Sunshine

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry.
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high.

If I had a day that I could give to you
I'd give to you a day just like today.
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry.
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high.

If I had a tale that I could tell to you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while.

--John Denver

Isn't it amazing how just being out in the sunshine can make everything seem lighter, less heavy? I always feel so much better about everything after spending some time outside.

I love the sunshine. It's wonderful.

*image courtesy Google images

Grieving

Every month around this time, I grieve.

I grieve that my body isn't working the way it's supposed to. I'm only 32 years old, for crying out loud. I'm supposed to be able to have a few more years of childbearing left. I just feel so frustrated by the events in my life that I have no control over.

I have always been a problem solver--a person who wants to find a solution, find it quickly and do it. Solve that problem. It frustrates me that these problems I'm facing have no readily available solution.

If we want another baby, we will have to go with fertility treatments. But because we struggle financially, money for that type of thing is not something we have.

It costs money to get all the fertility testing done. Most of it is not covered by insurance. Some of the tests are because they aren't fertility-specific. The tests and treatments aren't all super-expensive, but when you are living paycheck to paycheck as it is, every amount over that budget is a lot. Then we are faced with a choice. Put it on a credit card or not get the tests done? Increasing our debt to have a baby doesn't seem right. These are the choices that are always facing us. Do I just sigh and say, I guess I'll be content with four kids even though I still really feel like there is supposed to more in our family? I just wish my body would work right.

With the whole fertility thing, I don't like it when people tell me that I shouldn't be so upset; after all, I have four kids already. If you feel like your family is complete, then you don't understand how I feel. If you are still fully fertile and have no problems, then you don't know how it feels. Having four children doesn't diminish my desire to have more or my feeling that our family is incomplete. Yes, of course, I am grateful for the four I have. They are wonderful. I love them with all my heart. But I just feel like our family is not complete.

And then I have those who tell me to be patient, we have all the time in the world, what's the hurry? So how long do I wait before pursuing the fertility treatment route? Until I'm 33? That's only in six months. Until I'm 34 or 35? When do we stop trying?

I know. The situation really isn't as hopeless as it feels sometimes. My doctor says there is a chance that I could conceive naturally but because of my condition (and age--despite popular belief, women in their 30s are at higher risk for lots of problems with childbearing than women in their 20s), I have a higher chance of miscarriage. So there is a chance we wouldn't have to go the treatment route. But then every month that I'm not pregnant I wonder if we should try another way.

It's just so hard to know what to do. And I do grieve. I grieve that I have no control over what my body does. I feel angry because it's so unfair. Yes, unfair. I know life is not supposed to be fair, but sometimes the unfairness of it is enraging.

Dear Friends

Do you have a book that you read as a child that is like a dear friend to you?

Recently my son brought home a Scholastic Book Club order form from school. I am having a hard time encouraging him to read and enjoy it. He reads quite well, several grade levels above his age group, anyway, but he is not interested in it. So I looked through the book order and spent $130 on lots of age appropriate chapter books and nonfiction picture books that I thought he might like (and my other children too).

One set of books that caught my eye was the complete Ramona Quimby series by Beverly Cleary. Those were my favorite books as a child, and I couldn't help myself. Even though I have mostly boys and my daughter is a long way off from reading chapter books, I went ahead and ordered it.

The books came and he brought them home from school. I helped unwrap them all from the plastic and reorganize our bookshelf to fit the new ones. When he left for school the next day, I couldn't help myself. I pulled out those Ramona books and started reading.

It was like visiting with an old friend. I knew Ramona like I knew me. I was Ramona Quimby growing up in a lot of ways. I even felt like I looked like her with short brown hair and brown eyes. I loved to draw and write and read. I loved my new pink eraser I got for school.

I loved re-reading my Ramona books. I had many other books I loved throughout my childhood and adolescence, but those Ramona books were my first love of reading. I hope my daughter enjoys them as much as I do.

Bad Week

I am suffering from a bad week and a bad mood which has made me unmotivated to blog.

First of all we're still going through all the infertility testing to figure out why we can't seem to conceive again. That hasn't been very exciting. I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, aka PCOS. That means that my ovaries do not make eggs. Instead, a cyst forms where the egg is supposed to be. So when I'm supposed to ovulate, I don't. Since there's no egg to fertilize, well, you can see where this is going. My doctor recommends a certain progesterone treatment to sort of reset my cycle and go from there or we can do the fertility drug clomid, but before we do anything like that with me, we need to get the dear husband checked to make sure that it's not his fault too. Given some of his weird medical issues, which I won't delve into here, he possibly could be contributing to the problem. We shall see.

The second thing that came up this week is that my husband is being transferred. The company he works for is family-owned, not franchised, and until he is a store manager, he can be transferred anywhere in the division. He had finally convinced his store manager where he works currently to allow him two Sundays off and work the other two Sunday nights. Unfortunately, he isn't going to ever be able to have that schedule because the manager at the new store isn't so flexible. I'm terribly bummed because I felt like this huge burden was lifted from me when he told me that about the Sundays two weeks ago, and now it's back and worse than ever because he'll be gone a LOT of Sunday days.

Last is that we found out from our landlord yesterday that we will not be able to renew our contract in October because he will be selling the house. So we have to move. I'm hoping and praying that we can find something in the school boundaries so my kids won't have to start school on August 26th and then start a new school on October 4th.

So I've been pretty stressed out and down in the dumps all week.

We rode our bikes to Iceberg today and got shakes. It really helped dispel some of the gloom.

The wonders of chocolate ice cream, I tell you.

Blog Thoughts

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this blog and why I write it. I actually have four blogs, each with a different purpose. I started my first blog, A Royal Nest, at the end of 2006. It is my family blog that I print up blog book every year, a family history.

In 2008, I started this blog because I had a lot of ideas and opinions that I wanted to share but didn't want to have on my family blog. I kind of patterned it after my brothers' blog, A Bird's Eye View. Their blog is very intellectual, religious, and political in nature, with them writing about different ideas and opinions in these areas, often spurred by articles or books they've read. Their writing style is quite formal, as is mine.

Their blog is a great read, but they don't post much anymore because they are too busy with their careers and families, I suppose. It's a shame because their writing is so thought-provoking, intellectually stimulating, and even spiritually uplifting.

My other blogs are Love For Learning, which is a journal of sorts of the preschool I do with my own children, and Happy Little Book Group, a group blog book club so we could read books and discuss them online with people halfway across the world.

I feel the purpose of this blog is to write my thoughts and feelings on just about anything I feel like writing about--thereby "cluttered"--and often my thoughts dwell on marriage and homemaking and how to raise children. I have very strong opinions on anything related to these topics. Occasionally, I veer and talk about other things, whatever might be on my mind that day.

And there you have it. The purpose of this blog in a nutshell. You can click on the other blog links and check those out. In fact, I'd like to get going with the book club one and start reading some new stuff, if anyone is interested!

Our Marriage Vows

Marriage Summer Challenge, Week Three


I will be honest. I don't remember the exact wording of the vows in the temple. It's not until death do you part, though, that's for sure. I love that marriages and families can last for time and all eternity. That's so much sweeter until death. Imagine spending your entire life with someone, only to be separated by death, never to be united in marriage again.

Today is actually our 9th anniversary, so it's interesting that this week is the week to reflect on the actual wedding and the vows we made.

I don't remember a whole lot about our actual wedding day. We got married on Thursday. That was because we wanted to be married on the 21st which was the summer solstice and an easy date to remember. 6-21-01. We went down in the morning, fighting commuter traffic because it was a weekday. I went down with my parents and my friend who was my maid-of-honor. I can't remember, but I think my youngest brother was with us even though he couldn't come in the temple. He was to wait outside with the rest of the group that couldn't come in.

We went in, I got in my temple dress and then we went in for the ceremony. The first time my husband met my two older brothers was in the locker room on that day, right before the ceremony. We had everyone in my family, except my baby brother (who was only 14 and couldn't go in the temple for a sealing) at the sealing--my parents, my older brothers and their wives, and my younger brothers. Neither of my grandparents could make it, but my great uncle, my grandma's older brother, was there. Also two of my mom's sisters and their spouses were in attendance as well as a few of my cousins and their spouses, if they were married. On my husband's side was his mom, his grandparents, and his brother and wife and any cousins or aunts and uncles that could make it. I don't remember if our bishop was there, I don't think he was.

Outside the temple was anyone who couldn't come in--kids too young or those who are not members of our faith or those who do not hold a temple recommend. They waited for us on the steps of the temple. The actual ceremony itself doesn't take very long and afterward, we went to change and met our party on the steps of the Los Angeles Temple. Then we had pictures all around the temple grounds.

After pictures, we got changed and drove down to a luncheon at the LDS Institute building in Lancaster. Later that day was the reception in Lake Los Angeles. We spent the first night in my apartment and then left for San Diego the next day. We moved shortly after returning from San Diego into a bigger apartment in the same complex. And that is our start.

Happy Anniversary!

My aunt took our engagement pictures at a lake near her home in Northern CA.
The top picture is the one we used to send out with our invitations. The bottom one is the one we should have used. :)

On the steps of the temple--all who were in attendance inside or waited for us outside.
The next four pictures are on the temple grounds.

And this is us cutting the cake at the reception.

The end.

Our Story: Part III

The week of the seminary morningside Christmas performances ended and his birthday was the next day, Saturday, December 9th. A bunch of people from the singles ward went to see Vertical Limit on Friday night, with the invitation extended to him as well, but he went out with an old high school friend.

The next morning, quite early, several of us kidnapped him and took him to breakfast at Crazy Otto's. Apparently, he was forewarned, since he was sleeping on the couch in the living room in sweats. I later learned he doesn't usually sleep in sweats or other pajamas. Anyway, that's when things really started.

Waiting outside Crazy Otto's in Lancaster

Later that day was an activity for Institute: "How the Grinch Stole the Olympics". We did silly games, like a round robin of ping pong and an egg toss and a four-legged race, shown here. I thought I had a picture of the egg toss, but couldn't find it.

The four-legged race

At the end of the activity, he invited me to his house for a birthday dinner. I thought that maybe he was just inviting some friends, didn't realize it was only me and that it was a date until later.

And that was our first date--I went to his house for dinner for his birthday and met his mom, brother (and the brother's wife) and three sisters (his dad had already passed away a few years before, so I never got to meet him). After the steak dinner, we went to see the movie Remember the Titans. I'm amazed he asked me out again after I cried in that movie.

The next night, he came to my house for Sunday dinner. We then saw each other every day for one whole week until December 16th, which was when I left for the holidays to visit my family in Michigan. He called me in Michigan over the holidays, and on my birthday (December 21st). I came back to California on the 30th. He proposed to me on January 2nd.

Dinner at my apartment on Sunday

I called my parents to tell them, and my mom told me that my dad was out of town. She called back a few minutes later to tell me that he was renting a car (he was in San Francisco) and driving down to see me on Friday of that week. He came down, arriving late at night Friday, went out to breakfast with us on Saturday and then went back to San Fran.

Meeting my dad

During our engagement, which lasted about 5-1/2 months, we visited his family in San Diego and Orange County and my family in Northern California and Utah. He met my mom when she came out in February for wedding plans. He met two of my five brothers when we went up to Utah. He met another brother (my youngest) over Memorial Day weekend, when we went to Utah again and my parents were there, driving through on their move to Arizona from Michigan. He finally met my remaining two brothers and their wives on the day of our wedding.

Meeting two of my brothers in Utah, the one in the middle was a student at BYU, the one on the right a student at Utah State.
This picture was taken at my grandparents' home in Mt. Pleasant, Utah

For this challenge, I was supposed to remember something we were good at doing when we were dating and engaged that has sort of been lost over the years. I think being open in our communication was something we really had back then but something that we really need to work on now. So that will be my goal, to be a better communicator.