At What Point

At what point do things let up? What are the numbers they are shooting for? If a vaccine happens, are they going to force people to have it?

Example: at church we can't sing, we can't even have hymnals in the pews.  At what point will they say,  it's okay to have hymnbooks now. It's okay for the priests to bless the sacrament without showing the congregation they are putting hand sanitizer on their hands.  It's okay to not wear a mask. It's okay to not separate everyone by several pews.  It's okay to have Sunday school and primary and other classes.  

I've been saying this from the start. At what point will any of that be okay?  It's not like this  illness will just disappear. Although, I suppose we could hope and pray for that and maybe it would eventually.  But that's not likely to be the case.  We will eventually have to find a way to live life with this illness (as we have with the thousands of other illnesses that infect us regularly). 

When can we go to a high school football game without limiting how many people per family can attend?  When will we be able to have in-person music lessons?  When will we be able to have a church youth activity without requiring masks and "social distancing"?  I hate that term.  It's not even really a thing.  I don't believe there is any scientific evidence to back up whether "social distancing" (staying six feet or more apart from other people) even mitigates the spread of this virus.  I'm not sure it does.  

I think the longer we draw this out, the longer we require these draconian measures (masking, "social distancing", oversanitizing everything), the longer this whole thing will last.  I feel like death isn't something we, as human beings, have a lot of control over stopping.  We only think we do.  And safety?  There isn't anything in this world or life that can be 100% safe?  All the crazy sanitizing we're doing?  That's not 100% safe either.  In fact, that can cause superbugs that are resistant to antibiotics and other drugs and even the things we use to clean with.  It's not safe to constantly be using hand sanitizer and clorox bleach everywhere and all the time!  

I wish I could eloquently formulate how this all makes me feel.  Every time I get an email from our bishop saying "Come back to church! But you are only welcome every other week with these ten other families and remember to not talk to anyone while you're here and social distance and use hand sanitizer and don't sing!" makes me want to vomit and I feel a lurch in my stomach.  

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!  STOP CALLING IT THE "NEW NORMAL!"  That indicates that this is how things will be from here on out FOREVER.  If this is temporary (how many times have I heard "this is the new normal, but it's only temporary!"?), STOP CALLING IT NORMAL!  It's not normal to not be allowed to socialize with regular hugging and touching and smiling and making of other faces, etc.  It's not normal to have to sanitize your hands every time you go into a classroom and then leave that classroom.

I truly, truly do not believe that all of these measures are really making a difference.  I think they are all more for show--so people who are afraid can feel like something is being done to keep them safe.  I'm tired of these words and phrases:  "new normal", "social distancing", "safety", "let's stay safe", "let's keep everyone safe".  

I don't understand why, if you are a person who is afraid of getting sick and possibly dying, why you can't just stay home?  Why can't you carry your hand sanitizer and wear your mask?  Why can't you keep six feet, etc. from other people?  Why does EVERYONE have to do it?  

The worst part is that I'm not allowed to feel this way.  I'm not allowed to express my concern that this has gone on too long, that this has been taken too far.  I'm not allowed to suggest that living like this isn't good for anyone.  I'm only allowed to comply and agree that "it's for the greater good".  Where have we heard that before?  If I try to express my anxiety over it, my dislike of how things are, my absolute desire to not live this way, that not living would be better, I'm told that I'm crazy and stupid, that I'm wrong, and that maybe I should catch coronavirus and die (or someone I love should) and that would show me that these draconian measures are needed. 

You know what?  Whenever another bug is going around, be it a stomach virus causing a lot of throwing up or the seasonal flu and everyone in the area seems to be catching it,  I sometimes worry that we'll catch it.  And then when we do, I wonder if I could have done something to prevent it.  We wash our hands.  We try to avoid sick people, and so on and so forth.  But, in the end, sometimes YOU. JUST. GET. SICK.  Sometimes, you can't figure out how you got something.  And you'll never know why.  Trying to figure that out causes great anxiety.  I know, because I am a person of great anxiety. 

I'm not afraid of catching coronavirus.  I'm not even afraid of dying if I do catch it.  I'm not afraid of having someone in my immediate family die of it either.  I trust that if that happens, it's because God allowed it to.  Dying isn't the worst thing that can happen.  It's far worse to live a life in fear, anxiety, depression, isolation, and misery.  I'd rather die than live such a miserable existence.

The Pandemic Life

It's been six weeks since I last wrote.  We left on a long road trip only about ten days after I last wrote.  We drove to Arizona in one day and stayed for almost two weeks.  Then we drove to Southern California (the mountains up near Bakersfield).  We stayed there for three days and then drove up to Utah for a week.  My oldest son spent the summer (starting in May) working up there.  Part of the reason we went up there was to pick him up and bring him home so he could start summer band, since he made the leadership team. Not that it even matters because they've now canceled competition band for the year as well as his trip to Ireland for which he'd already paid about $2000.  He could have stayed an extra week.  We picked him up when we did because our extended family he was staying with was supposed to leave on a trip right after.  But their trip got canceled.  Of course, we had already made the plan though so we weren't able to change our leaving time to any later.  And then he got back and the leadership training he was supposed to have was changed to online and the whole marching season pretty much canceled.  Then we drove down to Arizona for a few more days before making the trek back to Texas.

We enjoyed our trip.  It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine).  I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas.  Life was the same everywhere though.    Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems.  When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also.  We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time.  It was a long day but we did it.  We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel. 

We are not worried about covid19.  A lot of people are.  There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people.  I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down.  That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it.  If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected.  If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months.  That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%.  So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas).  There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my  husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth.  It's hard to know what to believe.  So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all.  I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes.  It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths).  It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person.  Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was.  I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that.  If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control? 

This is where I struggle.  The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize.  But it just keeps going and going.  Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places.  So far our district still has an on-campus option.  I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school.  Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen.  I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed.  They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid.  It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure.  I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive.  It's getting completely ridiculous.  All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.

It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus.  I don't even smile out in public anymore.  There's no point.  People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless.  I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere.  It's insane.  When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.

Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me.  In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery.  Death just doesn't scare me at all.  I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me.  Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that.  I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.

Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now.  Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out.  Good night!

Writing and Missing Normal Life

I need to start writing again.  I have missed it a lot.  Since we moved to Texas, I haven't been able to get my life in order enough to take time out for me to write.  I need to do this.

Writing is an outlet for me.  Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is.  We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19.  We have also been having protests due to racial inequality.  I really have no desire to get political.  I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way.  So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.

The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born.  He is now four years old.  Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move.  I still regret moving.  I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here.  But I need to start looking for these things.

Coronavirus has rocked my world.  My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it.  I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school.  But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them.  And for me, to be quite honest.  One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics.  Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me.  It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that!  But I really missed that final band concert.  That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year!  I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it.  Same with those choir concerts.

Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work.  I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids.  That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered.  Same with teaching piano.  No piano recital, no lessons since March.  I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform.  I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me.  It was too frustrating for me and my students.  I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching.  Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that.  So that has changed our world.  At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss.  His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well.  And not looking to improve any time soon.

I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away!  That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months.  That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall.  I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.

If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it.  But I don't want that kind of life.  I don't want my kids to have that kind of life.  And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have.  So I struggle.

I'm going to try to start writing again.  Sometimes I will vent my frustrations.  Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind.  Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share.  The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids.  That's all that matters to me right now.