Not Done

Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my response was always the same: a wife and mother. It never changed throughout the years, even when societal pressures came into play as I got older. Being a mother, to me, also meant having many children, at least six, but closer to eight.

I didn't marry as young as I always figured I would. Not that I think marrying young is good, necessarily, but I think it varies from person to person. For some, it would be a horrible choice, for others, it would work out fine. But if you want to have a large family of six or more children, then marrying and having those children before a certain age is probably wise--otherwise you won't be able (physically) to have as many children AND you'll be raising kids when your peers are becoming grandparents.

I did eventually meet my husband after college and we married quickly. Sometimes I wonder about that marrying quickly decision, but that will be devoted to another post entirely. We didn't postpone having a family, but children did not come right away. It took a couple years. Because of that, I was almost 26 when I had my first child. Now I'm 32 going on 33 with four children, the youngest is a little over 2. I had wanted to be pregnant with #5 by now, but we can't seem to conceive this time around. Kind of like when we were first married and couldn't seem to do it. I don't know why, I've had four children, one after another, and everything worked fine once we had the first. But now, it just isn't happening.

I realize that I should just be grateful for the children I have--they are precious and wonderful and I love them so much. I also realize that in today's world, it is very difficult to raise many children--everything is so expensive even when you cut back to bare bones and people raise their eyebrows, even people in the Church, when I mention that we still want a few more. But I feel that time slipping away. If I got pregnant this month, I would be 33 by the time I had this baby, and I still want at least one more after that.

Every month that goes by where that pregnancy test comes back negative, the ache inside grows a little more. We haven't seen a doctor yet, I'm not sure enough time has gone by since we've been trying for #5 to warrant it, and honestly, would a doctor even help us? After all, we've already got four, why do we need another one? This is a hard issue for me to face because I feel very alone in it. Like I'm crazy for wanting another one. But I just can't help feel that our family isn't complete. You know that feeling, where everyone is gathered, yet it feels like someone isn't there? That's how I feel all the time, I always look around thinking, "who's not here?" but all of us are. I hope that in the coming months, I'll be able to announce that there will be another addition to our family, but this month turned out the same as the last eight or nine have--a negative pregnancy test.