Coming Back into the Light

"My Rose-Colored Glasses

I am missing my rose-colored glasses
They fell off somewhere back there
and I can't find them anywhere
It's hard to see with the dark ones on.

I've found my rose-colored glasses
But I don't want to put them on
Wearing the dark ones
Gave an excuse to not see the light."
----July 1999

That is a poem I wrote between my junior and senior years at BYU. There is a whole back story to the poem, of course, but I have to admit, I'm not really wanting to delve into that here. All I can say is that sometimes, we want to wallow in self-pity for a while.

These past few years have been particularly hard for me when it comes to certain issues. Finances haven't been exactly ideal, children poorly spaced has been an issue for me as well. On Thursday night, I went to a stake relief society enrichment with my mom. The speaker talked about how life is like a train ride and most of it is over rocky terrain, but once in a while, we get to a mountain peak and are fortunate to be able to see a beautiful view, or vista and to enjoy the vistas. I thought to myself, "I can't remember the last time I felt like I was enjoying a vista!" I felt like I've been on that train ride through a really long dark tunnel for the last few years.

But the rest of the night, she talked about how we need to get back into the basics--scripture reading, prayer, and just keeping the faith--in order to arrive at a vista. If we aren't doing those things, then surely the vistas will be less often. After considerable thought, I realized that I could definitely do better in those areas. While I try to maintain some sort of routine with it, I'm nowhere near 100%. I can always blame that on having two babies in two years, but, really, in the final judgment when Heavenly Father asks why I stopped being 100% on my personal prayer and scripture study, if I say, "Because you sent me two babies in two years!", I don't think He'll really understand. If anything, He'll say, "That's exactly why I sent you two babies in two years, you weren't talking to me enough!"

So, that very night, I went home, opened my scriptures and read the chapter that the woman suggested that we read: Alma 5. Can I just say that it was like this balm just washing over me? It was wonderful! And the other thing I realized that night at the Enrichment was that I have not been listening to music very much lately. On occasion, I play it in my car, but usually not anything really uplifting and spiritual. The speaker had arranged four musical numbers that were so uplifting and just soothed my rumpled spirit. Let me tell you--getting to that RS Enrichment on Thursday night was one really rocky ride--the kids were TERRIBLE right before I was supposed to leave and I was SO NOT feeling like attending anything churchy, but I knew I was too upset to sit in that house any longer and only went for the sake of leaving the house.

So, on Friday morning, I put on some nice LDS inspirational music that I haven't listened to in a really long time, and it helped calm me. I committed to reading my scriptures each day and being more earnest in my prayers, and even having family scripture reading and prayer each day. So far so good. Of course, it's only been since Thursday, but now I can keep doing it.

I am really excited about "coming back into the light." I feel like I've been in darkness so long, the light seems very warm and comforting. I like it!