Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bad Behavior

Have you ever behaved badly? I mean, embarrassingly badly? So badly that after you finally cool off and calm down, you realize how ridiculous your behavior was, how obscene it was, that you spend the rest of the day or even week feeling so full of shame and self-loathing that you can hardly stand it?

I did that today. I behaved badly. I really ripped into two DMV employees. I let them have it. I let them have it so bad that I was kicked out of that particular branch of the DMV and told that I was not allowed to return, I would have to go elsewhere for my DMV needs. Because that made me so angry, I got home and laid into my husband, and then in turn, my children.

And now I regret it.

Is it fixable? I feel so stupid, so shameful, so humiliated that I can't believe I acted that way. Maybe I need some anger management classes. Do they really help?

Yes, I have a temper. I think I was really supposed to be a redhead. Sometimes my temper takes over and I can't seem to control it. I shake, knowing deep down that I need to get it under control, but I'm just so angry that I can't seem to stop myself. So my whole body shakes and I cry. I feel like a little child who just threw a temper tantrum. I guess that's what it was.

I've written a letter of apology, but that just seems to be stupid. I'm not about to go back there and stand in line for two hours hoping the same two employees will be at the desk that I can give the paper to. And I wouldn't try to march up to the front and hand it to them. Plus, I never did turn in any paperwork, so I'm still an anonymous person there. I'd rather it not be known who I am. I will definitely go to the other DMV to resolve my issues, but I just feel like I should apologize. I was really out of line.

Then I need to apologize to my husband and my kids. Man, I really blew it today. Wish there was a hole I could go hide in, because that's how I feel. Absolutely shameful.

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