Lately I've been feeling like I'm running to catch up. The thing is, I don't know what I'm trying to catch up to. I just feel like I'm not doing enough around here. I feel like my house is always a cluttery mess and I can't seem to get the motivation to do anything about making it look better. I have been trying to do this chore chart system that I set up last year but I can't seem to keep up with it. I can't seem to get myself out of bed in the morning to get going on my day like I want to. I used to get up around 6/6:30, shower and get ready, make breakfast, etc. Now, I drag myself out of bed at 6:30 and lounge around for an hour watching the kids get ready and they make themselves breakfast. It's like I've turned into this whole lazy version of myself. I've even been blaming my more "relaxed" husband on my laziness, thinking that his lack of action has rubbed off on me and since he doesn't care whether or not a task gets done, I have no motivation to do anything at all. And then I spend the rest of the time in my day stressing out about how I can't seem to get anything done.
However, after a lengthy chat with my mother last week, one of many lengthy chats actually (I've really become the needy emotional daughter lately too), I realized that I'm still adjusting to having five kids. I really had a good rhythm right after moving here in October 2009 until I got pregnant in August of 2010 and had bad morning sickness. I felt like I really had things under control. I was even doing things for myself--going out with friends to Girls' Night Out, taking violin lessons, involved in ward choir, hitting up every family social event and activity our community had to offer, etc., etc. The boys played baseball, we tried out tumbling and basketball and flag football.
But my anxiety and stress all stem from the fact that I feel like I have nothing under control anymore. My baby doesn't sleep all night STILL. Yep, he's 10 months old and still gets up 1-2 times per night, at least once to eat. His naps are still completely unpredictable. My kids are driving me stir-crazy because I don't have the energy to take them all over to be involved in different things. Right now, my daughter is in dance. The two older boys did flag football in the fall and they are doing an indoor soccer camp right now. The dance and soccer camp are both one night a week, one right after the other, so it's fairly easy that I only have one day of chaos. And even THAT is hard with a 10-month-old and other kids.
Having a Girls' Night Out just isn't happening with me lately. I'm too pooped by 8:00 pm to even imagine heading out that late. I can hardly keep my eyes open past 7:00. Even thinking about picking up my violin to practice wears me out. So does the thought of playing the piano. And forget about giving my boys lessons anymore. Right now, I'm having them review, review, review. They are to pick two songs every day that they've learned before and practice them. I just want them to keep it up but I don't have it in me to teach them.
When I did preschool with my 2nd, we did science and social studies and art and music in addition to math and reading. My 3rd child is just lucky we do anything at all. He doesn't really need it. He can already read the scriptures by himself and do adding, subtracting and basic multiplication. but I feel bad that we aren't exploring the world like I did with my older two.
So in talking with my mom, she made me realize that I'm still adjusting to that fifth child in the family. When he starts sleeping better and simply just gets older, I'll get my rhythm back. Until then, I guess I just have to be patient with myself. Which is not easy to do.