Sunday, January 13, 2013


I am stumbling right now.  I feel like God has not answered any of my prayers for a long time and that has made me reluctant to even bother praying.  I feel like all I do is try, try, try but nothing ever comes of my efforts.

My kids are constantly fighting and nothing I say or do seems to help.

No matter how much I budget and budget, I feel like the finances are crumbling.  I'm also in a constant state of worry due to the rising costs of everything.  Food prices are supposed to go up.  Taxes increased and lots of people are reporting how it's already affecting them (the tax changes).  I honestly don't know how badly it has hit us yet because my husband's company only paid him for one week at the beginning of January instead of two.  Something about the dates every few years makes them think they should only give us three weeks worth of pay in January.  That alone hit us hard, getting paid for only three weeks instead of four.  We had to get our car fixed--a repair we've been putting off for more than a year.  We had half of the amount in savings but had to pay cash the other half, which will cut down how much we can pay on some outstanding debt, debt we've been trying to get rid of for seven years.  I just feel extremely frustrated.  I budget the money, I try hard to stick to the budget, we pay our tithing, but it just seems like things are not working out for us.

I'm frustrated with my calling.  That's putting it lightly.  It really, really bothers me that the same people always seem to be called to the same callings (other people who go from presidency to presidency and me who has held the same callings in all the wards I've been in as an adult).  It seems I'm condemned to be a lifelong member of the Relief Society committee when I'm not teaching Primary.  I wish I could have the opportunity to serve in a capacity where I actually get to know other people on an intimate level (face it, in church, the only way to do that is to serve in a presidency with them) or to have other opportunities of growth (teach in Relief Society, serve on cub scouts or activity days, or teach in Young Women's, to name a few).  I wish I could figure out what it is I'm supposed to learn from being on the Relief Society committee because maybe if I learned it, I wouldn't have to do it anymore.  When I was in college, I was once given the calling "Sacrament Meeting prayer coordinator".  I knew they had made up the calling so I could have a calling.  Sure, it probably helped them out to have the prayers arranged before church on Sunday, but it was a nothing calling that didn't really allow me to get to know anybody.  I know that callings aren't the only way to get to know people, but for someone like me, who isn't naturally outgoing and aggressive in meeting people, it sure helps to have a reason to get to know someone.

So, I'm feeling very low.  People ask if I'm excited about the upcoming baby, and right now, all I can think about is how worried I am about money.  It clouds over everything.  I'm so tired of budgeting down to the penny and then little expenses keep coming up--one child needs new socks, another child breaks his (much-needed) glasses, something goes wrong with the car, another smoke alarm stops functioning properly, etc., etc.  I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but can't we ever catch a little tiny break once in a while?


swedemom said...

I just wish I could you a big, big hug. I have been there in many ways.

When I was pregnant with my Jonathan, I was so sick and our landlord was trying to sell the house we were living in. I had warned them that I was far too ill from the pregnancy and the complications with my lupus to keep the house in showing condition. I'll never forget how awful and scary it was when our landlord completely went berserk, threatening my husband physically and with the law because he wasn't happy about how the house was showing. Our landlord ignored the serious warnings from two of my doctors about the pressure he was putting on us. Our lawyer was a joke. We had no money and were so broke and yet we had to break a lease, borrow a whole lot of money to rent a new place, plop more money (thousands of dollars) for a settlement to get the lawyer off our back and avoid a lawsuit. It was horrific and I was terribly traumatized by it all. There I was, trying desperately to maintain my health and bring a child to the world and all hell was breaking loose.

All I can tell you is that you will get through it. I can't promise that you will be intact in the end, but you'll still be alive.

Hugs to you.

Venessa said...

I'm sorry. I'm a new follower, but I totally hear you. Our family has had to endure many trials over the past year and despite my prayers and fasting, nothing seems to come. At least when I need it to.
I'm not going to tell you that in the end, it will all turn out o.k., and that you'll be stronger and better for it. Because when I was at a very hard time last year, that's all people told me and it didn't make me feel one bit better.
I will tell you life sucks sometimes. It just plain does. And it's o.k. to acknowledge that.
Hang in there Mama. While the Big Picture seems overwhelming and awful, there are Sparrow Moments (I get that from the song that says "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.") that you have to look for everyday. God gives glimpses of hope and happiness that you'll miss if you're not looking for it.
Write down the Sparrow Moments. And perhaps you'll be able to be happy about something again.
So, the moral of this story? Life sucks, but there are Sparrow Moments to get you through.
Maybe this might help....

PC said...

I'm reminded of Chapter 8 of the Screwtape Letters, from which I quote a portion (remember, this is written from the perspective of a devil, so the "enemy" is God):

"And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

Raisin4Cookies said...

I love that quote from the Screwtape Letters. So beautiful.

I just wanted to jump in and offer a suggestion about your calling situation - why not talk to your Bishop? Mention to him that you would like to try something new. My husband used to be in a bishopric, and they are just men, who sometimes don't know everyone in the ward very well and have their own blinkers in place. A friend of mine has a policy that whenever she moves into a new ward she tells the Bishop where she feels her talents lie and what callings she is interested in. Sometimes a lightbulb goes off over the Bishop's head and things align just right for the calling!

You never know.


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