Thursday, January 15, 2015

Trying to Adjust

This move has been really hard for me. I always thought that when I moved back to Texas, if the opportunity ever came along, that I'd be jumping for joy and charge forward, never looking back.  But that hasn't been the case at all.  It's possible that because this move affected so many people and not just me (my six kids) that it's been hard.

I still feel slightly sick to my stomach whenever I think about what has happened.  We were coasting along, struggling with every day life, trying to figure things out and BOOM! the opportunity to go to Texas jumps out at us.  I didn't even realize how great life was.  We had a good house in a good neighborhood and ward that we could afford.  We lived close to the schools, work, stores, and activities.  The kids were involved in activities that we could afford.

I had some strange notion that Texas was a less expensive place to live but I was extremely wrong.  I'm not sure how things will go for us financially here.  I'm worried that I will have to get a full time job and put my last two babies in daycare because we just can't afford to live otherwise.  We looked at renting and we looked at less expensive houses.  The difference in monthly payments wasn't enough to make much of a difference, so we settled on a house we really liked.

But it's the other things too.  We had a great dentist in Utah.  We had a great pediatrician.  We had a great optometrist and pediatric ophthalmologist.  I had a great ob/gyn.  We had a great orthodontist all lined up and our oldest was supposed to start braces in December.  Now, not only do we not have a dentist or orthodontist, but with the increase in how much everything costs, I don't know if we'll ever be able to put our kids through braces and then they'll have terribly messed up teeth.  I feel really bad about this.  If we had stayed in Utah, it would have been just fine.

Then there are the activities.  They were in baseball, dance, and fencing.  They took music lessons.  I taught piano lessons.  I was doing what I could to eventually teach a preschool out of my home.  Here, it doesn't look like people use home preschools and the expectation of what a preschool is does not mesh with anything I believe in regarding early childhood learning.  I feel more frustrated about that than I did about trying to get our HOA to allow me to teach a preschool there in Utah out of our home.

I miss my job at the school and how perfect it was for me and for our family.  It gave us an extra $200-$300/month and I only worked one day a week so my husband could stay home just that one day with the kids.  Plus, the job itself was perfect.  I got to do exactly what I love, which is teaching, and coming up with parts of the lesson plans myself but I didn't have to deal with the bureaucracy or the parents, who can sometimes be nightmares to deal with.  I have already tried finding something like that here, even just a part-time thing at the schools and all I could find was full time.  If I'm going to work full time, I'd rather be a classroom teacher, not an aide, but I don't even know where to begin figuring out a teaching license in this state.  I looks like I might need to go through a teacher training program all over again since none of my past licenses are current (California, Idaho and Utah) and it's been 15 years since I graduated from one.

I just feel like we screwed everything up.  I wish so badly that we could rewind life to September 15th, knowing what I know now about Texas, and when the offer comes up, we just ignore it and move on with our life in Utah.

I don't hate it here and there have been many wonderful events and good things have happened.  The people have certainly been kind enough.  But I am truly sorry over having to leave a happy, comfortable, though somewhat non-exciting life.  If I could go back, I would look for more opportunities to challenge ourselves.  I wish so badly that I could rewind time.  I'm so sad about leaving certain friends, friends who only recently came into our lives.  I feel like I ruined the lives of our six kids.  And I feel exhausted by having to start over.  I'm tired of putting myself out there and simply don't want to do it anymore.  It's too hard, too emotionally wrenching for me.

The worst part of all of this is that it is entirely my fault.  I only have myself to blame.  I should have said no, we don't need to do that, but it was Texas and I couldn't resist giving it a try.  When the job opportunity came along, my husband had to "put in for the opening" and request the position.  If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been considered.  I let him put in for it.  It's all my fault.  I should have said no.  I miss my life in Utah and am so sad that we left.  It was a good life.


swedemom said...

This is stage is always hard when you are recognizing what you have lost--and not seeing what you have gained because you haven't lived there long enough to find the upsides.

Many, many hugs to you. I love you, my friend.

JennaK said...

Thanks. I am just so overwhelmingly lonely. I loved moving as a kid/teenager but you had many more chances of making new friends by being in school. As a stay-at-home mom, it is so hard. People at church have been friendly and kind, but nobody has crossed that line from friendly and kind to being a real friend. And I have lost the ability to do it myself. I don't even know who to try and be friends with and everyone keeps getting all mixed up in my head. Plus, I think while Facebook makes things a little easier, it also makes it harder. I joined the FB group for the LDS moms in my area, and I've added quite a few of them as friends, but in real life, we don't really ever talk. It's weird. They had a playgroup one day at a park that was announced via Facebook, so I went to that park but when I got there, I couldn't tell who was in the group or not and was dealing with fussy kids, so I didn't talk to anyone, but at the same time, nobody recognized me or talked to me either (even though I was wearing a BYU shirt, which should have made it obvious I was LDS). I just feel very frustrated.


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