Well, that's about all there is to it, I must have been cursed. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, my children have just decided that the day starts at 5 am. I've tried rewarding them for staying in bed until 6, punishing them if they don't stay in bed until 6. They even have a digital clock in their room so they can see the 6 and aren't supposed to get out of bed until that first number is a 6. We are going to putting up blackout curtains sometime soon, we have them. But, they aren't working for my daughter in the next room, who still wakes up at 5 am. So I doubt they'll do much good in the boys' room either. If I want to shower or anything without them running through the house playing and screaming (and waking up Daddy who needs to sleep late since he gets in so late--the hardest part is keeping them quiet enough to not disturb him), then I have to be up before them, and 4:30 is just too early. My children get regular naps and have always been on a pretty tight sleep schedule, but no matter what sleep training is suggested for their wake-up time, nothing works. And for some reason, they wake up all bright and eager and energetic to start the day, and I can't figure out what the heck they're so darn excited about!
My children are not bad sleepers, when I've asked online groups for advice on this or mentioned it to friends, they always assume that I'm doing something wrong for my children to be doing this. But I have spent HOURS reading sleep books and sleep advice articles, and so much energy trying things to teach them to stay in their beds. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I didn't have to be so careful about not waking my husband, but he doesn't get in most nights until 3 am now. He says he doesn't mind, but I want him to get some sleep.
If I'd realized that I would be up before 5 am for the next 20 years, I probably wouldn't have ever done it. And the thing is that I'm really more a morning person, I'd rather get up early than stay up late, but there are early hours that are just too early, even for a morning person. Collectively, over time, if you continually have such early hours, it begins to take its toll and now I'm grouchy as a grizzly bear when I get up. I'd give anything for the days when I got up on my own accord, now I only get up because my built-in alarm clocks are awake. Since my husband can't get up because of his job, I have no choice but to get up with the little boogers.
I'm member of an online group for LDS women, and on that group, there was a link to an article posted about motherhood, mostly about the lack of a good night's sleep in motherhood. I read the link and laughed because my children wake up sometimes at night, and I finally didn't feel alone. I walk around in a blur day in and day out because I get up almost always at least once a night. If it's not for my children, it's because my husband climbs into bed around 3 am at least three times a week because of his job, and that also wakes me up.
I posted a comment about this article. I said that I felt better because I felt like someone could relate to me. I mentioned how the last time I complained about my lack of sleep to a certain friend, she simply said, "my kids always sleep all night long" and when she said that it seemed so "my kids are better than yours"-ish. Anyway, I wrote that and was immediately blasted by about four women saying their children ALWAYS sleep all night, every night (even young ages, under five), barring illnesses.
Not one of your children has ever suffered a nightmare? A night terror? An early-morning trip to the toilet (for the potty training child)? The need for a drink a couple hours after they've gone to bed (which technically doesn't interrupt my sleeping hours, but it is them out of bed once during their night)? Wet the bed? Not ONCE?
I really don't buy that. Even the best sleep-trained children have an occasional nightmare. Every night, ten to twelve hours, never waking from a non-sick reason, NOT ONCE!!!! Unbelievable.
Actually, it's probably more that these parents are heavy sleepers and I'm just not, so when my children get up just to use the toilet, I wake up because I hear them or the light on in the hallway wakes me up. I do want my children to know I'm available to them, even at night, if they need me.
So I guess it boils down to this--are you willing to deal with your children needing you at night, or do you prefer to let them handle their nighttime crises on their own so you can get a good night's rest?
In this day and age, it seems harder for a mom to stay home and raise her kids. Raising one is hard enough on the pocketbook, but four is even harder. It has only been with a little help from above that I've been able to continue to stay home and raise our children. It is definitely a blessing of tithing and a desire to be obedient.
It seems that the ability to stay home and raise children is possible only through sacrifice. I definitely believe that. My husband mentioned in one of his classes that his wife stays home and how important we both feel it is that I am home with the kids. His instructor asked if we made any sacrifices, specifically, if I had made sacrifices. My husband said yes, that we have given up quite a few things. That using generic brands instead of name brands really doesn't make much of a difference. We don't vacation in the tropics, we try not to go out and eat more than a few times a month, and all of these are considered sacrifices in these modern times.
But I think that the instructor was really asking if there are any personal sacrifices that I make, being the wife who stays home. I don't think my husband realizes some of the things I've given up to do this. In a way, though, it doesn't necessarily feel like a sacrifice because this, being a stay-at-home mom, was always my ideal future life when I was growing up. In the world's eyes, yes, I have given up a career (teaching school) that I would have been quite successful at. I probably would have already earned a master's degree by now, maybe traveled the world some, and certainly, I would be more involved with expanding my own talents and mind if I weren't so busy taking care of my little children and holding down the fort, so to speak. But I think that being a mom is so big a part of who I am that all that doesn't matter all that much. Yes, I need to have other interests, and I do, but it's okay to put them aside a little bit to focus on being the best mom I can be. In fact, some of my talents are quite useful to being a mom--like cooking and keeping the house clean (yes, I'm talented in being organized, boring gift, but it's true!).
There have been a few schools of thought that I've come into contact with. Some women I know comment about the importance they feel in "contributing" to their household by providing help with the finances. I definitely feel like I "contribute." Who else could do what I'm doing for my kids?
For me, honestly, it's a little hard to not want to "keep up with the Joneses", but when I really examine it with an eternal perspective, I realize that it really isn't important at all. What's more important is sharing what we do have, our time, talents, and means, with others who are in need. We have been blessed with a home that fits our needs. We now have cars that can get ALL of us from place to place. Our kids seem to be happy and well adjusted.
The point I'm trying to make is that none of this is our doing. I feel that "God is at the helm". I'm grateful to have what I do at this point in my life. I feel very blessed to be able to continue to stay at home with my children. I feel it is so important for me to be here. In fact, we had a recent conversation, my husband and I, about the possibility of him finding some sort of second job to help with finances if the need arises. So far, we've been very blessed and haven't needed that. I am grateful, too, that I married a man who feels the same as I do, and understands the importance of mother being at home.
Or so the saying goes. Not sure who said that, my mind wants me to think it was President Benson, but I'm not about to go digging in my monstrous file full of that sort of thing to try and find it.
Recently, a friend posted something about her feelings on sex education on her blog. She referred to another blog post about object lessons in Young Women's to try and teach the law of chastity. I went ahead and clicked on her link and read the post and the subsequent comments on it.
There was one thing that really bothered me. Some of the people commenting talked about how the object lessons never really included the doctrine of repentance. The visuals they gave were very strong on how sin can cause you to become unworthy, but there was nothing taught, or no object lessons given, to be more accurate, on repentance. The thing that really bothered me is that some of these women seemed to blame the well-intentioned Young Women's leaders for their problems.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but ideally, we teach youth not to sin, to stay away from sin, and to not look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, right? Because the goal is to not sin in the first place. As the title says, it is better to prepare and prevent than to repair and repent.
I have been in many Relief Society lessons where sisters start inputting that the Young Women's program is so faulty as to lead to failed marriages and other problems they have as adults. Why don't they just come right out and blame the Church for teaching false doctrines or for not telling them the whole story? Like they say that in Young Women's, they only teach about getting to marriage, but say nothing of life after that temple sealing, and how hard it can be. Why should they? By the time the young women most likely are married, they are not in Young Women's anymore, and they need to learn about marriage from other sources. I learned a lot about marriage and all the good and bad from my LDS Marriage and Families class at BYU. True, it was before I got married, before marriage was even on my radar, but taking a class like that was quite valuable. Hand in hand with the many, many lessons on chastity (is it any wonder that they've now added "virtue" as a value?), that class and my experience in Young Women's served to only strengthen my testimony of the law of chastity.
Having also served in Young Women's, it makes me sad when women seem to blame some of their life's trials on a former young women's leader who only had the best intentions at heart. She wanted to teach the law of chastity, and in the law of chastity, there is no sex before or outside of marriage, period. It is the doctrine of repentance that allows for mistakes to be made and rectified, which probably wasn't part of the lesson.
I just really don't like it when the Young Women's program is denigrated by people who made bad life choices. It really bothers me because the program is not bad. If the teachings are followed, life will be easier for the girl following those teachings.
Sometimes I feel like my life is so full and busy and then at the end of the day I can't even figure out what I did. Or when my husband calls from work or school and asks what I'm doing, usually it's not worth explaining to him what exactly it is that I'm doing...I'm looking for my daughter's missing shoe, or I'm trying to restack the Tupperware she pulled out of the cabinet, or I'm helping my 2-year-old in the bathroom, or I'm trying to calm a crying 4-year-old who didn't get the pencil he wanted, or sometimes I'm just lying there on the couch trying to figure out what comes next.
Then there are the point of my day that are so jam-packed that I just can't seem to keep it all together. When I'm making dinner for both my family and a family in need. I don't have enough of what I was making for us, so I have to make something else for them, and I'm doing both at the same time.
Yet it all seems so meaningless. Sometimes I do things just to keep myself busy. Do the pictures that haven't been put in an album yet really need to be re-organized? Probably not. Do I really need to go through the swimsuits and toss the worn out ones right now since we most likely won't be going swimming anytime soon? Not really. Is it really necessary to re-organize the extra room closet--was it really so bad before?
Then I have all the projects I want to do and probably need to do that I just can't seem to get motivated to do. Like repainting the kitchen. At first I didn't mind the pink, but the longer I'm in it, the more I feel like I'm living inside a bottle of Pepto-Bismal. So we bought some cranberry to re-paint. I know that once I get started, the job will be done in a matter of days and, knowing me and my love for monotonous yet detailed work, I will probably really enjoy the actual work. However, I can't seem to get motivated enough to open that can of paint, cover everything with plastic, and get going on it. I'd rather lay on the couch and watch re-runs of "Home Improvement" while the children nap.
Does anybody else ever feel like their day is so full but they accomplish nothing?
I really get irritated when I have to walk through a smoke-filled radius to get to my destination. Even people who smoke outside don't seem to realize that their bad habit affects me and my children. I can't tell you how many times we have to plow through secondhand smoke while I walk the kids to school and back every day. Or when we go to the grocery store and there are people smoking out front of both entrances. It's not like we can enter the store another way. Their right to smoke infringes on my right (and my children's rights) not to inhale the stuff. It's very bothersome, yet nothing can really be done about it that's not already been done--no smoking is allowed in public places and when people smoke outside it has to be outside of a certain distance from the entrance/exit doors. Yet still the smoke reaches my lungs and the lungs of my children. Very irritating!
I just found out that my brother and his wife will be moving across the country for him to go to law school. They will make their move shortly after having their first child, at which point, I believe, she is planning on staying home with the baby. At any rate, while I'm excited for them and the awesome experiences they will have, a twinge of jealousy streaked through me at the same moment.
At first, I thought it was because I never got to experience something like that, moving far away from family while my husband goes to school and I start the experience of raising our family. But then I remembered that we did move far away from family so he could try to go to school (for his undergrad) and things didn't work out quite how we expected them to. Then I thought it's probably because they are moving to a place I've never been and possibly will never go. No, that can't be it. But my third thought revealed the truth behind the feeling. I felt that way for a second because that is one point in my life I wish we could do over.
We moved far away from family and friends. When we first moved, the only thing we knew was that he was going to finish school, for we had an acceptance letter to start winter semester (January) there. Unfortunately, being a teacher by profession, we decided to move during the summer so I could try and find a teaching job there. At first, we had nowhere to live and no jobs. We had a little money in savings, enough to put a deposit on a place, but that was all. Oh, and we had a dog, not the most convenient family member for finding a rental place.
But we found a place. The landlady was a cute elderly lady who allowed us to have our dog because "people love their pets" and was kind enough to let us sign rental papers even though we had no current proof of income. She said we looked like nice, hardworking people who were willing to do whatever it would take to pay the rent, so she trusted that we would. So we went back home, packed up our stuff, and moved.
The week after the move, we set out to look for jobs. My problem was that I was a teacher. My resume listed my teaching experience. There weren't really any teaching jobs to be found, so I settled for looking for secretarial work. Always the question was asked, "If you find a teaching job, will you leave to do that?" I couldn't lie. They wouldn't hire me. I finally found a job in retail. My husband found a job at another retail location in the same mall. We were both on the constant search for better jobs, jobs with benefits. I worked there for about six weeks before a teaching job opportunity presented itself.
I started teaching in the fall. The second month of school, I found out I was expecting a baby. My husband didn't have a job with benefits. At that time, he was working in the warehouse of the retail store and also as a teacher's aide at the school I worked at. I had benefits through my job, but they were barely affordable just for me. We couldn't afford to add my husband to the coverage, so we didn't.
Then it came time for him to register for his classes. He couldn't get into any of the ones he needed. He already had an associates' degree and we didn't want him to waste time loafing around, taking general courses he didn't need just to pass the time until he could get into the classes he needed. He talked with a counselor in his major. They couldn't do anything for him. He would have to try and crash the classes. There was no guarantee he would get the ones he needed. With a baby on the way and no way to pay for the expenses, since I was planning on quitting my job when our child was born, he didn't want to wait. He stopped registering and withdrew.
We stayed until the end of the school year and our rental contract. Our baby came early. He was due just after the school year was over, but came five weeks before his due date. I had to use sick bank days to get paid those last few weeks.
I tell you this story to illustrate my sense of loss. We gained a bit. I got some good experience teaching in a situation I may never have had. We got to enjoy one whole year far away from family and learn to rely on each other early in our marriage. But we didn't accomplish our main goal, which was for him to graduate with a teaching degree. If we had, he would have been teaching for almost 5 years now. How different our lives would be at this point!
Instead, we left. My husband went back to his old job. He will finally finish his undergraduate degree this spring, in about 5 weeks, but not in teaching. He will keep working at his current job. I'm disappointed that he won't be a teacher; he would be a great high school history teacher and coach on the side, which was the original plan.
I realize plans change. Life changes them sometimes. But that was such a good plan. I still struggle with how it changed, which is why I regret the decisions we made back then. That's why when I hear of the news of my brother I am happy for them, but I look back with regret. I guess it's not jealousy, but I wish I could have a do-over. I would have encouraged my husband to stay, to see his schooling through up there. I know he would have had a MUCH better school experience there than he has had these past two years. I know we would have figured out jobs and money and health insurance and it would have worked out. But if I had any time period in my life to do over, that would be the one.
Do you have any time in your life that you would do over, given the chance? Or am I the only one with regrets?
