New Goal

Last month as I was cleaning out the stack of magazines we keep in the bathroom, I realized that I have not been reading the monthly issues of our church's magazines that we still subscribe to.  I like to have paper copies because I like to be able to flip through them and see what catches my attention.  It's easier that way than looking at a small box on a screen with the title of the article on it.  The graphics catch my attention more than the title usually.  But I hadn't been reading them.  So I went through the stack and found that I had a couple years' worth of the magazine.  I cleaned it all out, put back the most recent copies and made a stack of the magazine for all of 2019 by my bed.  It has been my goal to read each issue from cover to cover.  I'm doing this at as rapid of a pace as I can because I want to catch up to the current month.  Of course, with each month that passes, I will have one more magazine to read before I catch up to where we are.  And then, my new goal will be to read them from cover to cover as they come out.

Since I made that goal, I have read through four issues in about a month's time.  There have been many articles that have truly jumped out and spoken to me and been absolutely something I needed to read.  Other articles I haven't read as deeply, just skimmed.  After reading the fourth magazine, which had quite a few very deep, poignant articles in relation to my struggles in life, I decided that I needed to journal all of this reading.  So I pulled out the journal I have set aside for scripture study, which is mostly empty  (I have a very hard time just reading scriptures; I need direction with my reading!), and decided to catalog all of the articles that have jumped out at me.  I feel like writing things down will help me remember the instructions I receive and the impressions I feel and better apply them in my life. 

This is my new goal.  I needed to share it in order to really make it real.

Loving Our Babies

I just love this squishy little guy.  I admit, I had a hard time during my pregnancy with the idea that I was having another child.  I love my children and I knew I would love this baby too, but I really didn't want any more kids because I was already feeling quite overwhelmed with the six I had plus my sixth is a major handful and there are many, many days that I wish I could put her in a strait jacket.

But this chunk of chubbiness has absolutely stolen my heart (for the seventh time).  He is just such a sweet baby.  He's happy almost all the time and so fascinated by the world around him.  He loves his Spider-man and several other toys to the point that when we show him the toy, he gets excited and laughs and waves his hands around.  I absolutely love listening to the older kids making him laugh--it has to be one of my most favorite sounds in the world.

With this baby, I have done a lot of thinking.  It seems these days that hardly a day goes by without some news story popping up on my social media feed about some parent or step-parent or boyfriend of a mom abusing some baby or toddler.  These stories break my heart and make me feel both sad and angry at the same time. 

There are times when my little one won't stop crying and fussing.  He's sick or tired or hungry or bored or all of the above.  He wants my undivided attention, which is often hard to give him with all the chaos in our house.  There are times that his cries are maddening to listen to, but then when I pick him up to see what he might need, he instantly calms.  His chubby little hands grip my arm or my neck or my face and he pulls me close and gives me a slobbery tongue kiss (yes, that's what I call it because he sticks his tongue out, but I'm pretty certain he's trying to kiss us). 

He relies on us for EVERYTHING.  These little ones come to us not even able to hold up their own heads or control their own bodies.  Unlike other animals in the animal kingdom, human babies are completely reliant on their parents to take care of them.  They have to be held, fed, and changed.  They have to have social interaction to learn social cues and develop an understanding of human emotions and behavior.  Other animals can find their own food, walk on their own, and aren't as reliant on the parent for as long when they are babies.  But human babies take a year or more to learn to walk, months to hold up their heads, roll around, scoot and crawl.  Even grasping small items takes months and feeding themselves can take more than a year, sometimes two.

Why do you suppose that these little humans come to us with such neediness?  I have always believed (ever since I took a child development class in college) that human babies come to us this way to force us to love them and care for them and learn to serve them.  If they came to us already doing all those things, we could easily let them fend for themselves, but because they rely on us for everything, we are forced to take care of them. 

Every time I start to feel annoyed or anxious because I don't know why my baby is fussing, I try to remember that he just needs me.  There will be a time he won't need me as much but right now, I can hold him in my rocking chair during the night if he has an upset tummy and let him sleep on my shoulder.  I can snuggle with him instead of washing the dishes because he needs me right then.  He needs a diaper change, a bottle, or just to be held and played with, so it's my job as his parent to provide that for him.  When I chose to have a child, I chose to be his caretaker and provider and make sure that he has what he needs from me.  Heavenly Father intended it to be this way.  It's all part of His plan.

And who can resist?  Look at those chubby cheeks and fat little hands!

More the Same than Different

I am Mormon.  I was born and raised in the LDS Church, aka the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I have never been secretive about this fact.  I may not go around openly proclaiming it all the time, but when asked directly what church I go to, I have always been open about it.  My kids are too. 

In recent years, especially with the candidacy of Mitt Romney for president, I have seen a lot of hateful rhetoric spewed about Mormons.  I've frequented blogs by women of other faiths whom I admire only to find they are critical and downright rude about Mormons, to the point where I've found myself defending our church in the comments sections of these blogs.  The thing is, most of the blogs I have read belong to members of other Christian sects.  The writers have a lot of opinions and ideas similar to mine, which is why I would frequent the blogs.  I don't know if these Christian women even realize how we are so similar because often, when Mormonism comes up, they are very hostile towards our church.  They probably don't even realize how many LDS women follow their blogs.

I have always wanted to start a blog with a fellow Christian who is not a Mormon to show that we have a lot of similar beliefs and ideals and to show how our common ground could give us strength together.  I have never had that chance, mostly because most of the time, when one of these women finds out I'm Mormon, I am automatically shunned from their world.  I find this so sad because we have a lot in common.  Especially when Mitt Romney was running and many other Christians claimed they could  never vote for him because he was a Mormon.  They completely disregarded anything he stood for and just because he held different beliefs about the nature of God and what we Mormons call the Godhead, they couldn't find anything else in his platform they could agree with because they heard "Mormon" and stopped looking.  So I would like to talk about the similarities we have.

To begin with, let's dispel with the three great differences between Mormons and many other Christian sects.  First, we believe that God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three separate and distinctly different beings who are unified in purpose.  Many other Christan sects believe that they are all one and the same being, The Trinity.  This just does not make sense to me, but even with that different belief, we can still agree that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World. 

Second, other Christians claim that Mormons do not believe in being saved by grace.  That is absolutely untrue.  The fact is there is a great deal misunderstood about grace, but we do believe in being saved by grace.  It is only through the grace of Jesus Christ that we can attain salvation.  However, that doesn't mean we can live depraved lives, making terrible choices, and still be saved because we proclaim we believe in Jesus Christ.  We do  have to try our best to be good and do good things throughout our lives.  But despite being wonderful, without the grace of Jesus Christ, we could not be saved.  That is what it means that we are a gospel of works. 

Third, the whole fact that we have another book that we call scripture in addition to the Bible is a disputing point for other Christians.  We simply believe that our Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ.  We also believe the Bible and adhere to its teachings as well.  How bad can we be when we claim to have more to know about Jesus Christ and his mission? 

So, there you have it.  The three doctrinal points that get other Christian sects all riled up about Mormonism.  There are other differences we have with individual sects that they also have with each other.  For example, infant baptism and/or baptism by immersion.  Some baptize by sprinkling, others by immersion, most believe in infant baptism, but we do not.  However, I have in my possession a list of doctrinal points that vary sect by sect and there are many that disagree with each other on many points, including the Mormons. 

But I prefer to focus on what we have in common.

Most people of faith believe the Ten Commandments and try to teach them to their children.  Mormons do this, Catholics do this, Baptists do this, and many other sects.  We believe that adultery is wrong, we believe in honoring parents, in not killing, etc. 

Most people of faith are trying to teach their children to live moral, upright lives.  Depending on the level of their commitment, this may mean no sex until marriage for many of them.  Mormons certainly believe that. 

Many people of faith agree that same sex marriage is wrong and distorts God's plan for families.  Many people of faith agree that abortion is evil.  Many people of faith believe there is value in having a mother be a homemaker and teaching boys to treat girls with respect and girls to treat boys with respect.  Many people of faith understand that pornography is evil and the effect it has on the minds of those who view and fight against it.

In a lot of ways, I am similar to my non-Mormon, but religious, mother peers in that I am trying to teach my boys to be respectful of women and to be honorable and valiant young men.  I am trying to teach my daughters to be modest and to believe in their worth as a daughter of God.  I am trying to teach my children that using profanity is not a good way of communication.  I am trying to teach my children that Heavenly Father loves His children and that they each have individual worth only because they are God's child.  I'm trying to teach my children to love one another, to succor one another in their trials, to be kind to everyone they meet, and to follow Jesus Christ. 

We may not agree on every doctrinal point, but we can agree that we are trying to teach our children to follow Jesus Christ and be like Him.  We want them to live moral lives, to contribute to society, to become good mothers and fathers who will lead their own children in the direction of light.  We are more the same than different on a lot of issues.  We believe in strong families and commitment to God.  We believe in righteousness and service.  I really hope that someday we can all come together and recognize our similarities and see them as a strength that binds us together instead of the differences in doctrine that divide us. 

Need Someone To Talk To? There is One Who is Always There...

Friday night was a rough night.  My husband was working the night shift (which goes from around 4 p.m. to about 2:30 a.m.) and I had a rough time getting the kids to bed.  My oldest child, age eleven, was out with a friend (he had been invited to go with that friend for his birthday to an amusement park).  My ten-year-old, who is the second oldest, had been a big help that evening.  He had cleaned up the dinner dishes, helped the seven-year-old with her weekly chore of picking up the dog poop in the backyard, had changed the poopy diaper of the two-year-old and helped the four-year-old with going to the bathroom before bed all while I was attending to other children and problems.  After the younger kids, ages eight and under, were in bed, I was rewarding the ten-year-old with a turn playing Minecraft on my Kindle Fire and having a bowl of ice cream when the eleven-year-old walked in.

He eagerly began to tell me about his day at the amusement park and then he saw the ice cream and asked for a bowl.  Now, I had just given the last of the carton to the ten-year-old, so I explained that his brother had been such a huge help to me that night and was being rewarded for his efforts.  This sent the eleven-year-old into a preteen tantrum about how unfair life is and how he never gets anything he wants (hmmm...he just spent the entire day at the amusement park and I had even checked him out of school early to go).  He thundered up the stairs, grumbled as he took his shower and grumbled as he went to bed.  The ten-year-old finished his treat and turn on the device and went to bed.  I then went and took a bath, feeling quite disgruntled.

I sat in the tub, mulling over how things could have gone differently.  This oldest child of mine is a whirlwind of emotion.  I'd like to say that it's because of the preteen hormones and all that, but he's always been like this.  We have never been ones to give in to whims or bombard our kids with all sorts of unnecessary but fun activities and toys (they have to earn their time on the Kindle Fire, for example, and we only have the one device, the Kindle Fire, which I got for Christmas just this last year).  I don't know where this spoiled sense of entitlement comes from.  I was frustrated and alone, since Husband was at work.  I couldn't even call him to vent because he just doesn't have the kind of job where you can call unless it's really urgent.  My mom wasn't answering her phone and it was too late to call most everyone else.  I just needed to talk to someone about my frustrations with this child!

Then it hit me.  I needed to pray.  Heavenly Father is always available when I need someone to talk to and it was just what was needed.  As I voiced my frustration and prayed for understanding and the ability to communicate and teach this child, I felt my resentment and anger towards him melt away.  Not only was I able to refill my spiritual cup, which I desperately needed, but I was able to have my heart softened toward my child and I felt like I could still reach him, whereas before, I just felt a sense of utter and total failure. 

I need to remember this, that my Heavenly Father is always available to listen and often, the best choice in someone to vent my frustrations to and seek an ally.  I still talked to my husband when he got home from work around 3 a.m. and told him what had happened and how I handled it.  I also told him about my inspiration to pray and he agreed that we should both pray more often for help with our kids.  After all, Heavenly Father knows our child better than we do and sometimes just putting it all out there in His hands helps us think through how best to approach a situation. 

Prayer is such a beautiful gift that we have, a way to communicate with one who truly knows and loves us. 

Change

There was a country song that played on the radio when I was in high school.  I never knew the artist, but I remember the chorus:

"The only thing that stays the same is
everything changes, everything changes.
Time marches on."

I am notoriously bad at change.  I don't like it, even if it's something very small.  My kids had to switch schools this year due to a boundary re-alignment in the school district.  You'd have thought my world was ending with how I handled it.  My kids...they were fine.  They already knew kids at the new school.  In fact, the boundary change was really for our benefit.  Since we moved here, the kids have gone to a different school than the majority of kids in the ward because of the wonky school boundary.  The change made sense, but I didn't like it.  We had been at that school for five years and it was a great school.  Nevermind that the other school was just as good.  I could only see the negatives.  The other school didn't have band.  Nevermind that I could just take my kids to the band at the old school.  Now that I am facing an even bigger change, an out-of-state move, only five months into the school year, I am realizing how stupid that all was.  I am really thick-headed sometimes.

Tonight I was driving home from a Thanksgiving dinner celebrated with my brother's family and his wife's family.  As I arrived at my house, the movie was still playing in the car DVD player and there was only a few minutes left, so I drove around the block to get to the end of the movie.  As I did so, I looked around at the neighborhood that I have grown to love. 

I realized that the majority of people who lived in this neighborhood when we first moved here no longer live in the neighborhood.  They moved on.  Most of them didn't move out of state, I'll grant you that, but they moved on despite the good school and the good ward and the good friends.  So why am I having such a hard time with it?

I have wanted to move back to Texas ever since I moved away from Texas in 1994.  Twenty years ago.  For twenty years I have been daydreaming about how great it would be to live in Texas.  But I've come to realize that all I ever had was a dream.  I didn't realize that in the time I'd left Texas, I had become a Utah girl at heart.  I had a hard time moving back to Utah, on the outside.  I put up a fight.  But on the inside, I think I was secretly glad to be back in Utah.  It's comfortable here.  The people are nice.  I really, really love how easy it is to access the LDS Church here in Utah.  I love the access to temples, the access to Salt Lake City, the access to BYU (Women's Conference, Aspen Grove Marriage Retreat, etc.).  I love how on Sundays, FM100 plays "Soft Sunday Sounds"--religious music, most of it made by Mormon songwriters and singers.  Driving along I-15 from Provo to Riverton at night, I pass four temples that I can see clearly from the freeway (Mt. Timpanogos, Draper, Jordan River, Oquirrh Mountain).  And the mountains!  Oh how I will miss these mountains!  I have lived in the mountainous west longer than I ever lived in Texas.  What was I thinking?

I know that Texas is a good place to live and there are great people there too, but I am broken-hearted about leaving this place that I have grown to really love.  And somewhat annoyed at myself for not having realized how I love it until it was too late and we were set to leave. 

Utah, you've been a good friend.  I will no longer be ashamed to say I have lived here.  I used to think it was better to tell people I was from Texas than Utah, but I no longer feel that way.  I will now tell people I am from Utah.  After all, I was born here.

Change, how I loathe you.  But I realize that things can't stay the same forever, as much as I wish they would.  Change is inevitable.  It's a fact of life.

My Brothers

I have five brothers.  This has been a source of both pride and disappointment throughout my life.  I have always enjoyed telling people that I have five brothers and no sisters.  That automatically paints me as someone who is pretty tough and also someone who has people watching her back.  I do wish that I had sisters, and that is where the disappointment lies, but that is another story for another day.  I fall in the middle with two older and three younger.

This picture was taken four days before my oldest brother Jordan was killed in a car accident.  There aren't a whole lot of pictures of just me and my brothers, especially since we all grew up.  I insisted on having this picture taken at our recent family reunion.  I'm very glad I did.


My relationship with each of my brothers is very unique.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I love all my brothers though.  I have often told people stories of what it was like growing up with five boys.  I have often shared, with pride, the accomplishments of my brothers.  They are all, indeed, great men.  I admire each of them for different reasons. 

But of all my brothers, the only one who ever expressed this same kind of appreciation to me by telling me of his appreciation and sharing his admiration of me with others was Jordan.  Not one of my other brothers ever told me that I looked beautiful, but Jordan did.  Not one of them (to my knowledge) ever told anyone about me with pride that I was his sister, but Jordan did.  I didn't even realize he did as often as he did until after his death.  I have had many, many people that knew him, but not me, tell me how he spoke of me often and how he admired me.

When I was in first grade, Jordan was in fourth grade.  We had recess at the same time.  He introduced me to some of the girls in his class.  Those girls continued to be kind to me, even into high school.  I remember how nervous I was the night before starting junior high school (7th grade).  He was starting 10th grade that year, which was at the high school.  I was so afraid I would get lost in the hallways and not be able to find my classes.  He sat down with me and went over my class schedule and mapped it all out for me.  I remember going to many stake dances with him and his group of friends once I had turned fourteen.  I have a lot of these kinds of memories with Jordan that I don't have with most of my other brothers.

In the last few years, we hadn't talked as much as we used to.  When we were both in college, we talked often on the phone.  After college and when real life started, we still talked a few times a month on the phone.  But as his life got complicated and difficult, we didn't talk as often.  Oh, how I wish I would have been better about calling him.  It had only been in the recent two to three months that we began talking on the phone more often again.

I will miss Jordan tremendously.  I will miss his friendship.  Yes, friendship.  His phone calls, his Facebook comments, his comments on my blog posts, random emails and instant messaging and texts.  It wasn't often, but it was more often than I communicate with some of my other brothers.  I guess now I know what I need to work on with my other brothers.

Jordan, I love you.  You really were a good brother to me.  And even though when we were little, you sometimes teased me, you were never really mean.  I hope and pray you are in a happy place.  I know the last few years of your life you had an immense struggle.  I hope you passed your test.  I love you, my brother.

Heartbroken

It was the afternoon of Wednesday, July 9th, and I had spent the morning visiting with friends at playgroup and then having lunch with my sister-in-law in American Fork.  My husband was gone to a meeting at work and the four older kids were at a park nearby playing with each other.  The younger two had just woken up from naps and were playing in the living room with me while I wrote up a blog post about watching my children grow up.  I finished my blog post and then got my memory card out of my digital camera to start uploading the pictures and videos I took at the family reunion we had with my side of the family over the weekend.

That's when it happened.  The home phone rang.  I rarely get calls on the home phone.  It's usually either my parents or a solicitor.  Being that it was 4:30 p.m., my parents don't usually call at that time, so I figured solicitor.  But I went and got it anyway and saw on the caller i.d. it was coming from my dad's line at the house.  "I wonder why he is calling at 4:30 on a Wednesday, so soon after we just spent a weekend with each other," I thought, frowning, as I answer the phone.

My dad's voice came through on the line.  He was on speaker phone.  He told me that my mother was on the phone too (she said hello) and that they had some news.  My stomach sank.  This couldn't be good.  He didn't say they had good news.  Only that it was news, which is code for "bad news."  I instantly had thoughts flash in my head of someone in the family dying, perhaps a cousin, aunt or uncle.  Perhaps it wasn't a death, but an accident and someone was in a hospital.  I was not ready for what came next.

I was told that my oldest brother had been in a car accident early in the morning and had passed away.

"No!  That can't be right!" I said.  I said that into the phone more than once, with my parents assuring me that it was and that it was real.  They asked where my husband was and whether I wanted them to call him.  I told them he was in a meeting and wouldn't answer his phone, even if it was them calling.  They said they still had others to call and would talk to me more later.  The call ended.

I burst into tears, screaming and crying.  My two little ones looked at me. I got them into the car to pick up my other kids.  As I was buckling my 1-year-old into her car seat, I screamed, "Why, Heavenly Father, why?  Why now?"  I couldn't stop the tears.  I picked up my kids and told them why I was upset.  They all screamed with upset too, some even cried a little.

They didn't know my brother very well.  In the last decade, we have only seen him about once a year, sometimes less.   The reunion we'd just had over the weekend was the first time I had seen him since Thanksgiving of 2012.  It had been twenty months, nearly two years, since my husband, the kids, or I had seen him.

We came home, I called and called my husband's phone.  Eventually he called me back to see what was going on, since I don't usually bother him during meetings.  He came home right away when I told him.

I wanted to write all this down so I can accurately remember what happened and how I felt the day I found out my oldest brother had been killed in a car accident.  It was the most horrifying, awful day of my life, second only to the day his ex-wife called me the previous April (2013) to tell me they were getting a divorce.  I have cried so much in the two days since (has it really only been two days because it feels like normalcy was a lifetime ago) that my eyes are constantly hurting and my head and neck and throat hurt.

I alternate between calmness with acceptance of this change and downright, distraught, deep, deep heartache demonstrated with wrenching sobs and endless tears.  I don't know how to handle this.  I don't know what to think or to feel.

I know the rhetoric.  I even believe it.  It is comforting to have a knowledge of eternal families.  It is comforting to know of Heavenly Father's merciful plan.  It is helpful to recall all of the tender mercies that have been happening surrounding this tragic event.

It is still so very, very painful and I feel so very, very raw.  I do appreciate people's suggestions for scriptures or hymns or temple visits or priesthood blessings.  They are helpful and comforting.  But they don't stop the pain.  My heart aches deeply.  I didn't know it could hurt this badly and not have an actual physical ailment.  It is a constant, deep ache.  My stomach is upset and I am having trouble eating.  I can't sit still.  My mind and its ramblings are ceaseless.

I will probably be talking more about this in future posts.  I feel it will help me grieve, not only to write it down, but to share it.

I will miss my brother tremendously.  I cannot believe that he is gone from this mortal existence. 

This is my brother playing with one of our other nephews at our family reunion.  

His little daughter (one of six kids) is the blondie right next to them.

I Believe in Christ

I Believe in Christ is one of my favorite hymns.  I love the music and I especially love the words.  The hymn embodies my testimony of Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer.  There are many more hymns and primary songs that do this, but this is one of my favorites.

I believe in Christ; he is my King!  With all my heart to him I'll sing;
I'll raise my voice in praise and joy, In grand amens my tongue employ.
I believe in Christ; he is God's Son.  On earth to dwell his soul did come.
He healed the sick; the dead he raised. Good works were his; his name be praised.

I believe in Christ; oh, blessed name!  As Mary's Son he came to reign
'Mid mortal men, his earthly kin, To save them from the woes of sin.
I believe in Christ, who marked the path, Who did gain all his Father hath,
Who said to men: "Come, follow me, That ye, my friends, with God may be."

I believe in Christ--my Lord, my God!  My feet he plants on gospel sod.
I'll worship him with all my might; He is the source of truth and light.
I believe in Christ; he ransoms me.  From Satan's grasp he sets me free,
And I shall live with joy and love In his eternal courts above.

I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!  From him I'll gain my fondest dream;
And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain."
I believe in Christ; so come what may, With him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again To rule among the sons of men.
--Bruce R. McConkie, 1972

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I love how everything fits together so neatly, how Christ's atoning sacrifice satisfies both the laws of justice and mercy. Jesus Christ has made it possible for us to return to live with Heavenly Father some day and to live with our family eternally.  What a beautiful concept and a beautiful plan!

Patience and Prayer

I must admit, this parenting thing is tricky.  There are days when I watch my kids interact and can't for the life of me figure out why they don't get that things are so much easier when they are nice to each other.  They make things so hard for themselves when they are mean.  We have countless family home evening lessons on how to be nice to each other, why it's important, and everything, but they just. don't. seem. to. get. it.

Patience is something I'm learning with all of this.  It takes great patience for me some days to grit my teeth and keep calm while trying to pry my fighting children off one another.  It takes great patience when I have to, yet again, handle a screaming six-year-old because something didn't go exactly right for him, or the eight-year-old, for that matter.  It takes great patience to bite my tongue and wait until a later time without the kids when I don't like how my husband handles the discipline.  Like today when he made them sit in a time-out for forty-five minutes because of how wild they were when we had some house guests.  Forty-five minutes is excessive for kids aged five to nine, especially when we spent the entire time quieting them.

I had an experience though.  On Thursday this week, I had a fabulous day.  I managed the tantrums and meltdowns of my children beautifully and got a lot done.  We went to the DMV, the store, and the library.  We did preschool and played some games.  I picked them up from school and took them to piano lessons.  I picked up my husband at the airport and came home and whipped up a last-minute dinner, even convincing myself to cook at home instead of stopping somewhere and picking something up.  We got the kids to bed and I spent the evening sewing.

I thought back on why my day had gone so well. I figured out two reasons.  The first was that I had gotten a decent amount of solid sleep the night before.  That was partially due to the fact that my husband was out of town.  His sleep apnea (he has actually been diagnosed and is going back in for more information and treatment!) and snoring keep me awake when my pregnant body doesn't.  He was gone and I slept very well that night.  That can't be duplicated most of the time and I wouldn't necessarily want it to be--him being out of town, that is--but I wouldn't mind separate bedrooms if we could ever do that (just for sleeping's sake!).

The second reason I think was that I had really said my prayers that morning.  I have not been very good with praying most of my life.  I find that I have a hard time really communicating with Heavenly Father and tend to follow more of a script.  Or I find that I can spend the entire prayer asking for things without thanking for anything or the other way around.  Or I forget what I really wanted to pray about and then remember later.  So this year I decided that I  needed to learn how to offer more sincere prayers and really focus on praying.  Focusing on it is one of the harder parts for me because there is always so much going on around me, especially for morning prayers, so I often skip them altogether in the morning.

But Thursday, I really, really prayed.  I focused on asking for guidance when faced with challenges my kids bring me and having the patience to communicate well with them.  I think that helped a lot.  The next day, Friday, I forgot about my morning prayers and proceeded to have one of the most awful days ever.  As I reflect on those two days, I think I need to really work hard at having more sincere, consistent morning prayers. 

The Ultimate Bully

My children learn a curriculum about once a month at their school called "Bully Blockers".  I don't really know what they talk about in that, and I'm doing more research to find out, but last week there was a news story about another young man who had taken his own life (twelve years old) due to bullying.  So I decided to talk to my kids.

"What do you learn about in Bully Blockers?" I asked.

Mostly it was about how bullying was bad and how they need to be nice.  All good stuff.  However, my biggest concern is that my child will be bullied and not have the strength to get through it, that in being bullied, like this twelve-year-old, they will not be confident enough in themselves and will believe the bully and consider the worst.

So we took the conversation in a different direction.  After all, bullies have been around since the beginning, and because of that, I decided to go back to the beginning.

"Do you know what happened before we came to Earth?" I asked.

My kids mumbled different answers.  So I reminded them of the Primary song I Lived in Heaven.  We sang it and talked about the words.  This is what I told them.

We lived in Heaven before we came here.  Heavenly Father had a plan for us to come to Earth and get a physical body so we could progress and then someday return to Him.  He needed someone to help with this plan, to be a Savior.  Lucifer volunteered, only he wanted to make sure EVERYONE came back by forcing us.  Jesus also volunteered, but wanted to let us have free agency. (We had a little side conversation on free agency).

Heavenly Father wanted us to have free agency and Lucifer (Satan) wanted to force us.  So a war broke out.  Some people followed Satan and others followed Heavenly Father.  In the end, Satan lost and his punishment was that he could never be born and have a body, and all of his followers got the same punishment.  And they were cast out of Heaven.

Then I told them,  "You are on Earth because you followed Heavenly Father.  If you had followed Satan, you wouldn't have been born.  Just the fact that you were born means that you followed Heavenly Father."

"Do you know what this means?  It means that you fought Satan in the pre-existence and won."

They all look at me, realization sinking in.

Then my 6-year-old shouts, "We fought the ultimate bully and beat him!"

And I tell them, "You need to remember that, if you are ever bullied, that you are strong enough to withstand it because you have already fought the ultimate bully and won!"

Think about that.  I hope to teach my children their value in the eyes of God.  Like the book, You Are Special, by Max Lucado, that it only matters what God thinks of them and He already thinks they are pretty special.  Their self-worth and a more eternal perspective will be what strengthens them when in a situation of difficulty.  I just hope that I can teach them this when they are young and it will stay with them as they grow.

Satan is the ultimate bully and they have already beat him once.  That is a pretty powerful thought.

A Family Community

I have been reading the book, The Entitlement Trap, by Richard and Linda Eyre.  Chapter Three, Giving Your Children Ownership and Equity in Your Family, is very enlightening.  In it, they talk about how important it is to give your children a strong identity.  They talk about how this identity comes from their roots, their families.  Kids need to be able to identify with their families and have connections with them.  The Eyres give quite a few ideas on how to instill these connections in your children.  For example, by having strong family traditions (holidays and regular practices), developing a family culture and infrastructure, having weekly family meetings, family laws, and family mission statements, etc. 

I have been watching a weekly show recently called Teen Trouble.  In this reality show, a young man named Josh, who was a troubled teen himself, is now a teen behavior specialist and goes around to troubled teens and their families and helps direct them on the right path again and straighten out their lives.  One common thread I've noticed between the teens who've been highlighted is the fact that their family life failed them somehow.  Their parents clearly love them and have always loved them, but they never built this family "infrastructure", this family identity that the Eyres talk about in their book.

As I've pondered this, I've realized that there are many things about LDS culture that contribute to this family identity and that we can use to our benefit to really strengthen our families.  I always knew that things like Family Home Evening and family scripture study and prayer were infinitely important.  However, I never thought about it quite this deeply before, about how these three things contribute so very greatly to family connectedness and to really strengthening family bonds.  I never thought about how through these family bonds, kids can grow up in such a secure way, really feeling part of something.

I remember having a few Family Home Evening lessons on family unity, but I think I missed the point back then.  I understand it so much better now, even better as I'm reading this book.  Families are so important to the emotional and mental health of children and that is quite evident as we watch the current trend of the breakdown of the family, starting with a sort of anti-marriage sentiment that is sweeping through modern culture.  If Satan can make marriage seem trite, then families will be less important, and then individuals can be more easily torn apart.

We like to have a fancy family meal on Valentine's Day, either breakfast or dinner..

Family is the basic unit of society and a  unit that can be eternal.  It's no wonder why.  Heavenly Father sure knew what He was doing when He organized us into families.

Mary

Every Christmas since becoming a mother, I've reflected on what it must have been like to be the mother of Jesus. I think about all the things mothers face, both temporal and spiritual.

Temporally, we deal with dirty diapers, wiping runny noses, endless sleepless nights, endless piles of laundry, food preparation, and other household duties. We manage chaos, quell fights between siblings, and try to teach them to be good people. We hug our children when they are tired and crying, we kiss away the pain when they hurt themselves.

Did Mary do all these things? What was Jesus like as a child, I mean, really like? Was he ALWAYS good? I mean, he was perfect, so it seems right to assume that he was perfect as a child too. Does that mean that he never cried? Or did he cry when he fell down and got hurt?

Spiritually, we are to guide our children to make righteous choices. Jesus was perfect. How much guiding did Mary need to do when Jesus was a young child? Was the veil closed to him at a young age? Or was it always open?

What was it like?

Ever since having my kids and realizing the difficulty of raising them, I often ponder on this topic during the Christmas season and what a beautiful thing it is to be a mother.

How the Gospel Comforts in Times of Tragedy

Post after post on Facebook have been tributes to the innocent children and adults killed in the shooting last Friday.  I already posted some thoughts on this and how the Gospel of Jesus Christ can change the hearts of the people, which in essence, will change the world.  In addition to that, this gospel brings us comfort in times of tragedy.

Many people question where God is when such tragedies occur.  Some of my favorite writings have always been those of President Spencer W. Kimball.  One such writing is called "Tragedy or Destiny" and discusses this very topic--how we can still know God is there when horrible tragedies occur.

Could the Lord have prevented [this] tragedy?  The answer is, Yes.  The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will.  But he will not...


...If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life would be calamity.  But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective....

...In the face of apparent tragedy, we must put our trust in God, knowing that despite our limited view his purposes will not fail.  With all its troubles life offers us the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and wisdom, faith and work, preparing to return and share God's glory.[1]

The Gospel of Jesus Christ brings us peace in the face of tragedy.  Also, consider these words, taken from "The Salvation of Little Children" by Bruce R. McConkie:

Are all little children saved automatically in the celestial kingdom?

To this question the answer is a thunderous yes, which echoes and re-echoes from one end of heaven to the other. Jesus taught it to his disciples. Mormon said it over and over again. Many of the prophets have spoken about it, and it is implicit in the whole plan of salvation. If it were not so the redemption would not be infinite in its application. And so, as we would expect, Joseph Smith’s Vision of the Celestial Kingdom contains this statement: “And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven.” (D&C 137:10)

It is sometimes asked if this applies to children of all races, and of course the answer is that when the revelation says all children it means all children. There is no restriction as to race, kindred, or tongue. Little children are little children and they are all alive in Christ, and all are saved by him, through and because of the atonement.

Why do some children die and others live? Are those who die better off than those who remain in mortality?

We may rest assured that all things are controlled and governed by Him whose spirit children we are. He knows the end from the beginning, and he provides for each of us the testings and trials which he knows we need. President Joseph Fielding Smith once told me that we must assume that the Lord knows and arranges beforehand who shall be taken in infancy and who shall remain on earth to undergo whatever tests are needed in their cases. This accords with Joseph Smith’s statement: “The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.” (Teachings, pp. 196–97.) It is implicit in the whole scheme of things that those of us who have arrived at the years of accountability need the tests and trials to which we are subject and that our problem is to overcome the world and attain that spotless and pure state which little children already possess.[2]

I cried when I heard about the shooting.  I have both a five-year-old and a six-year-old right now.  I have two other older children who are school age as well.  But I never felt like I needed to rush to the school and pull them out or felt afraid to put them back in school on Monday.  I think I felt reassured by the Gospel's teachings regarding the Plan of Salvation.  They bring comfort during times of great sorrow.  I'm grateful to have the Gospel and the knowledge of life after death and the tiny speck in the line of eternity that mortality represents.  It truly is a Gospel of Peace.

[1] Tragedy or Destiny?  Spencer W. Kimball

[2]  The Salvation of Little Children, Bruce R. McConkie, Ensign April 1977.

Love One Another

Friday's awful tragedy in Connecticut has left me pondering.  I tend to spend way too much time online and often I get sucked into reading stories and the comments that follow or spending time on question and answer boards.  In response to Friday's shootings, the debates are raging over gun control, awareness of mental illness, and school security.

I truthfully don't know all there is to know about gun laws in this country.  I only know what the second amendment says about having the right to bear arms.  I do know how to shoot a gun, not well, mind you, and I don't own a gun and nor do the majority of the people I know and spend time with regularly.  But it seems to me (personal opinion, not based on any facts or statistics or laws) that guns do not cause people to act heinously, nor does access to guns.  Guns aren't the only type of weapons out there--people can find out how to make a bomb from the Internet--not to mention knives, axes, screwdrivers, rocks, baseball bats, automobiles, etc.  In fact, if you think about it, since guns came about, people have owned them and used them and it's only been in the last few decades where we've had a rise in the number of such mass civilian shootings.  So I'm not sure that gun control laws would be the solution to this problem.

Mental illness is a big issue and a very real one too.  However, from what I understand, not all the shooters in these types of cases were dealing with a clinical mental illness.  Many of them had simply felt victimized or "screwed over" in life and had a lot of rage.  I guess excessive rage can be a form of mental illness, but anger is something we can all learn to control.  However, most people can't be forced to learn to control their anger, even if a judge assigns them the punishment of taking anger management classes.  They will still choose what they get out of such a class.  I do know there are a lot of people out there who deal with very serious mental illnesses, but the majority of them aren't going and shooting up an elementary classroom.  So is mental illness really at the root cause of such a tragic occurrence?

That brings me to school security, or security in general, I guess.  Many of the people on the sites I frequent are blaming the school for not having enough security.  However, if you really think about it, what could they do to make a school more secure?  People suggest metal detectors.  Many schools already have them.  People suggest a police officer guarding the one entrance to the school.  A gunman with rage could easily take out one cop.  Many schools already have screening processes (most do not truly make schools safer, either, as someone without a history of crime would easily pass the process).  The school my children attend has one open entrance during the day, all other entrances are locked and require a key card (worn by teachers and staff) to open, and the one entrance goes straight to the office where you have to check in.  However, you can easily see how this could be bypassed.  A gunman intent on getting in a school could take a teacher or staff member hostage and force entry by the key card or they could skip the office altogether and not check in.  In the case of many school shootings, the shooter was a student.  A metal detector may have helped in such a case, but there are ways to get past even that.  Clearly there are ways to get past such devices or there wouldn't be any "terror scares" in the skies in America anymore since airports have such heavy security that we must all pass through.  And personally, I don't want to have to go through such security just to drop off something to my kid at school or check them out for a doctor's appointment.

So then what do we do?

In order to fix these problems, we need to focus on where everything begins–the family.  If families would stay together and teach children to love one another, they would grow into adults who would do the same thing. There is a lot of anger out there–a lot of people harbor anger and grudges and cold hearts. Even on Internet forums (even on Facebook where we KNOW each other!) you see name-calling and bashing and unkindness. When parents are unkind and uncivil, their children learn that. Even if they have a tight-knit family, if they are teaching these attitudes and habits, that is what children learn and they will behave the same way. It’s become okay to act out in rage over the smallest, silliest things. When you hear of stories where a parent becomes outraged over something, most people stand there nodding their heads in agreement–that parent was right to react that way. Road rage, kids’ sports, etc., the list can go on and on. Yet we as a society have become more accepting of such behaviors because we feel we are “entitled” to being mad when our feelings get hurt. We have forgotten about forgiveness and love and those two things together have the power to change the world. Banning guns, treating mental illness, increasing security everywhere…those all seem to be logical solutions, but the solution truly lies in changing men’s hearts. Until that happens, we will always be hearing these stories in the news.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is what will change men's hearts and keep them from turning cold.  Gun control, mental illness awareness, beefed up security might make a tiny dent in the problem, but the real problem lies in men's hearts.  That is where the change needs to happen.  Taking the Gospel, a gospel of love, to all the world is the only thing that will initiate true change.  Not an easy thing to do, for sure, but the way I see it, all these other things are like putting a bandaid on an arterial cut--not going to do a whole lot of good.  

Marriage and the Plan of Salvation

I recently read an article written by a gay man who actually said that "Jesus had nothing to say about sexual behavior of any kind."  He went on to say that Jesus taught love for one another, which is true, but he didn't teach us to love sin.  He didn't teach us that sinful behavior is okay as long as it is done in the name of love.


I guess if people want to be literal, then no, in the New Testament, Jesus himself did not say anything specific about homosexuality.  However, his prophets and apostles, who taught what Jesus wanted them to teach, did speak about it.  Recently, I saw an infographic going around Facebook.  Click over to the infographic and read it.  What gets me is how they compare homosexuality in the Old Testament with eating shellfish, pork and wearing clothes woven with different fabrics.  Now, I'm not an Old Testament expert, but I can differentiate between what are God's never-changing laws and what was cultural Jewish law of the time period.  They are not the same thing.  God's law never changes.  Cultural laws that reflect the time period did and do change.  I especially love the part on the graphic that says, "Have fun living your sexist, chauvinistic, xenophobic lifestyle.  The rest of culture will advance forward without you."  I don't understand why these people think that by accepting homosexuality and allowing same-sex marriages, culture is "advancing".  How does that make it advance?

It is clear in scripture that homosexuality is sinful, as are all other types of sexual sin.  These days, though, many people do not feel that sex outside of marriage is sinful as long as you are in a "committed" relationship or that you are "old enough" to make that choice.  The scriptures never say those things and certainly don't advocate any type of sexual relationship outside of marriage.

Let's take a look at marriage, then.  According the The Family: A Proclamation to the World, "Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan."  It also states, "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."  Can this be backed up by scripture?  In 1 Corinthians 7:13, Paul says "Let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."  Also, Doctrine and Covenants 49:15 says that "marriage is ordained of God." 

Now that we've established a definition for marriage according to scripture and modern revelation, we should discuss the Plan of Salvation.  According to LDS theology, the Plan of Salvation is God's great plan of happiness.  In this plan, we lived in a premortal existence before coming to Earth.  When we are born, our spirits are given a physical body.  Our Earth life is a test of faith.  The plan includes the Savior's great redeeming sacrifice--his suffering for our sins and dying on the cross.  This part of the plan satisfied God's requirement for justice and also allowed mercy.  Our sins were paid for.  But we have to come unto Christ and follow Him in order to accept this sacrifice.  This includes faith, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end by living a life full of love and service.  Then, we die.  At death, our spirits are separated from our physical bodies and go to the Spirit World, which is divided into Spirit Prison and Paradise.  One huge part of the plan is that all will have the opportunity to hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accept it, whether that be in our Earthly life or in the Spirit World.  After all have heard the Gospel and either accept or reject it, there will be a resurrection and then great day of judgment.  At the resurrection, our spirits and our physical bodies, now perfected, will be reunited to live forever.  The judgment is when we are judged for how we lived our lives and whether or not we accepted Christ's sacrifice.  At that time, we will be separated into three kingdoms:  Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial.  The highest kingdom, the Celestial, will only be for those who accepted Jesus Christ and all of the priesthood ordinances done and lived worthy lives.  The Terrestrial Kingdom will be for those who lived good lives, many who accepted Christ even, but didn't have the saving ordinances done (baptism by those in authority being the first of those ordinances).  The Telestial Kingdom will be for most everyone else, people who didn't accept Christ, people who lived immoral lives, people who murdered and thieved and never repented and changed.  The last place people will be sent is Outer Darkness.  Only the very worst will be sent there, the Sons of Perdition.

I realize that is a brief explanation of the Plan of Salvation, which is many Sunday School lessons for each part of the plan.  However, you can see from that plan that if we don't follow it, we won't end up in a place where we will experience eternal joy and happiness.  Following the commandments of God and the teachings of Jesus Christ lead to happiness, both in this life and the next.  As the scripture in the Book of Mormon says, "Wickedness never was happiness" (Alma 41:10).

Now, many people argue that homosexuality is not a sin.  In and of itself,  it is not.  However, when people act upon homosexual feelings and choose to express their love in that way, therein is where the sin lies.  So many people seem to misunderstand the LDS Church's doctrine regarding this issue.  Yes, people may have the tendency, the temptation, the trial of homosexual feelings.  I don't pretend to know why Heavenly Father would allow people to have such a struggle.  But I also don't pretend to know why he allows some people to have cancer or get into terrible debilitating car accidents.  There are many struggles we face in our Earthly life.  Some of them are perhaps merely the result of having a physical, carnal body.  Even heterosexual men and women in the Church are taught to restrain from certain physical affections before marriage, and even to control our very thoughts outside of marriage in that area.  It seems unfair to some, both in and out of the LDS Church, that homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to marry and finally be able to express those feelings.  However, if you look at marriage in light of God's plan of happiness, gender as "an essential characteristic" (Family Proclamation) of who we are and how that all fits into the eternal plan, it is more unfair to allow them to marry in this life because they won't be able to be with that partner in the life hereafter. Others say it's unfair to expect them to remain celibate throughout their mortal life, but the Gospel teaches that anyone who never marries should remain celibate. Why would the Church, which teaches love and eternal happiness, want to condemn someone's eternal state of being by allowing them temporary pleasure in this Earthly life, which we know to be merely equivalent to the "blink of an eye?"  It just doesn't make sense. 

This quote has been going around the Internet for some time:  "Our culture has accepted two huge lies: The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." -Rick Warren

You can still be compassionate and loving toward those who struggle with same-sex attraction without changing your convictions about traditional marriage.  Not supporting same-sex marriage does not mean you hate your gay brothers and sisters or that you want to restrict their rights.  It means that you believe wholly in traditional marriage and that same-sex marriage does not have a place in God's plan of happiness.  You can still love them and treat them kindly and compassionately, as you should.  Definitely love your brothers and sisters, your fellow men, and treat them kindly.  That is something all can do.

"Cease to be idle..."

I  have no tolerance for laziness in myself and in my family members.  I should have been born in another time period when people had to work day in and day out just to live.  We have too many conveniences these days that have made us very prone to laziness.  Being idle is actually contrary to the teachings of the gospel.  In Doctrine and Covenants 88:124, it says, "Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated."  This is actually a seminary scripture, one of those scriptures that students of our LDS seminaries are instructed to memorize.  My seminary class in Texas called this scripture the seminary scripture because it talks about not sleeping "longer than is needful" and we had early morning seminary.

I have always believed that work is a necessary part of life. It really, really bothers me when people are lazy simply because they can be (the people I'm thinking of, though, are mostly people that I am around every day, like members of my own family, although it does bother me to some degree to see random people in society acting with such laziness, especially teenagers).  There is always work to be done, but they think, "it's my day off, I can be lazy."  True, we are allowed a day off from our labor, but that is the Sabbath, during which we are admonished to still remain productive.  I recall my parents teaching that even on Sundays, the day of rest, we shouldn't just spend the entire day sleeping.  It is unproductive.  Taking a nap is fine, but sleeping all day is just lazy.

This is also why it's wise to "retire to thy bed early", so that we can get enough sleep to feel rested and not be so tired the next day that we are wanting to sleep in.  Growing up, I had a curfew of 10 p.m. on weeknights, even in the summer months.  That meant I needed to be home then, but I usually tried to be in bed by then as well.  Because I'm a person who learned very early in life that I do not function well with a lack of sleep, I had no trouble keeping to this curfew.  There were occasions where I was allowed to stay out later, but I always regretted it the next day when I still had to be up early the next day.

I take this scripture to heart and very sincerely try to live it.  There are occasional days where I succumb to laziness and I always feel bad later because I allowed myself to be so indulgent and unproductive.  This is probably why I prefer to have my children do chores, piano practicing and schoolwork when they first get up in the morning on summer days.  "Work first, play later" has always been one of my mantras.  I do try to spread out the work so that I do have time for play because I also believe what Brigham Young said about dividing our time wisely between work, recreation and sleep (wish I could find the exact quote, but I can't seem to find it).  However, I've found that often when you indulge first in recreation with the intention of working later, the work rarely gets done, or if it does, it doesn't get done to the quality that it should. 

*image from Google images  

I rather enjoy being productive.  I enjoy seeing the fruits of my labors.  I enjoy feeling as if I've accomplished something, even if all I've accomplished is keeping my house clean, getting my family fed, and maintaining some order while doing it.  I hope to instill this value of work into my children.

Great Plan of Happiness

Today I'm reminded of our Heavenly Father's great Plan of Happiness.  I'm so grateful for this plan, for the peace that it brings.

Today is Memorial Day.  All over the United States we are honoring fallen soldiers who gave up their lives for the price of freedom.  I like to use Memorial Day as a time to remember all of those people in our lives who have passed on.  My grandparents, all four of them.  My uncle that I never knew.

I am reminded of Heavenly Father's wonderful plan because of this.  Earlier this year, a friend of mine started posting about her friend whose 4-year-old boy was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.  Yesterday, that little boy died. 

As I read the most recent posts about this little boy and then went back through the family's blog and looked at pictures of him from his birth until he died, I was reminded of this plan.  That plan that when we die, our spirit is released from our imperfect mortal body.  That plan that when we are resurrected, our bodies will be perfect.  That plan that we will be together again someday.  And I'm reminded of an especially beautiful part of that plan, the doctrine about the salvation of little children.  This part brings such great comfort in the wake of such tragedy.

Among all the glorious gospel verities given of God to his people there is scarcely a doctrine so sweet, so soul satisfying, and so soul sanctifying, as the one which proclaims—Little children shall be saved. They are alive in Christ and shall have eternal life. For them the family unit will continue, and the fulness of exaltation is theirs. No blessing shall be withheld. They shall rise in immortal glory, grow to full maturity, and live forever in the highest heaven of the celestial kingdom—all through the merits and mercy and grace of the Holy Messiah, all because of the atoning sacrifice of Him who died that we might live.[1]

In the article, I especially love the part where he talks about how the family will get to raise that child again.  I only know a few people personally whose children have passed away.  But through the Internet, I know of quite a few families who have lost little ones, either to terrible diseases, such as little Atticus, to sudden tragic deaths.  I am so grateful for the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and the comfort of the knowledge of the life hereafter that this brings.

Rest in peace, little Atticus.  Rest in peace.

--------------------------------

[1] The Salvation of Little Children, Bruce R. McConkie, Ensign, April 1977

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Hurt Me...

Or will they?

One of the chapters I read in the book Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic talked about using good words and teaching your children to use good words.

In the beginning, that's what we were doing.  We were more careful about keeping our language clean and using positive, uplifting words. But lately, I feel, we've been using more harsh words.  We get frustrated and exasperated with our kids and we say things like "That's stupid!" or "Shut up!" when our anger is elevating.  The kids have picked up on this and have started saying these unkind words to each other.

Because of our Family Declaration, I felt it was time to talk about cleaning up our language around here.  So on Monday night, I gave a little *FHE lesson on that very subject.  Then it was funny that the very next day, Mormon Mommy Blogs posted a post about how it's silly that people get offended by words like "stupid".  But if you think about it, when is stupid ever used in a positive, uplifting way?  When is it ever used not to offend?  Even if all you're doing is saying how something looks stupid or seems stupid or was stupid, not referring to a person, it's still said with a negative connotation.  On the flip side, there was a post yesterday on Raising Homemakers about the overuse of the word "no" and how to substitute other words and phrases for the word "no" to get across what you really want to say.  It was a great, uplifting post.

When I taught this lesson, I grabbed the dry erase board and a marker.  I drew a line down the middle of the board and wrote a title on each side of the line:  Mean, Hurtful Words and Nice, Uplifting Words.  Then I asked the kids what words they wanted to write up on the board.

Interestingly enough, for all those people who don't think "stupid" is offensive enough to take out of their vocabulary, that was the first word they listed under Mean, Hurtful Words.  They went on to list crybaby, retarded, dumb, and idiot.  Then they listed name-calling as a category under that section and insults.  Last they listed swear words and put-downs.

Under Nice, Uplifting Words, they listed super, fantastic, I love you, really nice, and saying sorry nicely.  We made a poster that says:  If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  We coined the phrase that way instead of the typical "If you can't say something nice...."  because we decided that our thoughts lead to our words, so we need to focus on the thoughts first.

I feel the activity really resonated with them.  I even let the word "stupid" slip out yesterday and they all called me up on it.  I think it's really going to help the spiritual atmosphere of our home by focusing on speaking kind, uplifting words.

*FHE means Family Home Evening, something we members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints try to do once a week, usually on Monday nights, to teach our children the Gospel and spend quality family time together

Two Things On My Mind

The last couple of days I've seen two different topics popping up on blogs and new sites:  reviews of Hunger Games (both the book and movie) and the topic of religion and politics.

I have been asked by many friends, acquaintances, and even family members if I've read that series of books.  They know I'm a reader and probably figured since they liked it, I would like it too.  After reading a brief synopsis of the books after they came out and reviews by other readers, I decided against reading the books.  Since I haven't read the books, I really have no interest in seeing the movie either.  Mostly, I'm just not interested in reading books where the setting is a dystopian society.  I really can't stand books or movies that are about the end of the world, or post-apocalyptic societies or dystopian societies.  I find them, as a whole, to be disturbing.  I don't like coming away feeling uneasy, which is how I'm left feeling after viewing or reading such a work.

Then I stumbled onto some blogs that railed on Hunger Games as being something not worthy of reading or watching, as Latter-day Saints.  The 13th Article of Faith states that "if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."  These bloggers were talking about how Hunger Games, both the books and the movie, did not fall into this classification.  Not having read the books, I couldn't say for sure whether they did or didn't, but reading what content was in the books, I could see how people would make those judgments.  Then people were commenting that Harry Potter was equally dark and violent and equating that to something that is not worthy for us to read or view.  But then that brings to question most entertainment generally.  I felt Harry Potter contained pretty strong Christian symbolism and the classic literary theme of good versus evil as well as following some of the classic archetypal characters you find in good literature.  Having not read Hunger Games, I can't say whether Suzanne Collins utilized those classic literary tools in her writing or not.

I still have no desire to read the series or see the movie.  I am just not interested in plots that take place in such a dismal setting. 

With politics and religion, many bloggers have been harsh on LDS people for supporting a certain candidate.  They feel that those of us who support him do because he is Mormon.  I feel that upstanding moral character is of great importance in a strong leader.  Those who say that moral character isn't important are mistaken, in my opinion.  A leader's way of thinking is formed by his moral grounding (or lack thereof) and often that relays back to the tenets of his faith.  If that person is truly living, as best as they can, by those beliefs, they often possess stronger moral character than someone who picks and chooses which tenets of their faith to live by and only live by the ones they like.  Most religions teach that sex should only be practiced within the bonds of marriage, that how we treat others is of great importance, that there is sanctity in the creation of life, that there is a great Creator or Supreme Being who is over all.  There are certain leaders we've seen in the last several years who profess to follow a faith but then they do not stay true to the tenets of that faith.  That, to me, shows a lack of moral character.  If a man (or woman) cannot hold true to the beliefs they claim drive them, what else are they deceitful about?  That is why I believe that what shapes a person is of vital importance to understand them.  If they claim to be Christian but have no issues with things like gay marriage or abortion or living with a partner outside of marriage, and so forth, I don't believe that they understand what their religion teaches, or they choose not to follow all of their religion.  If they are like that with something so influential of character as their religious roots, how will they be in other areas of their life?  Where is their integrity?

So whether or not I vote for a candidate because he's Mormon shouldn't matter.  The fact is that his Mormon faith shaped him to be a man of upstanding moral character, at least compared with many of his opponents (not all--some were equally moral, just with different parts of their platforms I didn't feel were sound).  If a man's Muslim faith, or Jewish faith, or Evangelical Christian faith did the same and he remained a person of integrity, I think I would feel the same way.

Integrity, moral character, those are things I look for in a good leader.  Our current president I feel is lacking greatly in those qualities.  He might be a fine orator and even a well-intentioned person, but he lacks qualities of character I think are necessary to be a good leader.

Family Declaration

The kids were fighting again.  They can get pretty nasty to each other when they fight.  One of them says something mean, then the other one cries, then the first one makes fun of him for crying, and so forth.  Sometimes it's such a circle of viciousness that it's hard to back track to where it started in order to discuss a better way of handling the situation, which is what I try to do when a fight gets out of hand.  Often, I try to let them handle it on their own. 

But there they were, fighting about something so trivial I can't even remember what it was anymore.  We were sitting down to dinner.  Both my husband and I are so tired of the fighting and bickering and the general atmosphere of contention.  Why can't they just be nice to each other?!  I know, they are learning how to have self control, how to ignore inflammatory remarks.  Heaven knows, my husband and I still are working on those qualities, we're just further along in the process.

My husband started it.  A conversation about being a member of a family and what the responsibilities are of each member.  How to make a family and a home a happy place.  He talked to them about temples and how they are quiet places of contemplation where you can feel the Spirit and love of Heavenly Father.  He asked them if they wanted that kind of peace in our home.  They agreed that sounded like a wonderful idea, so we talked that night at dinner about how we could make that happen.

The Family Declaration was born.  We talked about what each of us should commit to doing in order for our home to be a place of peace, like the temple.  We talked about what goals we had and how to accomplish those goals.  And then we asked the kids if they would be willing to commit to working on these goals together as a family.

My husband and I then typed up a declaration.  We used the talk, "Sacred Homes, Sacred Temples" by Elder Gary E. Stevenson from the April 2009 General Conference as a springboard for our idea.  We also used the hymn, "Home Can Be a Heaven on Earth" and the primary song, "I Love to See the Temple."  We typed up our declaration, printed it on nice paper and signed it.  As soon as we get our new family pictures done in a couple of weeks, we are going to get it custom framed with our declaration and The Family:  A Proclamation to the World and hang the whole thing above our piano in our front room.  So far, it has been wonderful serving as a reminder to our children (and to us) of how we should treat each other and learn to get along better in our family.

The King Family Declaration of Strengthening Our Family