I hate peeling oranges. But I love eating them. Especially Little Clementines. Especially while they're in season (like right now). But I hate peeling them. The stuff gets up in my nails and my hands smell like oranges for hours. Not to mention how very cold the tips of my fingers always get.
I used to buy oranges but because I refused to peel them, they would sit and sit and sit and then go bad.
I've finally come to the conclusion that my husband is not always going to be there to peel the oranges for me. I have to do it if I want to eat that sweet, juicy fruit.
Sometimes, you just have to be the one to peel those oranges.
"So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too"
When my daughter woke up this morning, too early as usual, I pulled her into bed with us. She lay there quietly for a minute, just looking at me and smiling. I looked into those soft brown eyes and at that perfectly beautiful face.
Does my daughter even realize how precious she is?
My daughter, who is 2 years old, is very confident in herself. She is happy and inquisitive, and simply beautiful, as all daughters are at this age.
But for a lot of them, something changes. Life whips it out of them. So how do I teach my daughter that she is indeed beautiful and perfect just the way she is while the world around her screams at her the exact opposite? How do I instill in her that confidence?
Perhaps there was a day, once upon a time, that I felt that true confidence in myself. When I thought I was beautiful, like my daughter, who tells me "I pretty", when I went about my day unafraid and confident in what I did. By my teens, I certainly wasn't that way. I don't blame my parents, but I wonder, was there something they could have done differently in raising me that could have helped with my confidence and self-esteem, or would it have happened anyway just by my personality and how I interact with the world around me? Is there something I can do to make sure my daughter knows she is a person of great worth, despite what the world may shout at her?
I mention daughters, not sons, only because boys tend to be less aware of the world, or at least less focused on it, than girls do. Not that they can't or won't be swayed by what messages they receive about body image, self-esteem, inner and outer beauty, but they seem less affected by it in the same way girls are.
Since today is the last day of 2009, it's time to have some goals for the new year. In 2005, after having my second child, I really wanted to set goals but also accomplish them, so I set up this system of little things I could do every day to accomplish one big goal (like losing the baby weight, so I exercised either Pilates or walking every day). It worked well for me, so I did it again in 2006, but it wore me out. It wore me out to the point I haven't really set goals at the new year since. However, I am a goal-oriented person. Having goals and an idea in my head of how to accomplish them makes me feel like I'm doing something. Like my life is in order, organized, instead of chaotic and messy (even though chaotic and messy is really more or less what real life is like).
So this year, I decided that I need to set goals again. I've been thinking about what I want to accomplish next year for about the last month or two. I want to be a better mother--more patient with my children, spend less time online and more time doing interactive activities with them. I want to be healthier, more fit. Actually take the vitamins that are filling up my cupboard and stretch every day to try and regain some of that awesome flexibility I had a decade ago. Maybe learn yoga. I want to write a book. I realize I probably say that every year, but every year I do nothing to accomplish that goal and I feel time slipping away. The only dream I've ever had since I was a kid besides being a wife and mom was to write a book and be a published author. I'm 32 and haven't even come close to realizing that dream. I'd also like to re-learn the violin, and I'm trying to decide if I should take formal lessons again to refresh my memory on certain techniques or if I should just buy a beginner/intermediate level book and go from there. I do remember some, I picked it up the other day and played a bunch of primary songs.
I need to be more spiritual, read the scriptures every day and pray every day, two things that for some reason, I find painfully difficult to do. I have my children pray morning and night regularly, but I myself hardly ever do it anymore. I also want to find a better way to manage the family finances and maybe tuck some away in savings. Maybe find some way to bring in a little extra cash to pay off those debts and save for another house (which all seems SO far in the future).
Okay, so I have a lot I want to accomplish and maybe I should write these down in an achievable way instead of just blurting out all that I want to do. Too hard to do while I'm trying to manage my children at the same time, so I'm signing off for now...
I can't find the balance between being a mom and being a person. For the most part, the "mom" me is me. It's too hard to separate the two, but in essence, because I can't separate me the person from me the mom, I end up just being me the mom. Does that make sense?
There are many parts of me that have been ignored since having children. I used to be an interesting person. I read good books, studied about other places and cultures, kept up on current events. I played the violin, the guitar and the piano. I tried to stay involved in church or school or community. I was active, joining the church basketball team or going hiking with friends or going out country dancing.
I've tried to incorporate some of those activities into my life as a mom, but I find that it is too stressful and distracting to try and be that person on top of trying to raise four children. If I sit down to play the piano, either all my children are climbing all over me trying to play on the piano too or they are in the toy room destroying it.
I feel like if I try to do anything that interests me, I'm being way too selfish and neglecting my children. I just can't seem to figure out how to do all that I want, like even keeping up with this blog. I love to write, and probably could get much better at it if I ever had time to actually do it. Moments like these right now are rare, and, in fact, I can think of about a half dozen other things that are probably more important and need to get done while the kids are in bed before I'm too tired to do them.
So I guess me the person surrenders to me the mom. I have to put her aside for a few more years. If I don't, then I will just continue to feel like a horrible mom who neglects her children. Yet, if I do put her aside, then I feel like a worthless person with nothing to offer.
When I was growing up, December was my favorite month of the year. Everything about it was glorious to me. The cold that caused your breath to come out in little white puffs. The homes brilliantly lit with thousands of colorful lights. The boughs of holly and bright red berries decorating doorways and stores and everything. The fact that my birthday falls a few days before Christmas. The wondering and waiting for Christmas morning, the excitement to watch family members open gifts from me and the thrill of opening my own gifts. I loved it all.
Back in those days, I was able to earn my own money baby-sitting, and around this time of year, I spent much of that money on cards and gifts for my friends and family. I started sending out Christmas cards in the sixth grade. Yes, you read that right. Sixth grade. That year I sent them to my closest friends, and probably some cousins and friends who lived in other places. And every year after that, I always had at least a dozen cards that I would send out.
I loved wearing Christmas sweaters and little Santa hats and just red, green and white. I used to have a whole wardrobe just for Christmas.
The music in choir and orchestra--Silver Bells, The Carol of the Bells, Candlelight Carol, Wassail, the Hallelujah Chorus--so many of my favorites we sung and played. One year, when I was in 8th grade, I got to lead my junior high school orchestra at the winter concert in a few pieces. I remember that I wore a white skirt with a red Christmas sweater to conduct. I wanted to stand out. I think most everyone else in the orchestra wore dark colors, but I wore that bright red and white. I think the concert may have been on my birthday, or very close to it.
Fast forward a decade or two.
I haven't really listened to any Christmas music this year.
I don't own any Christmas-specific clothes, just a red sweater or two.
I do still send out Christmas cards, and I love to do that.
My son asked me today why we can't just use rocks to trade for what we need and want instead of money. He said there seemed to be a lot more rocks than money, so we should just use rocks.
Christmas just isn't the delight it used to be for me. We just never seem to have enough time or money to do everything we want with the season. I don't know how to ignore all that and focus on the one thing that really matters, which is Christ. How do I focus only on that and teach my children to focus on that when everywhere around me is talk of the best Christmas deal and Santa Claus and how I HAVE to get my son's teacher a gift and I HAVE to take all my neighbors plates full of goodies and I HAVE to do this and that and everything in between.
And then yesterday I stopped to think. Why is Christmas this necessity? We spent a bare minimum on Christmas this year. Yet, I wonder, that money could probably be much better spent on something more important.
I was inspired by this on someone else's blog, so I decided to write about the women who've made a difference in my life. I've been blessed by so many great and wonderful women in my life, probably too many, in fact, to mention here, but I wanted to pay tribute to the women who've touched my life the most.
First and foremost, of course, is my mother. Not only did she sacrifice her own wants and desires in raising me and my brothers, but she taught me how to be a mother. Her example of faith and perseverance has really helped me to push forward even when times are tough. She set a great example in our home of spirituality and trusting in the Lord. I know there are times when she struggled with motherhood, but she never gave up and still doesn't.
The next woman who has inspired me is my sister-in-law Andrea. I love all my sisters-in-law and think they are all spectacular, but for me, Andrea is like the sister I never had. That's probably because she was my first sister-in-law. I have all brothers, so when we grew up and started dating to marry, I was excited to gain some "sisters". I was lucky to gain the ones I did--Allison, Kaori and Eve are all also fantastic and I love and admire them in different ways. But Andrea is my paragon of perfection. She is Supermom (with 6 kids, the youngest two being twins), she keeps busy but makes time for others in her life. She's everyone's friend, and by that, I mean she is really a true friend. She listens and loves and doesn't judge. She also keeps her children engaged in wholesome, meaningful activities, she is a superb cook, she is talented in music, she's athletic, she's just great. Sometimes I think I'd like to BE Andrea. Just so I could be such a great person too.
Next comes my mom's baby sister, my Aunt Ruth. Like Andrea, she excels in so many areas and seems to keep it all together. Even through the passing of one of her children as an infant and other hard trials she's dealt with (having a surprise baby in her 40's and caring for her aging father for many years, to name a few), she is happy, upbeat, and faithful in all she does. She has earned the place of confidante of her nieces and she is just a truly great person.
Next is my mother-in-law, Marti. I hear so often of women complaining of their mothers-in-law. How they are always butting in on childrearing and housekeeping. They are critical of everything. But my mother-in-law is not like that at all. she is so nice, she pays the same amount of attention to all her grandkids (and I don't think she even tries, she just does it), she doesn't judge or anything. She has also had her share of trials, losing her husband of 20+ years to cancer fairly young (in his 40's) who was also her high school sweetheart had to be difficult. Yet she still carries on with a cheerful heart.
Another woman I admire is my friend, Melissa. The first ward my husband and I lived in as a married couple, my husband and Melissa's husband were in the Elder's Quorum presidency together. When I first met Melissa, she had just had her fourth child. Her oldest was just 7. I respected that Melissa was a stay-at-home mom and her husband didn't have a high profile, lucrative career. They were sacrificing a lot to make ends meet, and she is another of those women who just seems to know how to be a mom and a wife and do it all with cheerfulness and faith. Today, 8-1/2 years later, Melissa now has 8 children and has seen her husband go from one job to another, but still, she finds joy in life despite the hardships she has faced.
Whitney was in the same elementary education cohort of mine in college. The first day of the cohort, I came in the auditorium and sat down behind her. She was talking to someone else, and I overheard her conversation. She had been married a short time, about a year, and was just gushing over how in love with her husband she was. Not only that, but as I got to know her, she breathed this enthusiasm for life and God's creations that I just can't do no matter how hard I try. She finds joy in every little thing around her. I only knew her those two short years. One short 6 week spring term we had a class together on another campus that we carpooled together for. During that time I learned that she joined the Church as a teenager and faced trials in that. Her husband is military and has spent some time away from home. I don't know her now as a mother very well because when we graduated, she had a baby and I moved on to teach school in another state. Then she moved even further away and today lives overseas. I get newsletters from her time to time, and she still has that never-ending optimism and enthusiasm that I can't even fake. I am grateful that she still includes me in some aspects of her life, being that we weren't the best of friends even then, but her example has meant a lot to me.
The last person I want to pay tribute to is my cousin's wife Lori. In June, just a few weeks after having her fourth child, who was a long time coming after she'd had several miscarriages, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. She is currently undergoing treatments for the cancer, but when she's not at doctor's appointments, she maintains a full, busy life. Did I mention that her oldest child is only 7? I think if it were me, I would be sitting in bed bemoaning my fate in life. But she does fun activities with her kids, she keeps busy with her social life and she takes great care of her husband, despite how tired her cancer treatments are making her. He works two jobs to provide for them and I know that money is tight, but yet they still manage to find happiness and hope.
There are so many more women that I could highlight, former roommates of mine, friends from different wards I've lived in, even friends from high school who are now doing amazing things with their lives as mothers and wives and teachers and friends.
I guess what I need to glean from all these examples is to find joy in life even when things are hard, which they always seem to be. Thank you, my beautiful sisters, for bringing me hope by your shining examples.
