It's been six weeks since I last wrote. We left on a long road trip only about ten days after I last wrote. We drove to Arizona in one day and stayed for almost two weeks. Then we drove to Southern California (the mountains up near Bakersfield). We stayed there for three days and then drove up to Utah for a week. My oldest son spent the summer (starting in May) working up there. Part of the reason we went up there was to pick him up and bring him home so he could start summer band, since he made the leadership team. Not that it even matters because they've now canceled competition band for the year as well as his trip to Ireland for which he'd already paid about $2000. He could have stayed an extra week. We picked him up when we did because our extended family he was staying with was supposed to leave on a trip right after. But their trip got canceled. Of course, we had already made the plan though so we weren't able to change our leaving time to any later. And then he got back and the leadership training he was supposed to have was changed to online and the whole marching season pretty much canceled. Then we drove down to Arizona for a few more days before making the trek back to Texas.
We enjoyed our trip. It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine). I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas. Life was the same everywhere though. Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems. When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also. We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time. It was a long day but we did it. We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel.
We are not worried about covid19. A lot of people are. There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people. I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down. That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it. If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected. If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months. That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%. So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas). There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth. It's hard to know what to believe. So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all. I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes. It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths). It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person. Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was. I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that. If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control?
This is where I struggle. The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize. But it just keeps going and going. Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places. So far our district still has an on-campus option. I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school. Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen. I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed. They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid. It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure. I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive. It's getting completely ridiculous. All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.
It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus. I don't even smile out in public anymore. There's no point. People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless. I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere. It's insane. When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.
Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me. In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery. Death just doesn't scare me at all. I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me. Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that. I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.
Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now. Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out. Good night!
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