A Changed Perspective

A couple weeks ago, the 8-month-old baby of a family out near where I live died of crib death. Anytime I hear of such a tragedy, I grieve for the family, particularly the mother. I can feel her sorrow and her pain, and sometimes, I can't think about anything else for days and even weeks. I spend time on my knees praying for their comfort and I even cry, sometimes sob, for their loss.

I was thinking about this family yesterday while perusing through blogs that I have linked to my family blog. I was looking at my brother's blog, the one he and his wife keep together, and since they haven't posted anything new for a while, I was looking at older entries. One in particular caught my eye. The entry commemorating the anniversary of the death of their dear friends' 21-month-old son. I read the entry, and then, almost on a whim, I decided to read the comments left by other blog readers. One reader, a friend of my sister-in-law, left a note about how her own sister was going through something similar after having lost her only child, at 23 months, to a tragic accident. She left a link to that blog, so I copied and pasted it into my browser. I was curious to see what the tragic accident was and also to find out about the family and everything.

I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn't know what once was a family blog had turned into a sounding board, a venting spot, for the grief of the mother and father of this little girl. I had no idea through reading this blog how I would become attached to this child, this beautiful spirit, and the love that her parents felt for her in life and still feel for her now. I didn't know that I would learn through the eyes of the parent who lived through it, how one goes on with daily life after such a loss.

Wow. The writing is beautiful. The mother allows herself to openly grieve. She shares her story with the world through this blog, and it is a powerful one. Underlying all of it is the testimony of what Jesus Christ did for all of us, and a testimony of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, as restored by the prophet Joseph Smith. She writes how she is not afraid of aging, that she looks forward to birthdays because it brings her one year closer to seeing her sweet daughter again. She uses the blog to portray aspects of her daughter's life, to journal it and keep it fresh in her memory. She posts pictures and videos of her baby girl throughout the blog. It really is beautiful, heart-wrenching, but beautiful. I truly felt the spirit as I read her words, while sobbing at the same time, feeling a little bit of the deep ache she must feel.

And it has made me really think long and hard about what kind of mother I am. Do I thrill in each moment in my children's lives, even the moments we don't find so comfortable (like cleaning up diarrhea on carpet because your 1-year-old pulled her diaper off and then decided to go?)? I'm sure that mother wouldn't mind cleaning up diarrhea on carpet if she could have her little one with her again.

Reading her story, and others like it (her blog was linked to some others' blogs with similar stories), has really opened my eyes to truly try and treasure all these moments with my children. Even if they live a long life into adulthood, they are still only my little precious ones for such a short time! I hope I can try and cherish these times even more and remember that perspective and be grateful for what I have.

Keeping That Eternal Perspective

I think my moods fluctuate depending on how well I have that eternal perspective in my head. If I can't seem to wrap my mind around the concept of eternity and how little certain issues in this mortal life really matter, then I start to feel hopeless and completely depressed. But if I can keep that tiny glimmer that this is all a test and that I just need to get through it the best I can, still smiling, then I usually can actually do that. It's just very hard for me to keep that perspective in mind when facing certain trials and situations.

For example, the whole house situation with our mortgage and the possibility of moving and foreclosing. As long as we maintain our integrity through the ordeal, whatever course that may turn out to be, I shouldn't feel so devastated at the loss (if loss is involved) because in the eternal scheme of things, owning this home at this time doesn't really matter all that much.

And yet I wonder. This is the only opportunity for us to experience mortality. I guess part of me wants to do it as perfectly as possible. For me, that means meeting certain self-imposed expectations of home and family life. If I don't meet them, I guess in the long run (the eternal perspective), those things won't matter much, but what if I never get a chance in this life to do some of the things I want to do? Is that the end of it? Will I never have that chance again? I'm guessing not, since some of those things have everything to do with this mortal experience. I'm sure life beyond has greater things in store, but they are probably different things. Will I always feel that regret, that sense of loss, at not having achieved certain mortal goals during this life?

Sometimes I wonder. I understand (at least I think I do) that eternal life, the life in the Celestial Kingdom that we all strive for, is a most beautiful, exquisite existence, beyond what we are capable of imagining. But will they still have some of the things I want to do in this life that I may not have the chance to experience because of some of the choices that myself (or others) have made that impede those circumstances from ripening?

The Housing Market Crisis

We are some of those homeowners affected by the housing market crisis. I admit that we made some bad choices with regard to our loan, when and where we purchased a home, and other things, but some of it was simply due to ignorance. We did try to educate ourselves, but we didn't do a very good job of it. Now we are stuck with a home that has depreciated so much in value that it's barely worth more than 37% of the current mortgage on it. It makes sense just to walk away from it, but after researching all of this, I'm not sure that we should go that route.

My husband thinks we should. He wants to move out-of-state, and given the fact that we can't sell our house without owing a lot of money still (on a house we no longer own that has very little value), that we should just walk away when the time comes to move. But I think we should try some other things first and put moving off until it's absolutely necessary. If we have to foreclose, if we have to walk away because our options are so limited, then is the time to consider moving with the company to another state, or wherever. But until that happens, we should practice integrity by doing everything in our power to honor the contract we signed.

How do I convince him of this basic need of mine to have integrity? How do I convince him how badly the possibility of leaving our home, even though it's a home I'm not sure I even like all that much, hurts me? I have researched and researched the ramifications of either choice, and it may be that in the near future, even after trying all we can to keep this house, we still might need to leave it, but I don't think that should be our first choice, nor should it be a choice at all, but a necessity, if it happens.

We are clearly upside-down in our mortgage. Our ARM resets in July, probably making it impossible to pay. Right now, we are not behind in payments, and we have even had help to keep it that way. Right now, we have other debts, but they are not as overwhelming as they were a year ago, and we are slowly chipping away at them. There are some structural issues with our home that we might need to have looked at before the time comes to sell, if we can hold out that long. But if we are going to just walk away, I don't want to use money on hiring a professional to evaluate the home. It's possible that these issues are minor and won't require a huge repair bill. The other side of our situation is that my husband's work is moving into Utah. He wants to go when they open their Utah store this summer. He wants to be part of that. I think that's wonderful that he does, but with our house situation and not being able to sell, we might not be able to be part of that. Which is bigger, trying to maintain our integrity with the mortgage and keep this house until we really can sell it, or trying to move with the company, possibly opening up the rate of promotion to happen more quickly for my husband?

Can you weigh in with your thoughts and opinions? What might you do in a similar situation. If you want more detail, feel free to ask.

All the crazy stares

I have four kids. Their ages are 5, 4, 2, and 1. This creates a problem when I go anywhere without my husband. The problem is that most places, a grocery store, for example, do not accommodate families with more than one or two children. The carts are designed to hold only one small child in the basket up front. If you have two children that are 2 and under, you can't have one in the basket and the other walking, that would be a disaster for their store. If you put one in the main part of the cart, though, inevitably you will get lectured by an old person telling you they knew of a kid out in Georgia who fell out of a grocery cart, landed on their head, and died. I know that does happen, occasionally, but I'm taking my chances and hoping that I can maintain enough discipline and control to allow my child to sit there as long as he truly stays seated. That is the issue with that.

However, sometimes I have to run a quick errand to the grocery store and I don't want to do the double stroller because I need more items at the store than will fit in the basket of the stroller. Tonight I had such an errand. We had made valentines for all the cousins and wanted to buy some valentine candy and mailing boxes/envelopes. So we piled in the car, sans Daddy (who is at work), and went to Fry's Food & Drug. Their carts are the worst because they're super tiny as well. So I put the baby in the umbrella stroller and assign the 4-year-old the job of pushing the stroller. I put the 2-year-old in the basket of the cart and the 5-year-old's assignment is to stay by the cart and help find the candy. Before we get rolling, I give detailed rules to the 4-year-old as to how he is supposed to push the stroller in the store (no running, no sharp turns, watch out for people, stay by the cart and go slow, etc.). He is actually very careful about following these rules, more than the 5-year-old would be (which is why he was given the assigned task).

We head in and immediately elicit stares from other customers. Several feel the need to give instructions themselves to the 4-year-old, who is pushing the baby. Several others exclaim their disbelief in the horrible mother that is allowing her baby to be pushed around a store by her older brother, who is only 4. Even the checker comments on how she would never let her 4-year-old push the baby in the stroller.

"Excuse me? Maybe you should tell your boss to order carts that have two seats in the basket (like at Costco) so I won't have this problem in the future. Thank you."

No, I didn't really say that, but I do this often enough and get the same comments over and over that I really want to.

I'm a terrible mother who lets her 4-year-old child assume some responsibility by helping her out. We went in the store, the children were well-behaved, even quiet, they followed my directions, we left the store, they walked through the parking lot without running, and everybody was safe and well-behaved.

So what was the problem?

I just don't get it. We baby our kids so much in the world today that nobody expects a 4-year-old to be capable of helping out in such a fashion. They would probably be horrified to know that my kids also cleaned the mirrors in the whole house (all our sliding closet doors are full-length mirrors) and dusted in all the rooms without me standing over them (I was cleaning the bathrooms). They also make their own beds, clean up their toys, and do a number of other chores. A mom that actually expects her children to work and pitch in around the house, even as young as they are. Cart me off to jail right now...

Loving Facebook

I am totally in love with Facebook. It's so great! I've reconnected with hundreds of old friends and been very pleased to see what they're doing in life. Some of the people I haven't seen or heard from since junior high have turned out to be such wonderful people, and I would never have guessed that from who they were back then. I guess life can be a very good teacher. I have also loved seeing that some of my old connections in places I've lived have become connected with friends from other places. It's interesting to me when I click on a person's contacts and see what contacts we have in common only to find that someone I knew from one part of the states knows another person I met later in life, like in college. Whenever we moved, I always wished that my new friends could meet my old ones, and now I see that happening from time to time. Very cool. Anyway, I was jazzed today to find out that one of my old friends from gymnastics is married to a guy I had a crush on in all of junior high school, and they didn't even know each other at the time, but met later in high school, after I'd moved away to another state. I was literally bouncing off the walls with excitement at my discovery.

Anyway, Facebook is awesome! Love it, love it, love it!

Come On, Let Him Actually DO Something First

I think everybody is going a little overboard about how historic this election with Obama is. The guy hasn't even started his term yet officially. He hasn't done anything, except get elected. So all of the commemorative coins, being able to buy his acceptance speech on DVD, and all the news media about how historic this all is has really been getting on my nerves. I recognize that the first black president is historic in and of itself, but let the guy prove that he's worth all of this media hype before he goes down in the history books as this amazing person. When he finally does something worthwhile, maybe I'll begin applauding this "historic" occasion, but as of right now, I'm pretty skeptical. Especially with FOCA on the table. I think the only thing historic about that is that it shows his complete lack of character. But then again, in American politics, having lack of character is nothing new...

It's a New Year

I realize that January is already half over, but since I have these goals floating around in my head, I figured I should get them down somewhere. Maybe if I share them, I will be more motivated to follow through. I'm such a nerd, though, I'm warning you. I categorize my goals, just to make sure I don't forget one.

Physical:
1. Utilize the YMCA and go over at least 3 times a week for an exercise class of some type.
2. Walk to and from school with the kids.
3. Drink at least 64 oz of water daily. (I really don't drink enough water and am always feeling very dry and dehydrated)

Spiritual:
1. Read scriptures every day.
2. Pray morning and night.
3. Hold FHE (Family Home Evening) weekly.
4. Have regular family scripture reading and prayer (daily).

Mental:
1. Read one new book each month.
2. Write in journal once a week. (daily is simply too hard for me).
3. Write my book 4-5 days a week and finish by July 2009.

Financial:
1. Balance the checkbook monthly, as soon as the statement comes.
2. Stick to the budget (and get my dear husband to follow it also).

That's about all. For our family, we are working on getting a food storage together. We also need to gather up other preparedness essentials for our family, like diapers, wipes, and other toiletry items. Plus I'd like to go through our 72-hour kit and update it. And we need to get those water barrels filled, starting this weekend.

I'm determined to do better this year than I have the past two. Wish me luck!