Saturday, May 15, 2010

Leaving the Past Behind

I'm feeling the blues today. The reasons why cannot be explained here. They are too complicated, too personal, and too unreasonable. But I just feel blah.

Being here where I am reminds me of some dreams I had when I was younger that probably will never be fulfilled. It is this place, the very air around me as the seasons change, that leave me yearning for yesterday. I wish I could escape to another place. Yes, that is running away. But sometimes, the whole "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" thing works for a reason. I'd like to live in a place where my memories don't haunt me at every turn I take, everything I see.

Do you ever hear a song on the radio that takes you back to another time, another place? That is how it is with the mere change of seasons for me here. It is all around me.

When we decided to move here, I warned my husband that I've had these feelings every time we visited and that living here could be a problem for me. He told me that I needed to start making new memories.

I completely agree. It's hard sometimes to let go of the past. You can't change what happened. You can only go forward and make the best of things and hopefully, everything all works out for the better because we learn from our mistakes. That is what I have to do. I can't change the choice I made. I can't take any of it back. Sometimes you make a bad choice and you can repair the damage, but sometimes, when you make a choice, there's nothing you can do to alter the outcome. It is what it is.

So now, as the seasons change and winter melts away into spring, which dissolves into summer, I must make a new choice. A choice to make new memories and to leave the past behind me. To let it go and move on. It won't be easy. But it is necessary.

1 comment:

swedemom said...

That is hard. It's hard to confront memories of the past and try to make new memories and to have new associations.

I've had such a hard time in New York that I'm going to Wyoming for the summer. My last two summers here were like Hades to me. As I've contemplated the coming summer, I realized I don't have the strength at this time to try and make new memories. And I need refuge and calm and peace for a couple of months. Maybe next year.

I think it is good that you are writing about it. If you discover the secret about turning from the past and enjoying the present, let me know. I could use it!


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