tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20753542605072384062024-03-13T13:35:43.083-06:00cluttered musings of a momrandom thoughts about life, motherhood, and the pursuit of happinessJennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.comBlogger429125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-72261240804608740382022-06-04T20:32:00.002-06:002022-06-04T20:32:24.812-06:00Homemakers<p>Homemakers. That's what stay-at-home moms were called when my mom was a young mother. It's a term that I think should make a comeback. </p><p>I don't like the term "stay-at-home" mom. It's supposed to mean that mom does not work outside the home for pay. I find it interesting how so many people seem to believe that if you prioritize your parenthood over a career that means you don't have any sort of life or outside interests or even socialization with anyone but your kids. They think it means you have no skills either. <br /></p><p>That's why I think "homemaking" needs to make a comeback. What is a homemaker? A homemaker is one who makes a home. What does it take to make a home? It takes a myriad of skills.</p><p>As a homemaker, you are basically the CEO of your household. You manage the schedules. You plan, and often cook, the meals. You care for sick children (and husbands--let's be real here). You play the part of chauffeur, teacher, nurse, maid, coach, cook, librarian, personal shopper, commanding officer, and so much more. </p><p>But let's apply this to mothers in general. It really doesn't seem to matter whether you do this as your full-time gig and nothing else on the side or you have another career. It takes skills to manage a household. You can work forty hours a week and be a homemaker. You can volunteer untold hours with any organization and still be a homemaker. You can work mornings, nights, part-time, from home, and still be a homemaker. </p><p>Let's stop pitting mothers against each other. Some mothers want to have an established career because it gives them more of a sense of purpose. Other mothers prefer to focus solely on their family and children because that's where they derive their purpose. Others have to bring home a paycheck just to pay the bills. Others have financial woes but believe that being a mother first is so important that they choose to struggle financially instead. </p><p>Nobody is wrong here. Homemaking skills are skills that any mother, whether she is gone from the house fifty hours a week or home twenty-four seven can develop. </p><p>Let's bring back homemaking and appreciate all hard-working mothers who are doing everything they can to raise their children right to the best of their ability.<br /></p>JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-20453340821537952382022-05-26T20:10:00.000-06:002022-05-26T20:10:22.944-06:00A Letter to My Child's Teacher on the Last Day of School<p>Dear Teacher,</p><p>Every weekday for the past nine months, you have been a central figure in the life of my child. When the school year started, my child was so excited to meet the teacher. Then they met you and you became their world. They would come home and tell me things like, "My teachers says..." or come to ask me a question and say, "Mrs....oh, I mean Mom." I know my child did that to you too, calling you Mom because it happened to me a lot when I was a teacher.</p><p>I am their mother. I am their home. I care for their basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, love, and other needs and wants. But you are also a key component in their development. They are with you for more than a thousand hours of their year. </p><p>I am so glad they got you as their teacher. Every year I worry that their teacher won't be the right fit for them. I know that most teachers and most kids can manage fine and everything will work out, with a few bumps here and there, but I also know that sometimes, the teacher and the child do not match. Personalities clash and it makes for a hard, long school year. More than one of my children have had such a teacher, but we teach them to persevere and get through it and hopefully they learn about getting along with others along the way. I'm glad that this year, they had the right fit. </p><p>Now, as the school year comes to an end, I reflect on how much they've grown and how you've been a part of that, and I become a little sad. I realize what a great experience the year has been for them and I'm sad that it's over. I'm sad that you are no longer their teacher. I realize that through the year, I have developed a relationship of trust with you and a little part of me grieves at the thought that it is over. I want you to know all that you have done to help my child progress has been wonderful. I will miss you as my child's teacher.</p><p>Every year at the end, I find myself sad for these reasons. I wish you the best, I truly do. I always feel even more sad if I learn of your retirement from teaching, or that you are moving to another school. But I also understand that you must do what is right for you. </p><p>Thank you for being my child's teacher. Thank you for the work you have done and will do. I don't think a personalized cup for teacher appreciation week is enough to let you know of my appreciation. I'm not a great gift-giver and can't ever think of anything that would really express that gratitude. So I write this heartfelt letter instead for you to know what you have meant to my family this year. </p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Your student's mother<br /></p>JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-52903033567003775102021-05-01T19:37:00.003-06:002021-05-01T19:37:55.794-06:00Lost Friend<p>I lost a friend this week to suicide. My heart has been breaking since I heard the news, literal, physical pain. She was not a close friend, but still a friend. I looked back through my phone at the last text messages we exchanged. I had bumped into her while running errands and didn't recognize her at first. I hadn't seen her in months because of covid-19 and with our masks on, it took me a minute to figure out it was really her. This was in September what she wrote back to me apologizing for not recognizing her right away:</p><p>"It takes me a minute sometimes but it's nice to see people I know. I don't get to see very many people because we do online school and we don't go to church. I hope you are doing well too and staying healthy."</p><p>You know what? I didn't respond. Like I said, she wasn't a close friend. But I should have responded. I should have called her. I should have sent her a card in the mail or dropped off some treats at her doorstep. I should have done something. I looked back over the last seven months from that text and realize that I did nothing to reciprocate a friendship to her. Now, I know it's not my fault that she ended her life, but I also know that she was probably reaching out, desperate. In talking to a couple mutual friends, I've learned that she was really having a hard time with the isolation. And I know that Texas hasn't been that isolated for as long, but her family took it very seriously and didn't come to church and did online school. I'm not sure this woman ventured out much. When our ward returned to church, her husband went because he was in the bishopric. Sometimes her older children came with him (two teenage girls). But she hadn't been. </p><p></p><p>As I reflected on the fact that I haven't seen her at all in person since I ran into her at the UPS store, I realized that perhaps more people reaching out to her would have made a difference. I do not know what else she may have been struggling with. From outside appearances, her life was pretty awesome. She had a beautiful family (two daughters, ages 16 and 14, two sons, ages 12 and 6). She traveled a lot and it was pretty obvious that her husband absolutely doted on her and cherished her. I know she had a hard life growing up in Russia. </p><p>And even while I'm typing these words, my heart is filled with love for her, but also such terrible sorrow. I don't think I've ever known such sorrow. The only comparable event in my life that knocked the breath out of me and made my heart pound like this was when I got news that my brother had been killed in a car accident. I remember feeling so desperate that it was a mistake, that it wasn't really him. When I found out about my friend, my first reaction was disbelief, that maybe she had only tried to end her life but would actually be okay. </p><p>Unfortunately, she really is gone. I just can't believe it. I keep crying about it. About the loss for her sweet children and doting husband. About the things I never said but should have. About the world not having her in it--she was so bright and beautiful and full of life. I just can't wrap my head (or heart) around this new world. How do people move on from suicide of a friend or loved one? How is it even possible?</p><p>And with these thoughts come my own thoughts I've dealt with about suicide. I guess that's why this hits so close to home. I have struggled on and off with suicidal thoughts. I understand the deep, dark abyss of pain, and often not even understanding why the pain is there, only that it is. The darkness that surrounds you relentlessly. The feelings of anguish and deep sadness that cannot be explained. I always think, if only this worked out, or that worked out, I would feel better. But then those things do work out and I don't feel better. The feelings of loneliness and failure, and not even of failure of something specific, just failing at life in general. Wanting to feel happy but not knowing quite how to make that happen. Always feeling like something is weighing you down. These are feelings I understand, and I understand the desperation of wanting to stop feeling that way and thinking that the only way to end the pain is to end the life. </p><p>The things that have kept me from going down that path too far have been remembering the faces of my children and imagining their faces if they found me gone. Picturing the face of my husband trying to shoulder the heartache of it and pretending to be okay, because that's what he'd do. Imagining my parents, siblings, and friends (who sometimes I'm not sure how much of a friend they really are, but knowing they would be sad) and thinking of how they'd feel. My leaving would only hurt them and I don't want to hurt anyone. So I stay. Sometimes, I stay despite all the very real, raw sadness I feel. It's basically a state of never-ending hopelessness and anxiety. I don't know how to be happy. But I still try to hang in there. I have some good days where everything seems like it will be okay, and I try to cling to those. </p><p>This pandemic has made it really hard. I don't know if it was the pandemic that did it for my friend or if her troubles were deeper and ongoing; I really do not know. But I imagine, when I re-read that last text, that she was feeling very much alone and isolated. People need people. It really is that simple. And text messages, phone calls, Marco Polos, Zoom meetings, and other messages just aren't the same thing as face-to-face with hugs and handshakes and laughter and togetherness. It just isn't. It can be helpful, especially when you are far away from those people, but it doesn't replace in person. It never can. So much is lost when we can't see each other in person face-to-face in the same room. </p><p></p><p>My friend was amazing, beautiful, talented. She had so much life left. I'm so very sad because the world lost a beautiful person. There is much written about how to deal with suicidal thoughts and tendencies and how to cope with them and how to choose to stay. But there isn't a lot written on how to cope with the loss of someone who chose to leave. How to pick up the broken pieces. How to find hope in the Savior through something like this. I don't know how to do this. It's just very sad.<br /></p>JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-38704277846836079412020-12-27T17:03:00.002-07:002020-12-27T17:03:50.472-07:00Things I've Learned From our bout with COVID19<p>Well, we got hit with COVID19 the week before Christmas and here are some things that I've learned after having had the big bad virus.</p><p>1-People care WAY more about whether or not you could potentially spread it than they care about how you're doing with the virus. One family member every time we communicated with her would say "I hope you're being careful because people can die from this" and not once did she ask if we were feeling okay. Fortunately for us, we were. But I thought that was rather rude. </p><p>2-Once people know you've been infected, they really do treat you like you are a leper. Family members have continually told me they hope we're staying in our quarantine and not infecting others, despite the fact that it's already been the entire length of time the quarantine should be as stipulated by the CDC. My husband is already back at work. He has had no symptoms other than the initial symptom of "no taste or smell" that prompted him to get a test in the first place.</p><p>3-The test is not trustworthy. I'm convinced there are a lot of false positives out there based on the test. His test came back as "detected", not positive or negative, which I thought weird. It also states below the results: "Detection of viral RNA may not indicate the presence of infectious virus or that 2019-nCoV is the causative agent for clinical symptoms. The performance of this test has not been established for monitoring treatment of 2019-nCoV infection. This test cannot rule out diseases caused by other bacterial or viral pathogens." Basically, that's saying that while viral RNA was detected, it doesn't mean that he actually has COVID19. The other interesting factor was the his antibody test for Covid19 came back negative. It's possible that he didn't actually have it. </p><p>4-Doctors don't seem to care about treatment during the illness. They didn't give any advice on how to treat it. They didn't give any paperwork or anything. Only whether the viral RNA was detected or not. When I took my 7-year-old in on November 28th because I suspected she might have strep again (based on the white patches that were all over her tonsils) and her strep test came back negative, the doctor at the Urgent care gave me a four page packet explaining all the other potential causes of her symptoms and how to treat them. When her test on December 17th came back positive for COVID (which we didn't find out until the next day even though WE PAID EXTRA for a rapid test!), we were told nothing. No tips on treating any symptoms or anything. I've been treating it like croup. She's been up at night having trouble breathing, like with croup, so I've put her in the hot, steamy shower twice and had her sleep in our room after that. It seems to be working, which makes me question the validity of the test and the cause of her symptoms (sore throat, nasal congestion, croupy cough at night, temperature on the first day which prompted the visit and test, only because just an hour before her dad's test had come back positive). Based on what was printed below my husband's results and how steam has helped her breathing (and I haven't read anywhere of treating covid similarly to croup), I'm not sure she even really had covid19. Also, nobody ever called to follow up with my husband to see how he was doing or feeling.</p><p>5-My husband will still have to quarantine in the future for exposure at work and my kids will still have to quarantine at school. I'm fairly certain we all had this bug, as several of us lost taste and/or smell and we all have had coughs, body aches, low fevers and sore throats on and off throughout the ensuing week after my husband and daughter's tests came back positive. If we've had it and therefore have antibodies, why do we need to quarantine when exposed to others who have it? Aren't we at a much lower risk of re-infection? Isn't that why there's a vaccine?</p><p>6-We fared well, as I knew we would if we ever got it, simply based on statistics--most people have mild cold symptoms and come through it just fine. It's the ones who don't who are making the news. The vast majority do just fine, and we did. I had body aches on day 6 and when I woke up without the aches the next morning, it was nice. I had head congestion all week and lost my sense of smell. I could still taste though, which was weird. My smell came back on day 12. From the time I started not feeling well, which was actually two days before my husband, until I felt 100% again was 10 days (other than the smell). As soon as my asthmatic son started with a cough, I loaded him up on zinc and vitamin C and he has been fine since (that was four days ago). I also made him start using his emergency inhaler every four hours. All of this makes me wonder about the treatments they have not been recommending (like using your inhaled steroids if you have them, and a steamy shower/humidifier--daughter has had a humidifier in her room since her day 7). </p><p>7-I'm fairly certain it has passed through us all and done what it's going to do to us and we should be find to come out of our quarantine. But people are still nervous and don't want us around. </p><p>8-the hype surrounding this has been much worse than the disease itself. Yes, I know some people have it bad and even do not survive. But the fear over that small percentage is so great that even I started having anxiety over my children and husband having it and dying. A family member told me that "it's always day ten that's the worst" yet that's the day the CDC says you can resume normal activity if your symptoms are gone. So I spent the first week expecting to wake up to my husband not breathing at all on day 10. That fear was completely unfounded as the statistics simply do not support it. I lost so much sleep over it this week worrying about all of my kids and husband's breathing every night. My husband even used his CPAP throughout the whole ordeal and didn't have any breathing problems at all. </p><p>I know that people do not fare well with this disease, but I question if it's actually the same disease. I wonder if there are different strands and why can't they test for that? Does one strand turn into another? Like if we had such a mild bout with it but had passed it to someone else, would they have to the serious strand? How does that work? I feel like there are unanswered questions that nobody seems to be trying to answer.</p><p>Also, this has given me a completely hopeless outlook for the coming months and years. The vaccine rolled out while we were in our quarantine and we are being told by the media outlets that we will still have to physically distance from each other, wear masks, and keep events canceled. Then why the vaccine? If it doesn't work well enough to bring back some normalcy, why have it? And if that's the case and 2021 turns into more of the same--few sports, games being canceled left and right, no youth dances, no youth activities, no regular church classes, quarantine at the drop of a hat over and over again...what's the point of living this way?<br /></p>JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-8000654654255425772020-11-12T19:38:00.000-07:002020-11-12T19:38:09.403-07:00The Anxiety Game<p>I wish I could make my anxiety go away. It is with me constantly. The thing is, when I have read about anxiety in general, it is usually based in some fear--fear of social situations, fear of having a traumatic event happen to you, that sort of fear. My anxiety is from not knowing. My anxiety is from fears on how life will go.</p><p>I have anxiety about my oldest getting up in the morning. He doesn't get up to his alarm. It will ring, sometimes for an hour or more. Sometimes he'll get up and snooze it so it will keep ringing. But then he never gets up. I don't know if that's a conscious choice or if he's not really awake when he does it. Sometimes he'll get up and turn it off instead of snoozing it. Then he claims he didn't know he did that. I usually end up pounding on his door to get him up. Every night I wake up around 2 am and can't get back to sleep because I know he will not get up to his alarm. I hope he will. But he doesn't. Every. single. morning. So the second oldest who relies on him for a ride to his early morning seminary class will wake me up to take him. I'll pound on the oldest's door on my way down to put on my shoes and grab my purse to take the other one. He will get up and go to the class also but we usually pass each other, me coming home from dropping off his brother while he's heading over to the church. Why do I have anxiety over this? It's not my problem really. I mean, I will take the other one to the class and that is a given. I'm usually already awake at 5:30 anyway. But my anxiety comes from the worry that when my oldest is on his own (assuming he actually gets to that point) that he won't get up for a college class or his job. He'll then fail the class or get fired from a job. Maybe that's the only way for him to learn to get up. But I kind of wish he had already learned that lesson at home. When he lived with my brother's family for the summer, to my knowledge they did not wake him up for work and he got up on his own. How? I don't know.</p><p>I have anxiety over finances. We have tried for years unsuccessfully to get fully out of debt. The biggest culprit is the fact that we own subpar cars and homes that are always in need of repairs and we don't make enough money to keep up with the work that needs to be done, so inevitably, something big comes up that we can't pay for (despite having some money in savings and trying to be prepared for these things--we really do try) and we end up having to use a credit card to pay for the bill. Like when our hot water heaters went out three years ago. Yes, two of them at once. The way the house is built, it requires two. They both went out. We needed to replace them. That was covered under the warranty. But the way they were piped in was not up to code and had to be redone. That's what hit us hard. Several thousand dollars we did not have. So we had to charge it. Then, we hit covid19 shutdowns and I stopped teaching piano lessons and doing preschool. I missed out on two months of pay for April and May for both. That was about $1900 for those months. Then I didn't have piano lessons in June or August either, which I usually do, and that was another $1900. So we were $3800 dollars. Then my husband's store became less busy and despite his company helping by supplementing a little, it hasn't been enough and he has made $500-$1000 less per month for eight months. So we have been down for the year $7800-$11800. Monthly it's been killing us. My anxiety stems from not being able to pay a necessary bill and then having that utility shut off or being foreclosed on and then being essentially homeless. I'm told we'll never be homeless because we have people who will help us out. But I worry that we will actually be in that situation, which is a terrifying prospect. I was only able to resume my piano lessons with five of my fifteen students. So that's one-third of what I was making before. And I resumed my preschool but neither student is paying...instead we are doing exchanges. Which is fine because they are providing services we want, but it doesn't help us out financially at all. With the new president-elect and his promise to cut the oil industry and raise taxes, I know that prices will rapidly increase and just affording basic groceries and gas will become difficult, much less our other bills when he shuts us down for 4-6 weeks and nobody can work at all unless they are able to work virtually, which my husband cannot. His company could fold and then where will we be? I'm telling you, the financial instability right now is terrifying. So far for the past eight months, we haven't had to use the credit card and have been pulling from savings, but we have quickly depleted it and have about one-fourth of what we had in there at the beginning of March.</p><p>I have anxiety over church-related issues. I have anxiety over my calling. I'm the music person and have been asked to prepare a musical Sacrament meeting for Christmas but with NO SINGING. This is proving to be tricky when a lot of the instrumental musicians are not planning on being there that Sunday AND many are still doing church virtually and wouldn't be coming in anyway. My ward choir director has moved away and there is nobody that can do her job. Nobody else knows how to lead a choir. I'm certain they will persuade me to do it, if we ever even have the chance to sing again (seems very unlikely that will happen anytime in the coming year). I'm not excited about church for other reasons too. So much of it is virtual and it seems fake to me. Also, the new youth program is a huge failure for my family. Or I guess I should say that my family is failing at it. There is no accountability; there is no motivation; and with all things virtual, there is no support.</p><p>I have anxiety over how the world is today. Yes, all things I can't control and I know that. I know it's a stupid thing to have anxiety over. My kids are addicted to their devices. That is the biggest reason they are failures in the youth program. They don't have time to work on improving themselves because they are too busy chatting with their friends online and playing games online and watching Youtube videos (hopefully appropriate ones). That's another thing. I don't really know how, and neither does my husband, to monitor our kids' use of electronics and the virtual world. We tried an Internet filter but that doesn't work on data used for cell phones, so any content the filter would remove they could still view on their phones (the ones that have phones). It's to the point where I've taken away devices from all of the kids who are under 12. I have a pile of tablets in my dresser. I think there are five or six of them. And I have no intention of ever returning them to the kids. </p><p>I have anxiety over covid19. Not getting the illness, no. That I don't worry about. We are following all protocols (despite not liking it and complaining about it). I think we'll get it eventually. I also think we'll most likely live through it. I'm more worried about how much this will remove from our lives by way of activities and events. We have an In-N-Out event on Monday and I found out that people who are quarantined for exposure, not those who are actually sick, can't go, even though it's outside with masks and there isn't going to be a lot of interaction between people because it's an amusement park where people do their own thing. Everything is taken away for two weeks due to these foolish quarantines. Yes, quarantine those actually sick. But quit quarantining everyone else, for crying out loud! It's really giving me anxiety. In fact, I will probably get sick because my immune system is compromised due to my lack of sleep and general state of constant depression that I am in.<br /></p><p>I have anxiety over food storage. I do not know how to do build it up successfully. We have tried and have something but when push comes to shove, I'm not sure I really know how to use what I have. I have anxiety about family history. We're still supposed to be doing it but I don't even know how to do it and especially with it being so technology based. I didn't used to be tech-inept, not in my younger days, but sometime during my time as a stay-at-home mom, the technology surpassed my ability to keep up with it and now it just stresses me out.</p><p>I have anxiety over my husband's health. Not really covid related but he does have a weight problem and the lack of desire to be healthy. He did great earlier this year losing weight. Then he had surgery and was out of commission for exercising for about a month and since then he hasn't been very good about getting into a routine with it again. He'll go 1-2 days then take a week break, then try again. For a while before the surgery, he was watching what he ate--he cut out soda and cut way back on the sweets and junky snacks but now he's back at it right how he was before. He lost 40+ pounds and gained 10+ back. And then there's me. I want to lose 10-15 pounds but I can't get into a good exercising routine. I hate going to the gym but I can't figure out a good way to fit it in otherwise. </p><p>Life is anxiety-inducing to me and I live in a constant state of near-panic. It's not a good way to live. I don't sleep well and I don't eat well and I'm always worried about something. I often wonder if people really live without these worries. I don't know how to not worry about these things. <br /></p>JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-47157531672412296062020-08-30T12:22:00.004-06:002022-05-26T20:44:10.325-06:00At What PointAt what point do things let up? What are the numbers they are shooting
for? If a vaccine happens, are they going to force people to have it?<br />
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Example:
at church we can't sing, we can't even have hymnals in the pews. At
what point will they say, it's okay to have
hymnbooks now. It's okay for the priests to bless the sacrament without
showing the congregation they are putting hand sanitizer on their
hands. It's okay to not wear a mask. It's okay to not separate everyone
by several pews. It's okay to have Sunday school and primary and other
classes. </div>
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I've been
saying this from the start. At what point will any of that be okay?
It's not like this illness will just disappear. Although, I
suppose we could hope and pray for that and maybe it would eventually. But that's not likely to be the case. We will eventually have to find a way to live life with this illness (as we have with the thousands of other illnesses that infect us regularly). </div>
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When can we go to a high school football game without limiting how many people per family can attend? When will we be able to have in-person music lessons? When will we be able to have a church youth activity without requiring masks and "social distancing"? I hate that term. It's not even really a thing. I don't believe there is any scientific evidence to back up whether "social distancing" (staying six feet or more apart from other people) even mitigates the spread of this virus. I'm not sure it does. </div>
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I think the longer we draw this out, the longer we require these draconian measures (masking, "social distancing", oversanitizing everything), the longer this whole thing will last. I feel like death isn't something we, as human beings, have a lot of control over stopping. We only think we do. And safety? There isn't anything in this world or life that can be 100% safe? All the crazy sanitizing we're doing? That's not 100% safe either. In fact, that can cause superbugs that are resistant to antibiotics and other drugs and even the things we use to clean with. It's not safe to constantly be using hand sanitizer and clorox bleach everywhere and all the time! </div>
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I wish I could eloquently formulate how this all makes me feel. Every time I get an email from our bishop saying "Come back to church! But you are only welcome every other week with these ten other families and remember to not talk to anyone while you're here and social distance and use hand sanitizer and don't sing!" makes me want to vomit and I feel a lurch in my stomach. </div>
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THIS IS NOT NORMAL! STOP CALLING IT THE "NEW NORMAL!" That indicates that this is how things will be from here on out FOREVER. If this is temporary (how many times have I heard "this is the new normal, but it's only temporary!"?), STOP CALLING IT NORMAL! It's not normal to not be allowed to socialize with regular hugging and touching and smiling and making of other faces, etc. It's not normal to have to sanitize your hands every time you go into a classroom and then leave that classroom.</div>
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I truly, truly do not believe that all of these measures are really making a difference. I think they are all more for show--so people who are afraid can feel like something is being done to keep them safe. I'm tired of these words and phrases: "new normal", "social distancing", "safety", "let's stay safe", "let's keep everyone safe". </div>
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I don't understand why, if you are a person who is afraid of getting sick and possibly dying, why you can't just stay home? Why can't you carry your hand sanitizer and wear your mask? Why can't you keep six feet, etc. from other people? Why does EVERYONE have to do it? </div>
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The worst part is that I'm not allowed to feel this way. I'm not allowed to express my concern that this has gone on too long, that this has been taken too far. I'm not allowed to suggest that living like this isn't good for anyone. I'm only allowed to comply and agree that "it's for the greater good". Where have we heard that before? If I try to express my anxiety over it, my dislike of how things are, my absolute desire to not live this way, that not living would be better, I'm told that I'm crazy and stupid, that I'm wrong, and that maybe I should catch coronavirus and die (or someone I love should) and that would show me that these draconian measures are needed. <br />
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You know what? Whenever another bug is going around, be it a stomach virus causing a lot of throwing up or the seasonal flu and everyone in the area seems to be catching it, I sometimes worry that we'll catch it. And then when we do, I wonder if I could have done something to prevent it. We wash our hands. We try to avoid sick people, and so on and so forth. But, in the end, sometimes YOU. JUST. GET. SICK. Sometimes, you can't figure out how you got something. And you'll never know why. Trying to figure that out causes great anxiety. I know, because I am a person of great anxiety. <br />
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I'm not afraid of catching coronavirus. I'm not even afraid of dying if I do catch it. I'm not afraid of having someone in my immediate family die of it either. I trust that if that happens, it's because God allowed it to. Dying isn't the worst thing that can happen. It's far worse to live a life in fear, anxiety, depression, isolation, and misery. I'd rather die than live such a miserable existence.</div>
JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-7019925470611785992020-08-06T21:59:00.003-06:002020-08-06T21:59:55.073-06:00New GoalLast month as I was cleaning out the stack of magazines we keep in the bathroom, I realized that I have not been reading the monthly issues of our church's magazines that we still subscribe to. I like to have paper copies because I like to be able to flip through them and see what catches my attention. It's easier that way than looking at a small box on a screen with the title of the article on it. The graphics catch my attention more than the title usually. But I hadn't been reading them. So I went through the stack and found that I had a couple years' worth of the magazine. I cleaned it all out, put back the most recent copies and made a stack of the magazine for all of 2019 by my bed. It has been my goal to read each issue from cover to cover. I'm doing this at as rapid of a pace as I can because I want to catch up to the current month. Of course, with each month that passes, I will have one more magazine to read before I catch up to where we are. And then, my new goal will be to read them from cover to cover as they come out.<br />
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Since I made that goal, I have read through four issues in about a month's time. There have been many articles that have truly jumped out and spoken to me and been absolutely something I needed to read. Other articles I haven't read as deeply, just skimmed. After reading the fourth magazine, which had quite a few very deep, poignant articles in relation to my struggles in life, I decided that I needed to journal all of this reading. So I pulled out the journal I have set aside for scripture study, which is mostly empty (I have a very hard time just reading scriptures; I need direction with my reading!), and decided to catalog all of the articles that have jumped out at me. I feel like writing things down will help me remember the instructions I receive and the impressions I feel and better apply them in my life. <br />
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This is my new goal. I needed to share it in order to really make it real.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-76145069945267324412020-07-31T22:47:00.000-06:002020-07-31T22:47:47.771-06:00A Little JoyThis morning I had one of those rare quiet moments of joy. My baby, who is now four years old, quietly crept into our bed at 5 am. Unlike any of our other kids who, when they would come in the early hours of morning, would never go back to sleep, this one does. He usually is up because he needs to use the restroom but then he gets back in bed and goes peacefully back to sleep. When it's early morning time like that, if I try to put him back in his own bed, he usually doesn't go back to sleep and gets up for the day, walking others up in the process. So I let him snuggle up to me. <br />
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He was so sweet, lying there, right up next to me. He was completely asleep, but he had laid his hand on my arm before drifting back and told me, "I love you, Mom." My heart was just bursting with joy and I just wanted to hug him fiercely but I didn't because I didn't want to wake him up. I drifted back to sleep also.<br />
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This little boy came at a time I wasn't ready for him. I didn't want to have more kids and was a little angry about the whole situation. But even I, the one who struggles with belief in God's influence in my life, can admit that I think God knew I would need him. He is such a calm, sweet spirit, always showing me love with hugs and kisses and whispering it to me. He is reminding me about the joy of little ones in his excitement over the littlest things, like getting a snack he really likes. I needed this in my life right now and I'm thankful for it.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-23722999925981878372020-07-29T21:30:00.002-06:002020-07-29T21:30:35.966-06:00ToxicI wish I could just fade into oblivion. Not die. But cease to exist. A few years ago, someone told me I was toxic. I was so very, very hurt but wondered deep down if it was true. I wanted them to be wrong. I always thought that toxic was just a label people like to toss out when they are upset with something someone said or did. I never really understood what was meant by toxic. Because I'm a pessimist? Because I always see the worst case scenario? I still don't really know what exactly made that particular person decide that about me. But today, I have figured out that they are right. <br />
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I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being. I never meant to be this way. I still don't mean to be this way. I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable. And then I lash out at others. I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately. It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way. Or they have a means that I don't have. And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean. And can't seem to be repaired. And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were. As a human being, I'm a complete failure. <br />
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Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve. Life was already
too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every
choice that comes my way. I always make the wrong choice. I always say
the wrong thing. I always act the wrong way. I just can't do anything
right.<br />
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I'm not sure I can fix me. I don't know how. I'm broken beyond repair. I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me. I wish I could erase myself from their lives. I'm embarrassed to be me. <br />
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And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again. JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-20891921559235653352020-07-18T22:51:00.000-06:002020-07-18T22:51:19.859-06:00The Pandemic LifeIt's been six weeks since I last wrote. We left on a long road trip only about ten days after I last wrote. We drove to Arizona in one day and stayed for almost two weeks. Then we drove to Southern California (the mountains up near Bakersfield). We stayed there for three days and then drove up to Utah for a week. My oldest son spent the summer (starting in May) working up there. Part of the reason we went up there was to pick him up and bring him home so he could start summer band, since he made the leadership team. Not that it even matters because they've now canceled competition band for the year as well as his trip to Ireland for which he'd already paid about $2000. He could have stayed an extra week. We picked him up when we did because our extended family he was staying with was supposed to leave on a trip right after. But their trip got canceled. Of course, we had already made the plan though so we weren't able to change our leaving time to any later. And then he got back and the leadership training he was supposed to have was changed to online and the whole marching season pretty much canceled. Then we drove down to Arizona for a few more days before making the trek back to Texas.<br />
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We enjoyed our trip. It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine). I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas. Life was the same everywhere though. Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems. When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also. We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time. It was a long day but we did it. We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel. <br />
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We are not worried about covid19. A lot of people are. There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people. I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down. That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it. If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected. If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months. That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%. So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas). There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth. It's hard to know what to believe. So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all. I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes. It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths). It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person. Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was. I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that. If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control? <br />
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This is where I struggle. The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize. But it just keeps going and going. Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places. So far our district still has an on-campus option. I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school. Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen. I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed. They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid. It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure. I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive. It's getting completely ridiculous. All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.<br />
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It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus. I don't even smile out in public anymore. There's no point. People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless. I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere. It's insane. When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.<br />
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Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me. In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery. Death just doesn't scare me at all. I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me. Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that. I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.<br />
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Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now. Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out. Good night!JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-63545961213703111932020-06-04T18:25:00.002-06:002020-07-18T22:51:28.961-06:00Writing and Missing Normal LifeI need to start writing again. I have missed it a lot. Since we moved to Texas, I haven't been able to get my life in order enough to take time out for me to write. I need to do this.<br />
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Writing is an outlet for me. Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is. We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19. We have also been having protests due to racial inequality. I really have no desire to get political. I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way. So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.<br />
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The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born. He is now four years old. Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move. I still regret moving. I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here. But I need to start looking for these things.<br />
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Coronavirus has rocked my world. My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it. I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school. But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them. And for me, to be quite honest. One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics. Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me. It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that! But I really missed that final band concert. That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year! I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it. Same with those choir concerts.<br />
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Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work. I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids. That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered. Same with teaching piano. No piano recital, no lessons since March. I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform. I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me. It was too frustrating for me and my students. I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching. Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that. So that has changed our world. At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss. His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well. And not looking to improve any time soon.<br />
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I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away! That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months. That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall. I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.<br />
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If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it. But I don't want that kind of life. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have. So I struggle.<br />
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I'm going to try to start writing again. Sometimes I will vent my frustrations. Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids. That's all that matters to me right now.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-20036199773037683662020-05-23T18:38:00.000-06:002020-05-23T18:38:04.553-06:00AnxietyI think my anxiety stems from when I had my first baby with the pressure to breastfeed exclusively. My firstborn was five weeks early and lacked the sucking reflex at his birth. He spent two weeks in the NICU learning to suck so that we could bring him home and be able to feed him without a tube through his nose, which was how he got his food the first weeks of life. I pumped every four hours on the dot for the first two weeks and took all the breastmilk to the NICU, where it was kept in the refrigerator and used for his feedings. I went to feed him every eight hours and when I did, they would have him latch on to me to try and suck but he would still get fed through the tube in his nose during that time, so he associated sucking with food. When he was released, I went to a lactation consultant because I had difficulty with latching and with knowing he was getting enough. He was always crying and rooting around; feedings took 45 minutes to an hour and then an hour after that, he would be hungry again. I was already stressed out because he'd been born early and in the NICU. I continued pumping in between feedings, hoping that would increase my supply. I will say, my breastmilk never looked like the milk I've seen stored in other nursing mamas' fridges. It never had that lathery cream at the top and it always had a yellowish tinge--it was never white. That's how it was with all seven of my babies too. I liked to say that my kids got skim milk because that's what my body made and that's probably why they were never satisfied with my milk. <br />
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So at about four months, when I ran out of frozen pumped milk and became too exhausted to continue the pumping/feeding cycle, I gave up and fed him formula. He started to sleep well; I started to sleep well, and he was healthy and growing. But we were on WIC, and every time I went to pick up the vouchers, I would get lectured about how "breast is best" and I should have tried harder to breastfeed. I didn't try hard enough.<br />
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To make a longer story short, I ended up nursing the first one to four months with all of my babies and then switching to formula. I truly don't know if it's because my milk was never very fatty (it certainly never looked right when I pumped) or because my babies didn't latch right, or because I just didn't try hard enough, often something I was told by other nursing moms--"you just need to try harder"--"it's worth the sacrifice to give your baby the best" and so forth. I really feel that if I wasn't constantly being bombarded with the notion that I didn't try hard enough that perhaps I wouldn't have felt such great anxiety and feelings of failure over breastfeeding. Even now, with my youngest child a four-year-old, if people bring up the breast vs. formula debate, I cringe inside and hope that no other mothers feel the huge amounts of anxiety over it that I felt.<br />
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But this has bled into all other areas of my life. I simply don't try hard enough. I had a chat with a close relative about how I constantly feel anxiety over literally <i>everything</i> in my life and she told me I just needed to learn to let go of things. I believe that is true, but I don't know how to do it. How do you know when you have tried everything in your power and now you should just let go and turn it over to God? Or do you still keep trying? It's the trying part that gives me anxiety, but then not trying also gives me anxiety. <br />
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A current example: we are going through a pandemic right now. I haven't been able to teach piano lessons or preschool since it began, thereby accumulating a loss of nearly $3000 over the course of two months (I didn't suffer a loss in March because I simply told my clients that I was unable to make any refunds due to cancellations). My husband has been able to work, but because he is not bringing in the sales like usual, he isn't making his normal amount either, and he has lost nearly $1500 over the course of the last three months. So together, we have had a lower income of $4500 over three months (March, April, May). Fortunately, we had received an income tax return just before it all began and then we benefited from the stimulus package and received money from that too, so for now, we are okay. But if this continues into fall and I cannot teach piano or preschool, and my husband's income is still dwindling, we are in big trouble. <br />
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I tried at first to do virtual piano lessons. It was a bit of a disaster. It's hard enough keeping kids out of the room while I'm teaching piano lessons, but with virtual lessons, having kids walk in and out was a complete distraction, more so than them walking by during real life lessons. Then there is the fact that most of my students are beginners, to the point where they still need me to fashion their hands in the correct playing position and reposition them onto the correct keys multiple times throughout a lesson. I found that it was nearly impossible to do that through a screen. I'd tell them they needed to move their hands one way or the other and they just wouldn't get it. Then the parent overhearing would come in and try to get them to do it and it just ended up being the parent lecturing the kid while I awkwardly waited on the video and by the time 30 minutes was up, we had accomplished almost nothing. My more advanced students did much better, but after a couple weeks, the parents decided they needed a break because doing online school was already causing too much stress. I tried continuing preschool online too, delivering lessons via video and emails to the parents, complete with pictures and pdfs of all the work. But they didn't want to do it either, and continue to pay for it. <br />
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So here's my dilemma. Do I keep trying to do these virtual type lessons in the fall if that's what the government stipulates with social distancing? I was already feeling like a huge failure at preschool, having hard time advertising and bringing in students. This next year is to be my last year even doing preschool. So far I only have one student committed. I need at least four more to make it worth my time. So do I keep trying to do preschool and piano lessons? Do I look for another job? Or do I just not worry about it and "put it in God's hands" and hope something comes about that helps us? I can't let go, but instead of solving anything, I wring my hands and stand there not knowing what course of action to take. I just don't know what to do. <br />
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And this is how it is with all other areas of my life. I do this with parenting. Should I be stricter or am I being too strict? Why are my kids not more self-motivated to set goals and do things? How can I help them with this? Can I even help them with this? Have I failed because I haven't set high enough expectations?<br />
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And there are the things we haven't been able to do for our kids and I realize time is slipping away and there is only so much time left with them before they're grown, so we have to squeeze in all the trips and activities, etc., but we don't have the money to do it, so how do we do it without overspending and...and...and....<br />
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And there is church. I want to have a calling; I do. But every calling I've been asked to do is something I dread. I dread having to lead the music in Sacrament meeting. I dreaded having to plan Relief Society activities and set up for them (being neither crafty, nor socially successful, this was torturous for me). I want to go back to church but I don't. <br />
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I just feel like with everything, I don't know how to let go or what I can even let go of. It's the decision-making that leaves me the most paralyzed, actually. I feel like I do not have a track record of making good decisions or trying hard enough to make things happen before making a different decision. So I'm afraid of proceeding forward with anything because I just know I'll mess it all up. <br />
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And that's why I have terrible anxiety that I can't seem to find any way of alleviating. I don't know what to do. I can't even make a decision because I'm not sure what I'm even choosing between, and if I do know what I'm choosing between, the pros and cons are too equal and I can't make a decision. JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-2401037354419436462019-07-16T20:18:00.002-06:002019-07-16T20:18:35.382-06:00WorryI need to write more. It's therapeutic for me. It has always been my dream to be a writer. I have stories in my head, lots and lots of stories. Some I have started writing down but never finished. I feel like my life is too cluttered to write though. I can't sort through all my thoughts because my head is full of all of my worries. And I have so many.<br />
<br />
I worry about finances. That's a big one. It seems that good fortune never comes our way when it comes to money. We scrimp and save and chip away at the debt but it seems we never make headway. Our debt isn't even that serious compared to some but it's enormous for us. I feel like we're being punished for having it in the first place and the only way to be financially blessed is to get out of debt, which is pretty much impossible without some sort of blessing. We'll get a decent amount in the way of a tax return or other means and then we'll have to use it just to pay the bills during the summer when my piano students are fewer and preschool is out. It's frustrating. We can't ever get ahead.<br />
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I worry about my husband's job. I worry that he's unhappy, that he's unhealthy. I worry that he'll get killed in a car accident driving late at night when he's tired. I worry that he'll have a heart attack because he isn't healthy and doesn't want to do anything about it. <br />
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I worry about my kids. I worry about the opportunities we aren't able to provide for them. I worry that they are missing out on important things because they can't do what they are good at. My daughter was asked to join the team at gymnastics. It would triple the cost, something we are already barely scraping together. I wish we could do it. What will she be missing by not doing it? Should we be doing everything in our power to make it happen?I already feel very overwhelmed and stretched thin as it is. Then there's our son, also a gymnast, who might have the same opportunity, which is why we put him in gymnastics in the first place. I guess we thought it would be several years before these opportunities came knocking and we might have more money then. <br />
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I worry about my kids spiritual growth. I feel like we're not doing enough, that we are letting the world take too great a hold on them, but I feel like it's tidal wave that we can't stop. It's so overwhelming and frightening to me, watching them make choices that aren't keeping them on the right path and then watching them deal with the natural consequences. How can I be better with them so they can hopefully make better choices? Is it even possible?<br />
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So, that's why I don't write much. I feel like the problems are too much and my mind is too cluttered to organize my writing. But maybe writing a little bit every week or so will help it not be so scattered.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-40736710059325814682018-05-06T21:17:00.000-06:002018-05-06T21:17:03.354-06:00Checking InI just wanted to check in. I realize that my last post was a doozer, but I just had to get out in writing some of the feelings and thoughts I'd been having. I still feel the same way. But life keeps on moving along anyway and that's just what it does. <br />
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One of the things I am struggling with is finding time for myself to do things I enjoy. I feel like I just don't have the luxury of that kind of time. I'm so busy teaching preschool and piano and taking care of kids and managing the household that there really isn't time for me to do what I enjoy and there certainly isn't money. But writing is one thing that has always been an outlet for me so I'd like to continue to write. I just don't know how often I'll get to it. <br />
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Other things I enjoy that I haven't done much of lately: playing the violin, reading, drawing and painting, playing sports and exercising, and getting outside. <br />
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I did try playing volleyball for church back in the fall. I made an effort to make it to the games even when I wasn't feeling up to it or it was late and I was tired. Then, I went to one game where we played a double header, two games in one night. The first game they had plenty of women there and they won. I wasn't able to make it to the first game because it was too early and it was the same night as Jonah's first grade program (I believe that was the conflict). So I made it in time for the second game. While I was waiting for the game to start, some of the other women were talking about how they had enough people to play and one even said that they didn't really need me. So I left. I like volleyball, but I don't love it. It's more fun when you enjoy the people you are playing with as well, and these women in my ward...they just aren't very nice to me. At least not the majority of the ones who play volleyball. Now I know I'm not the best player and could use some improvement, but I'm not really that horrible either. And I like to play sports (though basketball is the one I prefer--but our stake doesn't let the women play basketball). But if you tell me to my face that I'm not needed, when I made the effort after my long, exhausting day (Thursdays are rough--three hours of preschool in the morning and then three hours of piano in the afternoon, plus the kid's program and dinner and bedtime and now it's 9:30 at night and I drove 20 minutes to get here), then I guess I just will no longer participate. I've never been one to back out of participating in a church-sponsored activity, but they pushed me away. I'm sure they don't care. But I will have a hard time forgetting how I was treated.<br />
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That was a side story that just came out. Anyway, I'm working on trying to find the time to do a few things I like every week. It's hard. I'm usually too tired to do anything more than turn the TV on and doze off. But maybe if I work on this, I will have a brighter outlook. It's worth a try.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-8942405502101660592017-09-16T15:40:00.000-06:002018-02-24T18:43:46.542-07:00HopelessI am in a really dark place right now and see no hope of any light. I'm writing this because I have to get this out somewhere. I don't feel like there is anyone in this world whom I can discuss these feelings with because they either end up telling me all the things that are wrong with me and these thoughts I keep having or they try to fix me. I don't need to be fixed. Changed, maybe. But if you're going to try and fix me, it's a lost cause. Mostly, I just need a listening ear. Maybe some hope. Because hope is not something I feel right now. The world through my eyes right now is bleak and hopeless. And I'm writing this here because I doubt anybody ever looks at what I write any more. So it most likely won't get read.<br />
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When I was first married, I knew we'd have tough times financially. And so we did. And still are. When my husband first went into management, there were levels, or steps. When he was at the lowest level of management, there was hope. Times were hard financially, but the promotion was always around the corner and things could improve. But now, well, he's at the top for now. Unless he sets different goals to move up even more, which wasn't ever in the plan, he is stuck at what he is making now. We've had our ups and downs with debt (more downs than up, but anyway), and currently we are in a major down. We came awfully close to paying off a lot and then we had about six different things happen that we couldn't pay for but couldn't live without (hello, hot water and air conditioning in the hot, humid South) and racked up the credit card again. Now we are worse off than ever. Since his salary isn't going to improve anytime soon, we are stuck. Stuck in a rut of debt and not enough income. So now I have to do something.<br />
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I looked at my options. I'm trained as a teacher, but I don't hold a current teaching credential/license/whatever you call it these days in my state. To get one, I'd need to fork over more money (that I don't have) and take about three big tests (that I'm not prepared for, having been out of school for 17 years). I could get a job where my husband works and work opposite shifts as him (not at his location, at another one), but I crunched numbers and figured that unless I do that full time, it won't bring in enough extra to really make a dent. So I decided to try and do a home preschool. I'm trained as a teacher; I've worked with the primary grades and taught my own kids in preschool, and I have even taught others. I'm pretty good at it, actually. But home preschool where I live is an anomaly. Here, they confuse the distinction between a "preschool", which is an early learning program designed to prepare a child for formal school and usually begins the year before said school, sometimes two years, and "daycare/childcare", which is when children are taken care of while their parents both work, sometimes the program involves enrichment to keep children stimulated and sometimes it does not. This includes children of all ages, many of whom are babies up to school age (because when they get to school age, they are then at school for much of the day and there is no longer a need for full time childcare. Also confusing is the notorious "mother's day out" where a parent drops their child off for a few hours a couple times a week so they can have a break, and sometimes the program can be more enriching and academically stimulating than other times. At these, generally speaking, children play games and do crafts, but they are not designed to prepare the child for formal schooling. Since all of these terms are used interchangeably where I live, things can get pretty confusing. I'm not required to have a business license to run a home preschool or even a child care license if I have less than 13 students. But potential clients are always asking about these things and it is often a deterrent when I don't have such a thing.<br />
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The other thing I do is teach piano lessons. I charge a lot less than most private music lessons cost around here. There are two reasons for this. Number one is that I was never formally trained in the piano myself. I had a brief stint of private lessons right around the third grade, again in tenth grade, and then one semester in college. For the most part, though, I am self-taught. That isn't to say that I don't know music and can't play well, because I am actually pretty good considering I am self taught. And I did have several years of private violin lessons, plus played for several years in school orchestras, and I spent several years in school choirs and church choirs. So I do know quite a bit about music theory and techniques and can teach beginning and intermediate lessons. But if I were questioned on my background, I feel like students (okay, their parents) would be less than willing to pay a steeper price for someone so <i>un</i>classically trained. The second reason is because I <i>understand</i>. I understand what it is like to have very little money to spend on such things and want to be able to help people have a child in music lessons who otherwise couldn't be if they had to pay more. This might be the wrong approach, I don't know. It seems there are people who would put their children in music lessons no matter the cost and then there are people who will only do it at the right price. I guess my target market is the latter, which I think is broader, but charging less than the norm around here makes some people think I don't know what I'm doing. <br />
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The problem with these things is, that while they bring in income (and, I might add, after crunching numbers, more than I could make part time at most other jobs) and allow me to be home with my kids, they also make me very trapped. I am tied to a very strict schedule. I can't go anywhere or plan anything on Mondays from 3-5:30, Tuesdays from 9-12 and 3-6, Wednesdays from 9-12 and Thursdays from 9-12 and 3-5:30. This includes kids' activities and programs. Gymnastics class is only at 4 pm on Tuesday? Unless I can arrange a ride there and back, my daughter can't do it. Child number five has a school program on Thursday at 5:30? Well, I will either not make it or be late. And try scheduling doctor, dentist, and orthodontist appointments for seven kids and two adults when the only times you have to work with are Monday mornings and Wednesday afternoons (can't do early afternoons because of baby's nap schedule). Fridays are okay, except neither the dentist nor the orthodontist see patients on Fridays. At least the doctor does (so far).<br />
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This is where I get all cranky. I have a serious problem with coveting and jealousy, specifically over this lack of freedom. I look at my family members who are in better places financially and envy, to a huge degree, the enormous amount of freedom their blessed finances have allowed them. <br />
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I hate going into all the beautifully decorated, airy and spacious homes around here for activities or visits and then having to return to my home, which seems so dark and dingy and ugly when I return. I hate that things never seem to get any better for us. No, we aren't perfect and we make a lot of mistakes but I feel like we are punished endlessly for our financial mistakes. And I feel enormous guilt over the things we can't afford to do for our children--for the band trips they won't get to take, for the school shirts and yearbooks they won't get to own, for the memories they won't get to make because we can't afford to go anywhere other than to visit family in other states (and only that every few years).<br />
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I wish we could figure out how to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and stop incurring more debt, but with nine mouths to feed, I find that an impossible task. Yes, I've read all the financial books people always so aptly suggest. I've looked into programs to figure it out. But I've never been able to sit down with someone who can look over our budget and tell us what to do tailored to us, and also give us advice on what to do when an emergency comes up that we can't pay for. Last year when our water heaters went out (yes, both of them), we had to pay $1100 per unit to replace them, and that was WITH a home warranty. What are we supposed to do because we can't pay for it out of pocket--go without hot water until we can? Well, it's a year later and at this point, we still wouldn't have been able to come up with $2200. Same thing happened with the AC. I know, we are supposed to have a savings account that will cover at least 3 months of bills plus anything else that could potentially go wrong. So let's see, we're supposed to have $18,000 to cover three months of bills + $2200 for the unexpected water heater deaths + $1500 for the unexpected air conditioning death + $5300 for the homeowners' deductible for when things like hailstorms hit, so in savings from the day we bought this house we should have had $27,000. So unless we had at least that in our savings account, we probably should not have bought this house? Well, why wasn't there anyone there to tell us that was the amount we needed? And even then, who could have foreseen that we'd be bringing in nearly $30,000 less per year only a few years down the road from when we purchased the home? Any money we did have in savings has been drained from using it to just pay regular bills because our income has decreased. Typically, managers make more every year, not less, so this is unusual for his work. How could we have predicted this? We did have some savings but it is mostly gone now. <br />
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We try. We do. We aren't perfect and sometimes we buy things that we shouldn't, I know that. I feel horrible guilt anytime I buy anything at all, actually. Even groceries. Even gas for my car. If I happen to buy my child new (okay, used from the thrift store or a Facebook seller site) shoes, I feel terrible guilt that I spent money when I have debt. Yes, I know more than anyone can tell me how debt is bondage. I KNOW! I KNOW! That's why I want to change it. But I feel like until I no longer have growing children who NEED things, the possibility of ever ending this depression-and-anxiety-inducing cycle is ZERO.<br />
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And so I am hopeless. I feel nothing but darkness. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. Only darkness. Why should Heavenly Father care about me and my self-induced problems? Since I (we--it's my spouse too, though I seem to bear the burden entirely on my shoulder because he just isn't bogged down by the problem like I am) have made financial mistakes, I must bear the consequences of my choices and never have another monetary blessing again until I have paid for my actions. Which will take a lifetime. I feel like I need to just accept that I will be in this horrible financial situation forever. I even try to do that sometimes, but then I see how blissful everyone else is who have so many resources at their fingertips and feel so hopeless because I will never have that. It's drudgery. <br />
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And I have been called toxic because I can't get past these feelings of hopelessness and self-hate. I can't even bear to be around other people because I end up feeling so much more hopeless. I am worthless, hopeless and don't see any way out of these feelings.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-66451031643458050082017-08-16T20:41:00.002-06:002017-08-16T21:10:55.568-06:00My Kids Go to Public SchoolLately I have seen dozens of articles on social media and the web in general about how horrible American schools have become. There are articles promoting home school as the best or only way to educate your children and if you don't home school, you're basically throwing your children to the wolves. Well, I'm getting a little tired of it.<br />
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Are there issues that need addressing in public education? Of course. No system is perfect and no doubt, in every system out there, there will be a child who slips through the cracks. Even with home schooling, there are definite issues that should be examined when making that choice. And I'm not against home schooling or parents having a choice on how to educate their children. But I do not like all the negativity I see and read when it comes to public school as a choice.<br />
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As a former public school teacher and now the parent of five children in public school, I have seen both sides of this issue. I have worked with fabulous teachers who dedicate their life work to the children in their classrooms. They toil over lesson plans and worry about their students' home lives and stew over ways they can help them with their limited resources and all the rules and regulations that restrict them. And while I have not loved all of the teachers my kids have had, my kids have still thrived in their public school classrooms, even during the years they had teachers I didn't feel were fabulous.<br />
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So I want to set the record straight. Public school teachers are up against some difficult challenges. They are given a set of standards they have to teach. They are expected to have all students, no matter their background, at the same level by the end of the year. They are graded on how well the students do on standardized tests, nevermind that students' scores can vary depending on what is going on in their individual life at that time and some may just be so nervous about taking tests that they do poorly no matter how well they know the subject material or how well they've prepared for the test. The testing method is not conducive to all styles of student learning, yet teachers are graded on student performance on said tests. Yes, there are changes that probably should be made but until they are, this is what teachers are facing.<br />
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And I'm getting really tired of feeling like a bad parent because I choose to put my kids in public school. I spent the last few evenings and days walking with my three older kids around their schools and meeting their teachers for this year. They are going to have some fantastic teachers and I'm excited for them! They ran into lots of their friends while walking the halls and compared schedules to see they have classes together and lunches together and lockers near each other. <br />
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I'm excited that my 5th grader gets to try art and choir and band and that he gets to have several different teachers and interact with a lot of different students throughout the day. Is there a chance he'll be bullied? Of course. But we have had trouble with our own children bullying each other in the past, so it's not like public school is the only venue for bullying. Is there a chance that he'll encounter situations that are opposite to what we teach religiously in our home? Of course. But hopefully he'll talk to us about it like he's done in the past, and we'll have some teaching moments. Hopefully he'll remember what we've taught him and stand up for his beliefs or ignore whatever it is, if it calls for just being ignored.<br />
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I know for a fact that if my kids were home schooled, they would have limited opportunities to go out and meet people (due to the fact that I'm an introvert and don't like going out and meeting people, even when I know them really well, it's hard for me to leave the comfort of my home) and limited opportunity to try new things, due to a very limited budget--public schools offer these things for free or very cheap comparatively. It doesn't cost me anything for my son to have a choral music elective once a week for the entire school year, for example. If he were home schooled, he'd have to join a children's choir group, which around here are not cheap in the slightest, and I would have to drive him to and from all the rehearsals. But he gets to do it at school during the school day for free. Why is that a bad thing?<br />
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My high school student gets to take architecture! I have no idea how I would even give him that resource if I were home schooling. I could give examples of this in almost every subject area for which I have a limited knowledge base. So while home schooling definitely works for some people, I just know it wouldn't work for me. <br />
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Am I throwing them to the wolves, from a Christian standpoint, by sending them to public school? I don't think so. They are part of this world and they have to learn to get along with society, even with people who don't believe the same way they do. I realize that this might create a situation where they might stray from my teachings and follow the teachings of someone else that differs. I don't like that idea at all. However, I am intelligent enough to know that they could do that anyway as adults, or young adults, if I were to home school them to keep them protected from the world. If my kids were home schooled, they probably wouldn't be around very many people who are different than them. The home schooling groups I am aware of in my area consist of many likeminded families (same religion, same social class, even same skin color). My kids wouldn't have their Latino and Indian friends who practice other religions if they were home schooled. It would all be white middle class Mormons.<br />
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My high school student's principal posted this on his Facebook page earlier this week:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"It is one of the most important things for me to do as we get close to
starting school. This will be my 41st year and I am excited. Today I
walk the campus in prayer for our kids and our school. I pray that God
would bless this place with greatness and more especially with kindness
and service. I pray for our staff to be relational and to love kids. I
pray for the safety of our place. I pray for guidance and I pray to be
able to give my best with kids and staff always a<span class="text_exposed_show">t
the forefront of my mind. I pray for the energy and enthusiasm it
takes to do this job and to be able to listen and respond with vision. I
pray for humor and I pray for the incredible support it takes from
family, ESC, staff, parents, community and the kids. I praise God for
the opportunity to do this calling and to be the best I can be. We have
a great place and i send incredible praise to our Lord for this. I
pray.....ceaselessly for our WHS campus and Pirates. Thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord!"</span></blockquote>
<span class="text_exposed_show"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show">I feel pretty confident right now that my kids are right where they are supposed to be. Will they have problems? Yes. Will they come across people who are mean? Most definitely. But public school will not ruin them the way so many in this country seem to think it will. They will be just fine. And I'm excited for another school year for them.</span>JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-86198349275776063912016-09-17T20:05:00.001-06:002016-09-17T20:05:30.359-06:00Loving Our Babies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhulsKitTaTbAPM9-etcEUcWhbHpvtYP_2RuYFw7JoQ8MrGLSCgx8D6o7ylFDzJpRblOlAYFVUSpKtZSKxKOZ1JwvZnZ31c4xL5yTcgPTXRy30I4gNX-8BhmqAwLMnHLly3UxOuhe2-PtA/s1600/20160829_062341.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhulsKitTaTbAPM9-etcEUcWhbHpvtYP_2RuYFw7JoQ8MrGLSCgx8D6o7ylFDzJpRblOlAYFVUSpKtZSKxKOZ1JwvZnZ31c4xL5yTcgPTXRy30I4gNX-8BhmqAwLMnHLly3UxOuhe2-PtA/s320/20160829_062341.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I just love this squishy little guy. I admit, I had a hard time during my pregnancy with the idea that I was having another child. I love my children and I knew I would love this baby too, but I really didn't want any more kids because I was already feeling quite overwhelmed with the six I had plus my sixth is a major handful and there are many, many days that I wish I could put her in a strait jacket.<br />
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But this chunk of chubbiness has absolutely stolen my heart (for the seventh time). He is just such a sweet baby. He's happy almost all the time and so fascinated by the world around him. He loves his Spider-man and several other toys to the point that when we show him the toy, he gets excited and laughs and waves his hands around. I absolutely love listening to the older kids making him laugh--it has to be one of my most favorite sounds in the world.<br />
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With this baby, I have done a lot of thinking. It seems these days that hardly a day goes by without some news story popping up on my social media feed about some parent or step-parent or boyfriend of a mom abusing some baby or toddler. These stories break my heart and make me feel both sad and angry at the same time. <br />
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There are times when my little one won't stop crying and fussing. He's sick or tired or hungry or bored or all of the above. He wants my undivided attention, which is often hard to give him with all the chaos in our house. There are times that his cries are maddening to listen to, but then when I pick him up to see what he might need, he instantly calms. His chubby little hands grip my arm or my neck or my face and he pulls me close and gives me a slobbery tongue kiss (yes, that's what I call it because he sticks his tongue out, but I'm pretty certain he's trying to kiss us). <br />
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He relies on us for EVERYTHING. These little ones come to us not even able to hold up their own heads or control their own bodies. Unlike other animals in the animal kingdom, human babies are completely reliant on their parents to take care of them. They have to be held, fed, and changed. They have to have social interaction to learn social cues and develop an understanding of human emotions and behavior. Other animals can find their own food, walk on their own, and aren't as reliant on the parent for as long when they are babies. But human babies take a year or more to learn to walk, months to hold up their heads, roll around, scoot and crawl. Even grasping small items takes months and feeding themselves can take more than a year, sometimes two.<br />
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Why do you suppose that these little humans come to us with such neediness? I have always believed (ever since I took a child development class in college) that human babies come to us this way to force us to love them and care for them and learn to serve them. If they came to us already doing all those things, we could easily let them fend for themselves, but because they rely on us for everything, we are forced to take care of them. <br />
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Every time I start to feel annoyed or anxious because I don't know why my baby is fussing, I try to remember that he just needs me. There will be a time he won't need me as much but right now, I can hold him in my rocking chair during the night if he has an upset tummy and let him sleep on my shoulder. I can snuggle with him instead of washing the dishes because he needs me right then. He needs a diaper change, a bottle, or just to be held and played with, so it's my job as his parent to provide that for him. When I chose to have a child, I chose to be his caretaker and provider and make sure that he has what he needs from me. Heavenly Father intended it to be this way. It's all part of His plan.<br />
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And who can resist? Look at those chubby cheeks and fat little hands!<br />
JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-59734802346251444262016-06-04T13:29:00.004-06:002016-06-04T17:45:49.161-06:00Chore WorkshopA few weeks ago, I noticed that my children had really started slacking off on their chores. What does a manager or boss do when their employees start slacking off? They retrain! So I thought it would be a good idea to hold a chore workshop to retrain the kids on how to do the chores correctly for a job well done.<br />
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I have written about my <a href="http://cluttermom.blogspot.com/2011/08/my-chore-system.html" target="_blank">chore system</a> before. Since then, I have added a child to the system and adjusted the chores so that the "laundry/garbage" chore is now divided into "laundry" and "garbage". I also no longer do tokens for earning video game minutes. I will briefly summarize. We rotate through the chores on a weekly basis. Each regular weekly chore has a Saturday chore, which is more difficult and involved, attached to it. It was mostly the Saturday chores that the kids were slacking on, but while we were retraining them, we touched briefly on the weekly job as well.<br />
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A few years ago, I printed out checklists for each chore, including regular weekday chores and Saturday chores. I laminated them and bought several Vis-a-vis markers to use on the charts. Here is an example of one of the charts:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx4oaeMh7yckkJyTsqFO5spaedIfq8-JQJ9mqckdHcspm2Ma8jkNBRggBr9nFq6Hk4YTR1OBzA_oarX5qeNZPmKliicmmdIX7ajT6oGWXD1QeXhbl6_z-pYEnYfAa8msD8wmNKSrzfoAA/s1600/20160604_141451.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx4oaeMh7yckkJyTsqFO5spaedIfq8-JQJ9mqckdHcspm2Ma8jkNBRggBr9nFq6Hk4YTR1OBzA_oarX5qeNZPmKliicmmdIX7ajT6oGWXD1QeXhbl6_z-pYEnYfAa8msD8wmNKSrzfoAA/s320/20160604_141451.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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For our chore workshop, which really sounds more involved than it was, we divided up who was teaching what. My husband is very particular about how the sweeping and mopping gets done for the table setter's Saturday chore, so he took that chore. Since the other part of the downstairs involves sweeping and swiffering, he took that one too (see above picture). Another Saturday chore is vacuuming, and he took that one as well. I trained on bathroom cleaning and "dog duty", which involves picking up the poop in the backyard, and they didn't need retraining on that, and dusting the whole house, including the wooden part of the stairs, which holds the banister.<br />
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We got started bright and early--7 am. Our plan was to finish by 9 am and eat donuts. I started by training the kids on the downstairs bathroom. All of our bathrooms are full bathrooms and require the same procedure, except our master bathroom has a big jetted tub and shower that are separate and the other two bathrooms have the shower/tub combination. I will probably still have to review our bathroom with each kid just because there is a little more work involved. They all stood in the bathroom doorway (the five older kids, Dad hung out with the younger two) and watched while I explained step-by-step, asking questions and checking for understanding. I had some of them do some of the steps too. It took about 20 minutes. We also pointed out the time and reminded them that if it takes twenty minutes per bathroom (and that was with me stopping and explaining things), then it should take them about 1 hour to do all three bathrooms.<br />
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After finishing with the downstairs bathroom, I reviewed dusting with them, showing them what needed to be dusted in all of the rooms. Then my husband took over and had them pick up toys and clutter off the floors so he could sweep, mop, swiffer and vacuum. He then showed them what those chores entailed. After we were done with our demonstrations, some of the kids had parts of their chores left, like the other two bathrooms needed finishing and rugs, chairs, and other items needed to be put back into place.<br />
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We also reviewed the steps for Saturday room cleaning and daily room cleaning, for which I also have charts hanging in each of their rooms. Here is that chart:<br />
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This week we sat down and had breakfast before doing our chores. As we ate breakfast, I reminded them each of what their chore was and pulled out the charts to review. I will probably make a pocket of some sort to keep the Saturday chore lists on a wall somewhere so that all they have to do on Saturday is go pull their chore and follow the checklist. The bathroom checklist stays with the bathroom cleaning supplies in the carrier. The room cleaning and bed making lists are hanging on their doors.<br />
<br />
One nice thing about this was that I was able to see what revisions I needed to make that were unique to this house or that I've added or done away with for each chore. So in the coming week I am planning to edit the ones that need changing and print and laminate the updated charts.<br />
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I feel that teaching and training our children this way sets clear expectations and prepares them for when they have a job outside the house. I feel that teaching children how to work and working with them is an important part of childhood that often gets overlooked and even frowned upon in our modern culture. But my kids really rose to the challenge and did an excellent job on their chores this week. I even went grocery shopping with the younger two while the other five were working on chores and came home to a mostly clean house, with a few exceptions. It was fantastic! And my kids felt so great about their accomplishments.<br />
<br />
JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-47527878394355075702016-02-22T16:53:00.000-07:002016-02-22T16:53:04.695-07:00More the Same than DifferentI am Mormon. I was born and raised in the LDS Church, aka the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never been secretive about this fact. I may not go around openly proclaiming it all the time, but when asked directly what church I go to, I have always been open about it. My kids are too. <br />
<br />
In recent years, especially with the candidacy of Mitt Romney for president, I have seen a lot of hateful rhetoric spewed about Mormons. I've frequented blogs by women of other faiths whom I admire only to find they are critical and downright rude about Mormons, to the point where I've found myself defending our church in the comments sections of these blogs. The thing is, most of the blogs I have read belong to members of other Christian sects. The writers have a lot of opinions and ideas similar to mine, which is why I would frequent the blogs. I don't know if these Christian women even realize how we are so similar because often, when Mormonism comes up, they are very hostile towards our church. They probably don't even realize how many LDS women follow their blogs.<br />
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I have always wanted to start a blog with a fellow Christian who is not a Mormon to show that we have a lot of similar beliefs and ideals and to show how our common ground could give us strength together. I have never had that chance, mostly because most of the time, when one of these women finds out I'm Mormon, I am automatically shunned from their world. I find this so sad because we have a lot in common. Especially when Mitt Romney was running and many other Christians claimed they could never vote for him because he was a Mormon. They completely disregarded anything he stood for and just because he held different beliefs about the nature of God and what we Mormons call the Godhead, they couldn't find anything else in his platform they could agree with because they heard "Mormon" and stopped looking. So I would like to talk about the similarities we have.<br />
<br />
To begin with, let's dispel with the three great differences between Mormons and many other Christian sects. First, we believe that God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three separate and distinctly different beings who are unified in purpose. Many other Christan sects believe that they are all one and the same being, The Trinity. This just does not make sense to me, but even with that different belief, we can still agree that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World. <br />
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Second, other Christians claim that Mormons do not believe in being saved by grace. That is absolutely untrue. The fact is there is a great deal misunderstood about grace, but we do believe in being saved by grace. It is only through the grace of Jesus Christ that we can attain salvation. However, that doesn't mean we can live depraved lives, making terrible choices, and still be saved because we proclaim we believe in Jesus Christ. We do have to try our best to be good and do good things throughout our lives. But despite being wonderful, without the grace of Jesus Christ, we could not be saved. That is what it means that we are a gospel of works. <br />
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Third, the whole fact that we have another book that we call scripture in addition to the Bible is a disputing point for other Christians. We simply believe that our Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. We also believe the Bible and adhere to its teachings as well. How bad can we be when we claim to have more to know about Jesus Christ and his mission? <br />
<br />
So, there you have it. The three doctrinal points that get other Christian sects all riled up about Mormonism. There are other differences we have with individual sects that they also have with each other. For example, infant baptism and/or baptism by immersion. Some baptize by sprinkling, others by immersion, most believe in infant baptism, but we do not. However, I have in my possession a list of doctrinal points that vary sect by sect and there are many that disagree with each other on many points, including the Mormons. <br />
<br />
But I prefer to focus on what we have in common.<br />
<br />
Most people of faith believe the Ten Commandments and try to teach them to their children. Mormons do this, Catholics do this, Baptists do this, and many other sects. We believe that adultery is wrong, we believe in honoring parents, in not killing, etc. <br />
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Most people of faith are trying to teach their children to live moral, upright lives. Depending on the level of their commitment, this may mean no sex until marriage for many of them. Mormons certainly believe that. <br />
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Many people of faith agree that same sex marriage is wrong and distorts God's plan for families. Many people of faith agree that abortion is evil. Many people of faith believe there is value in having a mother be a homemaker and teaching boys to treat girls with respect and girls to treat boys with respect. Many people of faith understand that pornography is evil and the effect it has on the minds of those who view and fight against it.<br />
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In a lot of ways, I am similar to my non-Mormon, but religious, mother peers in that I am trying to teach my boys to be respectful of women and to be honorable and valiant young men. I am trying to teach my daughters to be modest and to believe in their worth as a daughter of God. I am trying to teach my children that using profanity is not a good way of communication. I am trying to teach my children that Heavenly Father loves His children and that they each have individual worth only because they are God's child. I'm trying to teach my children to love one another, to succor one another in their trials, to be kind to everyone they meet, and to follow Jesus Christ. <br />
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We may not agree on every doctrinal point, but we can agree that we are trying to teach our children to follow Jesus Christ and be like Him. We want them to live moral lives, to contribute to society, to become good mothers and fathers who will lead their own children in the direction of light. We are more the same than different on a lot of issues. We believe in strong families and commitment to God. We believe in righteousness and service. I really hope that someday we can all come together and recognize our similarities and see them as a strength that binds us together instead of the differences in doctrine that divide us. JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-36706164953663197652016-02-17T12:12:00.001-07:002016-02-17T12:12:31.043-07:00Ten Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than BreastfeedingI know, I know. Just the title sends a horribly selfish vibe. Yes, I suppose there is quite a bit of selfishness in the choice I have made the last six babies and will for this surprise number seven when it comes to breastfeeding. With my first who was born early and spent two weeks in the NICU, I spent hours pumping and feeding him bottles while he learned to suck. I then nursed him, but every feeding lasted about 45 minutes PER SIDE and then I still had to give him a bottle for him to seem content and not hungry. So after four months of doing that and pumping, I quit. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was way too stressful and gave me a lot of anxiety that left me with an upset stomach constantly.<br />
<br />
With number two, he learned a lot faster and things went more smoothly, but by four months, again, I was nursing him from each side about 45 minutes and still having to give a bottle for him to seem content. For him, it was a formula bottle, rather than pumped milk as with my first (whose pumped milk lasted another two months--so technically he got breastmilk through month six, the first did). After one really long weekend where he wouldn't sleep at all and screamed and screamed and I was about ready to do something horrible to him, I decided that I needed to just give formula and allow my husband to take turns feeding him. I was much calmer and happier after that. <br />
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With number three, I tried again but only made it two months. With number four, same thing. With number five, I made it six weeks and then when number six came around, I still nursed her in the hospital to give her that good colostrum and tried for the first few weeks, but my heart was no longer in it. I knew that it was a hugely stressful thing for me. Plus, I don't know how other moms can just sit and pop a baby on and off, no big deal. I have to have about four pillows stacked all around me for comfort, so getting ready to breastfeed is a major project for me, and to have to do that every 1-2 hours for more than an hour at a time makes it a highly unpleasant experience for me. I hate having huge achy breasts, I hate the feel of the baby suckling my nipple, and I just don't have the patience it takes to sit there for long hours without knowing if the baby is getting enough. <br />
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I am grateful that modern science has provided an option in the form of formula and while I'm intelligent enough to understand completely that formula does not come close to replicating breastmilk and the amazing thing that it is, I still appreciate that it's there. <br />
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As I'm coming up on the birth of surprise baby number seven, I am recognizing the massive anxiety and panic I am feeling over having to consider this choice all over again, as I thought I had left that in the past with number six and had finally gotten over the guilt of my breastfeeding-loathing. Part of me doesn't even want to bother with it at all, just give him formula right from the start and forget about breastfeeding entirely, but I still feel guilt over this feeling of mine. I will probably try again, knowing full well it's something I really hate to do. So, as I was showering the other morning and thinking about the possibility of giving birth anytime now and realizing that the choice is upon me, I started thinking of all the things I'd rather do than breastfeed.<br />
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Keep in mind, these are things I really don't like to do. Here it is:<br />
<br />
<b>#10. Perform any type of car repair.</b><br />
I know I'm capable of repairing certain parts of cars, like changing the oil. I even replaced the light bulb in one of the front headlights of my husband's car for a Christmas gift to him, to save us $100+ on having a shop do it. It was time-consuming and gave me anxiety, but I did it. I didn't enjoy it, but I'm glad to say I did it. But I don't like trying to fix cars and even watching car repair videos on Youtube to see how something is done gives me anxiety. But if I had to choose between sitting and breastfeeding a baby or changing that oil, I'd want to change the oil.<br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>#9. Cleaning up dog vomit.</b><br />
This is something that since we've had a dog, I have had a hard time stomaching. I have done it many times, but if the dog ever throws up when my husband is home, I make him do it because I can't stomach it very well. It usually makes me heave and sometimes even throw up myself. But I'd rather do that than have to sit and breastfeed.<br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>#8. Fly to Japan (or anywhere that keeps me on a plane for so long over water).</b><br />
I haven't flown all that much in my life, and every time I do, I get nervous. But the two times I flew over water, I majorly panicked. It was really scary to me. But I'd rather make that trip than have to breastfeed.<br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>#7. Plan and execute a social event.</b><br />
Wow. Planning any type of social event, even a birthday party for my kids, is not my forte. I do not feel comfortable doing anything like that. I usually encourage my kids to choose a fun family activity, like bowling, rather than have a birthday party. Planning social gatherings for adults is even more out of my comfort zone. I recently attended a cub scout banquet and was in awe at how well it was put together, with the food and the decorations and the activities. Nothing my poor brain could have come up with or executed, especially the decorating part. But if I had to choose between doing that and breastfeeding, I'd rather do that.<br />
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<b>#6. Go to the dentist.</b><br />
Like most people, I do not like going to the dentist. I don't like it for probably different reasons, though. I don't like that there is a chance I may have a cavity, which means money will be spent to fix it. I also don't like the sound of the scraping of my teeth. It's a horrible sound, akin to fingernails on a blackboard, and there is no way to tune it out because it reverberates in my head, so even earplugs wouldn't work. But I'd take that horrible, miserable 30 minutes over breastfeeding any day.<br />
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<b>#5. Eat brussel sprouts.</b><br />
Even the smell of brussel sprouts give me the dry heaves. The thought of how they taste just makes me feel sick. But I'd rather eat a serving of them than sit and breastfeed a baby for one session. <br />
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<b>#4. Run a marathon.</b><br />
I know there are a lot of people for whom running is a great escape and fills them with vigor and excitement. I am not one of those people. Ever since I was a little girl and was a gymnast, I struggled with the lung capacity to really run. I hate running. It is one type of exercise I just do not ever do. But I would rather do that than have to sit and breastfeed a baby.<br />
<br />
<b>#3. Make a phone call.</b><br />
If you know me, you know now nervous this makes me. Even when something important is on the line, I will postpone phone calls until I no longer can. Or, if possible, I will go talk to that person IN PERSON over making a phone call. Like taking care of a bill at a dentist office recently, I took the time to drive over there with my two little kids and sit with the insurance manager to go over it, which was definitely something that could have been done by phone. I just am uncomfortable making phone calls. But if making that phone call would get me out of breastfeeding, I'd do it.<br />
<br />
<b>#2. Speak at an all-male convention.</b><br />
Generally, I don't mind speaking. In fact, I'd rather give a talk in church than have to make phone calls for a church calling. But speaking in front of men makes me nervous. I've never had any bad experiences around men, but I just prefer to talk to women over men. In fact, I choose my kids' pediatrician and my other doctors from an all-female list because I know I will be more likely to ask questions and talk about any problems with a female than with a male. Speaking in front of just men would terrify me. But I'd rather do that than breastfeed, if that were the choice given.<br />
<br />
<b>#1. Clean bathrooms or any other unpleasant household chore.</b><br />
I would much rather do housework than sit and nurse my babies. I don't mind bottle feeding them and then getting to work, but trying to breastfeed took so much time and effort that I was never able to get anything done. So if I had to choose to breastfeed or clean the bathrooms, I'd rather clean the bathrooms. <br />
<br />
Okay, I realize this earns me the "worst mom of the world" award and people can now start their mudslinging and symbolic stone-throwing. I get so tired of reading articles and blogs that talk about how wonderful breastfeeding is and how essential it is to that mom-baby bond, but that there are medical exceptions. However, in my opinion, the reasons don't really matter. If a mom doesn't like to breastfeed and would rather pay hundreds of dollars every month to formula feed, she should have that right<b> without being ostracized. </b>If she really tries hard to do it and just can't get it to work right no matter what she does and feels incredible guilt over it, she should be able to formula feed <b>without being ostracized.</b><br />
<br />
Besides, I never once was asked whether I breastfed or formula fed once my kids were past age one. Even when we moved more than once and got new doctors, if the kid was over one, the question of whether I breastfed that child or not wasn't even asked. It wasn't asked when they started school, it wasn't asked when they took IQ exams or gifted exams, never. So far, my kids are pretty healthy and happy and well rounded. Oh, and the bonding thing? My six kids all seem to think the world of me (so far--we are getting into the teen years with the oldest, so we'll see, but so far, he still tells me I'm a great mom). I guess I managed to bond with them after all, even though I didn't breastfeed for an entire year with any of them. Somehow, we managed to bond and have healthy, happy kids without exclusively breastfeeding any of them, and only doing the bare minimum with a few of them. <br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>That said, I will support any other mom's choice to breastfeed.</b> Just because I don't like it and can't do it very well doesn't mean I'm opposed to it and am all "formula is the way to go!" I do wish I enjoyed it and that I wanted to do it and that I had been successful at it, but I'm not going to waste time and energy feeling bad about it when there is another option out there that, based on my life experience with my own children, has been a successful way to feed a baby. <br />
<br />
So there. I said it. I will not be breastfeeding beyond the first few weeks with this baby. Not because I can't, but because I choose not to. I don't like it and am a happier mom when I don't do it or spend hours trying in vain to do it. Yes, it's hard, and I'm not willing to sacrifice whatever it will take to make it work. I suppose I'm selfish for that, but I'd rather be happy and a little selfish than angry all the time because I'm breastfeeding.JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-40093134735486274872015-05-03T21:27:00.001-06:002015-05-03T21:27:16.213-06:00Need Someone To Talk To? There is One Who is Always There...Friday night was a rough night. My husband was working the night shift (which goes from around 4 p.m. to about 2:30 a.m.) and I had a rough time getting the kids to bed. My oldest child, age eleven, was out with a friend (he had been invited to go with that friend for his birthday to an amusement park). My ten-year-old, who is the second oldest, had been a big help that evening. He had cleaned up the dinner dishes, helped the seven-year-old with her weekly chore of picking up the dog poop in the backyard, had changed the poopy diaper of the two-year-old and helped the four-year-old with going to the bathroom before bed all while I was attending to other children and problems. After the younger kids, ages eight and under, were in bed, I was rewarding the ten-year-old with a turn playing Minecraft on my Kindle Fire and having a bowl of ice cream when the eleven-year-old walked in.<br />
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He eagerly began to tell me about his day at the amusement park and then he saw the ice cream and asked for a bowl. Now, I had just given the last of the carton to the ten-year-old, so I explained that his brother had been such a huge help to me that night and was being rewarded for his efforts. This sent the eleven-year-old into a preteen tantrum about how unfair life is and how he never gets anything he wants (hmmm...he just spent the entire day at the amusement park and I had even checked him out of school early to go). He thundered up the stairs, grumbled as he took his shower and grumbled as he went to bed. The ten-year-old finished his treat and turn on the device and went to bed. I then went and took a bath, feeling quite disgruntled.<br />
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I sat in the tub, mulling over how things could have gone differently. This oldest child of mine is a whirlwind of emotion. I'd like to say that it's because of the preteen hormones and all that, but he's always been like this. We have never been ones to give in to whims or bombard our kids with all sorts of unnecessary but fun activities and toys (they have to earn their time on the Kindle Fire, for example, and we only have the one device, the Kindle Fire, which I got for Christmas just this last year). I don't know where this spoiled sense of entitlement comes from. I was frustrated and alone, since Husband was at work. I couldn't even call him to vent because he just doesn't have the kind of job where you can call unless it's really urgent. My mom wasn't answering her phone and it was too late to call most everyone else. I just needed to talk to someone about my frustrations with this child!<br />
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Then it hit me. I needed to pray. Heavenly Father is always available when I need someone to talk to and it was just what was needed. As I voiced my frustration and prayed for understanding and the ability to communicate and teach this child, I felt my resentment and anger towards him melt away. Not only was I able to refill my spiritual cup, which I desperately needed, but I was able to have my heart softened toward my child and I felt like I could still reach him, whereas before, I just felt a sense of utter and total failure. <br />
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I need to remember this, that my Heavenly Father is always available to listen and often, the best choice in someone to vent my frustrations to and seek an ally. I still talked to my husband when he got home from work around 3 a.m. and told him what had happened and how I handled it. I also told him about my inspiration to pray and he agreed that we should both pray more often for help with our kids. After all, Heavenly Father knows our child better than we do and sometimes just putting it all out there in His hands helps us think through how best to approach a situation. <br />
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Prayer is such a beautiful gift that we have, a way to communicate with one who truly knows and loves us. <br />
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<br />JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-9708071479656308652015-04-19T08:00:00.000-06:002015-04-19T20:27:28.935-06:00Eating a (Mostly) Balanced Diet on a Budget ConclusionI had someone point out that not all of my meals were healthy, in that 1/2 the plate was fruits and veggies. Yes, I know. It is really hard for me to add veggies to a breakfast because they seem to me to not be breakfast food. I'm really weird about what's appropriate as breakfast food. My husband can eat a tuna sandwich, complete with lettuce and pickle for breakfast, but the thought just makes my stomach curdle. Anything with egg and bread usually suffice for me. That is why I like to have juice with breakfast and often fruit. When I do oatmeal, a lot of times I will add bananas, strawberries, blueberries, or even peaches to the oatmeal. I like to sweeten the oatmeal with honey, which has good benefits even though it is used as a sweetener. For example, local raw honey can help with allergies to local pollen. <br />
<br />
I personally think it would be impossible to eat every single meal with exactly 1/2 the plate as fruits and veggies and enjoy eating. Besides that, I didn't really talk about snacks that my family eats outside of our three regular meals, and I guess I should have. I either bake up something, like muffins or soft pretzels, or they have a piece of fruit or a vegetable for a snack. Some examples include celery with peanut butter or carrots with a little Ranch dressing. Often, I will just have them eat an apple or a handful of strawberries or raspberries, which is why I buy so many apples. I always buy bananas and apples and then I buy other fruits according to what I find on sale. That includes oranges (I love winter when little clementines are easy to find--they make a great snack), grapes, watermelon, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, kiwi, pears, and grapefruit. We don't like mangos and we don't eat cantaloupe or honeydew because of my son's sensitivity. Vegetables I buy regularly include green beans, broccoli, lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, and potatoes (though in the last few decades, I guess potatoes are no longer a vegetable, but a starch? I still think they have some good qualities that make them a good food, as long as that isn't all you eat). <br />
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Also, I try to make all of the dinner meals a good balanced meal that includes a protein and always, always, sides of fruits and veggies. We do drink a lot of milk, and that is another food that is under fire for not being something we should consume. I still think milk, when consumed in small quantities, contains vitamins and benefits that are healthy. <br />
<br />
In the end, you do what works for your family. In the summers, we do more salads, like chicken salad, and lots of crock pot meals, like a chicken/potato dish my kids love. That way we aren't heating the house with the oven being on and the foods are more seasonal. We also eat more fresh fruits and vegetables. In the winter, I often resort to canned fruits/veggies, if I can't find what I like for a decent price in the produce section. <br />
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I really believe that a healthy, balanced diet is one where you eat foods you like and you try to have the right amounts on a daily basis, not concentrating on just each meal, but daily and even weekly total consumption. Also, drink a lot of water throughout the day and with the meals. <br />
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Some of the meals I have planned for this week include:<br />
beef pot roast with carrots and potatoes (I don't do onions, they hurt my stomach)<br />
beef stew made from the leftovers of the pot roast<br />
spaghetti (again)<br />
tacos (made with beef, homemade tortillas, and using veggies like tomatoes and lettuce to stuff them with)<br />
chicken quesadillas<br />
and the usual leftovers and homemade pizza.<br />
<br />
I shop the sales, I use my grocery ads, and I stock up on items when I find good deals. I hope this has been helpful. If you disagree with my food choices or think I'm making the prices up, you are free to believe that. I don't want to start a debate. Everyone has their own idea of what eating healthy consists of, especially when there is so much contradicting information out there. My mom fed us well and healthily and all of us kids grew up pretty healthy and I cook a lot like her, so I figure I'm doing all right. This has really helped me take a look at where I can do better, though, so I'm glad I did this. Thanks for reading!<br />
JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-15025502184545492322015-04-18T19:51:00.000-06:002015-04-19T20:06:26.263-06:00Eating a (Mostly) Balanced Diet on a Budget: Day Seven--Homemade Pizza<h2>
<u><i><b>Saturday</b></i></u></h2>
<br />
<h3>
<i><b>Breakfast:</b></i></h3>
Ham, Egg, and Cheese Frittata (more like an egg casserole than a true frittata)<br />
Apple juice or Orange-Pineapple-Apple juice<br />
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Note on the juice: I like to buy certain kinds of frozen concentrate juices. I tend to buy my orange juice that way because I read that concentrate orange juice has less preservatives in it than bottled orange juice, that bottled orange juice is stored in big tanks and orange flavoring and color is added to it but not to the concentrate. But, my favorite kind of concentrate is a brand called Hawaii's Own. Unfortunately, they do not sell my brand of juice here in Texas. According to the juice's website, they sell it at certain dollar stores, but I have searched all of those dollar stores in my area and the ones near me do not carry it. So I have settled on similar juice by Welch's: orange-pineapple-apple, strawberry, or passion fruit are my favorites. Sometimes I mix them to try and imitate the flavor of the Hawaii's Own. When and if I am in Utah or Arizona, I will be buying a cooler of dry ice and bringing a large amount of that back to Texas with me!<br />
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Recipe:<br />
6 eggs<br />
1 cup of milk<br />
1/4 cup butter, melted<br />
Diced ham (I use a handful, so about 1/2 cup)<br />
1/2 tsp salt<br />
1/4 tsp pepper<br />
1/2 cup shredded cheese<br />
Sometimes I add one potato, peeled and shredded.<br />
<br />
Beat eggs, milk, melted butter, salt and pepper together. Pour into greased 9X9 pan. Sprinkle ham and cheese over the egg mixture. Bake in 350 oven for 25-30 minutes until knife inserted in middle comes out clean.<br />
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<h4>
<b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Cost of breakfast:</span></i></b></h4>
$.99 diced ham ($3.98 bag of diced ham, but I only used a handful, about 1/4)<br />
$.78 eggs<br />
$.11 milk (remember, I bought my gallon of milk for $1.69)<br />
$.05 margarine (yes, I know butter is supposed to be healthier)<br />
$.40 cheese (~$3.20 4 cup bag of shredded cheese, I used 1/2 cup)<br />
<u>$1 juices (drank about 1/2 each of the two juices)</u><br />
$3.33 Total=$.42/person<br />
<br />
<h3>
<i><b>Lunch:</b></i></h3>
Hot dogs<br />
Fresh fruit/veggies<br />
water to drink<br />
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Yes, I know the stigma of hot dogs, but all beef hot dogs really aren't that bad if you only have them once in a while. If you have a steady diet of hot dogs, then I can see that would be really bad for you, but a hot dog on occasion is okay. <br />
<br />
<h4>
<i><b>Cost of Lunch:</b></i></h4>
$3 hot dogs (2 pkgs of 8)<br />
$1.50 worth of strawberries or apple slices (some of my kids don't like strawberries--I know, crazy, right?)<br />
$1.50 worth of sliced carrots or celery<br />
$.89 hot dog buns (because I bought two packages at that prices but we only ate <u>one--several of my kids eat the hot dogs without the buns)</u><br />
$6.89 Total=$.86/person<br />
<br />
<h3>
<i><b>Dinner:</b></i></h3>
Homemade pizza<br />
Fruit salad<br />
Tossed salad<br />
Chocolate milk to drink (which we really like with pizza, for some reason)<br />
<br />
You can find my pizza dough recipe by clicking on the recipes tab at the top of my blog or by clicking the hyperlinked word <a href="http://cluttermom.blogspot.com/p/recipes.html" target="_blank">recipe</a>. I make two pizzas with the dough and have some dough leftover to make a third pizza later in the week for a lunch one day.<br />
<br />
My family likes plain cheese, pepperoni and olive, ham and olive, pepperoni and mushroom. I make a mozzarella/cheddar blend of cheese with about 1 cup mozzarella to about 1/4 cup cheddar.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<i><b>Cost of dinner:</b></i></h4>
$2.50 pizza dough ingredients estimate (things I always have on hand because I make pizza dough just about once a week--I also think this is a high estimate of these ingredients)<br />
$.89 jar of sauce (lasts for 2-3 pizzas)<br />
$1.99 pkg of pepperoni (lasts for 2-3 pizzas)<br />
$3.20 4 cup shredded mozzarella (lasts for 2-3 pizzas) <br />
$.50 worth of shredded cheddar<br />
$2 olives/mushrooms/ham <br />
$1 fruit (bananas, strawberries, apple)<br />
$.85 milk<br />
$.50 chocolate syrup to make it chocolate <br />
<u>$1 tossed salad (lettuce, shredded cheddar, celery)</u><br />
$14.43 Total=$1.80/person<br />
<br />
Total for Saturday: $24.65=$3.08/person<br />
<br />
Total for the Week: $116.80=$14.60/person for the week in foodJennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-55563930510917637272015-04-17T18:56:00.000-06:002015-04-19T20:03:10.108-06:00Eating a (Mostly) Balanced Diet on a Budget: Day Six--Macaroni and Cheese <h2>
<i><b>Friday</b></i></h2>
<br />
For <i><b>Breakfast</b></i>, we had pancakes again.<br />
<br />
For <i><b>Lunch</b></i>, same as usual.<br />
<br />
I do admit that sometimes breakfast and lunch can get tedious, but only in this day and age do we somehow believe that everything has to have so much variety. I try to make sure the kids get a couple days a week with eggs, and a few without eggs and to save on cereal, I try to make something else, like the pancakes or waffles.<br />
<br />
<h3>
<i><b>Dinner:</b></i></h3>
<br />
Homemade macaroni and cheese:<br />
<br />
Boil 1 cup of macaroni noodles until tender.<br />
<br />
Ingredients:<br />
2 Tbsp butter or margarine<br />
2 Tbsp flour<br />
1/2 tsp salt<br />
1 cup milk<br />
1/2 cup to 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (or any cheese to your liking, and I usually use a handful, so I don't really know how much)<br />
1 can petite diced tomatoes<br />
<br />
While they're boiling:<br />
Melt butter in saucepan. Add flour and salt and stir. Then add milk and cook, while stirring, over medium heat until mixture thickens. Remove from heat and add half the cheese. Stir until cheese is melted.<br />
<br />
Strain the macaroni, combine with cheese sauce in a casserole dish. Add can of tomatoes. I like the tomatoes for flavor but my kids hate them. Sometimes I use an 8 oz can of tomato sauce instead.<br />
<br />
Top with remaining cheese.<br />
<br />
Bake in 350 oven for 30 minutes, until cheese melts and browns a little.<br />
<br />
You might have to double this recipe if you have a large family.<br />
<br />
I also served steamed broccoli and a fruit salad.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<i><b>Cost of dinner</b></i>:</h4>
$.50 broccoli <br />
$1 fruit salad <br />
$.50 for cup of macaroni<br />
$.60 can petite diced tomatoes<br />
$.50 other ingredients<br />
<u>$.50 cheese</u><br />
$3.60 Total (or $5 ish dollars to double it)=$.45/person<br />
<br />
<h4>
<i><b>Total cost of food for the day:</b></i></h4>
$2.17 breakfast<br />
$8 lunch<br />
<u>$3.60 Dinner</u><br />
$13.77 Total=$1.72/personJennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075354260507238406.post-7844416387641027262015-04-16T16:09:00.001-06:002015-04-19T20:02:46.332-06:00Eating a (Mostly) Balanced Diet on a Budget--Day Five: Surprise Dinners (Leftovers)Okay, I know, not the most exciting meal. However, I have found that most weeks, we have enough left from each meal that I can get one or two portions from each leftover. My mom used to make surprise dinners when I was growing up. I don't remember either loving or hating it, but I do remember her doing it once in a while. I tried it with my own kids and they think it's fun. I don't do it every week, and many times we have leftovers, I just reheat all the choices and put them on the table and let them pick what they want. Sometimes they take more than one entree. It makes me happy because it cleans out the fridge and saves me money and they like it.<br />
<br />
I often plan for leftovers, but I always have a backup, just in case there aren't enough. The backup is almost always something easy with ingredients I always have. That would be my homemade macaroni and cheese.<br />
<br />
<h2>
<u><i><b>Thursday</b></i></u></h2>
<br />
<h3>
<b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Breakfast:</span></i></b></h3>
We have pancakes or waffles several times a week. I don't know that they are particularly healthy, as in containing tons of vitamins and minerals, but they are filling and they are easy to make. I use the same recipe for my pancakes and waffles, I just vary up how they're cooked. It's interesting because some of the kids like one or the other better. You can also offer a variety of toppings. Right now, my kids tend to just eat them plain. I think it's a little weird, but it is what it is. My mom would offer things like different types of jam, yogurt, and different types of syrups. Note: She still does when we visit and we have waffles or pancakes. Yum yum!<br />
<br />
<h4>
<i><b>Recipe:</b></i></h4>
2 cups flour<br />
4 Tbsp sugar<br />
4 tsp baking powder<br />
1 tsp salt<br />
Mix together with a fork. Then add to the dry ingredients:<br />
2 cups milk<br />
1/2 cup oil<br />
2 eggs<br />
Beat all together until well blended and smooth.<br />
<br />
Then you can cook them up stove top, on a griddle or with a waffle iron, however.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<i><b>Cost:</b></i></h4>
$.27 flour (based on what I buy a 5 lb sack for and how much I use from it)<br />
$.20 sugar (same as above)<br />
$.10 baking powder<br />
$.02 salt<br />
$.21 milk<br />
$.12 oil<br />
<u>$.25 eggs</u><br />
$1.17 total<br />
<br />
We also had juice, more from the same bottle of apple juice and I cracked open a new can of concentrate that cost $1.<br />
<u>$1 juice</u><br />
$2.17 Total=$.31/person<br />
<br />
Husband did not eat breakfast but later stopped in for donuts. What can I say? You can only do so much...<br />
<br />
<h3>
<i><b>Lunch:</b></i></h3>
Same sandwich lunch as Monday.<br />
$1/person (8 people)<br />
I know it can get boring to have the same thing for lunch every day, but sometimes it's just easier than coming up with something new. <br />
<br />
<h3>
<i><b>Dinner:</b></i></h3>
Leftovers.<br />
<br />
I do the soup stove top and then I wrap the other leftovers in foil and warm in a 400-degree oven for about 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Cost already figured in with the rest of the week. <br />
<br />
Total cost for Thursday:<br />
$10.17 or $1.27/person<br />
<br />
<br />JennaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com1