Sometimes I feel like my life is so full and busy and then at the end of the day I can't even figure out what I did. Or when my husband calls from work or school and asks what I'm doing, usually it's not worth explaining to him what exactly it is that I'm doing...I'm looking for my daughter's missing shoe, or I'm trying to restack the Tupperware she pulled out of the cabinet, or I'm helping my 2-year-old in the bathroom, or I'm trying to calm a crying 4-year-old who didn't get the pencil he wanted, or sometimes I'm just lying there on the couch trying to figure out what comes next.
Then there are the point of my day that are so jam-packed that I just can't seem to keep it all together. When I'm making dinner for both my family and a family in need. I don't have enough of what I was making for us, so I have to make something else for them, and I'm doing both at the same time.
Yet it all seems so meaningless. Sometimes I do things just to keep myself busy. Do the pictures that haven't been put in an album yet really need to be re-organized? Probably not. Do I really need to go through the swimsuits and toss the worn out ones right now since we most likely won't be going swimming anytime soon? Not really. Is it really necessary to re-organize the extra room closet--was it really so bad before?
Then I have all the projects I want to do and probably need to do that I just can't seem to get motivated to do. Like repainting the kitchen. At first I didn't mind the pink, but the longer I'm in it, the more I feel like I'm living inside a bottle of Pepto-Bismal. So we bought some cranberry to re-paint. I know that once I get started, the job will be done in a matter of days and, knowing me and my love for monotonous yet detailed work, I will probably really enjoy the actual work. However, I can't seem to get motivated enough to open that can of paint, cover everything with plastic, and get going on it. I'd rather lay on the couch and watch re-runs of "Home Improvement" while the children nap.
Does anybody else ever feel like their day is so full but they accomplish nothing?
I really get irritated when I have to walk through a smoke-filled radius to get to my destination. Even people who smoke outside don't seem to realize that their bad habit affects me and my children. I can't tell you how many times we have to plow through secondhand smoke while I walk the kids to school and back every day. Or when we go to the grocery store and there are people smoking out front of both entrances. It's not like we can enter the store another way. Their right to smoke infringes on my right (and my children's rights) not to inhale the stuff. It's very bothersome, yet nothing can really be done about it that's not already been done--no smoking is allowed in public places and when people smoke outside it has to be outside of a certain distance from the entrance/exit doors. Yet still the smoke reaches my lungs and the lungs of my children. Very irritating!
I just found out that my brother and his wife will be moving across the country for him to go to law school. They will make their move shortly after having their first child, at which point, I believe, she is planning on staying home with the baby. At any rate, while I'm excited for them and the awesome experiences they will have, a twinge of jealousy streaked through me at the same moment.
At first, I thought it was because I never got to experience something like that, moving far away from family while my husband goes to school and I start the experience of raising our family. But then I remembered that we did move far away from family so he could try to go to school (for his undergrad) and things didn't work out quite how we expected them to. Then I thought it's probably because they are moving to a place I've never been and possibly will never go. No, that can't be it. But my third thought revealed the truth behind the feeling. I felt that way for a second because that is one point in my life I wish we could do over.
We moved far away from family and friends. When we first moved, the only thing we knew was that he was going to finish school, for we had an acceptance letter to start winter semester (January) there. Unfortunately, being a teacher by profession, we decided to move during the summer so I could try and find a teaching job there. At first, we had nowhere to live and no jobs. We had a little money in savings, enough to put a deposit on a place, but that was all. Oh, and we had a dog, not the most convenient family member for finding a rental place.
But we found a place. The landlady was a cute elderly lady who allowed us to have our dog because "people love their pets" and was kind enough to let us sign rental papers even though we had no current proof of income. She said we looked like nice, hardworking people who were willing to do whatever it would take to pay the rent, so she trusted that we would. So we went back home, packed up our stuff, and moved.
The week after the move, we set out to look for jobs. My problem was that I was a teacher. My resume listed my teaching experience. There weren't really any teaching jobs to be found, so I settled for looking for secretarial work. Always the question was asked, "If you find a teaching job, will you leave to do that?" I couldn't lie. They wouldn't hire me. I finally found a job in retail. My husband found a job at another retail location in the same mall. We were both on the constant search for better jobs, jobs with benefits. I worked there for about six weeks before a teaching job opportunity presented itself.
I started teaching in the fall. The second month of school, I found out I was expecting a baby. My husband didn't have a job with benefits. At that time, he was working in the warehouse of the retail store and also as a teacher's aide at the school I worked at. I had benefits through my job, but they were barely affordable just for me. We couldn't afford to add my husband to the coverage, so we didn't.
Then it came time for him to register for his classes. He couldn't get into any of the ones he needed. He already had an associates' degree and we didn't want him to waste time loafing around, taking general courses he didn't need just to pass the time until he could get into the classes he needed. He talked with a counselor in his major. They couldn't do anything for him. He would have to try and crash the classes. There was no guarantee he would get the ones he needed. With a baby on the way and no way to pay for the expenses, since I was planning on quitting my job when our child was born, he didn't want to wait. He stopped registering and withdrew.
We stayed until the end of the school year and our rental contract. Our baby came early. He was due just after the school year was over, but came five weeks before his due date. I had to use sick bank days to get paid those last few weeks.
I tell you this story to illustrate my sense of loss. We gained a bit. I got some good experience teaching in a situation I may never have had. We got to enjoy one whole year far away from family and learn to rely on each other early in our marriage. But we didn't accomplish our main goal, which was for him to graduate with a teaching degree. If we had, he would have been teaching for almost 5 years now. How different our lives would be at this point!
Instead, we left. My husband went back to his old job. He will finally finish his undergraduate degree this spring, in about 5 weeks, but not in teaching. He will keep working at his current job. I'm disappointed that he won't be a teacher; he would be a great high school history teacher and coach on the side, which was the original plan.
I realize plans change. Life changes them sometimes. But that was such a good plan. I still struggle with how it changed, which is why I regret the decisions we made back then. That's why when I hear of the news of my brother I am happy for them, but I look back with regret. I guess it's not jealousy, but I wish I could have a do-over. I would have encouraged my husband to stay, to see his schooling through up there. I know he would have had a MUCH better school experience there than he has had these past two years. I know we would have figured out jobs and money and health insurance and it would have worked out. But if I had any time period in my life to do over, that would be the one.
Do you have any time in your life that you would do over, given the chance? Or am I the only one with regrets?
A couple weeks ago, the 8-month-old baby of a family out near where I live died of crib death. Anytime I hear of such a tragedy, I grieve for the family, particularly the mother. I can feel her sorrow and her pain, and sometimes, I can't think about anything else for days and even weeks. I spend time on my knees praying for their comfort and I even cry, sometimes sob, for their loss.
I was thinking about this family yesterday while perusing through blogs that I have linked to my family blog. I was looking at my brother's blog, the one he and his wife keep together, and since they haven't posted anything new for a while, I was looking at older entries. One in particular caught my eye. The entry commemorating the anniversary of the death of their dear friends' 21-month-old son. I read the entry, and then, almost on a whim, I decided to read the comments left by other blog readers. One reader, a friend of my sister-in-law, left a note about how her own sister was going through something similar after having lost her only child, at 23 months, to a tragic accident. She left a link to that blog, so I copied and pasted it into my browser. I was curious to see what the tragic accident was and also to find out about the family and everything.
I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn't know what once was a family blog had turned into a sounding board, a venting spot, for the grief of the mother and father of this little girl. I had no idea through reading this blog how I would become attached to this child, this beautiful spirit, and the love that her parents felt for her in life and still feel for her now. I didn't know that I would learn through the eyes of the parent who lived through it, how one goes on with daily life after such a loss.
Wow. The writing is beautiful. The mother allows herself to openly grieve. She shares her story with the world through this blog, and it is a powerful one. Underlying all of it is the testimony of what Jesus Christ did for all of us, and a testimony of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, as restored by the prophet Joseph Smith. She writes how she is not afraid of aging, that she looks forward to birthdays because it brings her one year closer to seeing her sweet daughter again. She uses the blog to portray aspects of her daughter's life, to journal it and keep it fresh in her memory. She posts pictures and videos of her baby girl throughout the blog. It really is beautiful, heart-wrenching, but beautiful. I truly felt the spirit as I read her words, while sobbing at the same time, feeling a little bit of the deep ache she must feel.
And it has made me really think long and hard about what kind of mother I am. Do I thrill in each moment in my children's lives, even the moments we don't find so comfortable (like cleaning up diarrhea on carpet because your 1-year-old pulled her diaper off and then decided to go?)? I'm sure that mother wouldn't mind cleaning up diarrhea on carpet if she could have her little one with her again.
Reading her story, and others like it (her blog was linked to some others' blogs with similar stories), has really opened my eyes to truly try and treasure all these moments with my children. Even if they live a long life into adulthood, they are still only my little precious ones for such a short time! I hope I can try and cherish these times even more and remember that perspective and be grateful for what I have.
I think my moods fluctuate depending on how well I have that eternal perspective in my head. If I can't seem to wrap my mind around the concept of eternity and how little certain issues in this mortal life really matter, then I start to feel hopeless and completely depressed. But if I can keep that tiny glimmer that this is all a test and that I just need to get through it the best I can, still smiling, then I usually can actually do that. It's just very hard for me to keep that perspective in mind when facing certain trials and situations.
For example, the whole house situation with our mortgage and the possibility of moving and foreclosing. As long as we maintain our integrity through the ordeal, whatever course that may turn out to be, I shouldn't feel so devastated at the loss (if loss is involved) because in the eternal scheme of things, owning this home at this time doesn't really matter all that much.
And yet I wonder. This is the only opportunity for us to experience mortality. I guess part of me wants to do it as perfectly as possible. For me, that means meeting certain self-imposed expectations of home and family life. If I don't meet them, I guess in the long run (the eternal perspective), those things won't matter much, but what if I never get a chance in this life to do some of the things I want to do? Is that the end of it? Will I never have that chance again? I'm guessing not, since some of those things have everything to do with this mortal experience. I'm sure life beyond has greater things in store, but they are probably different things. Will I always feel that regret, that sense of loss, at not having achieved certain mortal goals during this life?
Sometimes I wonder. I understand (at least I think I do) that eternal life, the life in the Celestial Kingdom that we all strive for, is a most beautiful, exquisite existence, beyond what we are capable of imagining. But will they still have some of the things I want to do in this life that I may not have the chance to experience because of some of the choices that myself (or others) have made that impede those circumstances from ripening?
We are some of those homeowners affected by the housing market crisis. I admit that we made some bad choices with regard to our loan, when and where we purchased a home, and other things, but some of it was simply due to ignorance. We did try to educate ourselves, but we didn't do a very good job of it. Now we are stuck with a home that has depreciated so much in value that it's barely worth more than 37% of the current mortgage on it. It makes sense just to walk away from it, but after researching all of this, I'm not sure that we should go that route.
My husband thinks we should. He wants to move out-of-state, and given the fact that we can't sell our house without owing a lot of money still (on a house we no longer own that has very little value), that we should just walk away when the time comes to move. But I think we should try some other things first and put moving off until it's absolutely necessary. If we have to foreclose, if we have to walk away because our options are so limited, then is the time to consider moving with the company to another state, or wherever. But until that happens, we should practice integrity by doing everything in our power to honor the contract we signed.
How do I convince him of this basic need of mine to have integrity? How do I convince him how badly the possibility of leaving our home, even though it's a home I'm not sure I even like all that much, hurts me? I have researched and researched the ramifications of either choice, and it may be that in the near future, even after trying all we can to keep this house, we still might need to leave it, but I don't think that should be our first choice, nor should it be a choice at all, but a necessity, if it happens.
We are clearly upside-down in our mortgage. Our ARM resets in July, probably making it impossible to pay. Right now, we are not behind in payments, and we have even had help to keep it that way. Right now, we have other debts, but they are not as overwhelming as they were a year ago, and we are slowly chipping away at them. There are some structural issues with our home that we might need to have looked at before the time comes to sell, if we can hold out that long. But if we are going to just walk away, I don't want to use money on hiring a professional to evaluate the home. It's possible that these issues are minor and won't require a huge repair bill. The other side of our situation is that my husband's work is moving into Utah. He wants to go when they open their Utah store this summer. He wants to be part of that. I think that's wonderful that he does, but with our house situation and not being able to sell, we might not be able to be part of that. Which is bigger, trying to maintain our integrity with the mortgage and keep this house until we really can sell it, or trying to move with the company, possibly opening up the rate of promotion to happen more quickly for my husband?
Can you weigh in with your thoughts and opinions? What might you do in a similar situation. If you want more detail, feel free to ask.
I have four kids. Their ages are 5, 4, 2, and 1. This creates a problem when I go anywhere without my husband. The problem is that most places, a grocery store, for example, do not accommodate families with more than one or two children. The carts are designed to hold only one small child in the basket up front. If you have two children that are 2 and under, you can't have one in the basket and the other walking, that would be a disaster for their store. If you put one in the main part of the cart, though, inevitably you will get lectured by an old person telling you they knew of a kid out in Georgia who fell out of a grocery cart, landed on their head, and died. I know that does happen, occasionally, but I'm taking my chances and hoping that I can maintain enough discipline and control to allow my child to sit there as long as he truly stays seated. That is the issue with that.
However, sometimes I have to run a quick errand to the grocery store and I don't want to do the double stroller because I need more items at the store than will fit in the basket of the stroller. Tonight I had such an errand. We had made valentines for all the cousins and wanted to buy some valentine candy and mailing boxes/envelopes. So we piled in the car, sans Daddy (who is at work), and went to Fry's Food & Drug. Their carts are the worst because they're super tiny as well. So I put the baby in the umbrella stroller and assign the 4-year-old the job of pushing the stroller. I put the 2-year-old in the basket of the cart and the 5-year-old's assignment is to stay by the cart and help find the candy. Before we get rolling, I give detailed rules to the 4-year-old as to how he is supposed to push the stroller in the store (no running, no sharp turns, watch out for people, stay by the cart and go slow, etc.). He is actually very careful about following these rules, more than the 5-year-old would be (which is why he was given the assigned task).
We head in and immediately elicit stares from other customers. Several feel the need to give instructions themselves to the 4-year-old, who is pushing the baby. Several others exclaim their disbelief in the horrible mother that is allowing her baby to be pushed around a store by her older brother, who is only 4. Even the checker comments on how she would never let her 4-year-old push the baby in the stroller.
"Excuse me? Maybe you should tell your boss to order carts that have two seats in the basket (like at Costco) so I won't have this problem in the future. Thank you."
No, I didn't really say that, but I do this often enough and get the same comments over and over that I really want to.
I'm a terrible mother who lets her 4-year-old child assume some responsibility by helping her out. We went in the store, the children were well-behaved, even quiet, they followed my directions, we left the store, they walked through the parking lot without running, and everybody was safe and well-behaved.
So what was the problem?
I just don't get it. We baby our kids so much in the world today that nobody expects a 4-year-old to be capable of helping out in such a fashion. They would probably be horrified to know that my kids also cleaned the mirrors in the whole house (all our sliding closet doors are full-length mirrors) and dusted in all the rooms without me standing over them (I was cleaning the bathrooms). They also make their own beds, clean up their toys, and do a number of other chores. A mom that actually expects her children to work and pitch in around the house, even as young as they are. Cart me off to jail right now...
