive naturally but because of my condition (and age--despite popular belief, women in their 30s are at higher risk for lots of problems with childbearing than women in their 20s), I have a higher chance of miscarriage. So there is a chance we wouldn't have to go the treatment route. But then every month that I'm not pregnant I wonder if we should try another way.

It's just so hard to know what to do. And I do grieve. I grieve that I have no control over what my body does. I feel angry because it's so unfair. Yes, unfair. I know life is not supposed to be fair, but sometimes the unfairness of it is enraging.


4 comments:

Amber said...

Jenna, I know how you feel. I have been experiencing my own sense of loss as well as anger each month. I am frustrated that you have to feel guilty for this sorrow. Even though you do have four kids, that doesn't mean you can't still mourn infertility! Especially if you have the feeling that your family isn't done.

You let yourself cry. And when it gets too hard, e-mail me. I'm here listening.

Jackie said...

I think your feelings are totally legitimate. You don't need to feel guilty for anything.

Do you get a tax return? Maybe your tax return can be baby money.

Praying for you guys. Sending love.
Jackie

Royalbird said...

Not sure if we'll get a tax return next year and this year's has already been spent on new mattresses or beds for all--something that was sorely needed around here. We'll figure it all out, I'm sure. Just so much seems to be coming at us all at once right now, it's pretty stressful.

PC said...

Perhaps the next person that is supposed to join your family isn't going to be your physical progeny...of course, that route costs quite a bit too, I'm told (adoption, in case I was being way too vague).

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