Ugh

What on earth was I thinking? Why did I think I could do this again? How did I manage to get through my previous pregnancies? I have no idea.

I am so sick. I am unable to function. My house is a disaster area, and if any of you know me, you know that says a lot, because usually it is very clean. I can't get control of my kids. My 3- and 2-year-olds keep chasing each other around the house, dangerously, and I can't get them to stop.

The laundry isn't getting washed. The bathrooms are exceptionally disgusting.

I can't eat a thing. Well, that's a lie. I do eat, but I force feed myself because I need the nutrition. I gag it down. Usually it stays down, fortunately. But I have the dry heaves all day. And night. And the nausea is with me 100% of the time. It never leaves.

I can't sleep because of it. I'm exhausted. I sit on the couch and yell at my kids and cry because I'm so frustrated.

I guess it's just harder this time. I have four kids. I'm in my 30s, not my 20s. And this is the first time that I've had to get up to get kids off to school during a pregnancy. My last pregnancy, my oldest child had just turned 4 during the first trimester.

I am at my wits' end. I'm barely functioning. I'm not sure how my son will get to his bus stop tomorrow morning. I hope I can get him there.

Every single day is a challenge. Every single morning I wake up feeling worse than I thought I could ever feel.

Is this really worth it?

Sorry about the vent. I can't help it. I'm too frustrated to do anything else. All I want to do is sit down and bawl. But that makes me gag, so I refrain.

The Truth Comes Out

Okay, the real reason I gave up on the summer marriage challenge was simply that I just don't feel good.

I'm pregnant!

It was a huge surprise in light of the fertility troubles we've been having, the diagnosis I received in April and some other things. My period was late, but that's normal, having irregular periods, with PCOS. So I didn't think much of it at first, but as the days passed by, I started feeling queasy a lot, and hungry when I wasn't queasy. And very, very tired. So, after about a week, I finally caved and took a pregnancy test, not expecting much.

It was positive! I showed my husband and he was very excited!

The only thing is that I've been dealing with terrible morning sickness. The nausea is with me 100% of the time and hardly anything eases it. And believe me, I've tried everything, having had this severe nausea with all four other pregnancies. The trick is to find at least one thing that will alleviate it and stock up on that. For one of my pregnancies, that was S'mores pop tarts. For another, it was fruit roll-ups. This one, I haven't found one thing that helps. I'm even having aversions to strawberries, my favorite food in the whole world. Can't stand the sight of them or the smell and definitely can't stomach the taste.

It stinks. I'm hoping that it will follow the pattern of previous pregnancies and the morning sickness will ebb with the fourth month (or sooner) and not last the whole time. If it doesn't, then my problem will be weight gain.

Anyway, that's why I quit the marriage challenge and that's why I haven't written in forever.

Thought you ought to know.

Summer Marriage Challenge

Well, I didn't exactly give up on this, I just stopped doing it. There were two weeks left and I was so busy last week with a number of things that I didn't get around to it and then this week, well, it's just the run-off from last week.

I'm not sure this challenge helped my marriage in any way, but it did help me think about how I treat my husband and try to work harder on that.