Making happiness is not easy for me. I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I have never been medically diagnosed with either one, but I feel certain I struggle with them. I have sought counseling and it did help, but that was the problem. Because it helped, my therapist said I probably didn't need to keep coming, so I didn't. But it was because I was going that I was feeling better. That was last fall. I have been in conflict with myself whether I should go back. My anxiety has been worse than ever.
Every day it is a struggle to be happy. It is a lot of work. Is it this much work for everyone or just some people? Are some people just naturally happy and optimistic? For me, it's a choice to be happy and optimistic, one that I struggle making. I feel that I am naturally a pessimistic person and the first thing I see is the negative, even if I'm not trying to see it. I have to look hard for the positive in every situation I'm in, every situation, even the little day-to-day things like getting up in the morning, paying the bills, living life.
One main concern of mine is why does the world seem so bleak to me? It's like my worries and fears are so much bigger than anything else that they overshadow everything. I can't seem to find anything happy to focus on because even those happy moments seem so fleeting and small that they just don't overshadow the bad.
I remember reading or hearing once a general authority talk about beautiful vistas in life. He gave an analogy of riding along on a train through tunnels and darkness and every once in a while you emerge from the darkness to a beautiful vista. I think I have missed many beautiful vistas because I seem to only know how to focus on the darkness.
Is it even possible to learn to focus on the light when you've only ever known about focusing on darkness?