Sunday, August 29, 2010

Ugh

What on earth was I thinking? Why did I think I could do this again? How did I manage to get through my previous pregnancies? I have no idea.

I am so sick. I am unable to function. My house is a disaster area, and if any of you know me, you know that says a lot, because usually it is very clean. I can't get control of my kids. My 3- and 2-year-olds keep chasing each other around the house, dangerously, and I can't get them to stop.

The laundry isn't getting washed. The bathrooms are exceptionally disgusting.

I can't eat a thing. Well, that's a lie. I do eat, but I force feed myself because I need the nutrition. I gag it down. Usually it stays down, fortunately. But I have the dry heaves all day. And night. And the nausea is with me 100% of the time. It never leaves.

I can't sleep because of it. I'm exhausted. I sit on the couch and yell at my kids and cry because I'm so frustrated.

I guess it's just harder this time. I have four kids. I'm in my 30s, not my 20s. And this is the first time that I've had to get up to get kids off to school during a pregnancy. My last pregnancy, my oldest child had just turned 4 during the first trimester.

I am at my wits' end. I'm barely functioning. I'm not sure how my son will get to his bus stop tomorrow morning. I hope I can get him there.

Every single day is a challenge. Every single morning I wake up feeling worse than I thought I could ever feel.

Is this really worth it?

Sorry about the vent. I can't help it. I'm too frustrated to do anything else. All I want to do is sit down and bawl. But that makes me gag, so I refrain.

5 comments:

Spring said...

I am really praying that this part passes fast for you! You are describing how my last pregnancy felt, and it just sucks. Please let me know if you need anything, even if it's just to take your kiddos for a few hours so you can nap!

Becky said...

I know how you feel because I'm in the same boat myself. It is no fun being sick and feeling completely incapacitated all of the time. However, you body is making a baby. Every time you feel sick there are ten women wishing they could have their head over a toilet being sick at the same time for the same reasons. Your house is a mess, but it is not always going to be a mess. You could have a clean house and have a life of order without a wanted pregnancy, or you can have a mess and at least know your body is busy making a baby. Pregnancies are not the flight of fancy for me as they have been in the past but for my last one I have tried to adopt the mantra, "Come what may and love it". Realizing the good that is going on in your life will help you physically feel better. Good luck.

Devin & Ruthann said...

I'm sorry you are so sick. It's so hard feeling bad and having to take care of your kids and then just being sad when you can't do all the things you usually do. I know exactly how you feel. One day it will pass and you will have a cute little baby in your arms and you will be so thankful for him/her.

Royalbird said...

Thank you for the encouraging words. Even before trying, I knew how hard it is for me, which is why we put off trying for about a year. We do want this baby. I do. I don't mean to complain, but it's just so hard when you can't do anything.

Today was actually an okay day, despite the fact I was up with kids most of the night. But trying to get the basic things done, like paying the bills on time, is so hard when I'm like this.

Anyway, I'll try to be more positive from now on.

Stacy said...

Here's my take, for whatever it's worth. You are doing something only you can do- grow the baby. Everything else- feeding the kids, cleaning the house, paying the bills, doing the laundry, supervising the homework, etc, someone else can do! For the next few weeks or months while you are down and out, everyone else needs to pick up the slack!

Can you make a list for your husband? Honestly, my guess is that he probably has no idea how bad you are actually feeling. Don't try to be superwoman. Do you have family or friends around that could help? What about ward members?

I'm thinking that if you could get some help to clean your house, you'd probably start feeling a little bit less out of control. I'm sure you could find some people who would volunteer to watch your kids for you a couple of afternoons a week so you could sleep.

Also, this is a time for your kids to step it up as well. Having your oldest make pb&j's for everyone isn't going to kill them, and if it means you don't have to get up off the couch, it's a bonus!

Good luck- it's so hard to feel crappy all the time.

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