This morning I had one of those rare quiet moments of joy. My baby, who is now four years old, quietly crept into our bed at 5 am. Unlike any of our other kids who, when they would come in the early hours of morning, would never go back to sleep, this one does. He usually is up because he needs to use the restroom but then he gets back in bed and goes peacefully back to sleep. When it's early morning time like that, if I try to put him back in his own bed, he usually doesn't go back to sleep and gets up for the day, walking others up in the process. So I let him snuggle up to me.
He was so sweet, lying there, right up next to me. He was completely asleep, but he had laid his hand on my arm before drifting back and told me, "I love you, Mom." My heart was just bursting with joy and I just wanted to hug him fiercely but I didn't because I didn't want to wake him up. I drifted back to sleep also.
This little boy came at a time I wasn't ready for him. I didn't want to have more kids and was a little angry about the whole situation. But even I, the one who struggles with belief in God's influence in my life, can admit that I think God knew I would need him. He is such a calm, sweet spirit, always showing me love with hugs and kisses and whispering it to me. He is reminding me about the joy of little ones in his excitement over the littlest things, like getting a snack he really likes. I needed this in my life right now and I'm thankful for it.
Friday, July 31, 2020
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Toxic
I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Not die. But cease to exist. A few years ago, someone told me I was toxic. I was so very, very hurt but wondered deep down if it was true. I wanted them to be wrong. I always thought that toxic was just a label people like to toss out when they are upset with something someone said or did. I never really understood what was meant by toxic. Because I'm a pessimist? Because I always see the worst case scenario? I still don't really know what exactly made that particular person decide that about me. But today, I have figured out that they are right.
I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being. I never meant to be this way. I still don't mean to be this way. I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable. And then I lash out at others. I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately. It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way. Or they have a means that I don't have. And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean. And can't seem to be repaired. And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were. As a human being, I'm a complete failure.
Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve. Life was already too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every choice that comes my way. I always make the wrong choice. I always say the wrong thing. I always act the wrong way. I just can't do anything right.
I'm not sure I can fix me. I don't know how. I'm broken beyond repair. I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me. I wish I could erase myself from their lives. I'm embarrassed to be me.
And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again.
I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being. I never meant to be this way. I still don't mean to be this way. I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable. And then I lash out at others. I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately. It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way. Or they have a means that I don't have. And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean. And can't seem to be repaired. And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were. As a human being, I'm a complete failure.
Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve. Life was already too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every choice that comes my way. I always make the wrong choice. I always say the wrong thing. I always act the wrong way. I just can't do anything right.
I'm not sure I can fix me. I don't know how. I'm broken beyond repair. I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me. I wish I could erase myself from their lives. I'm embarrassed to be me.
And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again.
Saturday, July 18, 2020
The Pandemic Life
It's been six weeks since I last wrote. We left on a long road trip only about ten days after I last wrote. We drove to Arizona in one day and stayed for almost two weeks. Then we drove to Southern California (the mountains up near Bakersfield). We stayed there for three days and then drove up to Utah for a week. My oldest son spent the summer (starting in May) working up there. Part of the reason we went up there was to pick him up and bring him home so he could start summer band, since he made the leadership team. Not that it even matters because they've now canceled competition band for the year as well as his trip to Ireland for which he'd already paid about $2000. He could have stayed an extra week. We picked him up when we did because our extended family he was staying with was supposed to leave on a trip right after. But their trip got canceled. Of course, we had already made the plan though so we weren't able to change our leaving time to any later. And then he got back and the leadership training he was supposed to have was changed to online and the whole marching season pretty much canceled. Then we drove down to Arizona for a few more days before making the trek back to Texas.
We enjoyed our trip. It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine). I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas. Life was the same everywhere though. Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems. When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also. We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time. It was a long day but we did it. We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel.
We are not worried about covid19. A lot of people are. There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people. I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down. That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it. If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected. If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months. That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%. So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas). There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth. It's hard to know what to believe. So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all. I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes. It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths). It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person. Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was. I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that. If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control?
This is where I struggle. The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize. But it just keeps going and going. Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places. So far our district still has an on-campus option. I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school. Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen. I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed. They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid. It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure. I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive. It's getting completely ridiculous. All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.
It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus. I don't even smile out in public anymore. There's no point. People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless. I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere. It's insane. When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.
Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me. In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery. Death just doesn't scare me at all. I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me. Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that. I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.
Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now. Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out. Good night!
We enjoyed our trip. It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine). I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas. Life was the same everywhere though. Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems. When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also. We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time. It was a long day but we did it. We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel.
We are not worried about covid19. A lot of people are. There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people. I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down. That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it. If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected. If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months. That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%. So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas). There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth. It's hard to know what to believe. So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all. I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes. It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths). It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person. Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was. I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that. If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control?
This is where I struggle. The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize. But it just keeps going and going. Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places. So far our district still has an on-campus option. I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school. Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen. I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed. They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid. It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure. I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive. It's getting completely ridiculous. All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.
It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus. I don't even smile out in public anymore. There's no point. People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless. I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere. It's insane. When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.
Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me. In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery. Death just doesn't scare me at all. I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me. Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that. I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.
Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now. Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out. Good night!
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