This morning I had one of those rare quiet moments of joy. My baby, who is now four years old, quietly crept into our bed at 5 am. Unlike any of our other kids who, when they would come in the early hours of morning, would never go back to sleep, this one does. He usually is up because he needs to use the restroom but then he gets back in bed and goes peacefully back to sleep. When it's early morning time like that, if I try to put him back in his own bed, he usually doesn't go back to sleep and gets up for the day, walking others up in the process. So I let him snuggle up to me.
He was so sweet, lying there, right up next to me. He was completely asleep, but he had laid his hand on my arm before drifting back and told me, "I love you, Mom." My heart was just bursting with joy and I just wanted to hug him fiercely but I didn't because I didn't want to wake him up. I drifted back to sleep also.
This little boy came at a time I wasn't ready for him. I didn't want to have more kids and was a little angry about the whole situation. But even I, the one who struggles with belief in God's influence in my life, can admit that I think God knew I would need him. He is such a calm, sweet spirit, always showing me love with hugs and kisses and whispering it to me. He is reminding me about the joy of little ones in his excitement over the littlest things, like getting a snack he really likes. I needed this in my life right now and I'm thankful for it.
Friday, July 31, 2020
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Toxic
I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Not die. But cease to exist. A few years ago, someone told me I was toxic. I was so very, very hurt but wondered deep down if it was true. I wanted them to be wrong. I always thought that toxic was just a label people like to toss out when they are upset with something someone said or did. I never really understood what was meant by toxic. Because I'm a pessimist? Because I always see the worst case scenario? I still don't really know what exactly made that particular person decide that about me. But today, I have figured out that they are right.
I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being. I never meant to be this way. I still don't mean to be this way. I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable. And then I lash out at others. I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately. It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way. Or they have a means that I don't have. And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean. And can't seem to be repaired. And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were. As a human being, I'm a complete failure.
Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve. Life was already too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every choice that comes my way. I always make the wrong choice. I always say the wrong thing. I always act the wrong way. I just can't do anything right.
I'm not sure I can fix me. I don't know how. I'm broken beyond repair. I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me. I wish I could erase myself from their lives. I'm embarrassed to be me.
And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again.
I don't know why I'm such a horrible human being. I never meant to be this way. I still don't mean to be this way. I don't know why life is so hard for me and so unbearable. And then I lash out at others. I was thinking back on all the people I've lashed out against lately. It's all the people who are what I wish I was in some way. Or they have a means that I don't have. And somehow that has all led to me saying things that I don't really mean. And can't seem to be repaired. And people's opinions of me become even lower than they already were. As a human being, I'm a complete failure.
Right now, I don't see how life will ever improve. Life was already too hard and too complicated and I was already terrible at making every choice that comes my way. I always make the wrong choice. I always say the wrong thing. I always act the wrong way. I just can't do anything right.
I'm not sure I can fix me. I don't know how. I'm broken beyond repair. I feel sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing me. I wish I could erase myself from their lives. I'm embarrassed to be me.
And that's why I wish I could just fade into oblivion. Then my toxic self would be long gone and nobody would have to deal with me ever again.
Saturday, July 18, 2020
The Pandemic Life
It's been six weeks since I last wrote. We left on a long road trip only about ten days after I last wrote. We drove to Arizona in one day and stayed for almost two weeks. Then we drove to Southern California (the mountains up near Bakersfield). We stayed there for three days and then drove up to Utah for a week. My oldest son spent the summer (starting in May) working up there. Part of the reason we went up there was to pick him up and bring him home so he could start summer band, since he made the leadership team. Not that it even matters because they've now canceled competition band for the year as well as his trip to Ireland for which he'd already paid about $2000. He could have stayed an extra week. We picked him up when we did because our extended family he was staying with was supposed to leave on a trip right after. But their trip got canceled. Of course, we had already made the plan though so we weren't able to change our leaving time to any later. And then he got back and the leadership training he was supposed to have was changed to online and the whole marching season pretty much canceled. Then we drove down to Arizona for a few more days before making the trek back to Texas.
We enjoyed our trip. It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine). I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas. Life was the same everywhere though. Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems. When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also. We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time. It was a long day but we did it. We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel.
We are not worried about covid19. A lot of people are. There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people. I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down. That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it. If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected. If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months. That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%. So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas). There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth. It's hard to know what to believe. So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all. I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes. It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths). It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person. Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was. I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that. If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control?
This is where I struggle. The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize. But it just keeps going and going. Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places. So far our district still has an on-campus option. I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school. Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen. I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed. They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid. It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure. I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive. It's getting completely ridiculous. All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.
It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus. I don't even smile out in public anymore. There's no point. People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless. I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere. It's insane. When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.
Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me. In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery. Death just doesn't scare me at all. I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me. Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that. I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.
Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now. Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out. Good night!
We enjoyed our trip. It was nice to see family (my parents, my husband's brother, two of his sisters, their families, his mom, my brother in Utah and his family, an aunt and uncle of mine and several cousins of mine). I also got to see two of my old friends, one who was a roommate of mine in college and then I also spent a lot of time with when we lived in Arizona and a family in Utah that we became close with just before we moved to Texas. Life was the same everywhere though. Masks are worn; everything is closed but Walmart it seems. When we drove home to Texas, we drove it in one day also. We left at 3:30 am in Arizona (Texas time that is 5:30 am) and drove straight through until 11:30 pm Texas time. It was a long day but we did it. We didn't want to stop and worry about a hotel.
We are not worried about covid19. A lot of people are. There is enough evidence out there that points to it not being very dangerous for most people. I also believe that most people have to get it for it to finally die down. That is the nature of diseases like this; they only really stop being a problem after so many people have had it. If we continue at the rate we are going though, it will be 40 years before we get herd immunity (70% of people) since after 7 months of it being known (although I've been reading a lot of theories that it has existed for a lot longer than 7-8 months), only 1% of all people have been infected. If we need to reach 70% at this rate, it will take 40 years. I know, that's about as insane a guess as the original projection that it would kill millions in a matter of months. That hasn't happened, the death rate is closer to 1%. So only 1% of people have been infected and only 1% of those infected have died from it (at least according to the numbers I crunched yesterday posted on the CDC website of the numbers in America, specifically Texas). There are many articles all over claiming that the numbers have been overinflated and people have died of other causes but it's been counted as a covid19 death because they tested positive for the virus at or just before death, that hospitals have an overwhelming amount of covid19 patients, but anyone coming to the hospital for anything (like my husband when he had surgery in April) are tested for covid19 and if they test positive, they are counted as a covid19 hospitalization, and so forth. It's hard to know what to believe. So far, I know of about ten people total who have contracted the illness, all mild and some with no symptoms at all. I do know one person who supposedly died from covid19 (he had it at the time of his death) but he was not a healthy person--obese, heart problems, diabetes. It could have complicated one of his underlying issues or the underlying issue complicated the covid19 (this is still not clear in how they are counting the deaths). It is sad he died; I knew him in high school and he was a very kind, good-hearted person. Although, I'm not sure he would have had any clue who I was. I know people have been dying, and maybe their deaths were premature, but I'm not sure about that. If this is all part of God's plan, wouldn't that lead one to believe (one who is God-believing, that is) that their dying must have been part of His plan if He is in control?
This is where I struggle. The prophet and his apostles have all said that we will get through this pandemic and things will normalize. But it just keeps going and going. Schools are starting online in the fall in a lot of places. So far our district still has an on-campus option. I'm crossing my fingers and praying (and writing letters to the superintendent) that this will not change and those of us who are not scared can send our kids to school. Teaching piano in person is probably not going to happen. I applied for a job coaching gymnastics, but one of their coaches tested positive, so the gym closed. They told me they wanted me for the job but then they never called me and I figure it's because of the covid. It's a frustrating time to be alive; that's for sure. I don't understand shutting everything down because a person tests positive, nor quarantining people for weeks because someone they know and came in close contact with ONCE tested positive. It's getting completely ridiculous. All for a virus with a 1% death rate and that has only infected 1% of the population so far.
It's not a very happy way to live, to feel like people think you have the virus if all you do is cough because you breathed in your own saliva (something I tend to do way too often, it's so stupid!) or you're sneezing because your allergies are acting up and everybody gives you the stinkeye because they think you have the virus. I don't even smile out in public anymore. There's no point. People can't see my mouth anyway and since I don't look directly at them anymore (nobody does anymore), it's pointless. I have to scream when I'm trying to order food at a restaurant or picking up medication at the pharmacy or talking to a cashier at the store because everyone has masks and the cashiers and pharmacists and fast food places all have plastic up everywhere. It's insane. When I have to go out, I come home feeling very upset and frustrated.
Part of me hopes I catch it and die then I don't have to live like this anymore. And so that my brother who told me I'll probably catch it and die will feel bad for saying that to me. In all of the reading and studying I've done of the gospel and of life lately, I've come to the conclusion that death will be a beautiful relief after life's pain and misery. Death just doesn't scare me at all. I only don't want to go yet because I feel like my children probably still need me. Although, on that topic, I could write a whole other post about how I'm failing terrifically at being their mother, so there's that. I could die and my husband could remarry someone who is more together and she could probably do a better job.
Well, I guess I'll end my rambling now. Just needed to vent and get some thoughts out. Good night!
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Writing and Missing Normal Life
I need to start writing again. I have missed it a lot. Since we moved to Texas, I haven't been able to get my life in order enough to take time out for me to write. I need to do this.
Writing is an outlet for me. Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is. We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19. We have also been having protests due to racial inequality. I really have no desire to get political. I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way. So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.
The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born. He is now four years old. Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move. I still regret moving. I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here. But I need to start looking for these things.
Coronavirus has rocked my world. My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it. I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school. But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them. And for me, to be quite honest. One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics. Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me. It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that! But I really missed that final band concert. That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year! I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it. Same with those choir concerts.
Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work. I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids. That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered. Same with teaching piano. No piano recital, no lessons since March. I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform. I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me. It was too frustrating for me and my students. I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching. Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that. So that has changed our world. At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss. His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well. And not looking to improve any time soon.
I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away! That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months. That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall. I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.
If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it. But I don't want that kind of life. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have. So I struggle.
I'm going to try to start writing again. Sometimes I will vent my frustrations. Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids. That's all that matters to me right now.
Writing is an outlet for me. Heaven knows an outlet is sorely needed right now with life being the way it is. We have the novel coronavirus (SARS-COV-2), aka covid-19. We have also been having protests due to racial inequality. I really have no desire to get political. I don't feel that I have enough skill to adequately write about such topics and defend my point of view in a competent way. So the only mention I might make of them is how they are affecting me.
The last time I really wrote was after my seventh child was born. He is now four years old. Life has continued to keep me feeling derailed ever since we moved to Texas and I still haven't felt like I have gained any sort of control over anything since that move. I still regret moving. I don't know what life would have been like for my family had we not left Utah, but I haven't found much to be delighted about since moving here. But I need to start looking for these things.
Coronavirus has rocked my world. My problem is that I don't want to accept the changes it has caused as a "new normal". I was already struggling with the old normal and the new one is so much worse that it's hard trying to accept it. I want my kids to be able to play sports and participate in music programs at school. But if coronavirus makes it so they can't, I will be devastated for them. And for me, to be quite honest. One of the few joys I've had as a person these last few years has been being able to watch my kids do what they love--singing in a choir, playing in the marching band or concert band, playing football, basketball and volleyball, and doing gymnastics. Not being able to attend end-of-the-year concerts or have my daughter participate in her volleyball league really sucked for me. It's not about the break-neck pace of life that I miss. Of course I don't miss that! But I really missed that final band concert. That concert last year and the year before was so AMAZING, that I had been looking forward to it all year! I was probably more disappointed to miss attending than my sons were from not being able to play in it. Same with those choir concerts.
Coronavirus made it so I couldn't work. I had to stop teaching preschool during my spring break and not finish the year with my cute preschool kids. That has been a really hard thing, both because I love to do it and also because our income has suffered. Same with teaching piano. No piano recital, no lessons since March. I know some people have continued with private music lessons by using an online platform. I tried that for two weeks, but it just wasn't working for me. It was too frustrating for me and my students. I guess I just don't have the teaching skills to do distance teaching. Maybe one day I could learn, but I also don't really have the desire to do that. So that has changed our world. At my husband's work, his business has declined from the usual pace, which was already hit and miss. His income has been quite a bit lower the last two months as well. And not looking to improve any time soon.
I just heard today that our church's general conference that is held every six months, in April and October, will be virtual again in October FOUR MONTHS away! That tells me they think coronavirus is still going to be causing problems worldwide in four months. That sucks away any hope I had for things to resume normally this fall. I literally got an upset stomach when I heard that news.
If I could just accept that life will have to be lived virtually from now on, maybe I could come to terms with it. But I don't want that kind of life. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. And frankly, I don't see how it can be the kind of life that Heavenly Father wants us to have. So I struggle.
I'm going to try to start writing again. Sometimes I will vent my frustrations. Sometimes I will write about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I'll probably have funny stories to share. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is being here for my kids. That's all that matters to me right now.
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Anxiety
I think my anxiety stems from when I had my first baby with the pressure to breastfeed exclusively. My firstborn was five weeks early and lacked the sucking reflex at his birth. He spent two weeks in the NICU learning to suck so that we could bring him home and be able to feed him without a tube through his nose, which was how he got his food the first weeks of life. I pumped every four hours on the dot for the first two weeks and took all the breastmilk to the NICU, where it was kept in the refrigerator and used for his feedings. I went to feed him every eight hours and when I did, they would have him latch on to me to try and suck but he would still get fed through the tube in his nose during that time, so he associated sucking with food. When he was released, I went to a lactation consultant because I had difficulty with latching and with knowing he was getting enough. He was always crying and rooting around; feedings took 45 minutes to an hour and then an hour after that, he would be hungry again. I was already stressed out because he'd been born early and in the NICU. I continued pumping in between feedings, hoping that would increase my supply. I will say, my breastmilk never looked like the milk I've seen stored in other nursing mamas' fridges. It never had that lathery cream at the top and it always had a yellowish tinge--it was never white. That's how it was with all seven of my babies too. I liked to say that my kids got skim milk because that's what my body made and that's probably why they were never satisfied with my milk.
So at about four months, when I ran out of frozen pumped milk and became too exhausted to continue the pumping/feeding cycle, I gave up and fed him formula. He started to sleep well; I started to sleep well, and he was healthy and growing. But we were on WIC, and every time I went to pick up the vouchers, I would get lectured about how "breast is best" and I should have tried harder to breastfeed. I didn't try hard enough.
To make a longer story short, I ended up nursing the first one to four months with all of my babies and then switching to formula. I truly don't know if it's because my milk was never very fatty (it certainly never looked right when I pumped) or because my babies didn't latch right, or because I just didn't try hard enough, often something I was told by other nursing moms--"you just need to try harder"--"it's worth the sacrifice to give your baby the best" and so forth. I really feel that if I wasn't constantly being bombarded with the notion that I didn't try hard enough that perhaps I wouldn't have felt such great anxiety and feelings of failure over breastfeeding. Even now, with my youngest child a four-year-old, if people bring up the breast vs. formula debate, I cringe inside and hope that no other mothers feel the huge amounts of anxiety over it that I felt.
But this has bled into all other areas of my life. I simply don't try hard enough. I had a chat with a close relative about how I constantly feel anxiety over literally everything in my life and she told me I just needed to learn to let go of things. I believe that is true, but I don't know how to do it. How do you know when you have tried everything in your power and now you should just let go and turn it over to God? Or do you still keep trying? It's the trying part that gives me anxiety, but then not trying also gives me anxiety.
A current example: we are going through a pandemic right now. I haven't been able to teach piano lessons or preschool since it began, thereby accumulating a loss of nearly $3000 over the course of two months (I didn't suffer a loss in March because I simply told my clients that I was unable to make any refunds due to cancellations). My husband has been able to work, but because he is not bringing in the sales like usual, he isn't making his normal amount either, and he has lost nearly $1500 over the course of the last three months. So together, we have had a lower income of $4500 over three months (March, April, May). Fortunately, we had received an income tax return just before it all began and then we benefited from the stimulus package and received money from that too, so for now, we are okay. But if this continues into fall and I cannot teach piano or preschool, and my husband's income is still dwindling, we are in big trouble.
I tried at first to do virtual piano lessons. It was a bit of a disaster. It's hard enough keeping kids out of the room while I'm teaching piano lessons, but with virtual lessons, having kids walk in and out was a complete distraction, more so than them walking by during real life lessons. Then there is the fact that most of my students are beginners, to the point where they still need me to fashion their hands in the correct playing position and reposition them onto the correct keys multiple times throughout a lesson. I found that it was nearly impossible to do that through a screen. I'd tell them they needed to move their hands one way or the other and they just wouldn't get it. Then the parent overhearing would come in and try to get them to do it and it just ended up being the parent lecturing the kid while I awkwardly waited on the video and by the time 30 minutes was up, we had accomplished almost nothing. My more advanced students did much better, but after a couple weeks, the parents decided they needed a break because doing online school was already causing too much stress. I tried continuing preschool online too, delivering lessons via video and emails to the parents, complete with pictures and pdfs of all the work. But they didn't want to do it either, and continue to pay for it.
So here's my dilemma. Do I keep trying to do these virtual type lessons in the fall if that's what the government stipulates with social distancing? I was already feeling like a huge failure at preschool, having hard time advertising and bringing in students. This next year is to be my last year even doing preschool. So far I only have one student committed. I need at least four more to make it worth my time. So do I keep trying to do preschool and piano lessons? Do I look for another job? Or do I just not worry about it and "put it in God's hands" and hope something comes about that helps us? I can't let go, but instead of solving anything, I wring my hands and stand there not knowing what course of action to take. I just don't know what to do.
And this is how it is with all other areas of my life. I do this with parenting. Should I be stricter or am I being too strict? Why are my kids not more self-motivated to set goals and do things? How can I help them with this? Can I even help them with this? Have I failed because I haven't set high enough expectations?
And there are the things we haven't been able to do for our kids and I realize time is slipping away and there is only so much time left with them before they're grown, so we have to squeeze in all the trips and activities, etc., but we don't have the money to do it, so how do we do it without overspending and...and...and....
And there is church. I want to have a calling; I do. But every calling I've been asked to do is something I dread. I dread having to lead the music in Sacrament meeting. I dreaded having to plan Relief Society activities and set up for them (being neither crafty, nor socially successful, this was torturous for me). I want to go back to church but I don't.
I just feel like with everything, I don't know how to let go or what I can even let go of. It's the decision-making that leaves me the most paralyzed, actually. I feel like I do not have a track record of making good decisions or trying hard enough to make things happen before making a different decision. So I'm afraid of proceeding forward with anything because I just know I'll mess it all up.
And that's why I have terrible anxiety that I can't seem to find any way of alleviating. I don't know what to do. I can't even make a decision because I'm not sure what I'm even choosing between, and if I do know what I'm choosing between, the pros and cons are too equal and I can't make a decision.
So at about four months, when I ran out of frozen pumped milk and became too exhausted to continue the pumping/feeding cycle, I gave up and fed him formula. He started to sleep well; I started to sleep well, and he was healthy and growing. But we were on WIC, and every time I went to pick up the vouchers, I would get lectured about how "breast is best" and I should have tried harder to breastfeed. I didn't try hard enough.
To make a longer story short, I ended up nursing the first one to four months with all of my babies and then switching to formula. I truly don't know if it's because my milk was never very fatty (it certainly never looked right when I pumped) or because my babies didn't latch right, or because I just didn't try hard enough, often something I was told by other nursing moms--"you just need to try harder"--"it's worth the sacrifice to give your baby the best" and so forth. I really feel that if I wasn't constantly being bombarded with the notion that I didn't try hard enough that perhaps I wouldn't have felt such great anxiety and feelings of failure over breastfeeding. Even now, with my youngest child a four-year-old, if people bring up the breast vs. formula debate, I cringe inside and hope that no other mothers feel the huge amounts of anxiety over it that I felt.
But this has bled into all other areas of my life. I simply don't try hard enough. I had a chat with a close relative about how I constantly feel anxiety over literally everything in my life and she told me I just needed to learn to let go of things. I believe that is true, but I don't know how to do it. How do you know when you have tried everything in your power and now you should just let go and turn it over to God? Or do you still keep trying? It's the trying part that gives me anxiety, but then not trying also gives me anxiety.
A current example: we are going through a pandemic right now. I haven't been able to teach piano lessons or preschool since it began, thereby accumulating a loss of nearly $3000 over the course of two months (I didn't suffer a loss in March because I simply told my clients that I was unable to make any refunds due to cancellations). My husband has been able to work, but because he is not bringing in the sales like usual, he isn't making his normal amount either, and he has lost nearly $1500 over the course of the last three months. So together, we have had a lower income of $4500 over three months (March, April, May). Fortunately, we had received an income tax return just before it all began and then we benefited from the stimulus package and received money from that too, so for now, we are okay. But if this continues into fall and I cannot teach piano or preschool, and my husband's income is still dwindling, we are in big trouble.
I tried at first to do virtual piano lessons. It was a bit of a disaster. It's hard enough keeping kids out of the room while I'm teaching piano lessons, but with virtual lessons, having kids walk in and out was a complete distraction, more so than them walking by during real life lessons. Then there is the fact that most of my students are beginners, to the point where they still need me to fashion their hands in the correct playing position and reposition them onto the correct keys multiple times throughout a lesson. I found that it was nearly impossible to do that through a screen. I'd tell them they needed to move their hands one way or the other and they just wouldn't get it. Then the parent overhearing would come in and try to get them to do it and it just ended up being the parent lecturing the kid while I awkwardly waited on the video and by the time 30 minutes was up, we had accomplished almost nothing. My more advanced students did much better, but after a couple weeks, the parents decided they needed a break because doing online school was already causing too much stress. I tried continuing preschool online too, delivering lessons via video and emails to the parents, complete with pictures and pdfs of all the work. But they didn't want to do it either, and continue to pay for it.
So here's my dilemma. Do I keep trying to do these virtual type lessons in the fall if that's what the government stipulates with social distancing? I was already feeling like a huge failure at preschool, having hard time advertising and bringing in students. This next year is to be my last year even doing preschool. So far I only have one student committed. I need at least four more to make it worth my time. So do I keep trying to do preschool and piano lessons? Do I look for another job? Or do I just not worry about it and "put it in God's hands" and hope something comes about that helps us? I can't let go, but instead of solving anything, I wring my hands and stand there not knowing what course of action to take. I just don't know what to do.
And this is how it is with all other areas of my life. I do this with parenting. Should I be stricter or am I being too strict? Why are my kids not more self-motivated to set goals and do things? How can I help them with this? Can I even help them with this? Have I failed because I haven't set high enough expectations?
And there are the things we haven't been able to do for our kids and I realize time is slipping away and there is only so much time left with them before they're grown, so we have to squeeze in all the trips and activities, etc., but we don't have the money to do it, so how do we do it without overspending and...and...and....
And there is church. I want to have a calling; I do. But every calling I've been asked to do is something I dread. I dread having to lead the music in Sacrament meeting. I dreaded having to plan Relief Society activities and set up for them (being neither crafty, nor socially successful, this was torturous for me). I want to go back to church but I don't.
I just feel like with everything, I don't know how to let go or what I can even let go of. It's the decision-making that leaves me the most paralyzed, actually. I feel like I do not have a track record of making good decisions or trying hard enough to make things happen before making a different decision. So I'm afraid of proceeding forward with anything because I just know I'll mess it all up.
And that's why I have terrible anxiety that I can't seem to find any way of alleviating. I don't know what to do. I can't even make a decision because I'm not sure what I'm even choosing between, and if I do know what I'm choosing between, the pros and cons are too equal and I can't make a decision.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Worry
I need to write more. It's therapeutic for me. It has always been my dream to be a writer. I have stories in my head, lots and lots of stories. Some I have started writing down but never finished. I feel like my life is too cluttered to write though. I can't sort through all my thoughts because my head is full of all of my worries. And I have so many.
I worry about finances. That's a big one. It seems that good fortune never comes our way when it comes to money. We scrimp and save and chip away at the debt but it seems we never make headway. Our debt isn't even that serious compared to some but it's enormous for us. I feel like we're being punished for having it in the first place and the only way to be financially blessed is to get out of debt, which is pretty much impossible without some sort of blessing. We'll get a decent amount in the way of a tax return or other means and then we'll have to use it just to pay the bills during the summer when my piano students are fewer and preschool is out. It's frustrating. We can't ever get ahead.
I worry about my husband's job. I worry that he's unhappy, that he's unhealthy. I worry that he'll get killed in a car accident driving late at night when he's tired. I worry that he'll have a heart attack because he isn't healthy and doesn't want to do anything about it.
I worry about my kids. I worry about the opportunities we aren't able to provide for them. I worry that they are missing out on important things because they can't do what they are good at. My daughter was asked to join the team at gymnastics. It would triple the cost, something we are already barely scraping together. I wish we could do it. What will she be missing by not doing it? Should we be doing everything in our power to make it happen?I already feel very overwhelmed and stretched thin as it is. Then there's our son, also a gymnast, who might have the same opportunity, which is why we put him in gymnastics in the first place. I guess we thought it would be several years before these opportunities came knocking and we might have more money then.
I worry about my kids spiritual growth. I feel like we're not doing enough, that we are letting the world take too great a hold on them, but I feel like it's tidal wave that we can't stop. It's so overwhelming and frightening to me, watching them make choices that aren't keeping them on the right path and then watching them deal with the natural consequences. How can I be better with them so they can hopefully make better choices? Is it even possible?
So, that's why I don't write much. I feel like the problems are too much and my mind is too cluttered to organize my writing. But maybe writing a little bit every week or so will help it not be so scattered.
I worry about finances. That's a big one. It seems that good fortune never comes our way when it comes to money. We scrimp and save and chip away at the debt but it seems we never make headway. Our debt isn't even that serious compared to some but it's enormous for us. I feel like we're being punished for having it in the first place and the only way to be financially blessed is to get out of debt, which is pretty much impossible without some sort of blessing. We'll get a decent amount in the way of a tax return or other means and then we'll have to use it just to pay the bills during the summer when my piano students are fewer and preschool is out. It's frustrating. We can't ever get ahead.
I worry about my husband's job. I worry that he's unhappy, that he's unhealthy. I worry that he'll get killed in a car accident driving late at night when he's tired. I worry that he'll have a heart attack because he isn't healthy and doesn't want to do anything about it.
I worry about my kids. I worry about the opportunities we aren't able to provide for them. I worry that they are missing out on important things because they can't do what they are good at. My daughter was asked to join the team at gymnastics. It would triple the cost, something we are already barely scraping together. I wish we could do it. What will she be missing by not doing it? Should we be doing everything in our power to make it happen?I already feel very overwhelmed and stretched thin as it is. Then there's our son, also a gymnast, who might have the same opportunity, which is why we put him in gymnastics in the first place. I guess we thought it would be several years before these opportunities came knocking and we might have more money then.
I worry about my kids spiritual growth. I feel like we're not doing enough, that we are letting the world take too great a hold on them, but I feel like it's tidal wave that we can't stop. It's so overwhelming and frightening to me, watching them make choices that aren't keeping them on the right path and then watching them deal with the natural consequences. How can I be better with them so they can hopefully make better choices? Is it even possible?
So, that's why I don't write much. I feel like the problems are too much and my mind is too cluttered to organize my writing. But maybe writing a little bit every week or so will help it not be so scattered.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Checking In
I just wanted to check in. I realize that my last post was a doozer, but I just had to get out in writing some of the feelings and thoughts I'd been having. I still feel the same way. But life keeps on moving along anyway and that's just what it does.
One of the things I am struggling with is finding time for myself to do things I enjoy. I feel like I just don't have the luxury of that kind of time. I'm so busy teaching preschool and piano and taking care of kids and managing the household that there really isn't time for me to do what I enjoy and there certainly isn't money. But writing is one thing that has always been an outlet for me so I'd like to continue to write. I just don't know how often I'll get to it.
Other things I enjoy that I haven't done much of lately: playing the violin, reading, drawing and painting, playing sports and exercising, and getting outside.
I did try playing volleyball for church back in the fall. I made an effort to make it to the games even when I wasn't feeling up to it or it was late and I was tired. Then, I went to one game where we played a double header, two games in one night. The first game they had plenty of women there and they won. I wasn't able to make it to the first game because it was too early and it was the same night as Jonah's first grade program (I believe that was the conflict). So I made it in time for the second game. While I was waiting for the game to start, some of the other women were talking about how they had enough people to play and one even said that they didn't really need me. So I left. I like volleyball, but I don't love it. It's more fun when you enjoy the people you are playing with as well, and these women in my ward...they just aren't very nice to me. At least not the majority of the ones who play volleyball. Now I know I'm not the best player and could use some improvement, but I'm not really that horrible either. And I like to play sports (though basketball is the one I prefer--but our stake doesn't let the women play basketball). But if you tell me to my face that I'm not needed, when I made the effort after my long, exhausting day (Thursdays are rough--three hours of preschool in the morning and then three hours of piano in the afternoon, plus the kid's program and dinner and bedtime and now it's 9:30 at night and I drove 20 minutes to get here), then I guess I just will no longer participate. I've never been one to back out of participating in a church-sponsored activity, but they pushed me away. I'm sure they don't care. But I will have a hard time forgetting how I was treated.
That was a side story that just came out. Anyway, I'm working on trying to find the time to do a few things I like every week. It's hard. I'm usually too tired to do anything more than turn the TV on and doze off. But maybe if I work on this, I will have a brighter outlook. It's worth a try.
One of the things I am struggling with is finding time for myself to do things I enjoy. I feel like I just don't have the luxury of that kind of time. I'm so busy teaching preschool and piano and taking care of kids and managing the household that there really isn't time for me to do what I enjoy and there certainly isn't money. But writing is one thing that has always been an outlet for me so I'd like to continue to write. I just don't know how often I'll get to it.
Other things I enjoy that I haven't done much of lately: playing the violin, reading, drawing and painting, playing sports and exercising, and getting outside.
I did try playing volleyball for church back in the fall. I made an effort to make it to the games even when I wasn't feeling up to it or it was late and I was tired. Then, I went to one game where we played a double header, two games in one night. The first game they had plenty of women there and they won. I wasn't able to make it to the first game because it was too early and it was the same night as Jonah's first grade program (I believe that was the conflict). So I made it in time for the second game. While I was waiting for the game to start, some of the other women were talking about how they had enough people to play and one even said that they didn't really need me. So I left. I like volleyball, but I don't love it. It's more fun when you enjoy the people you are playing with as well, and these women in my ward...they just aren't very nice to me. At least not the majority of the ones who play volleyball. Now I know I'm not the best player and could use some improvement, but I'm not really that horrible either. And I like to play sports (though basketball is the one I prefer--but our stake doesn't let the women play basketball). But if you tell me to my face that I'm not needed, when I made the effort after my long, exhausting day (Thursdays are rough--three hours of preschool in the morning and then three hours of piano in the afternoon, plus the kid's program and dinner and bedtime and now it's 9:30 at night and I drove 20 minutes to get here), then I guess I just will no longer participate. I've never been one to back out of participating in a church-sponsored activity, but they pushed me away. I'm sure they don't care. But I will have a hard time forgetting how I was treated.
That was a side story that just came out. Anyway, I'm working on trying to find the time to do a few things I like every week. It's hard. I'm usually too tired to do anything more than turn the TV on and doze off. But maybe if I work on this, I will have a brighter outlook. It's worth a try.
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