It's All About Me!

At the beginning of the summer, I stumbled into this blog post from ScaryMommy, a link on BlogFrog. It was sarcastically poking fun at the other blog post by Courtney.

To summarize, in case you don't want to click over to the blog posts, the blog post by Courtney was issuing a "Summer Marriage Challenge", which I tried to follow until I got sick with the pregnancy and couldn't function normally. Basically the challenge involved doing things for your husband to put his needs (and wants) first, before your own. Pray for him, even fast for him, ask him what his needs are, ask him what his goals are for the family, show him you love him by doing things for him and focusing on him for the summer rather than yourself. In all the literature I've read on marriage, both LDS and not, one huge key to a long, happy marriage is putting the other person before yourself; in other words, being unselfish.

I had left a comment on ScaryMommy's post defending Courtney's point of view on it because so many others were leaving comments that they would never do that, how old-fashioned, how backwards, etc., etc. The one that particularly irked me was the comment left by someone saying she was Mormon and would never consider doing such a thing, it was so backwards.

Because I left a comment, that triggered an email system where I get emailed every time someone else has left a comment after mine. So I've been getting emails from ScaryMommy's blog all summer, probably in the hundreds because so many comments were left on that post.

This is the most recent comment that was left, which I received in an email on Friday:

Personally, I have a major problem with putting "another person’s needs before [one's] own." And thankfully, I live with someone who has the same policy. If I'm not happy, then my boyfriend won't be happy either. That goes both ways. All each person can do is fix their own crap in their head (and yes, we all have some of it in there) and work on fulfilling their own needs. Trying to please someone all the time else will only lead to trouble...and major unhappiness.

Really? What is so wrong with trying to put another person's needs before your own? Perhaps if more people did that, there would be less hatred in the world and more love. More peace and less war. More marriages might last and the divorce rate might go down. Not that there is never a justifiable cause for divorce, because there certainly is, but if everyone (including me) was less selfish and focused on putting the other person before themselves, the love would increase. It's not about "trying to please someone all the time". It's about looking outside yourself and focusing on someone else for once.

After I read this comment (I actually haven't read most of them, just pressed delete upon seeing the email in my inbox), I was disgusted that this is the mentality of so many people out in the world. No wonder there is so much divorce, anger, rage, bullying, etc.

Of course, I have my own vices in this area, as many of you know. Which is why I felt that Courtney's challenge was a good one. I recognize the need for selflessness. It is hard to do because we are, by nature, selfish people. But it blows me away to realize that so many people are so against being unselfish toward their partner. I'd like to check back in 15 years to all these people who left similar comments and see if their marriages are still intact. That would be an interesting survey anyway. And after reading that comment and realizing that I wasn't doing a very good job and being unselfish, I decided I need to do better. I don't want to fall into that category. I have been taught all my life the right way to treat other people, especially my spouse, and I need to be better. That comment was a slap in the face to me.

Camping

I have been camping in my life a total of eight times. Yes, that was a one-digit number. I can remember camping with my family one time ever, and it was not the fondest memory I have. My dad was grouchy, which, in turn, made my mom grouchy, which in turn, made us kids grouchy. I don't recall even roasting marshmallows or anything of that nature that night, and I'm pretty sure we just had sandwiches for dinner and left before breakfast. I was ten.

Five other times I camped were girls' camp. I didn't go to my 6th year. I went to girls' camp in Texas the first four years and absolutely loved it. We had a very tight-knit stake and I loved being able to spend time with my friends in other wards that I never saw. We camped in some pretty cool places too. My fifth year was in Utah and I was less than impressed with the camp. For one thing, nights were freezing. In the middle of July, I was unable to sleep because of how cold it was. There weren't very many activities during the day either. And the leaders discouraged us from spending time with other wards--they wanted us to just hang out with our own ward. In Texas, we had activities ranging from horseback riding to archery to canoeing and kayaking. In Utah, we had crafts. I really didn't like it. So I didn't return for my sixth year. I used cheerleading and work as my excuse--I was too busy.

The next time I went camping was with one of my expert camping friends and two other girls in college. We went for a whole weekend, just us girls, to Fish Lake. By then I had figured out how to beat the cold (wear a hat and thermal underwear) and it was a great experience. That was in 1999.

The next time I camped was last summer, 2009, at a ward campout. Because we were in Arizona, and we had no information about the campground, we were unprepared for the weather. It was quite cold and we didn't have warm pajamas, extra blankets, or even jackets. It rained all night. We were freezing. The kids cried a lot, and I forgot my earplugs, so we didn't sleep. We left at about 6 am, after our kids had been up for 2 hours.

Tonight is a ward campout. We didn't own a tent until yesterday. Last year, we borrowed my parents' tent. Even though we didn't camp as a family, my parents raised 5 Eagle scouts and still have much of their camping gear stored. So yesterday, my husband and I went to the highly recommended outdoor store and spent nearly $800 on a tent and two sleeping bags (the kids already have sleeping bags).

I wondered why we were spending so much money when we are not campers. My husband has been camping a total of about five times in his life--a couple father/sons campouts when he was a kid and two since becoming a dad, plus that ward campout last year.

He insists that now that we have a really good quality tent we will camp more.

I wonder.

I will not be camping tonight. I will be joining them for the dutch oven dinner and games and then taking our daughter home to sleep in the warm house. It is supposed to be in the 40's tonight. I hope my boys will be warm enough. I can't camp right now. Sleeping in a place without a bathroom ten feet away would be a nightmare, since I'm up about six times a night to pee right now.

I'm excited for the dutch oven dinners. Those are always so good. The best part of the ward campout is that dinner and breakfast are provided. I might pack up some ingredients for s'mores for the boys. Hopefully we have fun tonight, despite the cold, and we'll go camping again. Although I sincerely doubt it will be until next summer, when it warms up again.

In Awe

I stand in awe at the women who've gone before me, of the mothers who've sacrificed selflessly and cheerfully while raising up children who turn out to be successful, righteous adults.

How did they do it?

Did they cry all the tears that I cry when I can't get my little ones to stay in bed at night? Did they cheerfully wipe away the huge puddle of milk, splattered across the entire kitchen floor for the third time that day or did they do that through their tears too, like I do?

Did they force themselves off the couch after a long day of fighting nausea to make dinner for children who whine that they are hungry all day but then refuse to even taste the meal prepared?

Did they do all that with a smile?

Because I am miserably failing at the whole cheerful and smiling part of motherhood.

Yes, failing miserably.

To the point where, when I smile or laugh at something, my kids look alarmed and ask if I'm in a good mood.

Isn't that sad?

I really don't know how to do all of this cheerfully on a regular basis.

Life is a lot harder than I was ever led to believe it was. I think I'm really struggling with the reality of that.

Anyway, those mothers who seem to do all that is required of them cheerfully, I bow down to you.

Homeowners Associations

I hate homeowners associations. So does everyone else I've ever met. I have not ever met one person who thinks they are a good idea. So how is it that they are still in existence?

For us, we haven't been able to buy a house in a neighborhood without a HOA. It seems that if you want to escape a HOA, you have to buy a fixer-upper or buy in a really upscale, well established neighborhood, neither of which is something we desire. We have no idea how to fix up a house that needs repairs and we can't afford to buy in a well-established neighborhood. So we bought a house here and of course, we have a wretched HOA to deal with yet again.

And really, what do they do with all that money? In our most recent neighborhood, we paid dues that were about $75/month. There were more than 1500 homes in our neighborhood, so if each homeowner was paying those dues, that HOA was bringing in over $100,000/month! Yet our parks were still dirty with broken swings and such, and I swear they spent all their money on sending out flyers telling us that we left our garbage can out 15 minutes too long on garbage day. It seems with that amount of money, the neighborhood should have been really nice and very clean. Not to mention, some HOA's have cable or water or something wrapped up the fees, but this one didn't. There was no community pool to keep up or community center to air condition either.

Anyway, that's my gripe for the day. Not that we've had any problems with our current HOA, because we haven't, but I still hate them. I know of a HOA that won't let the residents own pets. They can't own a dog in their own home on their own property because of their HOA. How dumb is that?

On and Off

I have really been having on and off days lately. I don't remember it getting this bad in my previous pregnancies, but that's probably because I didn't have children in school so there was nowhere that we absolutely had to be any given day (except church on Sunday) and certainly no pressure to get dressed. (Yes, I feel like I should get dressed to walk my son to the bus stop--I think wearing pajamas for such a thing, for leaving the house at all, is inappropriate. Just the way I was raised.)

Last week I had one really good day. I hardly felt sick at all and it happened to coincide with a day that my husband only worked a short shift, so he was home the rest of the day. Because I was feeling so good, we went out that night as a family to a high school football game and had a great time.

But other than that one day, for the last seven, I have really felt yucky. It's hard to manage the family when feeling so nauseated. The medication is helping take the edge off, I think--I'm afraid to not take and see how bad I truly might feel. I did make it to church on Sunday, but I'm considering taking a little break from church when I can, which shows how terrible I feel. I haven't missed church for pregnancy or childbearing, except the two weeks immediately following the birth of any one of my children, ever. I've already missed church twice this pregnancy, using my daughter's runny nose as an excuse to stay home, when really, I just didn't have it in me to go.

I am not the kind of person to slack off, even when I'm not feeling good. I still keep up with housework and feeding my family and the whole shebang. But this pregnancy is really doing me in. We all pitched in and cleaned the house today, but it had been nearly a month since any vacuuming, bathroom-cleaning, or dusting had been done and the clutter that had built up in that time was impressive.

Anyway, I just wish that the weeks wouldn't drag by so slowly. The nine months of pregnancy are always the slowest nine months ever. In the past 9 years, so 108 months, I've been pregnant for 36 of them, and those have been the slowest time periods. I am only 10 weeks along now, but I feel like I've been pregnant FOREVER. And I don't remember what it feels like to not be nauseated. What does that feel like?

I'm hoping for an "on" day tomorrow. Wish I could nail down what makes it on or off, but I can't seem to figure out what makes the difference!

Early Childhood=Fleeting Freedom

My second child starts kindergarten tomorrow. If I were feeling better, the fact that it's going to be a gorgeous day today would spur me to do something fabulous to celebrate his last real day of being a kid. Even if we were homeschooling, just taking on that responsibility of a formal education sort of takes away that blissful freedom of early childhood. Sure, there will still be carefree times and holidays, family outings and true moments of learning. But that same freedom, where there isn't any responsibility at all, is gone for him after today.

Early childhood is so short. I remember looking at it from the beginning when I had my first baby and thinking that five years was SO long--it seemed like it would be AGES before he would be reading, writing and and all that.

I'm not sad that #2 is starting school tomorrow. He is so excited, that it's contagious. I am excited for him and all the wonderful new experiences he will have. His teacher is awesome. He and I spent lots of time this last year doing my home preschool and he is eager to be in school. I am so glad they still do half-day kindergarten here and they still believe that play is a big part of learning, at least that is the philosophy the teacher shared with me yesterday. This is truly the way kindergarten is supposed to be.

So, here's to the last day of pure freedom and to the beginning of a journey that will no doubt teach him a lot about himself and others along the way!

Worries

It's nearly 5 am. I've been awake since 3 am. I got up to go to the bathroom and was upset to find that I was bleeding. A lot. I've been spotting since last weekend on and off. My doctor didn't seem to concerned when I told her at my appointment last week. The ultrasound showed a viable pregnancy and a tiny, rapid heartbeat. So I relaxed. But the bleeding has continued since and not ebbed.

I'm still not sure if this is a miscarriage or just the first trimester bleeding I experienced with my three previous pregnancies. I don't have cramping. Or maybe I do. I can't tell. Feels like indigestion to me.

I go in today for a microRhogam shot. I'm Rh negative and because I've been spotting, they want to give me the shot to prevent complications from Rh incompatibility. I will definitely be talking to the doctor about this and if the pregnancy is still viable.

Until then, I'm a nervous Nellie. But I must not dwell on it. My second child has his kindergarten testing appointment this morning and I need to be fully there for him.

I know I've been negative. But if I miscarry, I'm not sure I will be trying to get pregnant again. I didn't want such a huge gap between any of my kids and at this rate, my daughter will be four. I also don't know if I can go through another month of morning sickness again, only to possibly miscarry again.

Well, I'm going to get ready for the day. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. There's not much to do at this point. If I'm going to miscarry, nothing will change that.

My oldest child will be so disappointed. He was so excited to be a big brother again. I think that will be the hardest part of all.