Hopeless

I am in a really dark place right now and see no hope of any light.  I'm writing this because I have to get this out somewhere.  I don't feel like there is anyone in this world whom I can discuss these feelings with because they either end up telling me all the things that are wrong with me and these thoughts I keep having or they try to fix me.  I don't need to be fixed.  Changed, maybe.  But if you're going to try and fix me, it's a lost cause.  Mostly, I just need a listening ear.  Maybe some hope.  Because hope is not something I feel right now.  The world through my eyes right now is bleak and hopeless.  And I'm writing this here because I doubt anybody ever looks at what I write any more.    So it most likely won't get read.

When I was first married, I knew we'd have tough times financially.  And so we did.  And still are.  When my husband first went into management, there were levels, or steps.  When he was at the lowest level of management, there was hope.  Times were hard financially, but the promotion was always around the corner and things could improve.  But now, well, he's at the top for now.  Unless he sets different goals to move up even more, which wasn't ever in the plan, he is stuck at what he is making now.  We've had our ups and downs with debt (more downs than up, but anyway), and currently we are in a major down.  We came awfully close to paying off a lot and then we had about six different things happen that we couldn't pay for but couldn't live without (hello, hot water and air conditioning in the hot, humid South) and racked up the credit card again.  Now we are worse off than ever.  Since his salary isn't going to improve anytime soon, we are stuck.  Stuck in a rut of debt and not enough income.  So now I have to do something.

I looked at my options.  I'm trained as a teacher, but I don't hold a current teaching credential/license/whatever you call it these days in my state.  To get one, I'd need to fork over more money (that I don't have) and take about three big tests (that I'm not prepared for, having been out of school for 17 years).  I could get a job where my husband works and work opposite shifts as him (not at his location, at another one), but I crunched numbers and figured that unless I do that full time, it won't bring in enough extra to really make a dent.  So I decided to try and do a home preschool.  I'm trained as a teacher; I've worked with the primary grades and taught my own kids in preschool, and I have even taught others.  I'm pretty good at it, actually.  But home preschool where I live is an anomaly. Here, they confuse the distinction between a "preschool", which is an early learning program designed to prepare a child for formal school and usually begins the year before said school, sometimes two years, and "daycare/childcare", which is when children are taken care of while their parents both work, sometimes the program involves enrichment to keep children stimulated and sometimes it does not.  This includes children of all ages, many of whom are babies up to school age (because when they get to school age, they are then at school for much of the day and there is no longer a need for full time childcare.  Also confusing is the notorious "mother's day out" where a parent drops their child off for a few hours a couple times a week so they can have a break, and sometimes the program can be more enriching and academically stimulating than other times.  At these, generally speaking, children play games and do crafts, but they are not designed to prepare the child for formal schooling.  Since all of these terms are used interchangeably where I live, things can get pretty confusing.  I'm not required to have a business license to run a home preschool or even a child care license if I have less than 13 students.  But potential clients are always asking about these things and it is often a deterrent when I don't have such a thing.

The other thing I do is teach piano lessons.  I charge a lot less than most private music lessons cost around here.  There are two reasons for this.  Number one is that I was never formally trained in the piano myself. I had a brief stint of private lessons right around the third grade, again in tenth grade, and then one semester in college.  For the most part, though, I am self-taught.  That isn't to say that I don't know music and can't play well, because I am actually pretty good considering I am self taught.  And I did have several years of private violin lessons, plus played for several years in school orchestras, and I spent several years in school choirs and church choirs.  So I do know quite a bit about music theory and techniques and can teach beginning and intermediate lessons.  But if I were questioned on my background, I feel like students (okay, their parents) would be less than willing to pay a steeper price for someone so unclassically trained.  The second reason is because I understand.  I understand what it is like to have very little money to spend on such things and want to be able to help people have a child in music lessons who otherwise couldn't be if they had to pay more.  This might be the wrong approach, I don't know.  It seems there are people who would put their children in music lessons no matter the cost and then there are people who will only do it at the right price.  I guess my target market is the latter, which I think is broader, but charging less than the norm around here makes some people think I don't know what I'm doing. 

The problem with these things is, that while they bring in income (and, I might add, after crunching numbers, more than I could make part time at most other jobs) and allow me to be home with my kids, they also make me very trapped.  I am tied to a very strict schedule.  I can't go anywhere or plan anything on Mondays from 3-5:30, Tuesdays from 9-12 and 3-6, Wednesdays from 9-12 and Thursdays from 9-12 and 3-5:30.  This includes kids' activities and programs.  Gymnastics class is only at 4 pm on Tuesday?  Unless I can arrange a ride there and back, my daughter can't do it.  Child number five has a school program on Thursday at 5:30?  Well, I will either not make it or be late.  And try scheduling doctor, dentist, and orthodontist appointments for seven kids and two adults when the only times you have to work with are Monday mornings and Wednesday afternoons (can't do early afternoons because of baby's nap schedule).  Fridays are okay, except neither the dentist nor the orthodontist see patients on Fridays.  At least the doctor does (so far).

This is where I get all cranky.  I have a serious problem with coveting and jealousy, specifically over this lack of freedom.  I look at my family members who are in better places financially and envy, to a huge degree, the enormous amount of freedom their blessed finances have allowed them.

I hate going into all the beautifully decorated, airy and spacious homes around here for activities or visits and then having to return to my home, which seems so dark and dingy and ugly when I return.  I hate that things never seem to get any better for us.  No, we aren't perfect and we make a lot of mistakes but I feel like we are punished endlessly for our financial mistakes.  And I feel enormous guilt over the things we can't afford to do for our children--for the band trips they won't get to take, for the school shirts and yearbooks they won't get to own, for the memories they won't get to make because we can't afford to go anywhere other than to visit family in other states (and only that every few years).

I wish we could figure out how to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and stop incurring more debt, but with nine mouths to feed, I find that an impossible task.  Yes, I've read all the financial books people always so aptly suggest.  I've looked into programs to figure it out.  But I've never been able to sit down with someone who can look over our budget and tell us what to do tailored to us, and also give us advice on what to do when an emergency comes up that we can't pay for.  Last year when our water heaters went out (yes, both of them), we had to pay $1100 per unit to replace them, and that was WITH a home warranty.  What are we supposed to do because we can't pay for it out of pocket--go without hot water until we can?  Well, it's a year later and at this point, we still wouldn't have been able to come up with $2200.  Same thing happened with the AC.  I know, we are supposed to have a savings account that will cover at least 3 months of bills plus anything else that could potentially go wrong.  So let's see, we're supposed to have $18,000 to cover three months of bills + $2200 for the unexpected water heater deaths + $1500 for the unexpected air conditioning death + $5300 for the homeowners' deductible for when things like hailstorms hit, so in savings from the day we bought this house we should have had $27,000.  So unless we had at least that in our savings account, we probably should not have bought this house?  Well, why wasn't there anyone there to tell us that was the amount we needed?  And even then, who could have foreseen that we'd be bringing in nearly $30,000 less per year only a few years down the road from when we purchased the home?   Any money we did have in savings has been drained from using it to just pay regular bills because  our income has decreased.  Typically, managers make more every year, not less, so this is unusual for his work.  How could we have predicted this?  We did have some savings but it is mostly gone now. 

We try.  We do.  We aren't perfect and sometimes we buy things that we shouldn't, I know that.  I feel horrible guilt anytime I buy anything at all, actually.  Even groceries.  Even gas for my car.  If I happen to buy my child new (okay, used from the thrift store or a Facebook seller site) shoes, I feel terrible guilt that I spent money when I have debt.  Yes, I know more than anyone can tell me how debt is bondage.  I KNOW!  I KNOW!  That's why I want to change it.  But I feel like until I no longer have growing children who NEED things, the possibility of ever ending this depression-and-anxiety-inducing cycle is ZERO.

And so I am hopeless.  I feel nothing but darkness.  There is no light at the end of my tunnel.  Only darkness.  Why should Heavenly Father care about me and my self-induced problems?  Since I (we--it's my spouse too, though I seem to bear the burden entirely on  my shoulder because he just isn't bogged down by the problem like I am) have made financial mistakes, I must bear the consequences of my choices and never have another monetary blessing again until I have paid for my actions.  Which will take a lifetime.  I feel like I need to just accept that I will be in this horrible financial situation forever.  I even try to do that sometimes, but then I see how blissful everyone else is who have so many resources at their fingertips and feel so hopeless because I will never have that.  It's drudgery. 

And I have been called toxic because I can't get past these feelings of hopelessness and self-hate.  I can't even bear to be around other people because I end up feeling so much more hopeless.    I am worthless, hopeless and don't see any way out of these feelings.

My Kids Go to Public School

Lately I have seen dozens of articles on social media and the web in general about how horrible American schools have become.  There are articles promoting home school as the best or only way to educate your children and if you don't home school, you're basically throwing your children to the wolves.  Well, I'm getting a little tired of it.

Are there issues that need addressing in public education?  Of course.  No system is perfect and no doubt, in every system out there, there will be a child who slips through the cracks.  Even with home schooling, there are definite issues that should be examined when making that choice.  And I'm not against home schooling or parents having a choice on how to educate their children.  But I do not like all the negativity I see and read when it comes to public school as a choice.

As a former public school teacher and now the parent of five children in public school, I have seen both sides of this issue.  I have worked with fabulous teachers who dedicate their life work to the children in their classrooms.  They toil over lesson plans and worry about their students' home lives and stew over ways they can help them with their limited resources and all the rules and regulations that restrict them.  And while I have not loved all of the teachers my kids have had, my kids have still thrived in their public school classrooms, even during the years they had teachers I didn't feel were fabulous.

So I want to set the record straight.  Public school teachers are up against some difficult challenges.  They are given a set of standards they have to teach.  They are expected to have all students, no matter their background, at the same level by the end of the year.  They are graded on how well the students do on standardized tests, nevermind that students' scores can vary depending on what is going on in their individual life at that time and some may just be so nervous about taking tests that they do poorly no matter how well they know the subject material or how well they've prepared for the test.  The testing method is not conducive to all styles of student learning, yet teachers are graded on student performance on said tests.  Yes, there are changes that probably should be made but until they are, this is what teachers are facing.

And I'm getting really tired of feeling like a bad parent because I choose to put my kids in public school.  I spent the last few evenings and days walking with my three older kids around their schools and meeting their teachers for this year.  They are going to have some fantastic teachers and I'm excited for them!  They ran into lots of their friends while walking the halls and compared schedules to see they have classes together and lunches together and lockers near each other. 

I'm excited that my 5th grader gets to try art and choir and band and that he gets to have several different teachers and interact with a lot of different students throughout the day.  Is there a chance he'll be bullied?  Of course.  But we have had trouble with our own children bullying each other in the past, so it's not like public school is the only venue for bullying.  Is there a chance that he'll encounter situations that are opposite to what we teach religiously in our home?  Of course.  But hopefully he'll talk to us about it like he's done in the past, and we'll have some teaching moments.  Hopefully he'll remember what we've taught him and stand up for his beliefs or ignore whatever it is, if it calls for just being ignored.

I know for a fact that if my kids were home schooled, they would have limited opportunities to go out and meet people (due to the fact that I'm an introvert and don't like going out and meeting people, even when I know them really well, it's hard for me to leave the comfort of my  home) and limited opportunity to try new things, due to a very limited budget--public schools offer these things for free or very cheap comparatively.  It doesn't cost me anything for my son to have a choral music elective once a week for the entire school  year, for example.  If he were home schooled, he'd have to join a children's choir group, which around here are not cheap in the slightest, and I would have to drive him to and from all the rehearsals.  But he gets to do it at school during the school day for free.  Why is that a bad thing?

My high school student gets to take architecture!  I have no idea how I would even give him that resource if I were home schooling.  I could give examples of this in almost every subject area for which I have a limited knowledge base.  So while home schooling definitely works for some people, I just know it wouldn't work for me. 

Am I throwing them to the wolves, from a Christian standpoint, by sending them to public school?  I don't think so.  They are part of this world and they have to learn to get along with society, even with people who don't believe the same way they do.  I realize that this might create a situation where they might stray from my teachings and follow the teachings of someone else that differs.  I don't like that idea at all.  However, I am intelligent enough to know that they could do that anyway as adults, or young adults, if I were to home school them to keep them protected from the world.  If my kids were home schooled, they probably wouldn't be around very many people who are different than them.  The home schooling groups I am aware of in my area consist of many likeminded families (same religion, same social class, even same skin color).  My kids wouldn't have their Latino and Indian friends who practice other religions if they were home schooled.  It would all be white middle class Mormons.

My high school student's principal posted this on his Facebook page earlier this week:

"It is one of the most important things for me to do as we get close to starting school. This will be my 41st year and I am excited. Today I walk the campus in prayer for our kids and our school. I pray that God would bless this place with greatness and more especially with kindness and service. I pray for our staff to be relational and to love kids. I pray for the safety of our place. I pray for guidance and I pray to be able to give my best with kids and staff always at the forefront of my mind. I pray for the energy and enthusiasm it takes to do this job and to be able to listen and respond with vision. I pray for humor and I pray for the incredible support it takes from family, ESC, staff, parents, community and the kids. I praise God for the opportunity to do this calling and to be the best I can be. We have a great place and i send incredible praise to our Lord for this. I pray.....ceaselessly for our WHS campus and Pirates. Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord!"

I feel pretty confident right now that my kids are right where they are supposed to be.  Will they have problems?  Yes.  Will they come across people who are mean?  Most definitely.  But public school will not ruin them the way so many in this country seem to think it will.  They will be just fine.  And I'm excited for another school year for them.