Waiting

I'm still waiting to hear my results from my blood test on Friday. I've been spotting for a few weeks, but I spotted with my last four pregnancies and they turned out fine, so it's hard to say that this is a miscarriage. I've had no cramping, only spotting. My blood test came back on Wednesday with high HCG levels. Thy retested on Friday to see if the levels had gone down or up but unfortunately did not get the results back by Friday evening, so I've had to wait out the weekend. I'm so sick of waiting to hear if I've actually miscarried or not. I wish that if I have, my body would just cooperate and do what it's supposed to do. I wish that if I haven't, my body would just cooperate and stop spotting so I can feel more positive about things. I feel like I'm in limbo, can't go either direction until I know for sure.

And when I feel like this, everything annoys me to death. I can't stand to be around people at all. I can't stand to be around my kids, they drive me crazy. I just want peace and quiet and time to sleep and time to reflect and figure out how to feel. I especially don't like caring for a baby when I'm feeling like this. They are so much work--carrying them up and down the stairs, changing diapers and clothes and having to use a billion burp cloths, following them around as they crawl and get into things, feeding them bottles and solids and trying desperately to get them to go to sleep for naps and night time. It's all so exhausting. If this really is a miscarriage, when all is said and done, I'm taking off to some exotic destination for a few days to regroup. Maybe I won't ever come back. Winter is starting, after all, and I just can't handle the cold. Don't think I will ever be able to handle it.