Friday, May 21, 2010

Too Fast

I didn't sleep so well last night. You see, we got some bad news this week. I previously wrote about our desire to have more children and how it doesn't seem to be happening for us. There is a reason for that. Apparently, I'm having some problems that are possibly causing infertility. And it turns out, so is the husband. Of course, there are more tests to be done. There are steps we can take. But it may not pan out.

Last night I slept lightly and restlessly and had uneasy dreams. Dreams about pockets that were full of holes and empty. Dreams about half-eaten papayas. At about 3 am, I woke up. I started thinking about it all. I hadn't really allowed myself to do that yet, that maybe if I just didn't think about it and went about my life as normally as possible that the problem would just go away and I would be normal again.

And then it hit me. If we can't have another child and probably won't take the adoption route (unless we have some spiritual inklings in that direction that are very strong, we don't plan on going that route), my babies are already growing up. My youngest is 2-1/2 and she's just growing so fast. And while I thrill at the idea of her turning 3, then 4, then 5 and starting school and watching who she will become, as I do with the others, it dawned on me that those days of a newborn snuggled up against my neck, sleeping softly, with pursed lips and fluttery eyelids could be gone. All the milestones that my daughter has already hit may be the last time I get to see those milestones in my own children.

And the flood gates opened. I couldn't stop crying. I feel like part of me has died. I feel devastated. I hate not having control over my body and that it is doing its own thing.

Then, at about 5:30 this morning, my daughter crept into our room and climbed into the bed on my side. She put her arms around my neck and just held on for a long time. That's not like her. She doesn't like to snuggle in bed in the mornings, she wants to get up and get going. She even fell back asleep for a little while in that position, with her arms tight around my neck, holding me and comforting me. It was like she just knew that I needed her.


NatureGirl said...

prayers and love for you this morning...

Charlotte said...

What a sweet ending to a rough night. It is hard when things don't go according to our plan. Mourning is always tough (even if necessary).

swedemom said...

I'm glad that you were blessed with a tender mercy. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.
After I was diagnosed with lupus, just a few months after my third son was born, the doctors strongly cautioned me against pregnancy because I was so ill. We had to face the possibility that our family would not grow beyond the three children. It was painful. Although, I cannot compare it to the anquish that you are experiencing. I had some measure of peace in knowing that our reasons were quite literally to save my life. I felt very comforted by the Spirit during that time of my life.
I hope you are able to feel comfort as well. My hugs and prayers are with you.

Stacy said...

Oh Jenna, I'm so sorry.

I've been where you are, and its not an easy place. No matter how many children you have, if you feel like one is missing, your heart aches and your family feels incomplete.

I wonder sometimes if I was given the intense desire for more children to help me though the difficulties that we had conceiving Max. I think that if I didn't have such strong longings for another baby, that I wouldn't have had the courage to pursue fertility treatments.

And please, don't give up hope. The Lord can work miracles if He chooses to. This pregnancy was a complete surprise, and one that we thought would be impossible without medical intervention.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Royalbird said...

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I have been feeling better about things, more hopeful.

Devin & Ruthann said...

That's so sweet she did that! You will be in our prayers!

Becky said...

I completely understand how you feel, as we are going through similar issues ourselves. I hope everything works out for you.

alli said...

I've been thinking about you all weekend, and am glad to see that you are doing alright. What a comfort and a blessing your four children are, especially in light of what is going on. And I think you are right to feel hope in the situation. As bleak as the future may seem, we never know what the Lord has in store for us just around the corner. We are thinking about you and add our hope and prayers to yours.


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