I wish I could make my anxiety go away. It is with me constantly. The thing is, when I have read about anxiety in general, it is usually based in some fear--fear of social situations, fear of having a traumatic event happen to you, that sort of fear. My anxiety is from not knowing. My anxiety is from fears on how life will go.
I have anxiety about my oldest getting up in the morning. He doesn't get up to his alarm. It will ring, sometimes for an hour or more. Sometimes he'll get up and snooze it so it will keep ringing. But then he never gets up. I don't know if that's a conscious choice or if he's not really awake when he does it. Sometimes he'll get up and turn it off instead of snoozing it. Then he claims he didn't know he did that. I usually end up pounding on his door to get him up. Every night I wake up around 2 am and can't get back to sleep because I know he will not get up to his alarm. I hope he will. But he doesn't. Every. single. morning. So the second oldest who relies on him for a ride to his early morning seminary class will wake me up to take him. I'll pound on the oldest's door on my way down to put on my shoes and grab my purse to take the other one. He will get up and go to the class also but we usually pass each other, me coming home from dropping off his brother while he's heading over to the church. Why do I have anxiety over this? It's not my problem really. I mean, I will take the other one to the class and that is a given. I'm usually already awake at 5:30 anyway. But my anxiety comes from the worry that when my oldest is on his own (assuming he actually gets to that point) that he won't get up for a college class or his job. He'll then fail the class or get fired from a job. Maybe that's the only way for him to learn to get up. But I kind of wish he had already learned that lesson at home. When he lived with my brother's family for the summer, to my knowledge they did not wake him up for work and he got up on his own. How? I don't know.
I have anxiety over finances. We have tried for years unsuccessfully to get fully out of debt. The biggest culprit is the fact that we own subpar cars and homes that are always in need of repairs and we don't make enough money to keep up with the work that needs to be done, so inevitably, something big comes up that we can't pay for (despite having some money in savings and trying to be prepared for these things--we really do try) and we end up having to use a credit card to pay for the bill. Like when our hot water heaters went out three years ago. Yes, two of them at once. The way the house is built, it requires two. They both went out. We needed to replace them. That was covered under the warranty. But the way they were piped in was not up to code and had to be redone. That's what hit us hard. Several thousand dollars we did not have. So we had to charge it. Then, we hit covid19 shutdowns and I stopped teaching piano lessons and doing preschool. I missed out on two months of pay for April and May for both. That was about $1900 for those months. Then I didn't have piano lessons in June or August either, which I usually do, and that was another $1900. So we were $3800 dollars. Then my husband's store became less busy and despite his company helping by supplementing a little, it hasn't been enough and he has made $500-$1000 less per month for eight months. So we have been down for the year $7800-$11800. Monthly it's been killing us. My anxiety stems from not being able to pay a necessary bill and then having that utility shut off or being foreclosed on and then being essentially homeless. I'm told we'll never be homeless because we have people who will help us out. But I worry that we will actually be in that situation, which is a terrifying prospect. I was only able to resume my piano lessons with five of my fifteen students. So that's one-third of what I was making before. And I resumed my preschool but neither student is paying...instead we are doing exchanges. Which is fine because they are providing services we want, but it doesn't help us out financially at all. With the new president-elect and his promise to cut the oil industry and raise taxes, I know that prices will rapidly increase and just affording basic groceries and gas will become difficult, much less our other bills when he shuts us down for 4-6 weeks and nobody can work at all unless they are able to work virtually, which my husband cannot. His company could fold and then where will we be? I'm telling you, the financial instability right now is terrifying. So far for the past eight months, we haven't had to use the credit card and have been pulling from savings, but we have quickly depleted it and have about one-fourth of what we had in there at the beginning of March.
I have anxiety over church-related issues. I have anxiety over my calling. I'm the music person and have been asked to prepare a musical Sacrament meeting for Christmas but with NO SINGING. This is proving to be tricky when a lot of the instrumental musicians are not planning on being there that Sunday AND many are still doing church virtually and wouldn't be coming in anyway. My ward choir director has moved away and there is nobody that can do her job. Nobody else knows how to lead a choir. I'm certain they will persuade me to do it, if we ever even have the chance to sing again (seems very unlikely that will happen anytime in the coming year). I'm not excited about church for other reasons too. So much of it is virtual and it seems fake to me. Also, the new youth program is a huge failure for my family. Or I guess I should say that my family is failing at it. There is no accountability; there is no motivation; and with all things virtual, there is no support.
I have anxiety over how the world is today. Yes, all things I can't control and I know that. I know it's a stupid thing to have anxiety over. My kids are addicted to their devices. That is the biggest reason they are failures in the youth program. They don't have time to work on improving themselves because they are too busy chatting with their friends online and playing games online and watching Youtube videos (hopefully appropriate ones). That's another thing. I don't really know how, and neither does my husband, to monitor our kids' use of electronics and the virtual world. We tried an Internet filter but that doesn't work on data used for cell phones, so any content the filter would remove they could still view on their phones (the ones that have phones). It's to the point where I've taken away devices from all of the kids who are under 12. I have a pile of tablets in my dresser. I think there are five or six of them. And I have no intention of ever returning them to the kids.
I have anxiety over covid19. Not getting the illness, no. That I don't worry about. We are following all protocols (despite not liking it and complaining about it). I think we'll get it eventually. I also think we'll most likely live through it. I'm more worried about how much this will remove from our lives by way of activities and events. We have an In-N-Out event on Monday and I found out that people who are quarantined for exposure, not those who are actually sick, can't go, even though it's outside with masks and there isn't going to be a lot of interaction between people because it's an amusement park where people do their own thing. Everything is taken away for two weeks due to these foolish quarantines. Yes, quarantine those actually sick. But quit quarantining everyone else, for crying out loud! It's really giving me anxiety. In fact, I will probably get sick because my immune system is compromised due to my lack of sleep and general state of constant depression that I am in.
I have anxiety over food storage. I do not know how to do build it up successfully. We have tried and have something but when push comes to shove, I'm not sure I really know how to use what I have. I have anxiety about family history. We're still supposed to be doing it but I don't even know how to do it and especially with it being so technology based. I didn't used to be tech-inept, not in my younger days, but sometime during my time as a stay-at-home mom, the technology surpassed my ability to keep up with it and now it just stresses me out.
I have anxiety over my husband's health. Not really covid related but he does have a weight problem and the lack of desire to be healthy. He did great earlier this year losing weight. Then he had surgery and was out of commission for exercising for about a month and since then he hasn't been very good about getting into a routine with it again. He'll go 1-2 days then take a week break, then try again. For a while before the surgery, he was watching what he ate--he cut out soda and cut way back on the sweets and junky snacks but now he's back at it right how he was before. He lost 40+ pounds and gained 10+ back. And then there's me. I want to lose 10-15 pounds but I can't get into a good exercising routine. I hate going to the gym but I can't figure out a good way to fit it in otherwise.
Life is anxiety-inducing to me and I live in a constant state of near-panic. It's not a good way to live. I don't sleep well and I don't eat well and I'm always worried about something. I often wonder if people really live without these worries. I don't know how to not worry about these things.
