Saturday, October 2, 2010

Just So Very Tired

I am so exhausted by life. It's not just the pregnancy. It's life in general. It's so much work to just live. To keep up with four kids. To manage a household. To strengthen a marriage. To do all the things we are supposed to be doing.

I sit here and think, I should do this or that to make my marriage better. But I'm just so tired and overwhelmed by everything that I do nothing. I think about how I could be a better primary teacher. A better mother. More involved in my children's school. More involved with the neighbors.

Most days, it's all I can do to just get out of bed in the morning, choke down breakfast and get one child out the door on time to school. Most days I don't have it in me to shower or get ready myself. It's just too exhausting. I hate not feeling fresh and clean and looking my best, but at the same time, why does it even matter? Nobody cares. Nobody usually sees me during the day.

Maybe it is just the pregnancy. But I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by life before it. I think it has just compounded the feeling.

And then when I think about how I feel like doing nothing, I feel guilty about being lazy and uninvolved.

And now I'm too tired to think. I guess I'll go to bed.


4 comments:

Katy B. said...

I'm a new follower to ya. :) Love your writing style. Although I wish things were happier for you. But as a fellow Mom I totally "get you". Just be gentle with yourself. You are worth it. And it will get better. Promise.:):):)

swedemom said...

Jenna, I am going to give you some unwanted and unasked for advice. Maybe it will help.
When I was pregnant with Jonathan, I was really SICK. I mean so sick that the doctors could not figure out what was going on with me. I couldn't get out of bed, I was so tired.
I sat down with my husband and we made a list of five things that were the most important for me to do.
They were: cook dinner, help kids with homework, sleep, and laundry. That was it. I couldn't manage more. I had to let go of my expectations of the perfect house, extra activities, even cooking the kind of meals I was used to. The most important things were the only things I could do. It took a very frank talk with my husband about what was necessary. My biggest priority at that point was getting through the pregnancy with a healthy baby and staying healthy myself.
It wasn't easy. I hated the mess and clutter. My daughter watched a lot of nick jr. and pbskids. But my baby arrived healthy and safely. I am doing well now.
In retrospect, I should have called my relief society president and asked for specific help. I could have asked for babysitting two times a week, so I could nap, or help with cleaning. I think I denied myself blessings and denied the sisters in the ward the opportunity from serving. I regret that.
A few months ago, I went to counseling because I felt so overwhelmed. It took a lot of courage for me to finally ask for help, but I did. And I can't even tell you how much it blessed me. I was able to go my therapy sessions, while wonderful ladies in the ward watched my children. I felt a big renewal inside as I was able to talk about my feelings and also let go of things that weren't important. I also renewed my scripture study. And I felt closer to the people in my ward and improved friendships with them because of the service that was given to me.
Feeling like you are at the end of your rope is draining and is a hard place to be.I've discovered that we aren't supposed to "go it alone". Asking for help in direct ways can lift your burdens.
I think you are a wonderful mom. I think you have courage to keep plugging along even when you feel discouraged.

Hugs to you.

Devin & Ruthann said...

I totally understand. I try to blame my motivation issues on the pregnancy and just pray I will be back to my old self after the baby comes.

I think Swedemom has good advise.

Jenny said...

I just came upon your blog today and I read this post and thought about how I could have written this exact same post a few months ago, how I had those exact same thoughts. I really love what Swedemom said and I really could use that advice in my life as well right now.

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