I just wanted to check in. I realize that my last post was a doozer, but I just had to get out in writing some of the feelings and thoughts I'd been having. I still feel the same way. But life keeps on moving along anyway and that's just what it does.
One of the things I am struggling with is finding time for myself to do things I enjoy. I feel like I just don't have the luxury of that kind of time. I'm so busy teaching preschool and piano and taking care of kids and managing the household that there really isn't time for me to do what I enjoy and there certainly isn't money. But writing is one thing that has always been an outlet for me so I'd like to continue to write. I just don't know how often I'll get to it.
Other things I enjoy that I haven't done much of lately: playing the violin, reading, drawing and painting, playing sports and exercising, and getting outside.
I did try playing volleyball for church back in the fall. I made an effort to make it to the games even when I wasn't feeling up to it or it was late and I was tired. Then, I went to one game where we played a double header, two games in one night. The first game they had plenty of women there and they won. I wasn't able to make it to the first game because it was too early and it was the same night as Jonah's first grade program (I believe that was the conflict). So I made it in time for the second game. While I was waiting for the game to start, some of the other women were talking about how they had enough people to play and one even said that they didn't really need me. So I left. I like volleyball, but I don't love it. It's more fun when you enjoy the people you are playing with as well, and these women in my ward...they just aren't very nice to me. At least not the majority of the ones who play volleyball. Now I know I'm not the best player and could use some improvement, but I'm not really that horrible either. And I like to play sports (though basketball is the one I prefer--but our stake doesn't let the women play basketball). But if you tell me to my face that I'm not needed, when I made the effort after my long, exhausting day (Thursdays are rough--three hours of preschool in the morning and then three hours of piano in the afternoon, plus the kid's program and dinner and bedtime and now it's 9:30 at night and I drove 20 minutes to get here), then I guess I just will no longer participate. I've never been one to back out of participating in a church-sponsored activity, but they pushed me away. I'm sure they don't care. But I will have a hard time forgetting how I was treated.
That was a side story that just came out. Anyway, I'm working on trying to find the time to do a few things I like every week. It's hard. I'm usually too tired to do anything more than turn the TV on and doze off. But maybe if I work on this, I will have a brighter outlook. It's worth a try.
