Last month as I was cleaning out the stack of magazines we keep in the bathroom, I realized that I have not been reading the monthly issues of our church's magazines that we still subscribe to. I like to have paper copies because I like to be able to flip through them and see what catches my attention. It's easier that way than looking at a small box on a screen with the title of the article on it. The graphics catch my attention more than the title usually. But I hadn't been reading them. So I went through the stack and found that I had a couple years' worth of the magazine. I cleaned it all out, put back the most recent copies and made a stack of the magazine for all of 2019 by my bed. It has been my goal to read each issue from cover to cover. I'm doing this at as rapid of a pace as I can because I want to catch up to the current month. Of course, with each month that passes, I will have one more magazine to read before I catch up to where we are. And then, my new goal will be to read them from cover to cover as they come out.
Since I made that goal, I have read through four issues in about a month's time. There have been many articles that have truly jumped out and spoken to me and been absolutely something I needed to read. Other articles I haven't read as deeply, just skimmed. After reading the fourth magazine, which had quite a few very deep, poignant articles in relation to my struggles in life, I decided that I needed to journal all of this reading. So I pulled out the journal I have set aside for scripture study, which is mostly empty (I have a very hard time just reading scriptures; I need direction with my reading!), and decided to catalog all of the articles that have jumped out at me. I feel like writing things down will help me remember the instructions I receive and the impressions I feel and better apply them in my life.
This is my new goal. I needed to share it in order to really make it real.
Showing posts with label life reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life reflections. Show all posts
Thursday, August 6, 2020
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Writing and Missing Normal Life
I need to start writing again. I have missed it a lot. Since we moved to Texas, I haven't been able to get my life in order enough to take time out for me to write. I need to do this.
Writing is an outlet for me. Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is. We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19. We have also been having protests due to racial inequality. I really have no desire to get political. I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way. So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.
The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born. He is now four years old. Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move. I still regret moving. I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here. But I need to start looking for these things.
Coronavirus has rocked my world. My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it. I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school. But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them. And for me, to be quite honest. One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics. Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me. It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that! But I really missed that final band concert. That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year! I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it. Same with those choir concerts.
Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work. I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids. That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered. Same with teaching piano. No piano recital, no lessons since March. I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform. I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me. It was too frustrating for me and my students. I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching. Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that. So that has changed our world. At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss. His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well. And not looking to improve any time soon.
I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away! That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months. That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall. I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.
If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it. But I don't want that kind of life. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have. So I struggle.
I'm going to try to start writing again. Sometimes I will vent my frustrations. Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids. That's all that matters to me right now.
Writing is an outlet for me. Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is. We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19. We have also been having protests due to racial inequality. I really have no desire to get political. I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way. So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.
The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born. He is now four years old. Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move. I still regret moving. I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here. But I need to start looking for these things.
Coronavirus has rocked my world. My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it. I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school. But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them. And for me, to be quite honest. One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics. Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me. It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that! But I really missed that final band concert. That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year! I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it. Same with those choir concerts.
Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work. I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids. That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered. Same with teaching piano. No piano recital, no lessons since March. I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform. I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me. It was too frustrating for me and my students. I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching. Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that. So that has changed our world. At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss. His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well. And not looking to improve any time soon.
I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away! That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months. That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall. I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.
If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it. But I don't want that kind of life. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have. So I struggle.
I'm going to try to start writing again. Sometimes I will vent my frustrations. Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids. That's all that matters to me right now.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Worry
I need to write more. It's therapeutic for me. It has always been my dream to be a writer. I have stories in my head, lots and lots of stories. Some I have started writing down but never finished. I feel like my life is too cluttered to write though. I can't sort through all my thoughts because my head is full of all of my worries. And I have so many.
I worry about finances. That's a big one. It seems that good fortune never comes our way when it comes to money. We scrimp and save and chip away at the debt but it seems we never make headway. Our debt isn't even that serious compared to some but it's enormous for us. I feel like we're being punished for having it in the first place and the only way to be financially blessed is to get out of debt, which is pretty much impossible without some sort of blessing. We'll get a decent amount in the way of a tax return or other means and then we'll have to use it just to pay the bills during the summer when my piano students are fewer and preschool is out. It's frustrating. We can't ever get ahead.
I worry about my husband's job. I worry that he's unhappy, that he's unhealthy. I worry that he'll get killed in a car accident driving late at night when he's tired. I worry that he'll have a heart attack because he isn't healthy and doesn't want to do anything about it.
I worry about my kids. I worry about the opportunities we aren't able to provide for them. I worry that they are missing out on important things because they can't do what they are good at. My daughter was asked to join the team at gymnastics. It would triple the cost, something we are already barely scraping together. I wish we could do it. What will she be missing by not doing it? Should we be doing everything in our power to make it happen?I already feel very overwhelmed and stretched thin as it is. Then there's our son, also a gymnast, who might have the same opportunity, which is why we put him in gymnastics in the first place. I guess we thought it would be several years before these opportunities came knocking and we might have more money then.
I worry about my kids spiritual growth. I feel like we're not doing enough, that we are letting the world take too great a hold on them, but I feel like it's tidal wave that we can't stop. It's so overwhelming and frightening to me, watching them make choices that aren't keeping them on the right path and then watching them deal with the natural consequences. How can I be better with them so they can hopefully make better choices? Is it even possible?
So, that's why I don't write much. I feel like the problems are too much and my mind is too cluttered to organize my writing. But maybe writing a little bit every week or so will help it not be so scattered.
I worry about finances. That's a big one. It seems that good fortune never comes our way when it comes to money. We scrimp and save and chip away at the debt but it seems we never make headway. Our debt isn't even that serious compared to some but it's enormous for us. I feel like we're being punished for having it in the first place and the only way to be financially blessed is to get out of debt, which is pretty much impossible without some sort of blessing. We'll get a decent amount in the way of a tax return or other means and then we'll have to use it just to pay the bills during the summer when my piano students are fewer and preschool is out. It's frustrating. We can't ever get ahead.
I worry about my husband's job. I worry that he's unhappy, that he's unhealthy. I worry that he'll get killed in a car accident driving late at night when he's tired. I worry that he'll have a heart attack because he isn't healthy and doesn't want to do anything about it.
I worry about my kids. I worry about the opportunities we aren't able to provide for them. I worry that they are missing out on important things because they can't do what they are good at. My daughter was asked to join the team at gymnastics. It would triple the cost, something we are already barely scraping together. I wish we could do it. What will she be missing by not doing it? Should we be doing everything in our power to make it happen?I already feel very overwhelmed and stretched thin as it is. Then there's our son, also a gymnast, who might have the same opportunity, which is why we put him in gymnastics in the first place. I guess we thought it would be several years before these opportunities came knocking and we might have more money then.
I worry about my kids spiritual growth. I feel like we're not doing enough, that we are letting the world take too great a hold on them, but I feel like it's tidal wave that we can't stop. It's so overwhelming and frightening to me, watching them make choices that aren't keeping them on the right path and then watching them deal with the natural consequences. How can I be better with them so they can hopefully make better choices? Is it even possible?
So, that's why I don't write much. I feel like the problems are too much and my mind is too cluttered to organize my writing. But maybe writing a little bit every week or so will help it not be so scattered.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Checking In
I just wanted to check in. I realize that my last post was a doozer, but I just had to get out in writing some of the feelings and thoughts I'd been having. I still feel the same way. But life keeps on moving along anyway and that's just what it does.
One of the things I am struggling with is finding time for myself to do things I enjoy. I feel like I just don't have the luxury of that kind of time. I'm so busy teaching preschool and piano and taking care of kids and managing the household that there really isn't time for me to do what I enjoy and there certainly isn't money. But writing is one thing that has always been an outlet for me so I'd like to continue to write. I just don't know how often I'll get to it.
Other things I enjoy that I haven't done much of lately: playing the violin, reading, drawing and painting, playing sports and exercising, and getting outside.
I did try playing volleyball for church back in the fall. I made an effort to make it to the games even when I wasn't feeling up to it or it was late and I was tired. Then, I went to one game where we played a double header, two games in one night. The first game they had plenty of women there and they won. I wasn't able to make it to the first game because it was too early and it was the same night as Jonah's first grade program (I believe that was the conflict). So I made it in time for the second game. While I was waiting for the game to start, some of the other women were talking about how they had enough people to play and one even said that they didn't really need me. So I left. I like volleyball, but I don't love it. It's more fun when you enjoy the people you are playing with as well, and these women in my ward...they just aren't very nice to me. At least not the majority of the ones who play volleyball. Now I know I'm not the best player and could use some improvement, but I'm not really that horrible either. And I like to play sports (though basketball is the one I prefer--but our stake doesn't let the women play basketball). But if you tell me to my face that I'm not needed, when I made the effort after my long, exhausting day (Thursdays are rough--three hours of preschool in the morning and then three hours of piano in the afternoon, plus the kid's program and dinner and bedtime and now it's 9:30 at night and I drove 20 minutes to get here), then I guess I just will no longer participate. I've never been one to back out of participating in a church-sponsored activity, but they pushed me away. I'm sure they don't care. But I will have a hard time forgetting how I was treated.
That was a side story that just came out. Anyway, I'm working on trying to find the time to do a few things I like every week. It's hard. I'm usually too tired to do anything more than turn the TV on and doze off. But maybe if I work on this, I will have a brighter outlook. It's worth a try.
One of the things I am struggling with is finding time for myself to do things I enjoy. I feel like I just don't have the luxury of that kind of time. I'm so busy teaching preschool and piano and taking care of kids and managing the household that there really isn't time for me to do what I enjoy and there certainly isn't money. But writing is one thing that has always been an outlet for me so I'd like to continue to write. I just don't know how often I'll get to it.
Other things I enjoy that I haven't done much of lately: playing the violin, reading, drawing and painting, playing sports and exercising, and getting outside.
I did try playing volleyball for church back in the fall. I made an effort to make it to the games even when I wasn't feeling up to it or it was late and I was tired. Then, I went to one game where we played a double header, two games in one night. The first game they had plenty of women there and they won. I wasn't able to make it to the first game because it was too early and it was the same night as Jonah's first grade program (I believe that was the conflict). So I made it in time for the second game. While I was waiting for the game to start, some of the other women were talking about how they had enough people to play and one even said that they didn't really need me. So I left. I like volleyball, but I don't love it. It's more fun when you enjoy the people you are playing with as well, and these women in my ward...they just aren't very nice to me. At least not the majority of the ones who play volleyball. Now I know I'm not the best player and could use some improvement, but I'm not really that horrible either. And I like to play sports (though basketball is the one I prefer--but our stake doesn't let the women play basketball). But if you tell me to my face that I'm not needed, when I made the effort after my long, exhausting day (Thursdays are rough--three hours of preschool in the morning and then three hours of piano in the afternoon, plus the kid's program and dinner and bedtime and now it's 9:30 at night and I drove 20 minutes to get here), then I guess I just will no longer participate. I've never been one to back out of participating in a church-sponsored activity, but they pushed me away. I'm sure they don't care. But I will have a hard time forgetting how I was treated.
That was a side story that just came out. Anyway, I'm working on trying to find the time to do a few things I like every week. It's hard. I'm usually too tired to do anything more than turn the TV on and doze off. But maybe if I work on this, I will have a brighter outlook. It's worth a try.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Trying to Adjust
This move has been really hard for me. I always thought that when I moved back to Texas, if the opportunity ever came along, that I'd be jumping for joy and charge forward, never looking back. But that hasn't been the case at all. It's possible that because this move affected so many people and not just me (my six kids) that it's been hard.
I still feel slightly sick to my stomach whenever I think about what has happened. We were coasting along, struggling with every day life, trying to figure things out and BOOM! the opportunity to go to Texas jumps out at us. I didn't even realize how great life was. We had a good house in a good neighborhood and ward that we could afford. We lived close to the schools, work, stores, and activities. The kids were involved in activities that we could afford.
I had some strange notion that Texas was a less expensive place to live but I was extremely wrong. I'm not sure how things will go for us financially here. I'm worried that I will have to get a full time job and put my last two babies in daycare because we just can't afford to live otherwise. We looked at renting and we looked at less expensive houses. The difference in monthly payments wasn't enough to make much of a difference, so we settled on a house we really liked.
But it's the other things too. We had a great dentist in Utah. We had a great pediatrician. We had a great optometrist and pediatric ophthalmologist. I had a great ob/gyn. We had a great orthodontist all lined up and our oldest was supposed to start braces in December. Now, not only do we not have a dentist or orthodontist, but with the increase in how much everything costs, I don't know if we'll ever be able to put our kids through braces and then they'll have terribly messed up teeth. I feel really bad about this. If we had stayed in Utah, it would have been just fine.
Then there are the activities. They were in baseball, dance, and fencing. They took music lessons. I taught piano lessons. I was doing what I could to eventually teach a preschool out of my home. Here, it doesn't look like people use home preschools and the expectation of what a preschool is does not mesh with anything I believe in regarding early childhood learning. I feel more frustrated about that than I did about trying to get our HOA to allow me to teach a preschool there in Utah out of our home.
I miss my job at the school and how perfect it was for me and for our family. It gave us an extra $200-$300/month and I only worked one day a week so my husband could stay home just that one day with the kids. Plus, the job itself was perfect. I got to do exactly what I love, which is teaching, and coming up with parts of the lesson plans myself but I didn't have to deal with the bureaucracy or the parents, who can sometimes be nightmares to deal with. I have already tried finding something like that here, even just a part-time thing at the schools and all I could find was full time. If I'm going to work full time, I'd rather be a classroom teacher, not an aide, but I don't even know where to begin figuring out a teaching license in this state. I looks like I might need to go through a teacher training program all over again since none of my past licenses are current (California, Idaho and Utah) and it's been 15 years since I graduated from one.
I just feel like we screwed everything up. I wish so badly that we could rewind life to September 15th, knowing what I know now about Texas, and when the offer comes up, we just ignore it and move on with our life in Utah.
I don't hate it here and there have been many wonderful events and good things have happened. The people have certainly been kind enough. But I am truly sorry over having to leave a happy, comfortable, though somewhat non-exciting life. If I could go back, I would look for more opportunities to challenge ourselves. I wish so badly that I could rewind time. I'm so sad about leaving certain friends, friends who only recently came into our lives. I feel like I ruined the lives of our six kids. And I feel exhausted by having to start over. I'm tired of putting myself out there and simply don't want to do it anymore. It's too hard, too emotionally wrenching for me.
The worst part of all of this is that it is entirely my fault. I only have myself to blame. I should have said no, we don't need to do that, but it was Texas and I couldn't resist giving it a try. When the job opportunity came along, my husband had to "put in for the opening" and request the position. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been considered. I let him put in for it. It's all my fault. I should have said no. I miss my life in Utah and am so sad that we left. It was a good life.
I still feel slightly sick to my stomach whenever I think about what has happened. We were coasting along, struggling with every day life, trying to figure things out and BOOM! the opportunity to go to Texas jumps out at us. I didn't even realize how great life was. We had a good house in a good neighborhood and ward that we could afford. We lived close to the schools, work, stores, and activities. The kids were involved in activities that we could afford.
I had some strange notion that Texas was a less expensive place to live but I was extremely wrong. I'm not sure how things will go for us financially here. I'm worried that I will have to get a full time job and put my last two babies in daycare because we just can't afford to live otherwise. We looked at renting and we looked at less expensive houses. The difference in monthly payments wasn't enough to make much of a difference, so we settled on a house we really liked.
But it's the other things too. We had a great dentist in Utah. We had a great pediatrician. We had a great optometrist and pediatric ophthalmologist. I had a great ob/gyn. We had a great orthodontist all lined up and our oldest was supposed to start braces in December. Now, not only do we not have a dentist or orthodontist, but with the increase in how much everything costs, I don't know if we'll ever be able to put our kids through braces and then they'll have terribly messed up teeth. I feel really bad about this. If we had stayed in Utah, it would have been just fine.
Then there are the activities. They were in baseball, dance, and fencing. They took music lessons. I taught piano lessons. I was doing what I could to eventually teach a preschool out of my home. Here, it doesn't look like people use home preschools and the expectation of what a preschool is does not mesh with anything I believe in regarding early childhood learning. I feel more frustrated about that than I did about trying to get our HOA to allow me to teach a preschool there in Utah out of our home.
I miss my job at the school and how perfect it was for me and for our family. It gave us an extra $200-$300/month and I only worked one day a week so my husband could stay home just that one day with the kids. Plus, the job itself was perfect. I got to do exactly what I love, which is teaching, and coming up with parts of the lesson plans myself but I didn't have to deal with the bureaucracy or the parents, who can sometimes be nightmares to deal with. I have already tried finding something like that here, even just a part-time thing at the schools and all I could find was full time. If I'm going to work full time, I'd rather be a classroom teacher, not an aide, but I don't even know where to begin figuring out a teaching license in this state. I looks like I might need to go through a teacher training program all over again since none of my past licenses are current (California, Idaho and Utah) and it's been 15 years since I graduated from one.
I just feel like we screwed everything up. I wish so badly that we could rewind life to September 15th, knowing what I know now about Texas, and when the offer comes up, we just ignore it and move on with our life in Utah.
I don't hate it here and there have been many wonderful events and good things have happened. The people have certainly been kind enough. But I am truly sorry over having to leave a happy, comfortable, though somewhat non-exciting life. If I could go back, I would look for more opportunities to challenge ourselves. I wish so badly that I could rewind time. I'm so sad about leaving certain friends, friends who only recently came into our lives. I feel like I ruined the lives of our six kids. And I feel exhausted by having to start over. I'm tired of putting myself out there and simply don't want to do it anymore. It's too hard, too emotionally wrenching for me.
The worst part of all of this is that it is entirely my fault. I only have myself to blame. I should have said no, we don't need to do that, but it was Texas and I couldn't resist giving it a try. When the job opportunity came along, my husband had to "put in for the opening" and request the position. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been considered. I let him put in for it. It's all my fault. I should have said no. I miss my life in Utah and am so sad that we left. It was a good life.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Change
There was a country song that played on the radio when I was in high school. I never knew the artist, but I remember the chorus:
"The only thing that stays the same is
everything changes, everything changes.
Time marches on."
I am notoriously bad at change. I don't like it, even if it's something very small. My kids had to switch schools this year due to a boundary re-alignment in the school district. You'd have thought my world was ending with how I handled it. My kids...they were fine. They already knew kids at the new school. In fact, the boundary change was really for our benefit. Since we moved here, the kids have gone to a different school than the majority of kids in the ward because of the wonky school boundary. The change made sense, but I didn't like it. We had been at that school for five years and it was a great school. Nevermind that the other school was just as good. I could only see the negatives. The other school didn't have band. Nevermind that I could just take my kids to the band at the old school. Now that I am facing an even bigger change, an out-of-state move, only five months into the school year, I am realizing how stupid that all was. I am really thick-headed sometimes.
Tonight I was driving home from a Thanksgiving dinner celebrated with my brother's family and his wife's family. As I arrived at my house, the movie was still playing in the car DVD player and there was only a few minutes left, so I drove around the block to get to the end of the movie. As I did so, I looked around at the neighborhood that I have grown to love.
I realized that the majority of people who lived in this neighborhood when we first moved here no longer live in the neighborhood. They moved on. Most of them didn't move out of state, I'll grant you that, but they moved on despite the good school and the good ward and the good friends. So why am I having such a hard time with it?
I have wanted to move back to Texas ever since I moved away from Texas in 1994. Twenty years ago. For twenty years I have been daydreaming about how great it would be to live in Texas. But I've come to realize that all I ever had was a dream. I didn't realize that in the time I'd left Texas, I had become a Utah girl at heart. I had a hard time moving back to Utah, on the outside. I put up a fight. But on the inside, I think I was secretly glad to be back in Utah. It's comfortable here. The people are nice. I really, really love how easy it is to access the LDS Church here in Utah. I love the access to temples, the access to Salt Lake City, the access to BYU (Women's Conference, Aspen Grove Marriage Retreat, etc.). I love how on Sundays, FM100 plays "Soft Sunday Sounds"--religious music, most of it made by Mormon songwriters and singers. Driving along I-15 from Provo to Riverton at night, I pass four temples that I can see clearly from the freeway (Mt. Timpanogos, Draper, Jordan River, Oquirrh Mountain). And the mountains! Oh how I will miss these mountains! I have lived in the mountainous west longer than I ever lived in Texas. What was I thinking?
I know that Texas is a good place to live and there are great people there too, but I am broken-hearted about leaving this place that I have grown to really love. And somewhat annoyed at myself for not having realized how I love it until it was too late and we were set to leave.
Utah, you've been a good friend. I will no longer be ashamed to say I have lived here. I used to think it was better to tell people I was from Texas than Utah, but I no longer feel that way. I will now tell people I am from Utah. After all, I was born here.
Change, how I loathe you. But I realize that things can't stay the same forever, as much as I wish they would. Change is inevitable. It's a fact of life.
"The only thing that stays the same is
everything changes, everything changes.
Time marches on."
I am notoriously bad at change. I don't like it, even if it's something very small. My kids had to switch schools this year due to a boundary re-alignment in the school district. You'd have thought my world was ending with how I handled it. My kids...they were fine. They already knew kids at the new school. In fact, the boundary change was really for our benefit. Since we moved here, the kids have gone to a different school than the majority of kids in the ward because of the wonky school boundary. The change made sense, but I didn't like it. We had been at that school for five years and it was a great school. Nevermind that the other school was just as good. I could only see the negatives. The other school didn't have band. Nevermind that I could just take my kids to the band at the old school. Now that I am facing an even bigger change, an out-of-state move, only five months into the school year, I am realizing how stupid that all was. I am really thick-headed sometimes.
Tonight I was driving home from a Thanksgiving dinner celebrated with my brother's family and his wife's family. As I arrived at my house, the movie was still playing in the car DVD player and there was only a few minutes left, so I drove around the block to get to the end of the movie. As I did so, I looked around at the neighborhood that I have grown to love.
I realized that the majority of people who lived in this neighborhood when we first moved here no longer live in the neighborhood. They moved on. Most of them didn't move out of state, I'll grant you that, but they moved on despite the good school and the good ward and the good friends. So why am I having such a hard time with it?
I have wanted to move back to Texas ever since I moved away from Texas in 1994. Twenty years ago. For twenty years I have been daydreaming about how great it would be to live in Texas. But I've come to realize that all I ever had was a dream. I didn't realize that in the time I'd left Texas, I had become a Utah girl at heart. I had a hard time moving back to Utah, on the outside. I put up a fight. But on the inside, I think I was secretly glad to be back in Utah. It's comfortable here. The people are nice. I really, really love how easy it is to access the LDS Church here in Utah. I love the access to temples, the access to Salt Lake City, the access to BYU (Women's Conference, Aspen Grove Marriage Retreat, etc.). I love how on Sundays, FM100 plays "Soft Sunday Sounds"--religious music, most of it made by Mormon songwriters and singers. Driving along I-15 from Provo to Riverton at night, I pass four temples that I can see clearly from the freeway (Mt. Timpanogos, Draper, Jordan River, Oquirrh Mountain). And the mountains! Oh how I will miss these mountains! I have lived in the mountainous west longer than I ever lived in Texas. What was I thinking?
I know that Texas is a good place to live and there are great people there too, but I am broken-hearted about leaving this place that I have grown to really love. And somewhat annoyed at myself for not having realized how I love it until it was too late and we were set to leave.
Utah, you've been a good friend. I will no longer be ashamed to say I have lived here. I used to think it was better to tell people I was from Texas than Utah, but I no longer feel that way. I will now tell people I am from Utah. After all, I was born here.
Change, how I loathe you. But I realize that things can't stay the same forever, as much as I wish they would. Change is inevitable. It's a fact of life.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
My Brothers
I have five brothers. This has been a source of both pride and disappointment throughout my life. I have always enjoyed telling people that I have five brothers and no sisters. That automatically paints me as someone who is pretty tough and also someone who has people watching her back. I do wish that I had sisters, and that is where the disappointment lies, but that is another story for another day. I fall in the middle with two older and three younger.
This picture was taken four days before my oldest brother Jordan was killed in a car accident. There aren't a whole lot of pictures of just me and my brothers, especially since we all grew up. I insisted on having this picture taken at our recent family reunion. I'm very glad I did.
My relationship with each of my brothers is very unique. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love all my brothers though. I have often told people stories of what it was like growing up with five boys. I have often shared, with pride, the accomplishments of my brothers. They are all, indeed, great men. I admire each of them for different reasons.
But of all my brothers, the only one who ever expressed this same kind of appreciation to me by telling me of his appreciation and sharing his admiration of me with others was Jordan. Not one of my other brothers ever told me that I looked beautiful, but Jordan did. Not one of them (to my knowledge) ever told anyone about me with pride that I was his sister, but Jordan did. I didn't even realize he did as often as he did until after his death. I have had many, many people that knew him, but not me, tell me how he spoke of me often and how he admired me.
When I was in first grade, Jordan was in fourth grade. We had recess at the same time. He introduced me to some of the girls in his class. Those girls continued to be kind to me, even into high school. I remember how nervous I was the night before starting junior high school (7th grade). He was starting 10th grade that year, which was at the high school. I was so afraid I would get lost in the hallways and not be able to find my classes. He sat down with me and went over my class schedule and mapped it all out for me. I remember going to many stake dances with him and his group of friends once I had turned fourteen. I have a lot of these kinds of memories with Jordan that I don't have with most of my other brothers.
In the last few years, we hadn't talked as much as we used to. When we were both in college, we talked often on the phone. After college and when real life started, we still talked a few times a month on the phone. But as his life got complicated and difficult, we didn't talk as often. Oh, how I wish I would have been better about calling him. It had only been in the recent two to three months that we began talking on the phone more often again.
I will miss Jordan tremendously. I will miss his friendship. Yes, friendship. His phone calls, his Facebook comments, his comments on my blog posts, random emails and instant messaging and texts. It wasn't often, but it was more often than I communicate with some of my other brothers. I guess now I know what I need to work on with my other brothers.
Jordan, I love you. You really were a good brother to me. And even though when we were little, you sometimes teased me, you were never really mean. I hope and pray you are in a happy place. I know the last few years of your life you had an immense struggle. I hope you passed your test. I love you, my brother.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Free Entertainment and Summer Fun
This summer, it is my goal to have as much fun as possible without spending any more money. I bought a family pool pass for the summer, which was way too much money, in my opinion, given the hours the pool is open and how often it's closed due to thunderstorms, but beyond that, I have no intention of spending any more money.
That means no trips to Thanksgiving Point (a local attraction that consists of a few museums, beautiful gardens, an agricultural learning area, a movie theater, and lots of shops), no trips to the zoo, no trips to the aquarium. That means no taking any summer classes beyond the private trumpet/trombone lessons I signed the boys up for to keep them practicing over the summer for band. It means no lunches out and even no stopping at the snow cone shack for a cold treat on a hot day. It also means no road trips to visit family or friends. What it means is only doing activities that cost no money at all.
What on earth does that leave to do? In society's eyes, probably not a lot. I've noticed that the fun most people post on Facebook that they have tend to be activities that cost money. Not that any of that is bad; it's not. But I have taken a good look around and realized that there is so much to do that can be done for free, or even really cheap.
Here is a my list of things to do so far:
--BYU has several museums that are free: The Museum of Art, The Monte L. Bean Science Museum, and a natural history museum.
--There are lots of places to hike in the mountains around here (most of which I still have to discover because I don't know where kid-friendly hikes are)
--Blackridge Reservoir, which is a small man-made lake that we can swim in
--Many biking trails in our city
--Many new parks to explore
--Downtown SLC--Temple Square and some adjacent areas, like the Church History Museum and hiking up to Promontory Point.
--Free concerts/movies in the park hosted by the city
--Free parades, fairs and firework events throughout the summer
Then, of course, there is good, old-fashioned playing in a field: baseball, soccer, tag, etc. and other outdoor activities that can be done with a group of kids (six siblings and a mom count!), like chalk drawing, four square, basketball, bike games, setting up a lemonade/snow cone/other cold treat stand, and many, many more.
When I was growing up, we used to keep ourselves pretty well entertained in the summers without our parents carting us around to museums, aquariums, and zoos and other venues. Somehow, we all managed to come out of it okay and not bored. Somehow we kept busy and out of trouble and had a lot of fun.
So I'm going to focus this summer on a throwback to old times. I'm not even doing my usual "summer learning" . My kids have been in school since last July and they need a real break. Aside from 30 minutes of daily reading and instrument practicing, they are free to play to their hearts content.
Ah, summer. Good times!
That means no trips to Thanksgiving Point (a local attraction that consists of a few museums, beautiful gardens, an agricultural learning area, a movie theater, and lots of shops), no trips to the zoo, no trips to the aquarium. That means no taking any summer classes beyond the private trumpet/trombone lessons I signed the boys up for to keep them practicing over the summer for band. It means no lunches out and even no stopping at the snow cone shack for a cold treat on a hot day. It also means no road trips to visit family or friends. What it means is only doing activities that cost no money at all.
What on earth does that leave to do? In society's eyes, probably not a lot. I've noticed that the fun most people post on Facebook that they have tend to be activities that cost money. Not that any of that is bad; it's not. But I have taken a good look around and realized that there is so much to do that can be done for free, or even really cheap.
Here is a my list of things to do so far:
--BYU has several museums that are free: The Museum of Art, The Monte L. Bean Science Museum, and a natural history museum.
--There are lots of places to hike in the mountains around here (most of which I still have to discover because I don't know where kid-friendly hikes are)
--Blackridge Reservoir, which is a small man-made lake that we can swim in
--Many biking trails in our city
--Many new parks to explore
--Downtown SLC--Temple Square and some adjacent areas, like the Church History Museum and hiking up to Promontory Point.
--Free concerts/movies in the park hosted by the city
--Free parades, fairs and firework events throughout the summer
Then, of course, there is good, old-fashioned playing in a field: baseball, soccer, tag, etc. and other outdoor activities that can be done with a group of kids (six siblings and a mom count!), like chalk drawing, four square, basketball, bike games, setting up a lemonade/snow cone/other cold treat stand, and many, many more.
When I was growing up, we used to keep ourselves pretty well entertained in the summers without our parents carting us around to museums, aquariums, and zoos and other venues. Somehow, we all managed to come out of it okay and not bored. Somehow we kept busy and out of trouble and had a lot of fun.
So I'm going to focus this summer on a throwback to old times. I'm not even doing my usual "summer learning" . My kids have been in school since last July and they need a real break. Aside from 30 minutes of daily reading and instrument practicing, they are free to play to their hearts content.
Ah, summer. Good times!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Then and Now Kids
When I was a kid, my family joined a community club pool. At that club, kids could go alone, without their parents, if they were eight years old or older and could pass a swim test. The swim test involved swimming several laps, treading water for one minute and then retrieving something on the bottom of the pool. My brothers and I passed that swim test easily and then spent the whole summer at the pool all day. We would get there when they opened at 10 am and stay until lunch. After heading home for lunch, we would go back to the pool until dinner time. Often my mom would come with us in the afternoons. Sometimes we would go back after dinner with my dad too. When we weren't swimming there, they had sand volleyball, tetherball, and a video game room. All of our friends did the same thing. It was such a great place!
I was telling my kids about this awesomeness and one of them said, "Man, I wished I grew up when you did and lived in that place!"
I decided to look up that old community club pool to see if it was still there. Sure enough, it's there. So I decided to see if my kids could have the awesome summers now that I had when I was a kid if we lived in that place. I was disappointed to learn that all of the things about the pool remained mostly the same except a few key differences. They upped the age of attending without a parent to TWELVE! My oldest, who is an awesome swimmer and the same age I was my first summer at the pool, wouldn't be able to attend without an accompanying adult even though he could easily pass the swim test. The same swim test that I took at age eleven, mind you.
Why did we trust an eight-year-old in 1989 with doing something that today we wouldn't let an eleven-year-old do? What changed? Did they have one or more children unaccompanied by a parent drown in that pool between 1994 and 2014? If they did, that would be terribly tragic, of course, but other than that, I can't see any reason why they should change the age if it was working then.
About eight years ago, a seven-year-old from Mesa, Arizona swam across San Fransisco Bay. By himself. It was to support campaigns to teach kids to swim to prevent childhood drownings. Why do pools have rules that wouldn't even allow this seven-year-old, obviously an accomplished swimmer, attend the pool without being accompanied by a parent?
My own seven-year-old could pass that swim test. I am seriously bugged by the notion that kids are not capable and need to be protected all the time. The best times I had were the times I was given the freedom to do things as a child. My younger brothers and I had a lot of fun times and a lot of them were at that pool. I have the fondest memories of that place.
I don't know what the pool rules are at my current pool of choice regarding unaccompanied kids, simply because it is far enough away without any sort of bus service that my kids will have to always go with me. Fortunately, they have a mama who loves to swim too (thanks to my childhood and spending those days at that pool), so we will go as often as possible. But I won't be standing next to them nor will I force them to wear a life jacket all the time. How can they learn to swim if they are always wearing a life jacket?
Somehow, kids have become incapable of doing things they could do on their own twenty years ago. Parents have helicoptered and hovered and overprotected to the point that kids no longer can do the same things at the same ages as they could in the past. They simply aren't ever allowed to try so they never develop the skill and are therefore not capable because we don't let them become capable.
I was telling my kids about this awesomeness and one of them said, "Man, I wished I grew up when you did and lived in that place!"
I decided to look up that old community club pool to see if it was still there. Sure enough, it's there. So I decided to see if my kids could have the awesome summers now that I had when I was a kid if we lived in that place. I was disappointed to learn that all of the things about the pool remained mostly the same except a few key differences. They upped the age of attending without a parent to TWELVE! My oldest, who is an awesome swimmer and the same age I was my first summer at the pool, wouldn't be able to attend without an accompanying adult even though he could easily pass the swim test. The same swim test that I took at age eleven, mind you.
Why did we trust an eight-year-old in 1989 with doing something that today we wouldn't let an eleven-year-old do? What changed? Did they have one or more children unaccompanied by a parent drown in that pool between 1994 and 2014? If they did, that would be terribly tragic, of course, but other than that, I can't see any reason why they should change the age if it was working then.
About eight years ago, a seven-year-old from Mesa, Arizona swam across San Fransisco Bay. By himself. It was to support campaigns to teach kids to swim to prevent childhood drownings. Why do pools have rules that wouldn't even allow this seven-year-old, obviously an accomplished swimmer, attend the pool without being accompanied by a parent?
My own seven-year-old could pass that swim test. I am seriously bugged by the notion that kids are not capable and need to be protected all the time. The best times I had were the times I was given the freedom to do things as a child. My younger brothers and I had a lot of fun times and a lot of them were at that pool. I have the fondest memories of that place.
I don't know what the pool rules are at my current pool of choice regarding unaccompanied kids, simply because it is far enough away without any sort of bus service that my kids will have to always go with me. Fortunately, they have a mama who loves to swim too (thanks to my childhood and spending those days at that pool), so we will go as often as possible. But I won't be standing next to them nor will I force them to wear a life jacket all the time. How can they learn to swim if they are always wearing a life jacket?
Somehow, kids have become incapable of doing things they could do on their own twenty years ago. Parents have helicoptered and hovered and overprotected to the point that kids no longer can do the same things at the same ages as they could in the past. They simply aren't ever allowed to try so they never develop the skill and are therefore not capable because we don't let them become capable.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I do have six kids...
This week I had a conversation with another mom. She said something like this, "You moms with lots of kids amaze me. I only have a few and it's insane at my house sometimes!"
Honey, it's insane at my house pretty much all the time. In fact, more often than not it is complete chaos. People seem to think I have everything under control with my six kids. It's true that I am an organized person. I thrive on discipline and routine. I like things to be clean. Not just hide-the-clutter-because-a-guest-is-coming-over clean. I like it white glove clean. I like the closets, under the beds, the spice cabinet, the medicine cabinet, and all those other hidden places to be organized and clean too. (Note: my house is not always this clean but I would love it to be this clean and strive to keep it as clean as I can.)
I scrubbed my baseboards, doors and door frames today because the little dark marks that are left by too many hands and feet were bothering me. After I was done, I felt I had accomplished something fantastic. Most likely, nobody will even notice anything is different, but it made me feel different to have it done. I felt cleaner, more organized, and more in control of my world.
I love the Bill Cosby routine where he talks about parents and justice. He talks about a crying child coming to a parent about a sibling taking a toy and how unfair it is. He says, "We don't care about justice! We just want quiet!" That is the story of my life.
I am nervous that you admire me. I want you to know, that as amazing as I may seem because I am juggling six kids, I am not all that amazing. I yell way too much. I sometimes hide in my closet.
I realize you probably look at me in awe because you struggle with your one, two or three. I struggled when I had one, two, and three. Parenting is grueling, exhausting, thanklessly difficult work that many people take for granted. Everyone has a parent. Many people who have never been a parent look back on their own parents and probably don't realize how taxing of a job it was. Maybe their parents made it look easy or made it look like the parenting aspect of everything they did was a side thing. I know I had such thoughts before I was a parent. Now, with my six, I admire my mom even more for all she did for us. I certainly didn't appreciate her at the time. But now I recognize that she probably gave up sleep, spent many nights and days worrying about us, gave up money by having more kids, and many, many other things.
I have six kids. That doesn't make me a parenting genius. The only thing that I am genius at is realizing how hard parenting is and how hard we sometimes make it for each other. We all have our strengths and weaknesses when it comes to parenting. Maybe some people don't keep a spotless house but some do. I have read articles pointing fingers at moms who do keep houses clean and implying that they must not be focused enough on their kids because their houses are so clean. If they're like me, they can't focus until the house is clean. Then they are much more relaxed and better at their job. Maybe some people keep a spotless house and can't understand how one can function in a home that's not clean. I know several moms who don't keep a clean house but they do amazing things with their kids and are much more relaxed about certain things than I am.
We are all different. We need to stop making parenting a competition and a war. Yes, we all should strive to do the best job possible, but my best job might look different than your best job.
So, mom with less than six kids, I may make it look easy because you struggle with three, and right now, three would be easier for me, but when I had three, I struggled with that too. We are on the same road. Let's help each other out along the way.
Honey, it's insane at my house pretty much all the time. In fact, more often than not it is complete chaos. People seem to think I have everything under control with my six kids. It's true that I am an organized person. I thrive on discipline and routine. I like things to be clean. Not just hide-the-clutter-because-a-guest-is-coming-over clean. I like it white glove clean. I like the closets, under the beds, the spice cabinet, the medicine cabinet, and all those other hidden places to be organized and clean too. (Note: my house is not always this clean but I would love it to be this clean and strive to keep it as clean as I can.)
I scrubbed my baseboards, doors and door frames today because the little dark marks that are left by too many hands and feet were bothering me. After I was done, I felt I had accomplished something fantastic. Most likely, nobody will even notice anything is different, but it made me feel different to have it done. I felt cleaner, more organized, and more in control of my world.
I love the Bill Cosby routine where he talks about parents and justice. He talks about a crying child coming to a parent about a sibling taking a toy and how unfair it is. He says, "We don't care about justice! We just want quiet!" That is the story of my life.
I am nervous that you admire me. I want you to know, that as amazing as I may seem because I am juggling six kids, I am not all that amazing. I yell way too much. I sometimes hide in my closet.
I realize you probably look at me in awe because you struggle with your one, two or three. I struggled when I had one, two, and three. Parenting is grueling, exhausting, thanklessly difficult work that many people take for granted. Everyone has a parent. Many people who have never been a parent look back on their own parents and probably don't realize how taxing of a job it was. Maybe their parents made it look easy or made it look like the parenting aspect of everything they did was a side thing. I know I had such thoughts before I was a parent. Now, with my six, I admire my mom even more for all she did for us. I certainly didn't appreciate her at the time. But now I recognize that she probably gave up sleep, spent many nights and days worrying about us, gave up money by having more kids, and many, many other things.
I have six kids. That doesn't make me a parenting genius. The only thing that I am genius at is realizing how hard parenting is and how hard we sometimes make it for each other. We all have our strengths and weaknesses when it comes to parenting. Maybe some people don't keep a spotless house but some do. I have read articles pointing fingers at moms who do keep houses clean and implying that they must not be focused enough on their kids because their houses are so clean. If they're like me, they can't focus until the house is clean. Then they are much more relaxed and better at their job. Maybe some people keep a spotless house and can't understand how one can function in a home that's not clean. I know several moms who don't keep a clean house but they do amazing things with their kids and are much more relaxed about certain things than I am.
We are all different. We need to stop making parenting a competition and a war. Yes, we all should strive to do the best job possible, but my best job might look different than your best job.
So, mom with less than six kids, I may make it look easy because you struggle with three, and right now, three would be easier for me, but when I had three, I struggled with that too. We are on the same road. Let's help each other out along the way.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Birthdays
We just celebrated two birthdays in our house. My baby girl just turned one year old last week and my youngest son just turned three the day before that.
Birthdays are kind of a big deal in our house. We let the birthday child choose their meals all day long. They often get to choose an activity to do as a family or have a birthday party. We do cake and ice cream and presents. The cake is their favorite part, I think (I could be wrong, but they sure get excited about it), because I always make a fun cake that has to do with something they are into right then. My three-year-old's cake was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cake of his favorite turtle--Michelangelo.
But my kids' birthdays are very special to me. They are close to my heart in a way that is different than they are for anyone else, even my husband.
Whenever one of my kids has a birthday, I reflect back on the actual day of their birth.
I remember how the labor began, what I was doing when it started.
I remember what the birth was like and what it was like when my baby was first placed in my arms.
All of the emotions I had at that time come flooding back, only they come flooding back as bittersweet because that time is gone and done. Bitter because I will not be experiencing the anticipation of the birth of my own children ever again nor feel the high of delivering that baby and seeing him or her for the first time in my arms. Sweet because I look back on those times very fondly, as the births of each of my six children were such beautiful, sweet, spiritual moments in my life.
And with each birthday, I think to myself, "It's been one year (or two years, or five years, or ten years) since I was in that hospital room in labor having that baby" and I remember that day and those feelings I had.
My children's birthdays may be exciting days for them, but they are such sweet, sweet days for me.
Now, let's see if you can guess which baby is which? 10 points if you get them all right! (They are in no sort of order, and let's be blunt--the first picture is quite obvious who it is--the hair!)
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Doing More Good
I apologize for my long absence. After having my daughter, I've been struggling with the adjustment to six kids, especially with one of them being a baby who constantly needs to be held.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and my contribution to the world. Certainly my six children are a contribution and I'm trying my best to raise them well. But I don't think I am doing all the good that I can do. I have too many distractions that keep me from fully being the person that I want to be.
I recently read several biographies of women from the mid-1800's. They were mothers of many children; one had sixteen! In addition to being mothers, they were involved in their communities. One of them opened her home to travelers; another helped with feeding and clothing the poor and needy. The reason I read these biographies was because they were posted as notable people of history for the city in which I live. Of the sixteen people that were honored on a wall at the city offices, three of them were women from that time period.
I have read much about women in history and how women were oppressed and not valued, etc. Today's women celebrate how much has changed for us--how we are able to do so many things that women in earlier times were not allowed to do. Almost all of these changes have been positive, but some of the fallout effects of these changes have not been.
Women in earlier times were typically "confined" to the home. They weren't allowed to work outside the home or vote or be public figures. Yet these women that were honored on this wall still did much good even without these opportunities. In fact, I'd like to argue that they did more good than most women who are in high career positions and in the public eye do today.
As I was reading these biographies, I was thinking about how I have all these freedoms and opportunities, yet I waste much time doing things that are not productive nor contribute much to my community or society. Yes, I am raising my kids, but I also waste a lot of time watching TV, puttering around on the Internet (reading articles, posting comments, connecting through Facebook). I think that these women had to work so hard just to keep their tables from being bare and their homes clean and kept up that they didn't have time for all the nonsense we have time for today.
This got me thinking about how I need to improve. We have so many modern conveniences that make our lives easier. We also invest our time in so many busy activities (carting kids around is something women then did not do--the kids worked alongside them and also had time to run free and play without supervision--another thing I could talk a whole lot more about another time). These activities aren't inherently bad, but are they really making our lives better?
After reading these biographies, I really felt like I needed to focus more on teaching my kids worthwhile things--like cooking skills and learning how to garden (I really don't know how) with them by my side. I need to write that book I've been wanting to write for a couple of decades now. I need to put more time and work into my community, most likely through PTA because helping at school is something I'm comfortable with and know how to do. I need to spend less time puttering around and more time serving and helping others and teaching my kids to do the same.
I need to do more good. I see many women doing good, but I wonder, with all the progress we've made, are women doing more good today than they were when their opportunities were more limited? In some ways, it doesn't seem like we are. I want to be a woman who really makes a contribution to the world.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and my contribution to the world. Certainly my six children are a contribution and I'm trying my best to raise them well. But I don't think I am doing all the good that I can do. I have too many distractions that keep me from fully being the person that I want to be.
I recently read several biographies of women from the mid-1800's. They were mothers of many children; one had sixteen! In addition to being mothers, they were involved in their communities. One of them opened her home to travelers; another helped with feeding and clothing the poor and needy. The reason I read these biographies was because they were posted as notable people of history for the city in which I live. Of the sixteen people that were honored on a wall at the city offices, three of them were women from that time period.
I have read much about women in history and how women were oppressed and not valued, etc. Today's women celebrate how much has changed for us--how we are able to do so many things that women in earlier times were not allowed to do. Almost all of these changes have been positive, but some of the fallout effects of these changes have not been.
Women in earlier times were typically "confined" to the home. They weren't allowed to work outside the home or vote or be public figures. Yet these women that were honored on this wall still did much good even without these opportunities. In fact, I'd like to argue that they did more good than most women who are in high career positions and in the public eye do today.
As I was reading these biographies, I was thinking about how I have all these freedoms and opportunities, yet I waste much time doing things that are not productive nor contribute much to my community or society. Yes, I am raising my kids, but I also waste a lot of time watching TV, puttering around on the Internet (reading articles, posting comments, connecting through Facebook). I think that these women had to work so hard just to keep their tables from being bare and their homes clean and kept up that they didn't have time for all the nonsense we have time for today.
This got me thinking about how I need to improve. We have so many modern conveniences that make our lives easier. We also invest our time in so many busy activities (carting kids around is something women then did not do--the kids worked alongside them and also had time to run free and play without supervision--another thing I could talk a whole lot more about another time). These activities aren't inherently bad, but are they really making our lives better?
After reading these biographies, I really felt like I needed to focus more on teaching my kids worthwhile things--like cooking skills and learning how to garden (I really don't know how) with them by my side. I need to write that book I've been wanting to write for a couple of decades now. I need to put more time and work into my community, most likely through PTA because helping at school is something I'm comfortable with and know how to do. I need to spend less time puttering around and more time serving and helping others and teaching my kids to do the same.
I need to do more good. I see many women doing good, but I wonder, with all the progress we've made, are women doing more good today than they were when their opportunities were more limited? In some ways, it doesn't seem like we are. I want to be a woman who really makes a contribution to the world.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Patience and Prayer
I must admit, this parenting thing is tricky. There are days when I watch my kids interact and can't for the life of me figure out why they don't get that things are so much easier when they are nice to each other. They make things so hard for themselves when they are mean. We have countless family home evening lessons on how to be nice to each other, why it's important, and everything, but they just. don't. seem. to. get. it.
Patience is something I'm learning with all of this. It takes great patience for me some days to grit my teeth and keep calm while trying to pry my fighting children off one another. It takes great patience when I have to, yet again, handle a screaming six-year-old because something didn't go exactly right for him, or the eight-year-old, for that matter. It takes great patience to bite my tongue and wait until a later time without the kids when I don't like how my husband handles the discipline. Like today when he made them sit in a time-out for forty-five minutes because of how wild they were when we had some house guests. Forty-five minutes is excessive for kids aged five to nine, especially when we spent the entire time quieting them.
I had an experience though. On Thursday this week, I had a fabulous day. I managed the tantrums and meltdowns of my children beautifully and got a lot done. We went to the DMV, the store, and the library. We did preschool and played some games. I picked them up from school and took them to piano lessons. I picked up my husband at the airport and came home and whipped up a last-minute dinner, even convincing myself to cook at home instead of stopping somewhere and picking something up. We got the kids to bed and I spent the evening sewing.
I thought back on why my day had gone so well. I figured out two reasons. The first was that I had gotten a decent amount of solid sleep the night before. That was partially due to the fact that my husband was out of town. His sleep apnea (he has actually been diagnosed and is going back in for more information and treatment!) and snoring keep me awake when my pregnant body doesn't. He was gone and I slept very well that night. That can't be duplicated most of the time and I wouldn't necessarily want it to be--him being out of town, that is--but I wouldn't mind separate bedrooms if we could ever do that (just for sleeping's sake!).
The second reason I think was that I had really said my prayers that morning. I have not been very good with praying most of my life. I find that I have a hard time really communicating with Heavenly Father and tend to follow more of a script. Or I find that I can spend the entire prayer asking for things without thanking for anything or the other way around. Or I forget what I really wanted to pray about and then remember later. So this year I decided that I needed to learn how to offer more sincere prayers and really focus on praying. Focusing on it is one of the harder parts for me because there is always so much going on around me, especially for morning prayers, so I often skip them altogether in the morning.
But Thursday, I really, really prayed. I focused on asking for guidance when faced with challenges my kids bring me and having the patience to communicate well with them. I think that helped a lot. The next day, Friday, I forgot about my morning prayers and proceeded to have one of the most awful days ever. As I reflect on those two days, I think I need to really work hard at having more sincere, consistent morning prayers.
Patience is something I'm learning with all of this. It takes great patience for me some days to grit my teeth and keep calm while trying to pry my fighting children off one another. It takes great patience when I have to, yet again, handle a screaming six-year-old because something didn't go exactly right for him, or the eight-year-old, for that matter. It takes great patience to bite my tongue and wait until a later time without the kids when I don't like how my husband handles the discipline. Like today when he made them sit in a time-out for forty-five minutes because of how wild they were when we had some house guests. Forty-five minutes is excessive for kids aged five to nine, especially when we spent the entire time quieting them.
I had an experience though. On Thursday this week, I had a fabulous day. I managed the tantrums and meltdowns of my children beautifully and got a lot done. We went to the DMV, the store, and the library. We did preschool and played some games. I picked them up from school and took them to piano lessons. I picked up my husband at the airport and came home and whipped up a last-minute dinner, even convincing myself to cook at home instead of stopping somewhere and picking something up. We got the kids to bed and I spent the evening sewing.
I thought back on why my day had gone so well. I figured out two reasons. The first was that I had gotten a decent amount of solid sleep the night before. That was partially due to the fact that my husband was out of town. His sleep apnea (he has actually been diagnosed and is going back in for more information and treatment!) and snoring keep me awake when my pregnant body doesn't. He was gone and I slept very well that night. That can't be duplicated most of the time and I wouldn't necessarily want it to be--him being out of town, that is--but I wouldn't mind separate bedrooms if we could ever do that (just for sleeping's sake!).
The second reason I think was that I had really said my prayers that morning. I have not been very good with praying most of my life. I find that I have a hard time really communicating with Heavenly Father and tend to follow more of a script. Or I find that I can spend the entire prayer asking for things without thanking for anything or the other way around. Or I forget what I really wanted to pray about and then remember later. So this year I decided that I needed to learn how to offer more sincere prayers and really focus on praying. Focusing on it is one of the harder parts for me because there is always so much going on around me, especially for morning prayers, so I often skip them altogether in the morning.
But Thursday, I really, really prayed. I focused on asking for guidance when faced with challenges my kids bring me and having the patience to communicate well with them. I think that helped a lot. The next day, Friday, I forgot about my morning prayers and proceeded to have one of the most awful days ever. As I reflect on those two days, I think I need to really work hard at having more sincere, consistent morning prayers.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I Am a Mom
I am a mom. That means that my days are not mine. My time is not mine.
However, I wouldn't have it any other way right now. This is the life I chose to have. My power to make a difference in the lives of my children is immeasurable.
Some day my children will be grown. They will talk about their childhood. What will they remember?
Will they remember me being there, present in their lives? Or will they remember me being too busy with other things, things that are much more trivial?
When I chose to have children, I chose to give up some of myself for them. I chose to put someone else's needs before my own. I chose to make their lives a priority in my life.
I need to remind myself of these commitments, these obligations. There are days when I spend too much time watching TV. There are days when I spend too much time on the Internet. There are days when I spend too much time reading a book. I need to take more time each day with my kids as I realize this time is fleeting.
I am a mom.
However, I wouldn't have it any other way right now. This is the life I chose to have. My power to make a difference in the lives of my children is immeasurable.
Some day my children will be grown. They will talk about their childhood. What will they remember?
Will they remember me being there, present in their lives? Or will they remember me being too busy with other things, things that are much more trivial?
When I chose to have children, I chose to give up some of myself for them. I chose to put someone else's needs before my own. I chose to make their lives a priority in my life.
I need to remind myself of these commitments, these obligations. There are days when I spend too much time watching TV. There are days when I spend too much time on the Internet. There are days when I spend too much time reading a book. I need to take more time each day with my kids as I realize this time is fleeting.
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Ultimate Bully
My children learn a curriculum about once a month at their school called "Bully Blockers". I don't really know what they talk about in that, and I'm doing more research to find out, but last week there was a news story about another young man who had taken his own life (twelve years old) due to bullying. So I decided to talk to my kids.
"What do you learn about in Bully Blockers?" I asked.
Mostly it was about how bullying was bad and how they need to be nice. All good stuff. However, my biggest concern is that my child will be bullied and not have the strength to get through it, that in being bullied, like this twelve-year-old, they will not be confident enough in themselves and will believe the bully and consider the worst.
So we took the conversation in a different direction. After all, bullies have been around since the beginning, and because of that, I decided to go back to the beginning.
"Do you know what happened before we came to Earth?" I asked.
My kids mumbled different answers. So I reminded them of the Primary song I Lived in Heaven. We sang it and talked about the words. This is what I told them.
We lived in Heaven before we came here. Heavenly Father had a plan for us to come to Earth and get a physical body so we could progress and then someday return to Him. He needed someone to help with this plan, to be a Savior. Lucifer volunteered, only he wanted to make sure EVERYONE came back by forcing us. Jesus also volunteered, but wanted to let us have free agency. (We had a little side conversation on free agency).
Heavenly Father wanted us to have free agency and Lucifer (Satan) wanted to force us. So a war broke out. Some people followed Satan and others followed Heavenly Father. In the end, Satan lost and his punishment was that he could never be born and have a body, and all of his followers got the same punishment. And they were cast out of Heaven.
Then I told them, "You are on Earth because you followed Heavenly Father. If you had followed Satan, you wouldn't have been born. Just the fact that you were born means that you followed Heavenly Father."
"Do you know what this means? It means that you fought Satan in the pre-existence and won."
They all look at me, realization sinking in.
Then my 6-year-old shouts, "We fought the ultimate bully and beat him!"
And I tell them, "You need to remember that, if you are ever bullied, that you are strong enough to withstand it because you have already fought the ultimate bully and won!"
Think about that. I hope to teach my children their value in the eyes of God. Like the book, You Are Special, by Max Lucado, that it only matters what God thinks of them and He already thinks they are pretty special. Their self-worth and a more eternal perspective will be what strengthens them when in a situation of difficulty. I just hope that I can teach them this when they are young and it will stay with them as they grow.
Satan is the ultimate bully and they have already beat him once. That is a pretty powerful thought.
Friday, January 18, 2013
A Family Community
I have been reading the book, The Entitlement Trap, by Richard and Linda Eyre. Chapter Three, Giving Your Children Ownership and Equity in Your Family, is very enlightening. In it, they talk about how important it is to give your children a strong identity. They talk about how this identity comes from their roots, their families. Kids need to be able to identify with their families and have connections with them. The Eyres give quite a few ideas on how to instill these connections in your children. For example, by having strong family traditions (holidays and regular practices), developing a family culture and infrastructure, having weekly family meetings, family laws, and family mission statements, etc.
I have been watching a weekly show recently called Teen Trouble. In this reality show, a young man named Josh, who was a troubled teen himself, is now a teen behavior specialist and goes around to troubled teens and their families and helps direct them on the right path again and straighten out their lives. One common thread I've noticed between the teens who've been highlighted is the fact that their family life failed them somehow. Their parents clearly love them and have always loved them, but they never built this family "infrastructure", this family identity that the Eyres talk about in their book.
As I've pondered this, I've realized that there are many things about LDS culture that contribute to this family identity and that we can use to our benefit to really strengthen our families. I always knew that things like Family Home Evening and family scripture study and prayer were infinitely important. However, I never thought about it quite this deeply before, about how these three things contribute so very greatly to family connectedness and to really strengthening family bonds. I never thought about how through these family bonds, kids can grow up in such a secure way, really feeling part of something.
I remember having a few Family Home Evening lessons on family unity, but I think I missed the point back then. I understand it so much better now, even better as I'm reading this book. Families are so important to the emotional and mental health of children and that is quite evident as we watch the current trend of the breakdown of the family, starting with a sort of anti-marriage sentiment that is sweeping through modern culture. If Satan can make marriage seem trite, then families will be less important, and then individuals can be more easily torn apart.
Family is the basic unit of society and a unit that can be eternal. It's no wonder why. Heavenly Father sure knew what He was doing when He organized us into families.
I have been watching a weekly show recently called Teen Trouble. In this reality show, a young man named Josh, who was a troubled teen himself, is now a teen behavior specialist and goes around to troubled teens and their families and helps direct them on the right path again and straighten out their lives. One common thread I've noticed between the teens who've been highlighted is the fact that their family life failed them somehow. Their parents clearly love them and have always loved them, but they never built this family "infrastructure", this family identity that the Eyres talk about in their book.
As I've pondered this, I've realized that there are many things about LDS culture that contribute to this family identity and that we can use to our benefit to really strengthen our families. I always knew that things like Family Home Evening and family scripture study and prayer were infinitely important. However, I never thought about it quite this deeply before, about how these three things contribute so very greatly to family connectedness and to really strengthening family bonds. I never thought about how through these family bonds, kids can grow up in such a secure way, really feeling part of something.
I remember having a few Family Home Evening lessons on family unity, but I think I missed the point back then. I understand it so much better now, even better as I'm reading this book. Families are so important to the emotional and mental health of children and that is quite evident as we watch the current trend of the breakdown of the family, starting with a sort of anti-marriage sentiment that is sweeping through modern culture. If Satan can make marriage seem trite, then families will be less important, and then individuals can be more easily torn apart.
We like to have a fancy family meal on Valentine's Day, either breakfast or dinner..
Family is the basic unit of society and a unit that can be eternal. It's no wonder why. Heavenly Father sure knew what He was doing when He organized us into families.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Mary
Every Christmas since becoming a mother, I've reflected on what it must have been like to be the mother of Jesus. I think about all the things mothers face, both temporal and spiritual.
Temporally, we deal with dirty diapers, wiping runny noses, endless sleepless nights, endless piles of laundry, food preparation, and other household duties. We manage chaos, quell fights between siblings, and try to teach them to be good people. We hug our children when they are tired and crying, we kiss away the pain when they hurt themselves.
Did Mary do all these things? What was Jesus like as a child, I mean, really like? Was he ALWAYS good? I mean, he was perfect, so it seems right to assume that he was perfect as a child too. Does that mean that he never cried? Or did he cry when he fell down and got hurt?
Spiritually, we are to guide our children to make righteous choices. Jesus was perfect. How much guiding did Mary need to do when Jesus was a young child? Was the veil closed to him at a young age? Or was it always open?
What was it like?
Ever since having my kids and realizing the difficulty of raising them, I often ponder on this topic during the Christmas season and what a beautiful thing it is to be a mother.
Friday, November 30, 2012
You Are Special
We have the board book version of You Are Special which is a more concise version of the Max Lucado book. Almost every day I read this to my 20-month-old at naptime, and almost every day, I tear up while I'm reading it to him.
The first time I read this book while in college, it really gave me food for thought. Self-esteem is something I've struggled with my whole life, and I still do. I don't like how I look, I often feel very incompetent in everything I try to do, and I compare myself to others all the time and always find myself coming up short, no matter what I'm comparing.
Reading this book every day to my child has helped me reflect on this concept. It's a constant reminder to me that I need to not let what I perceive others to think about me matter so much. And every day that I read it, I get choked up because of this reminder.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Childhood, Then and Now
Yesterday evening as I was driving back to my house with all my kids after dropping off something to my husband at work, I saw a car cross the intersection in front of me. It was a convertible and the people in it appeared to be a father with his tween-age daughter and her friend. It was early evening, around 5:30, so it was still light and warm. I had a serious flashback to when I was about that age and I went to spend the night at a friend's house. We went to dinner with her dad and he took us in his convertible. The memory was so thick that I had a bit of a hard time returning my focus to the road; it took someone honking behind me to remind me that I wasn't one of those young girls in the convertible but just a mom with a minivan full of kids trying to get home in late afternoon traffic to eat some dinner.
Lately, I've been having these types of memories of childhood. Not all of my childhood, just the part of my childhood that I spent living in Texas. I had some really great experiences there as a kid and then again as an early teen. I lived there from the age of four until I was almost nine, then we moved away for almost three years (Connecticut for a little over a year and Utah for a little over a year). We moved back the summer that I was eleven and were there until after I turned sixteen.
I yearn for those days. Not that I want to repeat them necessarily, but I wish that my children could have the same type of childhood I had. These days it's a huge feat if you can let your kids go to the park alone, but back then, we played outside all day, riding bikes all over the neighborhood and all the other kids were outside too. We had a creek behind our house and we would walk the creek as a shortcut to get to the neighborhood pool. We would spend hours every day in the summer at the neighborhood pool without our parents, playing with all our school friends and hanging out.
I loved too how the school we attended had a strong arts program--we went to art class once a week and studied influential artists from history and the elements of art. We made pottery and painted with watercolors. We went to music class once a week and learned about rhythm and beat and how to sing, like really sing. We also had P.E., real P.E. where we learned the rules of the different sports and practiced skills pertaining to the sports. Now, kids are lucky if they even have P.E. and usually it consists of games or little exercise routines. The only way the kids can learn sports these days is by signing up and paying money to play it through a city or community program. No more sandlot baseball games or playing soccer after school at the school field.
I think this is why I try so hard to work with my kids during the summer months. We go outside and play soccer, baseball, basketball, and football. I've already tried a couple of times to organize a kickball game with all the neighborhood kids (although "kickball" here in Utah now is a weird game that they play with two lines facing each other and kicking the ball back and forth, not the kickball I grew up playing). I haven't yet succeeded in generating enough interest, but one of these days, I'll get it done.
I just wish my kids could have some of the same great experiences I had growing up. I know they'll have some great ones of their own, but I guess I worry that because of the way the world is now, where kids are so sheltered (sheltered from the good and real experiences, but exposed to a lot of crap they shouldn't be exposed to) and lots of adults don't think kids are capable of much, that they won't have the same types of opportunities that I had. I know I need to stop worrying about it and just let them live, but when I think back to those golden years of my childhood, I can't help but feel like they are missing out on something.
Lately, I've been having these types of memories of childhood. Not all of my childhood, just the part of my childhood that I spent living in Texas. I had some really great experiences there as a kid and then again as an early teen. I lived there from the age of four until I was almost nine, then we moved away for almost three years (Connecticut for a little over a year and Utah for a little over a year). We moved back the summer that I was eleven and were there until after I turned sixteen.
I yearn for those days. Not that I want to repeat them necessarily, but I wish that my children could have the same type of childhood I had. These days it's a huge feat if you can let your kids go to the park alone, but back then, we played outside all day, riding bikes all over the neighborhood and all the other kids were outside too. We had a creek behind our house and we would walk the creek as a shortcut to get to the neighborhood pool. We would spend hours every day in the summer at the neighborhood pool without our parents, playing with all our school friends and hanging out.
I loved too how the school we attended had a strong arts program--we went to art class once a week and studied influential artists from history and the elements of art. We made pottery and painted with watercolors. We went to music class once a week and learned about rhythm and beat and how to sing, like really sing. We also had P.E., real P.E. where we learned the rules of the different sports and practiced skills pertaining to the sports. Now, kids are lucky if they even have P.E. and usually it consists of games or little exercise routines. The only way the kids can learn sports these days is by signing up and paying money to play it through a city or community program. No more sandlot baseball games or playing soccer after school at the school field.
I think this is why I try so hard to work with my kids during the summer months. We go outside and play soccer, baseball, basketball, and football. I've already tried a couple of times to organize a kickball game with all the neighborhood kids (although "kickball" here in Utah now is a weird game that they play with two lines facing each other and kicking the ball back and forth, not the kickball I grew up playing). I haven't yet succeeded in generating enough interest, but one of these days, I'll get it done.
I just wish my kids could have some of the same great experiences I had growing up. I know they'll have some great ones of their own, but I guess I worry that because of the way the world is now, where kids are so sheltered (sheltered from the good and real experiences, but exposed to a lot of crap they shouldn't be exposed to) and lots of adults don't think kids are capable of much, that they won't have the same types of opportunities that I had. I know I need to stop worrying about it and just let them live, but when I think back to those golden years of my childhood, I can't help but feel like they are missing out on something.
My youngest brother and I when I was about fourteen and he was about six.
Youth Conference in Texas, me with three friends. (I'm the one in the orange shirt, in case you couldn't tell)
Me with my best friend from church right before a stake youth dance. Those dances were the best. We had one tri-stake dance each Saturday for three Saturdays every month, rotating stake centers. We tried to go to every single one, too.
Me with two of my friends from school--the one in the polka dots was my best friend from school (she was the one whose dad had the convertible). This was the last week of eighth or ninth grade, I can't remember which.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Keeping My Kids Busy
Often I am asked how I keep my kids busy in the summer.
When I was a kid, my mother did not keep me busy in the summer and I have actually grown to think that this "how to keep the kids busy all summer" is a relatively new concept that falls in line with the new method of helicopter parenting and mollycoddling your kids so they develop no independence or imagination of their own. If we said we were bored, my mother put us to work doing some horribly loathsome chore, like cleaning out the garage or weeding the entire garden, so we learned to never complain about boredom. When I was a kid, we spent our summers playing with each other, reading, going for bike rides in our neighborhood. Sometimes we'd all go swimming as a family but in one of our houses, we got a membership to a neighborhood pool and back then, kids were allowed to go without a parent as long as we were eight years old or older and passed a swim test. The swim test consisted of swimming a certain amount of laps (I think it was three), treading water for one minute, and diving from the side of the deep end of the pool to retrieve something at the bottom of the deep end. Once we passed, we got our own little pass to the pool and we could come without our parents. My brothers and I spent every day, all day, at that pool the summers of 1990, 1991, 1992, and 1993. It'd be interesting to find out if they have such a swim test now. If they do, I'll bet the age has changed to older, but I'd honestly be surprised if they have such a swim test now, given the hysterical paranoia of many of today's parents.
Since I obviously can't send my kids to the pool on their own (and even if they had a pool around here that had the same regulations only one of my kids would be old enough to go on his own), and in today's world, we can't just kick them out of the house at 9 am and tell them to be home for dinner at 6 pm, it does end up falling on our shoulders as parents to keep them busy.
I'm lucky that my kids have been independent and entertaining themselves since they were little. I attribute this to the fact that I'm not the coddling sort of mother--I kind of have a bigger personal space and never really wanted my kids climbing on my lap and bothering me, so from the time they were walking, I've been telling them to go away and find something else to do. Very nurturing, I know, but when it comes to summer break, I really don't have to do much to keep them entertained.
They like to create works of art and stories galore. My oldest will spend hours piecing together instruction manuals for Lego sets that he creates out of the Legos we own or he'll make a book of facts about dragons that he comes up with on his own. Then he'll take his books and get the other kids together and they will use the information to build a giant Lego city or to track and hunt dragons. Lately, they're obsessed with Indiana Jones (courtesy of our Wii game, Lego Indiana Jones) and they found some cheap Indiana Jones-type hats at Hobby Lobby. They'll spend hours playing Indiana Jones, using the rope that I got when I made Jedi costumes for them a couple of summers ago as a whip. So really, them needing me to entertain them isn't really an issue. Oh, and I also let them play outside unsupervised, so that's another thing they do all the time--ride their bikes and play Indiana Jones outside.
I do actually have a routine that I stick with and some expectations for them regarding summer learning and chores and things, which I will share in another post, but I like to make sure they have lots of free time to stretch their imaginations. I think that is a really important part of childhood that a lot of parents forget about or don't think is very important anymore and lots of kids end up so scheduled with structured activities that they never develop this ability to entertain themselves and be creative. This is one of the reasons I love summer--my kids have more time to do this than they have during the school year.
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