At What Point

At what point do things let up? What are the numbers they are shooting for? If a vaccine happens, are they going to force people to have it?

Example: at church we can't sing, we can't even have hymnals in the pews.  At what point will they say,  it's okay to have hymnbooks now. It's okay for the priests to bless the sacrament without showing the congregation they are putting hand sanitizer on their hands.  It's okay to not wear a mask. It's okay to not separate everyone by several pews.  It's okay to have Sunday school and primary and other classes.  

I've been saying this from the start. At what point will any of that be okay?  It's not like this  illness will just disappear. Although, I suppose we could hope and pray for that and maybe it would eventually.  But that's not likely to be the case.  We will eventually have to find a way to live life with this illness (as we have with the thousands of other illnesses that infect us regularly). 

When can we go to a high school football game without limiting how many people per family can attend?  When will we be able to have in-person music lessons?  When will we be able to have a church youth activity without requiring masks and "social distancing"?  I hate that term.  It's not even really a thing.  I don't believe there is any scientific evidence to back up whether "social distancing" (staying six feet or more apart from other people) even mitigates the spread of this virus.  I'm not sure it does.  

I think the longer we draw this out, the longer we require these draconian measures (masking, "social distancing", oversanitizing everything), the longer this whole thing will last.  I feel like death isn't something we, as human beings, have a lot of control over stopping.  We only think we do.  And safety?  There isn't anything in this world or life that can be 100% safe?  All the crazy sanitizing we're doing?  That's not 100% safe either.  In fact, that can cause superbugs that are resistant to antibiotics and other drugs and even the things we use to clean with.  It's not safe to constantly be using hand sanitizer and clorox bleach everywhere and all the time!  

I wish I could eloquently formulate how this all makes me feel.  Every time I get an email from our bishop saying "Come back to church! But you are only welcome every other week with these ten other families and remember to not talk to anyone while you're here and social distance and use hand sanitizer and don't sing!" makes me want to vomit and I feel a lurch in my stomach.  

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!  STOP CALLING IT THE "NEW NORMAL!"  That indicates that this is how things will be from here on out FOREVER.  If this is temporary (how many times have I heard "this is the new normal, but it's only temporary!"?), STOP CALLING IT NORMAL!  It's not normal to not be allowed to socialize with regular hugging and touching and smiling and making of other faces, etc.  It's not normal to have to sanitize your hands every time you go into a classroom and then leave that classroom.

I truly, truly do not believe that all of these measures are really making a difference.  I think they are all more for show--so people who are afraid can feel like something is being done to keep them safe.  I'm tired of these words and phrases:  "new normal", "social distancing", "safety", "let's stay safe", "let's keep everyone safe".  

I don't understand why, if you are a person who is afraid of getting sick and possibly dying, why you can't just stay home?  Why can't you carry your hand sanitizer and wear your mask?  Why can't you keep six feet, etc. from other people?  Why does EVERYONE have to do it?  

The worst part is that I'm not allowed to feel this way.  I'm not allowed to express my concern that this has gone on too long, that this has been taken too far.  I'm not allowed to suggest that living like this isn't good for anyone.  I'm only allowed to comply and agree that "it's for the greater good".  Where have we heard that before?  If I try to express my anxiety over it, my dislike of how things are, my absolute desire to not live this way, that not living would be better, I'm told that I'm crazy and stupid, that I'm wrong, and that maybe I should catch coronavirus and die (or someone I love should) and that would show me that these draconian measures are needed. 

You know what?  Whenever another bug is going around, be it a stomach virus causing a lot of throwing up or the seasonal flu and everyone in the area seems to be catching it,  I sometimes worry that we'll catch it.  And then when we do, I wonder if I could have done something to prevent it.  We wash our hands.  We try to avoid sick people, and so on and so forth.  But, in the end, sometimes YOU. JUST. GET. SICK.  Sometimes, you can't figure out how you got something.  And you'll never know why.  Trying to figure that out causes great anxiety.  I know, because I am a person of great anxiety. 

I'm not afraid of catching coronavirus.  I'm not even afraid of dying if I do catch it.  I'm not afraid of having someone in my immediate family die of it either.  I trust that if that happens, it's because God allowed it to.  Dying isn't the worst thing that can happen.  It's far worse to live a life in fear, anxiety, depression, isolation, and misery.  I'd rather die than live such a miserable existence.

New Goal

Last month as I was cleaning out the stack of magazines we keep in the bathroom, I realized that I have not been reading the monthly issues of our church's magazines that we still subscribe to.  I like to have paper copies because I like to be able to flip through them and see what catches my attention.  It's easier that way than looking at a small box on a screen with the title of the article on it.  The graphics catch my attention more than the title usually.  But I hadn't been reading them.  So I went through the stack and found that I had a couple years' worth of the magazine.  I cleaned it all out, put back the most recent copies and made a stack of the magazine for all of 2019 by my bed.  It has been my goal to read each issue from cover to cover.  I'm doing this at as rapid of a pace as I can because I want to catch up to the current month.  Of course, with each month that passes, I will have one more magazine to read before I catch up to where we are.  And then, my new goal will be to read them from cover to cover as they come out.

Since I made that goal, I have read through four issues in about a month's time.  There have been many articles that have truly jumped out and spoken to me and been absolutely something I needed to read.  Other articles I haven't read as deeply, just skimmed.  After reading the fourth magazine, which had quite a few very deep, poignant articles in relation to my struggles in life, I decided that I needed to journal all of this reading.  So I pulled out the journal I have set aside for scripture study, which is mostly empty  (I have a very hard time just reading scriptures; I need direction with my reading!), and decided to catalog all of the articles that have jumped out at me.  I feel like writing things down will help me remember the instructions I receive and the impressions I feel and better apply them in my life. 

This is my new goal.  I needed to share it in order to really make it real.