Saturday, May 1, 2021

Lost Friend

I lost a friend this week to suicide.  My heart has been breaking since I heard the  news, literal, physical pain.  She was not a close friend, but still a friend.  I looked back through my phone at the last text messages we exchanged.  I had bumped into her while running errands and didn't recognize her at first.  I hadn't seen her in months because of covid-19 and with our masks on, it took me a minute to figure out it was really her.  This was in September what she wrote back to me apologizing for not recognizing her right away:

"It takes me a minute sometimes but it's nice to see people I know.  I don't get to see very many people because we do online school and we don't go to church.  I hope you are doing well too and staying healthy."

You know what?   I didn't respond.  Like I said, she wasn't a close friend.  But I should have responded.  I should have called her.  I should have sent her a card in the mail or dropped off some treats at her doorstep.  I should have done something. I looked back over the last seven months from that text and realize that I did nothing to reciprocate a friendship to her.  Now, I know it's not my fault that she ended her life, but I also know that she was probably reaching out, desperate.  In talking to a couple mutual friends, I've learned that she was really having a hard time with the isolation.  And I know that Texas hasn't been that isolated for as long, but her family took it very seriously and didn't come to church and did online school.  I'm not sure this woman ventured out much.  When our ward returned to church, her husband went because he was in the bishopric.  Sometimes her older children came with him (two teenage girls).  But she hadn't been.  

As I reflected on the fact that I haven't seen her at all in person since I ran into her at the UPS store, I realized that perhaps more people reaching out to her would have made a difference.  I do not know what else she may have been struggling with.  From outside appearances, her life was pretty awesome.  She had a beautiful family (two daughters, ages 16 and 14, two sons, ages 12 and 6).  She traveled a lot and it was pretty obvious that her husband absolutely doted on her and cherished her.  I know she had a hard life growing up in Russia.  

And even while I'm typing these words, my heart is filled with love for her, but also such terrible sorrow.  I don't think I've ever known such sorrow.  The only comparable event in my life that knocked the breath out of me and made my heart pound like this was when I got news that my brother had been killed in a car accident.  I remember feeling so desperate that it was a mistake, that it wasn't really him.  When I found out about my friend, my first reaction was disbelief, that maybe she had only tried to end her life but would actually be okay.  

Unfortunately, she really is gone.  I just can't believe it.  I keep crying about it.  About the loss for her sweet children and doting husband.  About the things I never said but should have.  About the world not having her in it--she was so bright and beautiful and full of life.  I just can't wrap my head (or heart) around this new world.  How do people move on from suicide of a friend or loved one?  How is it even possible?

And with these thoughts come my own thoughts I've dealt with about suicide.  I guess that's why this hits so close to home.  I have struggled on and off with suicidal thoughts.  I understand the deep, dark abyss of pain, and often not even understanding why the pain is there, only that it is.  The darkness that surrounds you relentlessly.  The feelings of anguish and deep sadness that cannot be explained.  I always think, if only this worked out, or that worked out, I would feel better.  But then those things do work out and I don't feel better.  The feelings of loneliness and failure, and not even of failure of something specific, just failing at life in general.  Wanting to feel happy but not knowing quite how to make that happen.  Always feeling like something is weighing you down.  These are feelings I understand, and I understand the desperation of wanting to stop feeling that way and thinking that the only way to end the pain is to end the life.  

The things that have kept me from going down that path too far have been remembering the faces of my children and imagining their faces if they found me gone.  Picturing the face of my husband trying to shoulder the heartache of it and pretending to be okay, because that's what he'd do.  Imagining my parents, siblings, and friends (who sometimes I'm not sure how much of a friend they really are, but knowing they would be sad) and thinking of how they'd feel.  My leaving would only hurt them and I don't want to hurt anyone.  So I stay.  Sometimes, I stay despite all the very real, raw sadness I feel.  It's basically a state of never-ending hopelessness and anxiety.  I don't know how to be happy.  But I still try to hang in there.  I have some good days where everything seems like it will be okay, and I try to cling to those.  

This pandemic has made it really hard.  I don't know if it was the pandemic that did it for my friend or if her troubles were deeper and ongoing; I really do not know.  But I imagine, when I re-read that last text, that she was feeling very much alone and isolated.  People need people.  It really is that simple.  And text messages, phone calls, Marco Polos, Zoom meetings, and other messages just aren't the same thing as face-to-face with hugs and handshakes and laughter and togetherness.  It just isn't.  It can be helpful, especially when you are far away from those people, but it doesn't replace in person.  It never can.  So much is lost when we can't see each other in person face-to-face in the same room.  

My friend was amazing, beautiful, talented.  She had so much life left.  I'm so very sad because the world lost a beautiful person.  There is much written about how to deal with suicidal thoughts and tendencies and how to cope with them and how to choose to stay.  But there isn't a lot written on how to cope with the loss of someone who chose to leave.  How to pick up the broken pieces.  How to find hope in the Savior through something like this.  I don't know how to do this.  It's just very sad.

Sunday, December 27, 2020

Things I've Learned From our bout with COVID19

Well, we got hit with COVID19 the week before Christmas and here are some things that I've learned after having had the big bad virus.

1-People care WAY more about whether or not you could potentially spread it than they care about how you're doing with the virus.  One family member every time we communicated with her would say "I hope you're being careful because people can die from this" and not once did she ask if we were feeling okay.  Fortunately for us, we were.  But I thought that was rather rude.  

2-Once people know you've been infected, they really do treat you like you are a leper.  Family members have continually told me they hope we're staying in our quarantine and not infecting others, despite the fact that it's already been the entire length of time the quarantine should be as stipulated by the CDC.  My husband is already back at work.  He has had no symptoms other than the initial symptom of "no taste or smell" that prompted him to get a test in the first place.

3-The test is not trustworthy.  I'm convinced there are a lot of false positives out there based on the test.  His test came back as "detected", not positive or negative, which I thought weird.  It also states below the results: "Detection of viral RNA may not indicate the presence of infectious virus or that 2019-nCoV is the causative agent for clinical symptoms.  The performance of this test has not been established for monitoring treatment of 2019-nCoV infection.  This test cannot rule out diseases caused by other bacterial or viral pathogens."  Basically, that's saying that while viral RNA was detected, it doesn't mean that he actually has COVID19.  The other interesting factor was the his antibody test for Covid19 came back negative.  It's possible that he didn't actually have it.  

4-Doctors don't seem to care about treatment during the illness.  They didn't give any advice on how to treat it.  They didn't give any paperwork or anything.  Only whether the viral RNA was detected or not.  When I took my 7-year-old in on November 28th because I suspected she might have strep again (based on the white patches that were all over her tonsils) and her strep test came back negative, the doctor at the Urgent care gave me a four page packet explaining all the other potential causes of her symptoms and how to treat them.  When her test on December 17th came back positive for COVID (which we didn't find out until the next day even though WE PAID EXTRA for a rapid test!), we were told nothing.  No tips on treating any symptoms or anything. I've been treating it like croup.  She's been up at night having trouble breathing, like with croup, so I've put her in the hot, steamy shower twice and had her sleep in our room after that.  It seems to be working, which makes me question the validity of the test and the cause of her symptoms (sore throat, nasal congestion, croupy cough at night, temperature on the first day which prompted the visit and test, only because just an hour before her dad's test had come back positive).  Based on what was printed below my husband's results and how steam has helped her breathing (and I haven't read anywhere of treating covid similarly to croup), I'm not sure she even really had covid19.  Also, nobody ever called to follow up with my husband to see how he was doing or feeling.

5-My husband will still have to quarantine in the future for exposure at work and my kids will still have to quarantine at school.  I'm fairly certain we all had this bug, as several of us lost taste and/or smell and we all have had coughs, body aches, low fevers and sore throats on and off throughout the ensuing week after my husband and daughter's tests came back positive.  If we've had it and therefore have antibodies, why do we need to quarantine when exposed to others who have it?  Aren't we at a much lower risk of re-infection?  Isn't that why there's a vaccine?

6-We fared well, as I knew we would if we ever got it, simply based on statistics--most people have mild cold symptoms and come through it just fine.  It's the ones who don't who are making the news.  The vast majority do just fine, and we did.  I had body aches on day 6 and when I woke up without the aches the next morning, it was nice.  I had head congestion all week and lost my sense of smell.  I could still taste though, which was weird.  My smell came back on day 12.  From the time I started not feeling well, which was actually two days before my husband, until I felt 100% again was 10 days (other than the smell).  As soon as my asthmatic son started with a cough, I loaded him up on zinc and vitamin C and he has been fine since (that was four days ago).  I also made him start using his emergency inhaler every four hours.  All of this makes me wonder about the treatments they have not been recommending (like using your inhaled steroids if you have them, and a steamy shower/humidifier--daughter has had a humidifier in her room since her day 7).  

7-I'm fairly certain it has passed through us all and done what it's going to do to us and we should be find to come out of our quarantine.  But people are still nervous and don't want us around.  

8-the hype surrounding this has been much worse than the disease itself.  Yes, I know some people have it bad and even do not survive.  But the fear over that small percentage is so great that even I started having anxiety over my children and husband having it and dying.  A family member told me that "it's always day ten that's the worst" yet that's the day the CDC says you can resume normal activity if your symptoms are gone.  So I spent the first week expecting to wake up to my husband not breathing at all on day 10.  That fear was completely unfounded as the statistics simply do not support it.  I lost so much sleep over it this week worrying about all of my kids and husband's breathing every night.  My husband even used his CPAP throughout the whole ordeal and didn't have any breathing problems at all.  

I know that people do not fare well with this disease, but I question if it's actually the same disease.  I wonder if there are different strands and why can't they test for that?  Does one strand turn into another? Like if we had such a mild bout with it but had passed it to someone else, would they have to the serious strand?  How does that work?  I feel like there are unanswered questions that nobody seems to be trying to answer.

Also, this has given me a completely hopeless outlook for the coming months and years.  The vaccine rolled out while we were in our quarantine and we are being told by the media outlets that we will still have to physically distance from each other, wear masks, and keep events canceled.  Then why the vaccine?  If it doesn't work well enough to bring back some normalcy, why have it?  And if that's the case and 2021 turns into more of the same--few sports, games being canceled left and right, no youth dances, no youth activities, no regular church classes, quarantine at the drop of a hat over and over again...what's the point of living this way?

Thursday, November 12, 2020

The Anxiety Game

I wish I could make my anxiety go away.  It is with me constantly.  The thing is, when I have read about anxiety in general, it is usually based in some fear--fear of social situations, fear of having a traumatic event happen to you, that sort of fear.  My anxiety is from not knowing.  My anxiety is from fears on how life will go.

I have anxiety about my oldest getting up in the morning.  He doesn't get up to his alarm.  It will ring, sometimes for an hour or more.  Sometimes he'll get up and snooze it so it will keep ringing.  But then he never gets up.  I don't know if that's a conscious choice or if he's not really awake when he does it.  Sometimes he'll get up and turn it off instead of snoozing it.  Then he claims he didn't know he did that.  I usually end up pounding on his door to get him up.  Every night I wake up around 2 am and can't get back to sleep because I know he will not get up to his alarm.  I hope he will.  But he doesn't.  Every. single. morning.  So the second oldest who relies on him for a ride to his early morning seminary class will wake me up to take him.  I'll pound on the oldest's door on my way down to put on my shoes and grab my purse to take the other one.  He will get up and go to the class also but we usually pass each other, me coming home from dropping off his brother while he's heading over to the church.  Why do I have anxiety over this?  It's not my problem really.  I mean, I will take the other one to the class and that is a given.  I'm usually already awake at 5:30 anyway.  But my anxiety comes from the worry that when my oldest is on his own (assuming he actually gets to that point) that he won't get up for a college class or his job.  He'll then fail the class or get fired from a job.  Maybe that's the only way for him to learn to get up.  But I kind of wish he had already learned that lesson at home.  When he lived with my brother's family for the summer, to my knowledge they did not wake him up for work and he got up on his own.  How?  I don't know.

I have anxiety over finances.  We have tried for years unsuccessfully to get fully out of debt.  The biggest culprit is the fact that we own subpar cars and homes that are always in need of repairs and we don't make enough money to keep up with the work that needs to be done, so inevitably, something big comes up that we can't pay for (despite having some money in savings and trying to be prepared for these things--we really do try) and we end up having to use a credit card to pay for the bill.  Like when our hot water heaters went out three years ago.  Yes, two of them at once.  The way the house is built, it requires two.  They both went out.  We needed to replace them.  That was covered under the warranty.  But the way they were piped in was not up to code and had to be redone.  That's what hit us hard.  Several thousand dollars we did not have.  So we had to charge it.  Then, we hit covid19 shutdowns and I stopped teaching piano lessons and doing preschool.  I missed out on two months of pay for April and May for both.  That was about $1900 for those months.  Then I didn't have piano lessons in June or August either, which I usually do, and that was another $1900.  So we were $3800 dollars.  Then my husband's store became less busy and despite his company helping by supplementing a little, it hasn't been enough and he has made $500-$1000 less per month for eight months.  So we have been down for the year $7800-$11800.  Monthly it's been killing us.  My anxiety stems from not being able to pay a necessary bill and then having that utility shut off or being foreclosed on and then being essentially homeless.  I'm told we'll never be homeless because we have people who will help us out.  But I worry that we will actually be in that situation, which is a terrifying prospect.  I was only able to resume my piano lessons with five of my fifteen students.  So that's one-third of what I was making before.  And I resumed my preschool but neither student is paying...instead we are doing exchanges.  Which is fine because they are providing services we want, but it doesn't help us out financially at all.  With the new president-elect and his promise to cut the oil industry and raise taxes, I know that prices will rapidly increase and just affording basic groceries and gas will become difficult, much less our other bills when he shuts us down for 4-6 weeks and nobody can work at all unless they are able to work virtually, which my husband cannot.  His company could fold and then where will we be?  I'm telling you, the financial instability right now is terrifying.  So far for the past eight months, we haven't had to use the credit card and have been pulling from savings, but we have quickly depleted it and have about one-fourth of what we had in there at the beginning of March.

I have anxiety over church-related issues.  I have anxiety over my calling.  I'm the music person and have been asked to prepare a musical Sacrament meeting for Christmas but with NO SINGING.  This is proving to be tricky when a lot of the instrumental musicians are not planning on being there that Sunday AND many are still doing church virtually and wouldn't be coming in anyway.  My ward choir director has moved away and there is nobody that can do her job.  Nobody else knows how to lead a choir.  I'm certain they will persuade me to do it, if we ever even have the chance to sing again (seems very unlikely that will happen anytime in the coming year).  I'm not excited about church for other reasons too.  So much of it is virtual and it seems fake to me.  Also, the new youth program is a huge failure for my family.  Or I guess I should say that my family is failing at it.  There is no accountability; there is no motivation; and with all things virtual, there is no support.

I have anxiety over how the world is today.  Yes, all things I can't control and I know that.  I know it's a stupid thing to have anxiety over.  My kids are addicted to their devices.  That is the biggest reason they are failures in the youth program.  They don't have time to work on improving themselves because they are too busy chatting with their friends online and playing games online and watching Youtube videos (hopefully appropriate ones).  That's another thing. I don't really know how, and neither does my husband, to monitor our kids' use of electronics and the virtual world.  We tried an Internet filter but that doesn't work on data used for cell phones, so any content the filter would remove they could still view on their phones (the ones that have phones).  It's to the point where I've taken away devices from all of the kids who are under 12.  I have a pile of tablets in my dresser.  I think there are five or six of them.  And I have no intention of ever returning them to the kids.  

I have anxiety over covid19.  Not getting the illness, no.  That I don't worry about.  We are following all protocols (despite not liking it and complaining about it).  I think we'll get it eventually.  I also think we'll most likely live through it.  I'm more worried about how much this will remove from our lives by way of activities and events.  We have an In-N-Out event on Monday and I found out that people who are quarantined for exposure, not those who are actually sick, can't go, even though it's outside with masks and there isn't going to be a lot of interaction between people because it's an amusement park where people do their own thing.  Everything is taken away for two weeks due to these foolish quarantines.  Yes, quarantine those actually sick.  But quit quarantining everyone else, for crying out loud!  It's really giving me anxiety.  In fact, I will probably get sick because my immune system is compromised due to my lack of sleep and general state of constant depression that I am in.

I have anxiety over food storage.  I do not know how to do build it up successfully.  We have tried and have something but when push comes to shove, I'm not sure I really know how to use what I have.  I have anxiety about family history.  We're still supposed to be doing it but I don't even know how to do it and especially with it being so technology based.   I didn't used to be tech-inept, not in my younger days, but sometime during my time as a stay-at-home mom, the technology surpassed my ability to keep up with it and now it just stresses me out.

I  have anxiety over my husband's health.  Not really covid related but he does have a weight problem and the lack of desire to be healthy.  He did great earlier this year losing weight.  Then he had surgery and was out of commission for exercising for about a month and since then he hasn't been very good about getting into a routine with it again.  He'll go 1-2 days then take a week break, then try again.  For a while before the surgery, he was watching what he ate--he cut out soda and cut way back on the sweets and junky snacks but now he's back at it right how he was before.  He lost 40+ pounds and gained 10+ back.  And then there's me.  I want to lose 10-15 pounds but I can't get into a good exercising routine.  I hate going to the gym but I can't figure out a good way to fit it in otherwise.  

Life is anxiety-inducing to me and I live in a constant state of near-panic.  It's not a good way to live.  I don't sleep well and I don't eat well and I'm always worried about something.  I often wonder if people really live without these worries.  I don't know how to not worry about these things. 

Sunday, August 30, 2020

At What Point

At what point do things let up? What are the numbers they are shooting for? If a vaccine happens, are they going to force people to have it?

Example: at church we can't sing, we can't even have hymnals in the pews.  At what point will they say,  it's okay to have hymnbooks now. It's okay for the priests to bless the sacrament without showing the congregation they are putting hand sanitizer on their hands.  It's okay to not wear a mask. It's okay to not separate everyone by several pews.  It's okay to have Sunday school and primary and other classes.  

I've been saying this from the start. At what point will any of that be okay?  It's not like this  illness will just disappear. Although, I suppose we could hope and pray for that and maybe it would eventually.  But that's not likely to be the case.  We will eventually have to find a way to live life with this illness (as we have with the thousands of other illnesses that infect us regularly). 

When can we go to a high school football game without limiting how many people per family can attend?  When will we be able to have in-person music lessons?  When will we be able to have a church youth activity without requiring masks and "social distancing"?  I hate that term.  It's not even really a thing.  I don't believe there is any scientific evidence to back up whether "social distancing" (staying six feet or more apart from other people) even mitigates the spread of this virus.  I'm not sure it does.  

I think the longer we draw this out, the longer we require these draconian measures (masking, "social distancing", oversanitizing everything), the longer this whole thing will last.  I feel like death isn't something we, as human beings, have a lot of control over stopping.  We only think we do.  And safety?  There isn't anything in this world or life that can be 100% safe?  All the crazy sanitizing we're doing?  That's not 100% safe either.  In fact, that can cause superbugs that are resistant to antibiotics and other drugs and even the things we use to clean with.  It's not safe to constantly be using hand sanitizer and clorox bleach everywhere and all the time!  

I wish I could eloquently formulate how this all makes me feel.  Every time I get an email from our bishop saying "Come back to church! But you are only welcome every other week with these ten other families and remember to not talk to anyone while you're here and social distance and use hand sanitizer and don't sing!" makes me want to vomit and I feel a lurch in my stomach.  

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!  STOP CALLING IT THE "NEW NORMAL!"  That indicates that this is how things will be from here on out FOREVER.  If this is temporary (how many times have I heard "this is the new normal, but it's only temporary!"?), STOP CALLING IT NORMAL!  It's not normal to not be allowed to socialize with regular hugging and touching and smiling and making of other faces, etc.  It's not normal to have to sanitize your hands every time you go into a classroom and then leave that classroom.

I truly, truly do not believe that all of these measures are really making a difference.  I think they are lal more for show--so people who are afraid can feel like something is being done to keep them safe.  I'm tired of these words and phrases:  "new normal", "social distancing", "safety", "let's stay safe", "let's keep everyone safe".  

I don't understand why, if you are a person who is afraid of getting sick and possibly dying, why you can't just stay home?  Why can't you carry your hand sanitizer and wear your mask?  Why can't you keep six feet, etc. from other people?  Why does EVERYONE have to do it?  

The worst part is that I'm not allowed to feel this way.  I'm not allowed to express my concern that this has gone on too long;,that this has been taken too far.  I'm not allowed to suggest that living like this isn't good for anyone.  I'm only allowed to comply and agree that "it's for the greater good".  Where have we heard that before?  If I try to express my anxiety over it, my dislike of how things are, my absolute desire to not live this way, that not living would be better, I'm told that I'm crazy and stupid, that I'm wrong, and that maybe I should catch coronavirus and die (or someone I love should) and that would show me that these draconian measures are needed. 

You know what?  Whenever another bug is going around, be it a stomach virus causing a lot of throwing up or the seasonal flu and everyone in the area seems to be catching it,  I sometimes worry that we'll catch it.  And then when we do, I wonder if I could have done something to prevent it.  We wash our hands.  We try to avoid sick people, and so on and so forth.  But, in the end, sometimes YOU. JUST. GET. SICK.  Sometimes, you can't figure out how you got something.  And you'll never know why.  Trying to figure that out causes great anxiety.  I know, because I am a person of great anxiety. 

I'm not afraid of catching coronavirus.  I'm not even afraid of dying if I do catch it.  I'm not afraid of having someone in my immediate family die of it either.  I trust that if that happens, it's because God allowed it to.  Dying isn't the worst thing that can happen.  It's far worse to live a life in fear, anxiety, depression, isolation, and misery.  I'd rather die than live such a miserable existence.

Thursday, August 6, 2020

New Goal

Last month as I was cleaning out the stack of magazines we keep in the bathroom, I realized that I have not been reading the monthly issues of our church's magazines that we still subscribe to.  I like to have paper copies because I like to be able to flip through them and see what catches my attention.  It's easier that way than looking at a small box on a screen with the title of the article on it.  The graphics catch my attention more than the title usually.  But I hadn't been reading them.  So I went through the stack and found that I had a couple years' worth of the magazine.  I cleaned it all out, put back the most recent copies and made a stack of the magazine for all of 2019 by my bed.  It has been my goal to read each issue from cover to cover.  I'm doing this at as rapid of a pace as I can because I want to catch up to the current month.  Of course, with each month that passes, I will have one more magazine to read before I catch up to where we are.  And then, my new goal will be to read them from cover to cover as they come out.

Since I made that goal, I have read through four issues in about a month's time.  There have been many articles that have truly jumped out and spoken to me and been absolutely something I needed to read.  Other articles I haven't read as deeply, just skimmed.  After reading the fourth magazine, which had quite a few very deep, poignant articles in relation to my struggles in life, I decided that I needed to journal all of this reading.  So I pulled out the journal I have set aside for scripture study, which is mostly empty  (I have a very hard time just reading scriptures; I need direction with my reading!), and decided to catalog all of the articles that have jumped out at me.  I feel like writing things down will help me remember the instructions I receive and the impressions I feel and better apply them in my life. 

This is my new goal.  I needed to share it in order to really make it real.

Friday, July 31, 2020

A Little Joy

This morning I had one of those rare quiet moments of joy.  My baby, who is now four years old, quietly crept into our bed at 5 am.  Unlike any of our other kids who, when they would come in the early hours of morning, would never go back to sleep, this one does. He usually is up because he needs to use the restroom but then he gets back in bed and goes peacefully back to sleep.  When it's early morning time like that, if I try to put him back in his own bed, he usually doesn't go back to sleep and gets up for the day, walking others up in the process.  So I let him snuggle up to me. 

He was so sweet, lying there, right up next to me. He was completely asleep, but he had laid his hand on my arm before drifting back and told me, "I love you, Mom." My heart was just bursting with joy and I just wanted to hug him fiercely but I didn't because I didn't want to wake him up. I drifted back to sleep also.

This little boy came at a time I wasn't ready for him. I didn't want to have more kids and was a little angry about the whole situation.  But even I, the one who struggles with belief in God's influence in my life, can admit that I think God knew I would need him.  He is such a calm, sweet spirit, always showing me love with hugs and kisses and whispering it to me.  He is reminding me about the joy of little ones in his excitement over the littlest things, like getting a snack he really likes.  I needed this in my life right now and I'm thankful for it.

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Toxic

I wish I could just fade into oblivion.  Not die.  But cease to exist.  A few years ago, someone told me I was toxic.  I was so very, very hurt but wondered deep down if it was true.  I wanted them to be wrong.  I always thought that toxic was just a label people like to toss out when they are upset with something someone said or did.  I never really understood what was meant by toxic.  Because I'm a pessimist?  Because I always see the worst case scenario?  I still don't really know what exactly made that particular person decide that about me.  But today, I have figured out that they are right. 

I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being.  I never meant to be this way.  I still don't mean to be this way.  I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable.  And then I lash out at others.  I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately.  It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way.  Or they have a means that I don't have.  And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean.  And can't seem to be repaired.  And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were.  As a human being, I'm a complete failure.

Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve.  Life was already too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every choice that comes my way.  I always make the wrong choice. I always say the wrong thing.  I always act the wrong way.  I just can't do anything right.

I'm not sure I can fix me.  I don't know how.  I'm broken beyond repair.  I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me.  I wish I could erase  myself from their lives.  I'm embarrassed to be me.

And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion.  Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again.

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