Saturday, July 19, 2014
I have five brothers. This has been a source of both pride and disappointment throughout my life. I have always enjoyed telling people that I have five brothers and no sisters. That automatically paints me as someone who is pretty tough and also someone who has people watching her back. I do wish that I had sisters, and that is where the disappointment lies, but that is another story for another day. I fall in the middle with two older and three younger.
This picture was taken four days before my oldest brother Jordan was killed in a car accident. There aren't a whole lot of pictures of just me and my brothers, especially since we all grew up. I insisted on having this picture taken at our recent family reunion. I'm very glad I did.
My relationship with each of my brothers is very unique. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love all my brothers though. I have often told people stories of what it was like growing up with five boys. I have often shared, with pride, the accomplishments of my brothers. They are all, indeed, great men. I admire each of them for different reasons.
But of all my brothers, the only one who ever expressed this same kind of appreciation to me by telling me of his appreciation and sharing his admiration of me with others was Jordan. Not one of my other brothers ever told me that I looked beautiful, but Jordan did. Not one of them (to my knowledge) ever told anyone about me with pride that I was his sister, but Jordan did. I didn't even realize he did as often as he did until after his death. I have had many, many people that knew him, but not me, tell me how he spoke of me often and how he admired me.
When I was in first grade, Jordan was in fourth grade. We had recess at the same time. He introduced me to some of the girls in his class. Those girls continued to be kind to me, even into high school. I remember how nervous I was the night before starting junior high school (7th grade). He was starting 10th grade that year, which was at the high school. I was so afraid I would get lost in the hallways and not be able to find my classes. He sat down with me and went over my class schedule and mapped it all out for me. I remember going to many stake dances with him and his group of friends once I had turned fourteen. I have a lot of these kinds of memories with Jordan that I don't have with most of my other brothers.
In the last few years, we hadn't talked as much as we used to. When we were both in college, we talked often on the phone. After college and when real life started, we still talked a few times a month on the phone. But as his life got complicated and difficult, we didn't talk as often. Oh, how I wish I would have been better about calling him. It had only been in the recent two to three months that we began talking on the phone more often again.
I will miss Jordan tremendously. I will miss his friendship. Yes, friendship. His phone calls, his Facebook comments, his comments on my blog posts, random emails and instant messaging and texts. It wasn't often, but it was more often than I communicate with some of my other brothers. I guess now I know what I need to work on with my other brothers.
Jordan, I love you. You really were a good brother to me. And even though when we were little, you sometimes teased me, you were never really mean. I hope and pray you are in a happy place. I know the last few years of your life you had an immense struggle. I hope you passed your test. I love you, my brother.