I need to start writing again. I have missed it a lot. Since we moved to Texas, I haven't been able to get my life in order enough to take time out for me to write. I need to do this.
Writing is an outlet for me. Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is. We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19. We have also been having protests due to racial inequality. I really have no desire to get political. I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way. So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.
The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born. He is now four years old. Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move. I still regret moving. I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here. But I need to start looking for these things.
Coronavirus has rocked my world. My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it. I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school. But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them. And for me, to be quite honest. One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics. Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me. It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that! But I really missed that final band concert. That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year! I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it. Same with those choir concerts.
Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work. I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids. That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered. Same with teaching piano. No piano recital, no lessons since March. I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform. I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me. It was too frustrating for me and my students. I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching. Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that. So that has changed our world. At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss. His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well. And not looking to improve any time soon.
I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away! That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months. That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall. I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.
If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it. But I don't want that kind of life. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have. So I struggle.
I'm going to try to start writing again. Sometimes I will vent my frustrations. Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids. That's all that matters to me right now.
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