Toxic

I wish I could just fade into oblivion.  Not die.  But cease to exist.  A few years ago, someone told me I was toxic.  I was so very, very hurt but wondered deep down if it was true.  I wanted them to be wrong.  I always thought that toxic was just a label people like to toss out when they are upset with something someone said or did.  I never really understood what was meant by toxic.  Because I'm a pessimist?  Because I always see the worst case scenario?  I still don't really know what exactly made that particular person decide that about me.  But today, I have figured out that they are right. 

I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being.  I never meant to be this way.  I still don't mean to be this way.  I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable.  And then I lash out at others.  I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately.  It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way.  Or they have a means that I don't have.  And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean.  And can't seem to be repaired.  And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were.  As a human being, I'm a complete failure.

Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve.  Life was already too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every choice that comes my way.  I always make the wrong choice. I always say the wrong thing.  I always act the wrong way.  I just can't do anything right.

I'm not sure I can fix me.  I don't know how.  I'm broken beyond repair.  I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me.  I wish I could erase  myself from their lives.  I'm embarrassed to be me.

And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion.  Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again.